To think it's not right that DD(19) has a 61 year old mum

[LornaDuh]

Don't know why it's just hit me at 10.45 on a Saturday night in June.

Just feels weird that a girl not yet out of her teens has a mum over 60!

This is always such a divisive subject, and people will come out with stories of young mums who die young anyway, and conversely older parents/grandparents who are full of life and vitality right into their much older years. Both of which happen, but are not the typical way that life goes.

Exactly. The way people are talking on this thread it's as if they genuinely believe you have as much chance of dying at 25 as you do at 65.

And that jogging weekly and a good wrinkle cream in your 40s means that you're guaranteed to live in perfect health for another 50 years.

Call me crazy but... could there possibly be something in-between being a lone child and a whole bunch of children you can't afford?

And my original comments were specifically in relation to being an only child at the point of caring for parents / being bereaved at a young age. Not the entire childhood experience.

Oh this is very much the case I think. I don't necessarily agree with it but not my monkeys not my circus..

My point was that while I have a very good idea of the advantages that being an only child would have offered me over my actual childhood with siblings, only children often express completely unrealistically rosy views of life with siblings.

As an adult only child, I agree with everything you say. I would go as far as to say I would rather not have been born. I am not having children of my own, as I didn't meet my partner until recently and am in my late 30s. My partner is an only child too, so we wouldn't be able to provide any family (cousins, aunties and uncles). I find that very sad. So I now face a future worrying about growing old without family and being entirely on my own should anything happen to my partner. I live with constant anxiety. Who would want that life?

@Strawberriesandpears
Why does a child need aunties, uncles or cousins? I have none of those. I'm an only child born to two only children. I had two sets of grandparents to myself though.

I suppose they don't in theory, but what happens if the parents die before adulthood? If you have a child you have to have a realistic plan as to who would look after your child should the worst happen. Fair enough, there is no guarantee that family would step in, but if that isn't even an option, it leaves both you and the child in a very vulnerable position.

Sure - the mother died when the child was 9, leaving him alone with his very elderly father, who then had a stroke and needed constant care. There were no other family members to help (grandparents long gone), so he was left trying to attend school, cook, clean, wash and dress his father while trying to avoid social services. He had to steal food to survive and was manipulated into doing drug runs for the local dealer. At 9.

He left school at 12 when his father deteriorated, had no qualifications and when the father died three years later, was put into care. The foster carers were abusive, so he ran away and ended up in a hovel bedsit living off cold beans and bread as the only job he could get was in the local shop, which paid cash in hand, £3 an hour.

He has gone through suicide attempts, severe depression and alcohol abuse, and wishes he had never been born. He blames his parents for being too old when they had him, thinks they were selfish for putting their own desires to have a child above the child's future well-being.

I parent in the way that I/we support them with any problems, take them somewhere if they’re unsure or drinking etc. Help them prepare for interviews, go over essays. Move house etc. All sorts really….

Also we have 4 ranging from 18 to 25. Of course we don’t need childcare, we both work full time but I don’t consider that we don’t parent anymore…

Like I mentioned before, I have a sister. I also have aunts and uncles.

One uncle and one aunt will likely be gone before my parents. One aunt will more than likely still be with us. The other uncle will either kill himself through his own stupidity (many health issues that he refuses to manage) or outlive us all. My sister is younger than me.

The ones that are likely to still be here after my parents won't be my support system. They will be people for whom I have to step into the roles my parents play now.

My DH has 5 aunts and uncles. He knows one of them because of a family rift. He has two brothers who have spent their whole lives trying to convince him he's useless.

Wider family isn't always all it's cracked up to be. I can understand how from the outside, not having it, it can seem like everything. But often, it's filled with obligations and drama and pain. There's enough threads on MN filled with it.

I can also understand not wanting to start a family later into your 30s. I just wouldn't necessarily factor in not having siblings of my own to that decision.

Thank you. You make some very valid points. I too have an uncle who I will no doubt have to support in his old age. It's another worry and burden on me.

My mum had me at 41. Do I wish I had younger parents? Yes - I don’t like how old they are getting and I wish I had more years with them and worry about their future care needs especially as an only child. I also think we would have a better relationship if we were closer in age. But the most annoying thing about it was my mum’s insecurity about being an “old mum”. It is what it is OP, nothing you can change now. Just be there for her and ensure she is independent and has a good support network.

My DS is 16 and DH is 61. Absolutely makes no difference to us. He can still run around with a football like a 20 yr old.

Just think about what's right for you, and your partner. Late 30s isn't so old nowadays, the average life expectancy is higher, medicine is better than ever and advancing all the time.

Not pushing parenthood on you. I very much thought that a) I couldn't have kids and b) I didn't want to be a parent (possibly because it was easier than dealing with not being able to). But my DD (had at 34) brings so much joy to our lives. But I totally understand the desire to not have children too.

I don't think 61 is old at all these days. I'm 62 and plenty of life in me yet.
My own DS is 41, he's lucky to be alive, I didn't know shit when I had him I was so young.

This is someone ancient posting here: I am 8 years older than my sister. She was talking about being grateful that biologically, at 55 she no longer had to worry about getting pregnant. She presumed that she was just physically incapable. I had a colleague that was also 55. My colleague was pregnant.

I am in my early sixties. I do not feel old. But the median age for women dying in the UK is 82 years old. So potentially only having another 20 years to live does make me feel old.

Thank you. I do think a child would bring joy to my life, but only if they were happy and healthy. If I had a child with disabilities which made their life difficult or sad, then I don't think I could cope or live with the guilt.

I am also not sure if my reasons for wanting a child are selfish. I openly admit it would be to give myself a new sense of purpose, create a new family connection and to have someone to look out for me in old age. I am not sure those are good enough reasons. It's all about me and what I want and not about what is best for the child.

Most people have children because they want children. I think it is, mostly, a selfish act. Especially nowadays with everything burning to the ground around us.

But the world needs good, decent, people. So even if it was a selfish decision to have her, raising her to bring joy to others and to be a smart, good person is my little contribution to the future.

She is a happy, healthy child. I am very lucky with that. Totally understand the fear around that not being the case. You can't control everything though, and disabilities don't automatically mean miserable.

Absolutely. Sorry, I hope you didn't think I was inferring that you were selfish - I certainly wasn't.

Not at all. I know it was a selfish decision to have her, because it's impossible not to see a way it benefits me to have had her and other than the fact we are able to give her a good life, I can't really think of a reason that it was "for her" that we decided to have a child. It's always all about the parent when deciding whether you're going to.

Once they're here, it's no longer about you and everything is about their interests. But getting them here is all about you. No other way to put it 🤪

I just hope you find your purpose and happiness in life. Whether that's by having a family or not. You are worth it, and you are allowed to make yourself happy.

I'm 68 and my daughter is 27. Her father is 72. Our age has never been raised as a problem.

You sound lovely and thoughtful and I am sure you are raising a wonderful daughter. Thank you for your good wishes.

My daughter will be 19 when I’m 61. It’s just the way life turned out. Would have been lovelier to have had her earlier, but it just didn’t happen.