To think it's not right that DD(19) has a 61 year old mum

[LornaDuh]

Don't know why it's just hit me at 10.45 on a Saturday night in June.

Just feels weird that a girl not yet out of her teens has a mum over 60!

I was an ‘orphan’ by the time I was 30. It has left me with a big sense of my own mortality and health anxiety

That's tough @Cattyisbatty Without wishing to sound patronising, have you had counselling for this?

I too had lost both parents before I was 30. They were youngish though and just unlucky. However, although I have miss my mum desperately, it has left me with a carpe diem attitude to many aspects of life. I'm relishing having the adult relationship with DD that I never had with my mum.

I'm not that bothered about being around when she is middle aged - I want to see her safely launched into adulthood and independence.

Look after yourself ♡

So ageist and stereotyping of yourself .....and your daughter

Exactly. Nobody can see into the future. You just have to deal with whatever life throws at you.

No one really has any business auditing other people's decisions on when to have a baby. I see all sorts of people having babies in their 20s or 30s whilst in massive debt, jobless, in abusive relationships or relationships that are breaking down, or knowing that they are chronically ill and likely to become more ill more permanently after having a child. There are all sorts of reasons why having a baby is a bad idea for people at any age but either you accept that people have babies when they feel it's right or you don't.

Agree. We were born in the early 90s, the average age to have kids back then seemed mid 20s going by the ages of my friends parents. Ordinary upper working class/lower middle class area. Doing a rough tally in my head the same kids became parents in their late 20s, ish.

Yea, it's weird to me. My mum's 57 and I'm 36. My DDs 11, almost 12, so I'll be 43 when she'll be 19. In my opinion, it's better to have children in your 20s than a baby in your 40s. Way too old, it looks ridiculous. A woman with grey hair, wrinkles and a baby. Just my opinion.

That surely plays the part why every second child here has issues. Adhd, autism, etc. They're being born to women who could be grannies.

You’re right in terms of it being perhaps more likely the older you are, but a terminal diagnosis can happen at any age. My DHs Mum died of cancer that spread to the brain in her 30s, having had her kids at 20, 27 and 31. A good friends Mum died of cancer at 45, having had her kids at 26 and 30. All we can do at any age is be prepared as much as possible with life insurance etc and hope for the best!

I'm not that bothered about being around when she is middle aged - I want to see her safely launched into adulthood and independence.

I don't understand why you started this thread, did you feign concern at your age to deliberately provoke an unwinnable, well trodden debate for self validation? Because that is how it is coming across.

But surely you acknowledge something called probability?! That’s certainly not ‘all we can do’

We need to advise young women ho want a family to start looking for a man in their mid 20s at the latest. I have numerous friends who wasted time on losers and fuck boys at that age and are now in 30s, single and panicking because most of the decent men have been snapped up.

Exactly this. There are so many posters who insist that everyone they know started having children in their 40s - despite the fact the average age for a woman to have a baby in this country is 30 to 31.

I live in an 'upper middle class' village and I know women from all walks of life ... Many here are semi professional, professional, top of the tree in industry and commerce and banking and medicine. I know women who are.... vicars, dentists, doctors, paediatricians, consultants, lawyers, teachers/head-teachers, you name it. And all of them had their first child before she was 35. Every single one.

Some of them had the first baby AND the last one before 35. I think I can count on the fingers of one hand, the amount of women I have known in my life (nearly 60 years) who have had a baby over 44/45. and let's just say in all the cases, it didn't really end well. I won't say any more than that.

But yeah as you say; on Mumsnet, some posters don't know anyone under 5 foot 8, all their children are tall and athletic, (and gorgeous and gifted,) everybody they know (including them) are thin - like a size 6. Also, everyone they know is on over £100,000 a year, and their DH earns WAAAAAY more, and everyone's got 50 or 60 thousand pounds in their smallest savings pot, and a pension with £850,000 in it. They also ALL have a cleaner and often have a gardener. And they act all faux shocked that everybody isn't the same. It's a parallel universe!

I'm 37. My mum is 60. My FIL is 83. People have children at different times.

My friend had her first baby at 21 and while she had the energy to run around she had zero money and they lived in one bedroom of her parents house (including her bf/baby's dad). She panicked about every decision she had to make. I had mine at 34 and am more knackered but financially and emotionally I'm more stable than I would have been at 21.

There's positives and negatives to both. Don't dwell.

Many young girls in their early 20s or even older aren’t sure whether they want children or not. We shouldn’t be encouraging them to rush into motherhood because they feel they should.

They’ll have to make up their minds. And if they’re open to it, start looking. Sometimes things aren’t exactly as they would be in an ideal world.

Yes because of course all women in their forties look like Super Gran don’t they.
FFS.

Yeah because all women of 42 have grey hair and wrinkles.

I don’t know what she meant and neither do you. In my experience the responsibilities and parenting pick up the pace as children go through their teenage years into early adulthood. Their problems become bigger and it’s a parent’s role to help them navigate. They need your emotional support so much.

One of my best friends is 61 and has a 14 year old and an 18 year old. She is one of the fittest and most active people I know and looks amazing for her age too.

I'm 54 and have a 15 year old. My age is never an issue for DD.

This idea parenting is over once they turn 18 is ludicrous. I worry so much more now, have so much to do in emotional and practical terms. So happy I spent my first 40 years doing me....

yet here I am off to my IVF action scan this morning

Wishing you all the best @adviceneeded1990

It's funny how people who don't believe in "tinkering with nature" don't have a problem with accessing 21st century medication, surgery and dentistry when it suits them or their loved ones.

I was 31 when I had my first and was by far youngest in my NCT group. It’s really not noteworthy these days.

Yes let’s encourage women in their teens and early twenties who don’t even have fully developed brains yet to make babies, on the off chance that they might get cancer in their sixties 🙈.

“Start looking for a man” 😳 I have no words. Sometimes it’s a medical issue - I’m going through IVF at 33. I won’t go into medical details but had I started trying at 18, I’d still have needed IVF! Just without the money, emotional maturity and solid marriage to enable me to cope with it.

Depending on where you live, it's becoming increasingly common to have dc in your early to mid 40's. Where I live a lot of people start relatively early and have children in their late teens, early twenties. I've noticed a few people recently having a big gap and then having one or two more at around 40. I had my dc close together when I was 24, 25, 28, 31 and 32. There are advantages and disadvantages of having children at different times. I think most children/teens wish their parents were younger, cooler, richer, less strict etc.

Who said teens? I clearly said mid 20s. The brain is considered finishing developing by 24. You’re not a typical example.

Until recently in human history, you had children throughout your fertile years. So most women were "a young mum," "an average mum" and "an older mum" at various points. Nobody thought much about it. It was just the way things were.

We now have the ability to plan our families, which is a good thing in most ways. But the ability to plan has led some people to overthink things a bit, or become obsessed with idea of "curating" your procreation ("Procuration"?) to achieve some mythical perfect family, as though doing so will guarantee a problem-free family life.

For a certain type of person, having a baby before your late 20s is "too young," anything after early thirties is "too old," anything other than a two to three year age gap is a problem and will cause your children to lose out, only children will be lonely, three or more kids is "too many," you'd better make sure you have one child of each gender etc. etc. etc. Basically, anything other than one child just before 30 and one child just after 30 and then getting your tubes tied is unacceptable.

My mum was 39, and was always one of the oldest mums. But she was bubbly, very active, sporty, open-minded and looked fab, and all my friends envied me. So age is just a number.

But I am glad I had my 3 in my 20s, and to be a youngish mum and grand-mother and be there for my granchildren until they are adults, and beyond, hopefully.

Nought you can do about it now- so enjoy.