To think it's not right that DD(19) has a 61 year old mum

[LornaDuh]

Don't know why it's just hit me at 10.45 on a Saturday night in June.

Just feels weird that a girl not yet out of her teens has a mum over 60!

A 65 year old relative of mine has a very sporty and active 15 year old. He does find it exhausting. And he worries about his longevity as both his father and grandfather died in their late 60s. His partner is 58.

Children are generally happy to accept their own realities. Your child wouldn’t exist at all if you had chosen to have children younger - you would have conceived a different child/children altogether. So, unless she doesn’t want to exist, she should be happy you chose to have children when you did.

Your age will have more of an impact on your child as an adult, imvho, as she may be younger than average when you get to the point that she feels a greater sense of responsibility for you than you do for her, iyswim, but this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it’s just your reality, which has different positives and negatives to other people’s situations.

Do you remember love, security, adventures, laughter from when you were a kid? Or do you focus only on your parents' age?

I had my DS when I was 44. He's 14 now and I'm 58. I've recently lost a lot of weight and can chase him round the house and be silly again. Your age isn't the factor, it's your energy and lifestyle really. DH and I are much more financially secure than we were 20 years ago and more settled. Lots of things make for great parents - age is rarely the issue.

My mum had me when she was 19, she died not long after I turned 17 when I still needed a mum for so many things. Having your children young is no guarantee of a long life together.

I had my own children at 23, 28, 36 & 40, in retrospect I was bit young at 23 though I didn’t think it at the time. I do now worry about how long I will be around for my youngest children, but I have always worried about leaving my children whatever my age. Even if I live to be 100 I will always feel that I am leaving them too soon as no amount of time could ever be enough.

I'll be 61 3 weeks after dd is 19.

My mum was also 61 when I was 19.

My dad was 69.

DD is 15, I’m 58 & DH is 60. DD went through a stage of saying she hated having older parents but it’s got better since she met her GF who is younger than her but whose parents are not much younger than us 🙂

I do agree with you however my adopted DD has Down Syndrome her birth mum was 15!

48 year old mother of a nearly 7 year old. I hear you, OP, but for me the time was right when it was right. And if she's got a loving close mum then she's doing pretty well, right?

There's nothing you can do about it now. It's done.

But in general I feel strongly that people shouldn't leave it until their 40s to have children - male or female. Things can happen at any age but if you get a bad diagnosis in your 30s or 40s you're very unlucky, if it happens in your 60s it's just happening a little earlier than we all hope. It's not uncommon. And none of the people I know who passed in their 60s in recent years were overweight, smokers etc. There's nothing that they could have done to prevent it.

Speaking from personal experience it's horrific having a parent get a terminal diagnosis in your 20s and it upends your whole life. And my dad was only in his 30s when I was born so I was technically late 20s. I also had a family friend who had 1 daughter at 43 and has just passed away at 61. The worst part is when people have children late they often only have 1 child, meaning they don't even have siblings to lean on.

From a vanity point of view, no it doesn't matter that you have a teenager at 61 but as an older parent please ensure you do everything you can to protect your child from having to be a carer / bereaved / alone in their teens / 20s. Look after your health, put your finances in order, plan for the worst and maintain close relationships with your wider family to ensure she has family that will be there for her if anything happens to you.

100% agree with this. ^

my youngest is 17. I’m 52. I was always one of the older mums at school! Even when I had my eldest at 27 I was one of the older mums. It’s much more common now to be having babies in your 40’s.

I thought it was more weird that DS had a mum who was 38 when he was 19. Particular highlights included being invited to go on the bouncy castle with him when he was 4 as the man in charge thought I was his big sister 🙄 Also, his mates shouting ‘your bird’s fit’ when he Was 15. Plus, a lot of people thought his grandma was his mum when the three of us were out together and would direct questions to her. Not fun.

My DS is 18, I’m 40 but feel about 61 🤷‍♀️

DS is 24. I'm 62 and his dad, DH, is 71. We do not look or act 'our age'. We get on well and he still comes on holiday with us occasionally.

This is the main reason we didn't have a third child. I didn't want to be that old with a teenager tbh.

What a ridiculous comment. The boyfriend's mother would have been in her early 20s when she had him. That's not 'ludicrously young!' FGS this place sometimes. According to some, it's OK to have twins by IVF at 57, but not OK to have a baby at 22-23, because it's LUDICROUSLY young! Stop the world I wanna get off! 🙄

And the 'I know a woman whose mother had her at 25 and her mother died at 40 (when this woman was 15,) so it makes no difference when you have babies' type comments are laughable. Yes people can die young, but the chances of losing your mother at a young age is far greater if she has you in her 40s, than if she has you in her 20s!

🙄

I’m afraid to say I agree with this. It’s only really become normal to have first children at 38+ in the last 15 years or so, and the societal and social implications of that haven’t really played out yet. I also agree that it means you’re more likely to only have 1 - we know quite a few couples who have had onlys at 43+, and while nobody saying a frivolous 17 year old would be better, I do wonder what their family set up will look like in 35 years if they don’t find a partner and have a family of their own. Quite a few of these parents aren’t in great shape and are obese or have one or two conditions on the go already.

I also find it interesting that people regularly bemoan a lack of society/wider support network and general loneliness while having onlys later in life. Is that not counterintuitive? People also bemoan a lack of grandparent support when they’ll likely be too old themselves to provide support

Moot point. The chances of having a child with DS are FAR greater if you are over 40 than if you are 15!

I agree with @Fluffyelephant too. All these people championing having babies after 41-42 don't stop for a single moment to think ahead, and the consequences for the child.

You might have benefitted though, she will have kept you young and aware of trends that you might have missed.

I was over 60 (and DH was over 70) when my youngest DC was 19 - perfectly normal in my circle

Pretending you don’t know anyone who birthed a child before the age of 39 is a MN middle-class affectation. Along with saying that you don’t know anyone with no savings, or anyone under 5’7” tall so can’t possibly believe that the average female height in the UK is 5’4” (god forbid that any of your friends is a stunted peasant!!). And the BMI thing/competitive undereating is another peak MN example.

It also pains me a bit when they say ‘I had my first at 40 because I wanted to do loads of travelling/have fun…’

Ok I understand that but it was very much at the expense of the child. 12-15 years of fun after leaving school doesn’t offer much less than 22.