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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave DH after he encouraged our DC to kick me

129 replies

DearHorse · 15/06/2024 18:32

Just that really.

My DC was kicking my DH. My DH was kicking back (playfully I guess). I got in the middle telling them both to stop and my DH then told my DC to kick me. My DC then started kicking me.

DC is only little (under 5).

Would I be unreasonable to leave him?

There is (obviously) a big backstory, but it is too long for a post. There has been other occasions where he has encouraged our DC to hit me.

OP posts:
WhatsRequiredThen · 15/06/2024 18:33

Absolutely leave him. Protect yourself and your child.

FictionalCharacter · 15/06/2024 18:35

The backstory is important. It‘s absolutely abnormal for a father to encourage young children to hit and kick their mother. Something is very wrong here.

TheShellBeach · 15/06/2024 18:36

What is the background to this?

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 15/06/2024 18:36

They were play fighting? Why did you get in the middle? Why not just leave them to it?

but yes, if you get in the middle of a play fight then you’re involved. without the back story it’s impossible to know, but this doesn’t seem like marriage ending territory.

BookArt · 15/06/2024 18:38

I do think the back story will play a large part in a decision here. But if your gut reaction was this is wrong and to post on here then get out. Don't let things cool down/make excuses/sweep it under the carpet, etc, because the longer you wait the harder it will be to show your son the right way to treat those we love.

Theunamedcat · 15/06/2024 18:38

Yes you should leave if you wish however be aware he will get one on one time with the child as he won't be seen to be unfit for pulling shit like this my ex told the children they didn't need to listen to me or do as I said led to a very adversarial relationship with my son until he matured enough to work out his dad didn't WANT him he just wanted him to hurt me

Be prepared for therapy

Lmnop22 · 15/06/2024 18:39

If it was playing and it was in jest, it’s not worth leaving him but just asking him privately not to encourage your son to kick you because it hurts/teaches him that’s ok etc (not in front of your son).

If there’s a back story whereby your partner uses your son to abuse you because he can get away with it if your son has instigated it then absolutely get out of there because not only will he continue to do this but he will teach your son to do this!

Original poster
DearHorse · 15/06/2024 18:40

The backstory to this is that DC had been kicking him all evening, and he got so frustrated at some point that he left the situation. Then he came back "playfully" kicking DC back.

I don't approve of kicking at all, does not matter to me if this is "playful". That is why I got in the middle.

The larger backstory is that there are many other problems in the marriage. I don't want to be accused of a dripfeed later on by stating this up front.

OP posts:
RampantKrampus · 15/06/2024 18:42

Frankly I think it’s unacceptable to be playing kicking games with a small child who is unlikely to be able to distinguish between play and not play, and will end up getting into trouble for it at school/nursery. And abhorrent to then encourage the child to kick their other parent.

Roundroundthegarden · 15/06/2024 18:44

5yo is old enough to be firmly told off for doing this and to stop it. Your dh is encouraging him and no wonder he thinks it's a game. Yanbu.

Octavia64 · 15/06/2024 18:45

I wouldn't leave for this.

I would be strongly encouraging both your DC and your DH not to kick people.

Funkyfizz · 15/06/2024 18:46

Sounds like horseplay that got out of hand. Your DH needs to stop playing hitting and kicking games with your child.

Iggityziggety · 15/06/2024 18:48

Sounds like your DH is mortally wounded by a small child overstepping and hurting him, and rather than dealing with it like a parent and adult human, he's decided to get some sort of petty revenge on him instead. He's then drawn you into it to make him feel better as he's not the only one being hurt by your child and he can say SEE! he does it to you too. Then the problem lies with your son not him.

Didimum · 15/06/2024 18:51

I wouldn’t leave my husband for this, but I would be very disappointed in him. The backstory matters – sounds as if it’s the straw that broke the camel’s back?

TheTartfulLodger · 15/06/2024 18:52

Well based just on this one example of what you say was just playful horseplay, no I don't think you should end a marriage. Without the proper back story it's hard to comment any further than that unfortunately.

Ohgoodlord · 15/06/2024 18:55

Octavia64 · 15/06/2024 18:45

I wouldn't leave for this.

I would be strongly encouraging both your DC and your DH not to kick people.

You think a grown man needs to be told not to kick people or even his own child?

FictionalCharacter · 15/06/2024 18:58

DearHorse · 15/06/2024 18:40

The backstory to this is that DC had been kicking him all evening, and he got so frustrated at some point that he left the situation. Then he came back "playfully" kicking DC back.

I don't approve of kicking at all, does not matter to me if this is "playful". That is why I got in the middle.

The larger backstory is that there are many other problems in the marriage. I don't want to be accused of a dripfeed later on by stating this up front.

Edited

You’ve focused on this particular kicking incident, which doesn’t sound terrible in isolation, so people are saying so.
But you also said There has been other occasions where he has encouraged our DC to hit me.
This makes it more serious because clearly this isn’t just a single incident of horseplay getting out of hand.

Topseyt123 · 15/06/2024 18:58

No parent should be encouraging their child to kick anyone. Not the other parent, not anyone else either. It is behaviour that should be nipped in the bud the minute it starts.

If my DH had ever encouraged the children to kick or hit me then I would have been furious, and yes, it could well have been a deal breaker because it is so utterly disrespectful.

CustardySergeant · 15/06/2024 18:59

DearHorse · 15/06/2024 18:40

The backstory to this is that DC had been kicking him all evening, and he got so frustrated at some point that he left the situation. Then he came back "playfully" kicking DC back.

I don't approve of kicking at all, does not matter to me if this is "playful". That is why I got in the middle.

The larger backstory is that there are many other problems in the marriage. I don't want to be accused of a dripfeed later on by stating this up front.

Edited

What did either of you do to stop your child kicking him all evening?

Original poster
DearHorse · 15/06/2024 19:03

CustardySergeant · 15/06/2024 18:59

What did either of you do to stop your child kicking him all evening?

Show quote history

I had to do some work so DH was in charge of DC. I am not sure what DH did apart from leaving the situation at some point.

OP posts:
Original poster
DearHorse · 15/06/2024 19:07

Topseyt123 · 15/06/2024 18:58

No parent should be encouraging their child to kick anyone. Not the other parent, not anyone else either. It is behaviour that should be nipped in the bud the minute it starts.

If my DH had ever encouraged the children to kick or hit me then I would have been furious, and yes, it could well have been a deal breaker because it is so utterly disrespectful.

This is exactly how I feel about it

OP posts:
Original poster
DearHorse · 15/06/2024 19:13

FictionalCharacter · 15/06/2024 18:58

You’ve focused on this particular kicking incident, which doesn’t sound terrible in isolation, so people are saying so.
But you also said There has been other occasions where he has encouraged our DC to hit me.
This makes it more serious because clearly this isn’t just a single incident of horseplay getting out of hand.

Show quote history

The other scenarios are probably similar. Funny to my DH, and not at all funny to me. There was a phase where DC would hurt me (& only me) & DH thought it was funny. He said things such as "slap mummy", even took DC's hand once to slap me. He would say he was being playful, but I can't see how this is fun or playful at all.

OP posts:
AurumTroyoz · 15/06/2024 19:17

DearHorse · 15/06/2024 18:40

The backstory to this is that DC had been kicking him all evening, and he got so frustrated at some point that he left the situation. Then he came back "playfully" kicking DC back.

I don't approve of kicking at all, does not matter to me if this is "playful". That is why I got in the middle.

The larger backstory is that there are many other problems in the marriage. I don't want to be accused of a dripfeed later on by stating this up front.

Edited

If there is violence of any type in the marriage you should absolutely leave him.

missmollygreen · 15/06/2024 19:19

Where you trying to stop dc from kicking dh? You said it had been happening all day

TheShellBeach · 15/06/2024 19:21

It sounds like there are a lot of things which are making you wish to end your marriage, and this incident is the straw which has broken the camel's back.