to leave DH after he encouraged our DC to kick me

[DearHorse]

Just that really.

My DC was kicking my DH. My DH was kicking back (playfully I guess). I got in the middle telling them both to stop and my DH then told my DC to kick me. My DC then started kicking me.

DC is only little (under 5).

Would I be unreasonable to leave him?

There is (obviously) a big backstory, but it is too long for a post. There has been other occasions where he has encouraged our DC to hit me.

Please be aware that he might improve temporarily and then ramp up the abuse to a new level. It’s a well known cycle that keeps you with him.

That is exactly how I feel & why I made the post originally. I felt like he was involving our DD in his mistreatment of me

Even with the name calling (which has mostly stopped now), if I am a frustrating person to live with, isn't it then justified to call me names?

I did try to give context in my posts, and it did seem they were playing around. Is that context okay? These type of things makes me doubt myself, as does the thought of breaking up the family for something minor.

I have told him clearly before that I don't like this. I also hate being hit on the bottom, even if it is playful. I asked him why would he tell DD to high-five me in the face. He said:

• I thought you had heard me say it, so you could have stopped her
• You were ignoring me, and I was trying to get your attention (I was sitting on the sofa with them on my phone)
• I thought DD would say No

Dear god @DearHorse your expectations if an equal and living relationship are so low and off base. :(

If your partner frustrates you - which do you think is better:

• tell him he’s a worthless dick and useless. or…
• talk to him about how and why certain behaviour frustrates you and what would help instead.

if my partner if 10 years frustrates me I don’t call him names. I discuss it with him like an adult.

Would he behave the same with work colleagues, friends or family?

he’s immature, doesn’t respect you and is not a good role model to your child.

if things stay the same don’t be surprised to see your child copying his behaviour and being a nightmare to you with no respect for you in 10 years time.

Being hit and kicked isn't minor, OP.

Your DH is a nasty bastard. I have never heard of a parent encouraging a child to slap, kick or in amy way hurt the other parent. Never. Not even jest.

That’s good to hear. I’m horrified that he ever did that in the first place. Good men don’t do that. Ever. I’m afraid he’s not a good man. I’m glad things are going better for you, but always remember what he is capable of.

This is not a helpful response.

This man is abusing his wife and child while expecting them to stop him and not do it.

Even though your dd is less likely than a son to seriously hurt you, teaching a child from so young to have no respect for their mother seems likely to result in incredibly difficult teen years. A teen dd could seriously hurt you, physically and emotionally.

No, best name calling is not justified even if someone is finding you had to live with!!

I think you should leave. This isn't ok and may keep happening.

I can see your perspective, but to me it is helpful as I am struggling to get over him calling me names. I feel I am just waiting for it to happen again. That post highlighted for me that trying to get over it is perhaps not the right thing to do, as that would be me denying to myself what he is actually like/capable of.

I would never have chosen to marry someone who spoke to me like that. With DD's slap, it reminded me that he is not someone I can feel fully safe around.

So he was a perfect human being with no red flags before he became a father? Not sure what back story can cover this

What do you mean by this?

Many men ramp up abuse as soon as a woman is trapped by pregnancy and parenthood.

Many people struggle with what’s acceptable behaviour if they grew up having their boundaries undermined. That makes it easy for a partner to make an excuse for bad behaviour or abuse, and turn it back on them when they try to put their foot down. It happened like that to me. @DearHorse have you heard the metaphor about the frog in boiling water? Chuck a frog into a hot pan and it leaps out straight away. Heat up the water from cold with the frog in it and the frog stays there, doesn’t escape. Abusive relationships are like that. They never start with the really bad stuff, they start with little things that can be explained away or excused. Then one day you realise that you’re not actually safe with your partner and he’s abusing you, but by then you’re well committed, with a child and maybe financial dependence.

However you have realised now and can make plans to escape.

How confused your DC must be in their little head. Told to high 5 mummy in the face like that is an OK thing to do to a person they love and are loved by. Imagine growing up in a household like that 😥

It's just a cunty "gotcha" designed to blame women for the actions of men ignore it

How did you discipline your child for hitting you?

My DC used to play fight with their dad. I made it clear from the get go that I was not joining in this game. They always left me alone. I do think it's odd to get in between them, it's as though you want to join in. However, if this is not a straightforward game and there's more going on, then yes yanbu to leave. My DC were very aware I didn't play fight and respected this, my DH fully backed me up on this so it wasn't a problem. Sounds like this isn't the case in your house.

You don't agree with dad encouraging your child to hit you.
You don't agree with him calling you names.
You don't agree with him putting you down (calling you stupid and blaming you for your daughter high fiving your face because you should have stopped her)
He controls the situation by not liking you speaking to your child in your native language.
You don't love this man.
You don't feel respected by this man.

If your daughter was in this relationship, would you be telling her to leave? Yes.

I understand doubting if it is bad enough to leave. I understand the worry of doing it on your own, having to organise everything, breaking up your daughter's family... but in a year you won't regret it. As soon as you aren't being undermined by him every day you will see how quickly you are able to make these decisions and learn how to trust your instincts again.

You aren't happy which is shown by these posts and talking to your friends. You don't want to teach your daughter that this is what relationships should be, you don't want her to end up in this type of relationship. I left by putting this at the forefront of my reasons, leaving FOR my children made me stronger to do so.

Wish you all the luck.

"struggling to move on from him calling me names"

You don't need to and shouldn't move on from it. Not if by moving on you mean ignoring it, pretending like it never happened and getting on with life as if it never happened. It did happen. It's not ok that it happened. You don't owe him an opportunity to press the reset button and go back to before it happened. Not even if he apologised. Because an apology doesn't make it ok either.

I know things are bad for you because in the cycle of abuse where he blows from hot to cold, over and over on repeat, the "hot" phase is initially love bombing. But as abuse progresses the "hot" phase gradually reduces down until it's nothing more than a cessation of abuse. From what you've said in this thread that's where your relationship is now.

When compared to the "cold" phase of abuse, this cessation feels like some kind of special gold dust treatment. It isn't. It's just that your expectations have been gradually lowered over time, by repeated abuse, until you eventually accept the cessation of it as some kind of prize. By this point your thought processes are messed up and it can be very difficult to see your way out of the situation and recognise it for what it is: domestic abuse.

Wtf just no

Thanks all. I have a flat viewing booked for next week. Hopefully I can find something suitable & move with my DD.

The previous poster saying she left for her DC. Reading that comment, I remembered something that happened recently: DD was being naughty (I don't remember what exactly she was doing), and as DH walked off, he called her a bitch (to himself), but loud enough for me to hear.

I will stop shilly shallying & take action.

Other things that happened since he mostly stopped calling me names: called me an arse for not bringing him his phone while he was in the bath, and calling me a moron for spending (my own) money on a piece of jewellery that I wanted (he thought I spend too much money on it).

There are other awful things that he has said in the past, which makes me so angry thinking about it. For example, he put me off trying to get my driving license, saying it would cost too much money, and that he knows how my brain works, and I would not be able to do it. Then he turns around complaining that I don't drive and he has to do all the driving. I don't need to forgive, as that would only benefit him, and not me. I will just keep reminding me of all the shitty things that he has said and done, & use that as fuel to leave & make a better life.

Thank goodness you have got there! Well done. I know it’s hard. They persuade you that you’re the one with the problem, no sense of humour etc. then it’s your fault because you carried on annoying him when you knew he was tired/angry/pissed etc.
Before you know it, your DD has seen him hospitalise you and she agrees it’s all your fault you should have known better.

Well done. I hope the viewing goes well.

Well done and good luck!

Please call Women's aid for advice.

He is being physically abusive in a sneaky way.
He is directing small children to hurt you.

He knows exactly what he is doing.
He is abusing both the children and you at the same time.

This is very serious.
You need to contact Domestic abuse charities asap.

Also he wants you helpless, hence not wanting you to drive.

Yours is a home of domestic abuse and violence.
Tell your children to tell their teachers that Daddy tells them to kick and hurt mummy.

See what happens. This is a social services case.

Call 101 for advice.
You all deserve so much better than this.