to leave DH after he encouraged our DC to kick me

[DearHorse]

Just that really.

My DC was kicking my DH. My DH was kicking back (playfully I guess). I got in the middle telling them both to stop and my DH then told my DC to kick me. My DC then started kicking me.

DC is only little (under 5).

Would I be unreasonable to leave him?

There is (obviously) a big backstory, but it is too long for a post. There has been other occasions where he has encouraged our DC to hit me.

He is abusing you through your child. Nothing has changed. 😔

Bit worried you need to ask this even. There is absolutely nothing funny about any of this. It is f-ing chilling. Imagine another ten years, when you have a teen who's father has laughed and encouraged your DC (I'm going to hazard a guess your son) to hit and kick their mum and find it a "joke" . GTFO. Ask for help to do so.

Sorry, can't say anything softer but please seek help from people in real life and be kind to yourself x

I’m so sorry, @DearHorse

Why did you stay in the end? It sounds as though he reins it in just long enough for you to back down then when he thinks he can get away with it he starts again.
Unless attacking you is his way of relieving stress, so it will always happen intermittently.

You should have left him when you first posted the thread, leopards don't change their spots. Are you going to allow your child to grow up to be as spiteful as his dad? Get out of this marriage for your child's sake - and yours!

I decided to stay due to multiple reasons. Exhaustion being one. Leaving and making a new life is so much work, which seemed insurmountable. I don't have an "easy" option of going to stay with family. I am also a very indecisive person by nature. Some of my life experiences prior to this relationship probably did not help either. And the responses (here but also in person) who thought that I was overreacting, I could see that point of view too. I struggle to see the bigger picture in general, so I focused on the issue in my OP to try to decide what to do. If I was overreacting, then there was no reason to leave.

@ReplacementBusService I can see that it is worrying. I have had some difficult life experiences prior to this, and have ignored really worrying red flags before.

I have sought support from my friends relating to my DH, but they must be getting tired listening to my stories but not changing anything.

I recently asked a friend to help me find a rental, so I could leave, and she sent me links to potential options, which is great. But then I found myself thinking, is this needed... Should I just stay? I feel stuck in these cycles of going back and forth.

Definitely leave.

I have a suspicion that your DH wants to be violent but won't so gets your child to do it but pretends it is a joke. DH sounds like he has no respect for you and sounds like he wants your child to be the same.

You need some work on yourself because it is obviously quite bad and your shilly shallying is hurting you. But this is difficult work to do if you have been raised to minimize your own pain and generally talk yourself out of making waves.

One thing to realize though is time’s arrow goes in only one direction. Every day that you delay leaving is another day where your child is hurt by being raised to hurt you, not learning your language, learning to despise you as your partner does. You will never get back these precious early years. Don’t waste another minute of your precious child’s life trying to make this wretched relationship work.

You want to break up your marriage and family (extremely traumatic for your child) because your husband was playfighting with his child and then suggested to your son he should involve you. They’re mucking around.

If you want to leave your marriage because you’re unhappy that’s one thing, but to divorce over him playfully suggesting your son kick you is absurd.

This is absolutely domestic violence by proxy.

Op, you need to leave. Even if you are unable to do so on your own behalf, your husband is abusing your child by making them the agent of his abuse.

This will only escalate, with terrible outcomes for both you and your child, who may well end up alienated from you altogether.

It has happened several times including egging on the son to hit his mum in the face. What is the son going to be like towards his mum when he is a teenager?

You said it better than me but that is what I was thinking!

Well it's not right. Your husband is training your child to be the type of man we are all reading about. Abusive towards women. Treating woman like they are worth nothing. This is your life now unless you leave.

The language thing is probably as he doesn't know what you're saying and wants total control.

Depends on the context. Are dad and son having fun, playfighting (totally normal!) and trying to involve mum, laughing, not aggressive etc. Or is dad saying ‘go hit your mum in the face’ with no playful tone, completely serious etc etc.

People on mumsnet are so quick to say ‘leave him’ without considering the consequences to the kids etc. Obviously it goes without saying that domestic abuse is inexcusable and the man must be left, but this does not scream domestic abuse - he has never laid a hand on her??

Please leave. Not only does your husband clearly not have any respect for you, but you are also very likely to end up having a broken relationship with your child. One of my friends was in an abusive marriage, and by the time she finally managed to leave, it was too late for her relationship with her children: the one that stayed with her, has been beating her and physically/verbally/emotionally abusing her in many ways for the last few years, having learnt this behaviour from the ex husband before he moved out. The child is only 15. Their life is a nightmare.
Please leave him.

This is such bad advice and comprehension of the situation.

Unstick yourself darling, you know it well enough that you came back here twice as well as asking all your friends

It is because he is encouraging his son to do it instead instead of himself.

We don’t know the situation. We are going off a few paragraphs from OP and have absolutely no idea of the reality. Hence why context is important.

Does your significant other tells your kids to slap you in the face and kick you for a bit of a laugh? That's not play fighting. Please tell your kids not to do this to you or anyone else for fun

Leaving an abusive relationship is a big and difficult change. Staying is poison to the child growing up in the situation.

Have you read each of her posts? Have you noticed that she finds it distressing but her child’s father does it anyway? That he controls her, not allowing her to speak her language to their child?

No but if he’s messing around with the kids and laughing/running about he’ll say for eg ‘go and hit mummy on the bottom she’s being cheeky’. There is absolutely no malicious intent. It’s being playful. Which is why context/tone/language are all important.

What she's said is enough.