Really sympathise with the back and forth of seeing how bad it is and then conditioning kicking in and re writing.
I left almost ten years ago and I still have my ‘fuck this’ folder.
Towards the end of the relationship I started to be completely non reactive in my circumstance. If he called me names I didn’t retaliate, didnt cry, didnt beg to talk etc.
I started to write down the interactions from a neutral third person.
I know this sounds so odd but it’s how I got out of the conditioning of it being my fault.
I was so confused that if he called me a name and I asked him not to or cried, my brain would quickly decide I had caused it or escalated it somehow.
My letters showed beyond a doubt that I hadn’t caused it and I couldn’t fix it.
The writing down of these scenes meant I could see it properly.
Interestingly, when I became so neutral he intially ramped up the nastiness but when I stayed non reactive he almost didn’t bother at all with me. His toy was boring now.
I also read books, a classic but good one is Lundy Bacrofts, why does he do that?
About abusive men and the patterns of behaviour.
Guarantee you will find him in there.
I still have my ‘fuck it’ folder. I was scared that I might forget and be pulled back so I kept it for reference.
Funnily enough, I never needed it.
Once I was away, my brain cleared and even migraines and IBS improved.
When you are in a relationship like this your body and mind are so stressed constantly checking the temp around you.
When you are out, you realise you were the proverbial boiled frog and now you can relax.
I would say, once you go you need to be very kind to self. I found so many memories came up such as your driving licence example.
You may feel very angry, you may be very sad at how you have been treated. You may have to relearn how to feel after suppressing yourself for so long.
I would suggest some counselling if that is an option.
However, please don’t be scared of any of the above, it’s all freeing and empowering.
Honestly, I wish you so much happiness and joy in the small things.
Choosing the temp on your thermostat, taking your driving test, re discovering your own opinions and strength.
Looking yourself in the eye in the mirror with affection and respect.