DH, Anita Rani and the see thru dress

[DontShow]

Going to a ball soon, and I want to wear something lovely, also fashionable.

I was looking at more transparent dresses, as they seem to be in and I definitely have the figure for this. I am 46.

DH said it's all inappropriate. He's never really been fussy about me looking sexy before, he has always liked me to look classy, I call it Princess of Wales style.

So I said, what about Anita Rani, she is my age and looked amazing. "Let's see" he said, "I have always thought she is beautiful". So he looks at the photo for a while, says nothing about her, but says I should not wear something like that as it would be sad.

So, AIBU, or do you need a divorce like Anita to wear what you want at 46?
She has credited her divorce as the catalyst for wearing this, and I think she looks amazing frankly!

OP, the dress is bloody awful. It doesn't suit the wearer in the pic and it won't suit you.

If something is truly empowering - as in, gives you power - men would be doing it too. Men are not wearing transparent clothes or outfits that show their underwear or allow you to see the results of their bikini wax. The word empowering has been used to describe women taking their clothes off since the 90s but it's never actually empowered any woman at all and it's hard to see how it could.

That said, I don't think there's anything wrong with women wearing eye-catching or outrageous or headline-grabbing outfits on the red carpet. I don't think we're getting any closer to equity in a world where that involves near-nudity for women while men wear tuxes, but I'm not judging or condemning any woman for doing it. Nor am I pretending that it brings her power.

All of that aside, English private schools are full of class-related judgement, and a transparent dress over underwear would definitely attract contempt - sure, maybe lustful thoughts too, maybe envy and desire - but no respect. It might not be fair or right, but if you choose to be in that world then you choose to live with those attitudes. There is an obsession with being appropriate and getting social rules correct, especially all the unspoken ones, and making it look effortless. A see-through dress or any outfit that shows your knickers would break those rules and disempower you in that world going forwards.

im not keen

How about something nude coloured that is not se through but it might not be flattering depending on your skintone

I actually prefer this. I think it’s much more flattering, although still not appropriate for a school ball.

I love Anita Rani and the think she’s very attractive but the sheer dress didn’t suit her at all. She could have chosen something far more striking that what is essentially a flesh coloured body suit with transparent mesh over the top.

the posters talking about “empowerment” are spot on! I never understood why it’s empowering to take your clothes off! I remember loose women doing an episode where they did an advert or billboard completely nude and kept talking about empowerment etc. I always thought it was not empowering but rather pathetic! How many men strip off and feel empowered? Would we say the same if our MP’s male or female stripped off to show how empowered they were? I always think it’s men outing these ideas in young girls/any aged girls heads that being naked is powerful! Sorry I’m not very good with my words but I hope it makes sense!

Back to the question in hand: I think AR looks awful but for a celebrity they need to look a bit out there so her outfit is okay in that sense. If she was my sister / friend I would be very embarrassed to be standing next to her. But as I said a celebrity okay look but real life so bad!

It does.
Funny how this so called empowerment just happen to be the very things that most appeal to men (as a class. Obviously not all individuals) ie half naked women or women twerking away. Stripping is empowering. Pole dancing is empowering. Wearing see through clothes is empowering. Doing porn is empowering.

Well played, patriarchy, well played indeed. 👏👏👏👏👏

Maybe the feeling of empowerment comes from not giving a shit what other women think and refusing to feel judged for looking and being sexy?

But what is “sexy” when you boil it down?

It’s got a lot to do with appealing to men. I don’t really think that’s empowering in its best sense.

For me empowerment is being able to pursue goals that turn on my abilities and application.

I think that's the explanation, but where is it coming from? In whose interests is it to instill in women the idea that their power comes from looking sexy? Because real power in this world comes from money and influence and being taken seriously. Are women in see-through dresses being taken seriously? Is it only the judgement of other women keeping them from being powerful? Internalised misogyny is certainly a real issue, but I think the key to this is more about patriarchal beauty standards keeping women in their place - decorative, ornamental, frequently uncomfortable.

I really don't judge women for wearing transparent dresses. But I don't believe it gives them any power. In a world where women did wield power, it wouldn't only be women doing it. Men are allowed to be comfortable, warm and unrestricted - while women teeter in sky high heels, bandage tight clothes, bodies exposed. I'm not saying it can't feel great and that women can't enjoy it or feel sexy like that but that's not empowering. Maybe a celebrity on the red carpet can garner some leverage in terms of press coverage and profile by wearing that kind of outfit - but I don't think it would work in terms of social cachet for a mum attending a school ball.

Then, assuming you don't give a shit, why ask a forum of (mainly) other women? Other than to wind them up and watch them go, that is.

I still hold that this is a windup. If not, as I said before, wear it or don't. I doubt anyone will care nearly as much as you.

And, by the way, the celebrity who gets headlines and coverage for wearing an exposing outfit isn't gaining power in a real sense, I don't believe. Men in Hollywood are still earning a lot more than women and are occupying the positions of influence. We can pretend other women are the enemy, but we can see who's winning and it's not any of us!

Don't particularly like the dress...BUT... hell would freeze over before any man EVER told me what I could/couldn't wear.

In fact, I'd say if your DH does have an issue, it's likely because he knows you'll look great in it! 🤷‍♀️

Bullshit.

If I went to a school ball wearing an attention seeking, Spanx and pobbled net curtain outfit (because I have the figure for it) parents would laugh and talk about it. This would get back to their children who would then take the piss out of my children.

We all know our kids behaviour reflects on us as parents. Well, wake up, our behaviour reflects on our kids too.

It's smoke and mirrors that sort of empowerment though. Because provided a women is even reasonably conventionally attractive, if she shows enough of her body, men are going to stare at her and see her in a sexual light. They'll turn their heads, make it obvious from their expression they 'want her' (for sex).Tbh half the time women don't even need to show their bodies for that dubious honour. If that's what you want, then fair play to you. There's no denying it can be fun to feel attractive.
But it's not empowerment. Because by its definition, that comes from something that gives you power. Random men at a school do fleetingly thinking they wouldnt say no because they can see your body through your dress doesn't give a woman power. Blimey, if it were that easy, we'd rule the world by now.
Neither does deciding you don't care what women think of you while remaining preoccupied with what men think.

Oh give over! It’s not empowerment, it’s not wanting to follow pretty basic societal rules of how we present ourselves in social situations. You don’t wear a cocktail dress to coffee, you don’t wear a tracksuit to a black tie event, you don’t wear a full length white dress to a wedding etc, etc, etc.

”Sexy” is appropriate when you know the other people you are socialising with will also be dressed in a similar way. It is not appropriate for a school ball.

And while we’re at it, what’s empowering in being thought of as sexy? You want to be valued for your physical appearance that fits into a stereotype of female beauty? Having the figure to look amazing in a dress like that comes down mainly to genes with a bit of added luck. That’s not empowering, that’s serendipity.

I’m still having a giggle at “ I call it Princess of Wales style.” 🙊

I think this is the bottom line.

I believe feeling empowered comes to dressing the way you want without giving a hoot what others think ( Bjork dressed like a swam with a giant egg as fancy handbag for the Hollywood Oscars comes to mind). Dressing up with a very sexualised outfit for the male gaze is not my idea of “not giving a hoot”, it looks a bit desperate TBH. On the other hand female celebrities want those flashes going pop pop when they walk the red carpet and the hyper sexualise image will always get the headlines . It’s such a pity that to this day women need to resort to hyper sexualised themselves to be noticed. Sad.

I think you should wear something transparent then if you feel like you want to. But I think most people on here are trying to save you from being embarrassed. Just try and imagine if your DH wore something you hated? It doesn’t matter what us random strangers online think it only matters what you and your husband feel. He’s not exactly telling you to cover head to toe! He’s telling you what 99% of us are thinking that it’s tacky. But at the end of the day you decide what to wear. Hope you have a lovely time whatever you decide to do. Also bear in mind if there are flash photography and HD cameras it will look more transparent. The undergarment may also appear more transparent too if there’s flash cameras. Good luck x

If you're looking for glamour, I wouldn't suggest a transparent dress. That's about as far removed from glamour as you can get imo.

This!!!

I don’t think most people are judging. They are giving their honest opinions on that dress, which many of us don’t think is very nice - never mind the translucence.

in The pic you posted it looks as though the dress is wearing Rani rather than the other way round

@DontShow
So many things to unpack in what you have said.
Firstly everyone judges everyone else - men & women - it's whether people choose to apply their prejudices to a person before they've got to know them.

So the impression you want to radiate at this school parents party is 'sexy' - that's great. I think there are far better ways to dress than wearing something transparent.
I am assuming most parents will be in their 40s/50s. Genuinely, do you think most people in this cohort will think a person wearing a transparent dress is sexy?

I think you are equating a red carpet click bait dress with something you could wear at a normal black tie event which is ridiculous - unless this event is the UK version of the Met Ball, in which case AR's dress is fine

Whatever the rights and wrongs of wanting to look sexy for the men and whether that is or isn't empowering, the transparent dress won't actually achieve that aim anyway.

It's too far out of the comfort zone of your average Joe to look at at the school do and think 'sexy'. The shock of something so far away from what theyre used to will evoke more ridicule than lust, the colour and fit suggest more bridesmaid than vamp, and the beige under thing looks like my granny's panty girdle. The woman in the dress is beautiful and your H no doubt fancies her anyway, so is reacting to her, not the garment.

If you're set on 'empowering' yourself by making the creepy dads go slack jawed and slobbery for a moment, then you'd be better off going for something that reads 'sexy' in the mainstream, a Jessica Rabbit (but with less cleavage) is always a winner.