Recurring argument

[Honeymonster2]

Im separated from my partner but were still working through our issues. He's an alcoholic that can't give it up yet, although he says he's trying his best and wants to.

He says I can't blame all of our problems on his drinking. He tells me he's really lonely and never feels heard.

Now, to our current issue, I spent a large sum of money for myself (£2,500) 2 years ago and I feel like he brings it up a lot. We both put money towards it. He wants to save around £5,000 for something he's wanted for years, he talks about it almost every day and mentions it in every argument, how I don't help him save the way I do for the things I want for myself or for the children.

We've been on a big holiday and moved house which cost a lot to renovate In the last few years. All of which I researched, booked and organised paying for, he gives a lot financially towards these things. All the while saying he's still not got what he wants.

My argument is that if he wants something he should organise the saving, tell me what's going in and when the goal will be, like I do with my projects, I also say he could have been saving along side everything all along and the money he spent on vodka could of very much helped (got to be around £100 a week on a tough week spent on drink). He says I don't care about him. I say he doesn't need me to hold his hand to get what he wants and if I saw any effort going in I would feel a lot happier helping financially as well.

He also says that if it's something the children want or need it would be done. Like birthdays, they each get nice presents because i strive to make them feel seen and special and I make an effort with decorations and cakes, which he has always hated. He says I should put as much effort in to him and getting him the thing he wants to buy.

He's saved nothing so far.

I know I sound quite cold, but its been years of him saying I'm not giving him as much as everyone else, while I feel like he's not doing much to help himself so why should I? I don't know, I sound nasty reading it all back!

I'm afraid I don't have any patience with people who won't do anything to help themselves either OP.

However, could you suggest that he sets up something like a 'Regular Saver' account. For example I do one with First Direct bank, you choose how much you want to save each month and once it's set up, the money is automatically taken from your bank account and put into the saving account. At the end of a year, the interest is then added on, and the money transferred to a normal savings account. He just needs to make up his mind how much he wants to save, and set up an account, it's really not that difficult, as I'm sure you're aware, and if he's not prepared to even put in that small amount of effort, I'm afraid I'd be telling him that I don't want to hear about it, if he's not prepared to sort himself out, after all, he's a grown man, not a child.

With regard to the drink, in what way is he 'trying his best' to give it up? Does he go to AA,, or does he expect you to do that for him as well? Quite honestly, from what you've said, I'd stay separate, and let him wallow in his self induced misery, but that's just me.

Thank you for your post, he has a savings pot with a bank with around £700 in it that his mum is in charge of that family have put birthday and Xmas money in to towards it... I don't THINK it's been taken from or added to, but obviously I'm not in charge of that one.

I think it's all been made worse as he feels like I don't help him but I'm currently spending a large sum of money clearing the rubbish left by previous tenants and getting fresh grass laid for our children to play outside (we've been here since last summer and only now doing it and the children have never been allowed out there as it was dangerous) he says why can you find the money for that and not to help me, my answer? Because I promised the children months ago and they deserve to play outside. But he sees it as he's bottom of the list again and I should put as much money and effort in to his wants as I do the house and kids.

Oh and also, no AA, he doesn't like the group situation. He's attempting cold turkey and not doing well by the looks of it. It's tricky as I can't handle him in the house any more, but it's a different kind of tough that now I can't monitor him and what he's drinking anymore. I sound awful!

And where do you come on HIS list of priorities?

Sounds like what he actually wants is for you to just give him the money he needs for whatever it is.

You're not his mummy fgs. He's purportedly an adult. He can save up his own pennies if he wants a treat.
Bloody Hell! 🙄

If he is drinking £100 of vodka a week, you won't have a problem much longer, he will be dead. My late dp went from looking fully healthy to waking up looking 9 months pregnant with ascites one morning from cirrhosis to dead in 4 months. Look after yourself & dc, you didn't cause it, it is not your fault. Alcoholics blame everyone but themselves, they lie, cheat & steal. Don't give him money, make sure he can't get hold of passwords, bank cards etc, check your credit report in case he obtains credit in your or joint names.

£100 a week...? Might be dangerous for him to stop cold turkey, how much has he reduced it by?

So if you are separated do you think it is over for good?

It sounds like you both worked together on the £2.5k on your purchase, so perhaps you could talk about the £5k and goals, although there are other financial priorities at present.

I'm completely unsure, I know he's not stopped though so it won't be fully cold turkey.

I'm more than willing to save together for his money (or I definitely was when we were living together at least) but he never shows any initiative to get things sorted for himself, last time it was a big argument, he saw me searching for the thing he wants online so I could get a guide price and more information and he told me to stop because 'why do I care all of a sudden' it's like I couldn't win unless I just magicked up the lump sum. He sees that I can save very hard when it comes to things for the house or the children and gets upset it's not the same on his turn.

I've asked him so many times to go to the doctors to seek help for depression which is a big factor for drinking and the only time he's come close to doing that he said I need to organise his appointment if I want him to go. I left it a few days and checked if that's actually what he wanted me to do because I didn't want to be seen as meddling and he said not to do it. He does have weeks where he'll drink a lot less, maybe a small bottle or two but now he's out of the house, I have no way of knowing.

He sounds like a man child.

What a drain.

Of course you're sorting the garden out. You're they're mum, it's your home. My question is why didn't he sort it?

He's not a child, if he wants something, he needs to plan it and make it happen.

he is whinging that you spent £2.5k 2 years ago?
in two years he's spent around £5k on alcohol - for himself
twice your spending and coincidentally the amount he'd like to have as savings.

Sorry this is your EX? Stop doing everything for him. Why on earth would you be saving for things for him?

Please say you don't still live together? Disconnect your finances, dont engage in the conversation.

Thankfully see your update you don't live together.

Don't make his bloody doctors appointments. He's a full grown man and actually seems to be using his alcoholism as a means to control you. How old are the kids? Are they seeing him unsupervised?

Oh I didn't realise you weren't living together now. Would it be feasible to ask him for a month's space whilst you sort out the new living environment for the children?

You can't really help him with alcohol, it's something he needs to do himself

Alcoholics blame everyone except themselves.
Self pity is their super power.

My dgd was an alcoholic, died when I was 2. However the lasting effects on my dm’s childhood meant my childhood was also affected.
No sympathy from me for alcoholics.

Thank you for asking that. I'd thought it said ex and was thinking tell the fucker to jog on. You get your kids stuff because you're their mom, you're not his mom and not even his wife anymore. He's a cheeky fucker!

We're separated, so not fully an ex, he did some messed up stuff in Jan and he was asked to leave, but came back too quickly, and then stayed out all night without word and missing the start of work in April, so again asked to leave (which although it sounds it, I'm not in the habit of asking him to leave, because I don't want to confuse the children) and he's been at his mums since April.

He keeps saying how alone he is and he has no one helping him with the drinking, so I asked specifically, what can I do to help, not just be there, listen etc, what can I physically do and he had no answer. Everytime I say something to do with the drinking and how it's messed us up, he says we have other issues it's not just the drinking and brings up the money again and says he's not heard.

This is my logic too... when he said he was stopping drinking in January I said now you can save everything spare you have because you're not in the corner shop every night and I'll match as much as I can and it'll be done in a few months. Nothing happened because I didn't take the lead and I carried on doing things for the house renovation.

You don’t sound awful at all!! You sound very capable and sensible and you’re putting your children first. Has he always been an emotional blackmailer?

I promised the children months ago it would get sorted for the summer holidays, last year was a wash out because I had a baby late July and we moved house mid August and then the garden we inherited was in such a bad state left by the previous people and had no way of sorting it after a c section and a newborn so the children were in doors for almost the whole summer holidays. This year I have booked days out and planned summer clubs (which again is spending a lot of money I don't believe he's too happy with) and finally getting some grass and play equipment for the kids to be outside, hopefully easing my guilt over last year haha

OP, I’ve been married for 30 years and my DH has never behaved like this. Never. The level of pathetic self pity he is displaying is appalling. He needs to grow up. The DC are your priority - a safe home and garden for them. He should be striving for that too. If he wants something for himself he should save for it from whatever you have decided is your individual spending money. Sounds like he’s spent his on drink.

I would have no patience with this whatsoever. He needs to sort himself out, and, quite frankly, grow up. A firm ultimatum is what he needs, not pandering to.

Does he not have friends/family he can talk to?

Sounds like it's going around in circles and he's emotionally blackmailing you.

I think you need to tell him you'll talk about money/alcohol in the future but right now your focus is on where the children live. I wish I had your energy!

Honestly going through all these things while writing the thread, I think he feels pushed out because he says I'm his number 1 priority but the children are mine and always have been, so he says for him it's me, the kids, himself. And for me it's the kids, me and then him and that hurts his feelings.

Well done for throwing him out.
I suggest you finalise the split.

Does he bring anything to the relationship?

Well, I guess he can tell himself this fairytale but you aren’t buying it are you?!