Recurring argument

[Honeymonster2]

Im separated from my partner but were still working through our issues. He's an alcoholic that can't give it up yet, although he says he's trying his best and wants to.

He says I can't blame all of our problems on his drinking. He tells me he's really lonely and never feels heard.

Now, to our current issue, I spent a large sum of money for myself (£2,500) 2 years ago and I feel like he brings it up a lot. We both put money towards it. He wants to save around £5,000 for something he's wanted for years, he talks about it almost every day and mentions it in every argument, how I don't help him save the way I do for the things I want for myself or for the children.

We've been on a big holiday and moved house which cost a lot to renovate In the last few years. All of which I researched, booked and organised paying for, he gives a lot financially towards these things. All the while saying he's still not got what he wants.

My argument is that if he wants something he should organise the saving, tell me what's going in and when the goal will be, like I do with my projects, I also say he could have been saving along side everything all along and the money he spent on vodka could of very much helped (got to be around £100 a week on a tough week spent on drink). He says I don't care about him. I say he doesn't need me to hold his hand to get what he wants and if I saw any effort going in I would feel a lot happier helping financially as well.

He also says that if it's something the children want or need it would be done. Like birthdays, they each get nice presents because i strive to make them feel seen and special and I make an effort with decorations and cakes, which he has always hated. He says I should put as much effort in to him and getting him the thing he wants to buy.

He's saved nothing so far.

I know I sound quite cold, but its been years of him saying I'm not giving him as much as everyone else, while I feel like he's not doing much to help himself so why should I? I don't know, I sound nasty reading it all back!

The best thing you can do is not to take him back or pander to his moaning. Like a pp poster said, if he carries on like this he'll be dead within a year or so.

Oh come on. Alcoholic who wants to be given 5k
( ! ) to buy a car and drive under the influence, a drug and sex worker user? What a fucking prize.

Well the situation you have is really unstable and confusing for the kids.

You have them in sort of a halfway are they-arent they. Their dads an alcoholic. You need to providing them with even more stability and security than children who don't have that in their lives, not less.

They need a stable home with you, where their alcoholic father doesn't impact their lives. And short supervised visits with their dad if they want to.

The first thing to realise is that he won’t stop drinking- he doesn’t want to really and he will go back to it. Sounds harsh but I spent years supporting my ex and feeling responsible for him. I made appointments for him, hid the drink (at his request), praised the non drinking periods, cleaned up after him when he was pissed, covered for him at work and with the kids and he still blamed me for not helping enough.
You deserve a far better life, for you and the kids. After we split my ex had a stroke at 40, lost his career and ended up homeless. He had to move in with family and now spends his days living on benefits and drinking his life away. I wish him the best with that life and thank my lucky stars that our 2 beautiful children and I have a brilliant life together without. No waiting for the next disaster; him wetting the bed, losing his licence, going missing for days, hurting himself etc. Years wasted listening for his key in the door and dreading the next row. Take some time completely away from him, go no contact and see how much better you feel and function.

I said last night after he was telling me everything over facetime that he should stop giving me maintenance money and to save it instead... feel a bit stupid now 🙃 I just want to help make him happy

If he is am alcoholic then the drink is his number one priority

While you have 4 young children.

He'disgusting.

Formalise your separation.

Make sure he pays maintenance.

Right, that should have been it, OP. He is a complete disgrace.

Get your DC away from him.

I just want to help make him happy

You can't. You really, really can't. Happiness comes from within and the only outsider who can help with that are professional therapist type people. In his case those who are well versed in alcohol addiction.

You are slowly helping him to kill himself by constantly putting his (false) needs first. You are most definitely helping him become a probable murderer by letting him use your car. Just stop. He is manipulating and emotionally abusing you and your children and you need to start protecting yourself and them. Oh... and make sure he pays the maintenance - that money is for the children's food and electric and a roof over their heads, not for a car. For them. Not you, not him, not the off licence. The children.

This, 100%.

Please don’t waste any more of your life trying to make him happy .
You and your children deserve so much more .

Do you spent £2500 a few years ago. How much has he wasted on that time in drips and drama on alcohol? I'd bet more than what he berates you for.

He's blaming you for his addiction. He's trying to guilt trip you into giving him money BC he spent all of his own on booze. He will get sick if he's drinking that much. Can you explain he will die from liver disease, how selfish he's being to not care if he lives or dies. I think you should tell him he must seek help for the drinking and at least stop drinking vodka. If he refuses to do anything I think you should consider kicking him out, for all your sakes.

Sorry on iPhone and can't edit. That should have read "so" not do.

OP I feel for you so much.

You can’t make him happy, he is an addict. You can’t help him, the thing he wants won’t help him and all you’re going to do is deplete yourself further and further the more you try.

Put yourself and your children first, you have the rest of your life ahead of you.

What I was initially going to write is that he is a manchild who want you to mother him - make his Dr appointment, organise his savings. Why does his mum hold his bank account.

However, from what you have said sonsie he is waaaaaay worse than that. It sounds like he needs medical help and therapy (organised by him).

PS he has made it very clear that his priorities are (1) drink (2) drugs and prostitutes (3) a car. You and the kids seem to be way down the list, so he is kidding himself there.

It's all about him isn't it.

Why can't you save for him
Why can't you bake a cake for him
Why can you make his hobbies happen
Why why why

Sounds like he's not grown up and become an adult and is still expecting other people or you, to do it all for him. My bet is he's too pissed to think straight and can't get his act together long enough to make a plan and stick to it.

It's not your responsibility to save up for him, he's an adult and perfectly capable (or should be), to do this himself.

Let me ask, what does he do for YOU? Does he make a fuss on your birthday, does he help you achieve your goals, does he make a fuss of the dc on their birthdays without you pushing him?

he says I'm his number 1 priority

But he then doesn't follow through on this at all. Doing drugs in the house. Pah. Bin him off and get cms enforced

I just want to help make him happy

That is your mistake, right there. Give up on this impossibility, though I suspect you wanted to make the man you thought he was happy

Pp was right about you being enmeshed OP, sorry.

You'll only truly prioritise your children when you separate properly.

Alcholics do this. They create these "poor me" situations that make them feel they have the "right" to drink.

He has an illness that only he can decide to get help for.

He'll bring you and your DC down if you don't protect yourself.

That has to be your line.

He's an alcoholic, everything he's unhappy about will always be someone else's fault.

You will never be his priority whilst he's still drinking.

Nothing you do will change his drinking. He has to want to change it for himself.

There is nothing you can discuss in a meaningful way whilst he is in active addiction.

Stop indulging his alcoholic blame game and claim your life back.

You need to stop. He's conditioned you to put his needs well above your own. It's fairly typical in relationships where one person is an addict - you are codependent. You need to accept that this relationship has to end and you have to put some boundaries in place. You're going to ruin your life if you continue to focus on this man.

Oh @Honeymonster2

Dont do that!

the very least he can do is pay child maintenance, the very least.

you are a good & clearly can be a good partner, you're not selfish. So what if you put the kids first, that's what good parents do.

sorry, but you must be able to see his claims of putting you first are bullshit. He puts himself first.

he shouldn't be anywhere near a car until he is permanently sober.

him being an alcoholic might not be the only problem, but it's the main one, causing most if not all of the others.

for the children's sake and yours (& possibly even his) you need to make this split 'proper' (not just him staying at his mums for a bit), but the END of the relationship.

he pays CM & you get on with raising the 4 children & giving them stability in a nice home.

stop enabling this petulant, self absorbed man-child to bring you down & make your kids lives less than they could be.

you can't be his saviour (HE needs to do that), but you CAN stop the impact he's having in your children & you!!

It would be more logical to trade your car in for one with enough seats for you all, going anywhere in two cars is a nightmare, not to mention the cost of fuel, tax, insurance and maintenance.

Why couldn't he clear the rubbish and plant a lawn from seed? That would have saved a lot of money that you could have used towards a bigger (or second) car.

But regardless drugs and prostitutes would be the end for me. How is that putting you first? Has he explained what benefit that episode had for you? Or how him drinking himself to death is beneficial to you or the children?

He’s really done a number on you that you actually think you might be being unreasonable.
He’s an alcoholic.
He does drugs in your house, while your children are there.
He messages prostitutes.
He begrudges you spending money on your children having a safe space to play.
He’d rather you spend money on him than on activities to enhance your children’s lives.

And this is all your fault because you don’t prioritise him? I wouldn’t prioritise the pathetic man child either.

You are not his number one priority, he is. He’s doing virtually nothing to solve his own problems, and is complaining about you prioritising the children, which you should. You need a partner, which he is not, not another dependent. He already has a mother

Well obviously you are totally right to prioritise your children and giving them a safe place to play, rather than helping the alcoholic you're (wisely) separated from to buy a car which he may not be safe to drive and, by helping fund that, freeing up more of his money to spend on vodka! You can't 'help him with his drinking'. Only he can do that, and he's not going to do it unless he's hit rock bottom and realises he has no choice. And that won't happen if you're there propping him up.