Recurring argument

[Honeymonster2]

Im separated from my partner but were still working through our issues. He's an alcoholic that can't give it up yet, although he says he's trying his best and wants to.

He says I can't blame all of our problems on his drinking. He tells me he's really lonely and never feels heard.

Now, to our current issue, I spent a large sum of money for myself (£2,500) 2 years ago and I feel like he brings it up a lot. We both put money towards it. He wants to save around £5,000 for something he's wanted for years, he talks about it almost every day and mentions it in every argument, how I don't help him save the way I do for the things I want for myself or for the children.

We've been on a big holiday and moved house which cost a lot to renovate In the last few years. All of which I researched, booked and organised paying for, he gives a lot financially towards these things. All the while saying he's still not got what he wants.

My argument is that if he wants something he should organise the saving, tell me what's going in and when the goal will be, like I do with my projects, I also say he could have been saving along side everything all along and the money he spent on vodka could of very much helped (got to be around £100 a week on a tough week spent on drink). He says I don't care about him. I say he doesn't need me to hold his hand to get what he wants and if I saw any effort going in I would feel a lot happier helping financially as well.

He also says that if it's something the children want or need it would be done. Like birthdays, they each get nice presents because i strive to make them feel seen and special and I make an effort with decorations and cakes, which he has always hated. He says I should put as much effort in to him and getting him the thing he wants to buy.

He's saved nothing so far.

I know I sound quite cold, but its been years of him saying I'm not giving him as much as everyone else, while I feel like he's not doing much to help himself so why should I? I don't know, I sound nasty reading it all back!

The things he is saying just seems like some of the classic addict lines. So it’s part of his addiction, and you’re ‘enmeshed’ too.

It sounds like you are only early into separation and that you are hoping it’ll be OK, which seems unlikely.

It’d be better for you and your DC to progress the separation, to stop engaging with him about potential reconciliation, past arguments, possible joint projects, and seek help for yourself.

PS you are not awful - you are doing exactly what you should be doing, putting your DC first. If he spent a few days with me he’d learn just how lucky he was with you because I’d give him hell.

I’d also want to know what his DM ‘s attitude is towards his behaviour because if my DS24 behaved like this I’d be on his case pretty quickly.

In what ways does he demonstrate that you are his number 1 priority?

Can you list them.

It might help to say the thing he is saving for is a car as he's always wanted one, we have one, or I have one on finance (which I hate lol) but he wants one for himself. He had ours full time before the separation so he wasn't without or anything, i had to borrow it if i needed to take the children somewhere, but it's always been a big want of his to have his own. We also can't all go out together as we can't all fit in one car anymore, so I've made it seem like a selfish purchase but really it would be beneficial for us all kind of.

Actually he sounds awful!

If you reread your posts the theme is him making everyone else responsible for him not having what he wants.
His petulant ”You’d do it for the kids” shows you exactly what he wants- for you to provide for him as if he is your child, to be a botttomless well for his emotions.

His utter inability to take any responsibility is the key problem/character trait. Can you consistently push the responsibility back on him- especially as you are separated.

It sounds to me like for him it's himself, then himself then you and the kids. He sounds like he is manipulating you through your guilt. I would distance myself. This can't be good for the kids or for you. I don't think the question is about saving the money for him, I think it is about whether you want to ever have him back.

What the hell... literally why are you bothering with this 'man'?

He's an addict, he's full of self-pity and blames you because he can't get his act together.

You're separated, so he shouldn't be your problem. He is never going to change. Please do not inflict him on your kids.

About the car - my heart bleeds for him … Ive only had my own car since I was 50. That’s right, 50. I now have a ford fiesta. DH has always had the main car and I used it when I needed to at weekends but he had it at work when DS1 was young - so if I needed to travel on my days off in the week I used the bus or walked.

So no, I’m still not moved!!! If he wants his own car, he needs to get saving and stop drinking. And if he’s drinking at that level he probably shouldn’t be driving .

Erm, he helps financially when I want to do something... I seem like such a gold digger honestly I'm not, we've not got lots of gold to dig haha other than that I'm not sure, but I couldn't massively list the things I do to prioritise him either because the children are my priority always, there's 4 of them under 7, one is neurodivergent diagnosed, two others I have a feeling on as well so it's a lot some days and I don't have much left for anyone or anything else.

There's so much to unpack with this whole situation but I would not be helping a raging alcoholic buy a car to drive me and my children around in. If he drinks £100 of vodka per week, when is he ever genuinely sober?

He's not trying to get sober, he's just blaming everyone else for his problems and expecting you to fix them. He resents you buying birthday presents for your (his!) children ffs - that's not reasonable behaviour.

I know it isn't easy but I would make the separation permanent.

@Maray1967 yes you can still be way over the limit the next day. Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

Yes, this needs to end now. He isn’t grown up enough to be a responsible parent and husband. Quite frankly, giving him a car when he’s drinking like this is putting him and others - and your DC? in massive danger.

This is the drink talking - it makes alcoholic whiny and self pitying. Keep your DC away from it/him.

I can’t believe you’re even questioning yourself, honestly!

It seems he knows which buttons to press, and you appear to respond - out of habit maybe? It’s very exploitative of him.

Your children are lucky to have you,

His whole attitude stinks. You are not his mother.

I think you know deep down that he isn’t going to stop drinking, especially when he is incapable of taking responsibility for his behaviour.

Jesus Christ, stop enabling him.

Quite right. Your priority is your kids. They didn't choose to have an alcoholic father and you are doing a great job holding it together.
He is not being sensible, he is being a child here. "It's not fair ... you spent £xx on you/kids". He should get a grip. He has thrown so much money down the drain by being an alcoholic. He needs to man up and deal with it. He's a grown man, he can organise is savings if he wants to. But he doesn't. He wants you to be mum and do it for him.
Unfortunately alcoholics (my DF was one) need to hit rock bottom before they sort themselves out. He is currently trying out the phase my DF went through which is "everyone else needs to do stuff and then I'll be ok". This isn't true. Even if you saved all your money and bought him this thing. That doesn't fix anything. He needs to fix him. That comes first. Then you can talk about buying stuff.

It sounds like you need to fully separate your finances and your life from him

Until he sorts out the booze everything but everything is a mess. Contact Al Anon for support for you. You can't solve his addiction all you can do is point him in the direction of help. And please don't help buy him a car, he WILL drive it drunk.

Thank god you ARENT helping him with his savings and I hope you are joking about that even if it'sa sick joke. But FFS stop letting him drive your car too. An alcoholic should never be driving, ever. How would you feel if he crashed your car and killed your child or somebody else's and you didn't stop him taking the keys? Get him off your insurance immediately.

Regarding everything else I have to agree with the others. You are not his mother and your priorities should be towards your children and their surroundings not him (he should be doing the same). Get rid, and don't let him back in until he is at least 6 months sober. He needs help but he needs professional help and only he can start that process. He won't though.

His mother may benefit from Al Anon too.

Father of 4 contributes financially to his family. This really does not make you sound like a gold digger.

And of course you're life is consumed by your children. 4 under 7... how could it not be.

I'm re reading this post and wondering again how he demonstrates that his family are his priority.

What did he do in January?

Wow OP, he's really done a number on you hasn't he?

You DO NOT sound awful, or like a gold digger AT ALL. You sound like a perfectly normal mum who puts their children first, as you should!

He is putting himself first every time and has made you into a mother figure for himself, giving you the responsibility of looking after him, which is why he's so hurt by you putting the "other children" first.

Do not give him ANY money while he is still drinking. And certainly never let him drive!

My advice is to make the split permanent. He'll never change.

After reading your responses, I’m a bit baffled as to why you believe you should be helping him more.

He’s an alcoholic, to the extent it has negatively impacted his marriage and job. He contributes financially, but you manage the household and four children, including one who is ND. He resents that you treat them well and that you want them to have a garden to play in. He should have sorted that out whilst you were recovering from birth!

You’re separated because of his own actions, and he still expects you to help him save for a car. If he spends £100 a week on vodka he’s in no fit state to drive anyway!

Apart from money, which he should be paying regardless towards his four children, what does he actually bring to the table?

He’s a grown man who needs to sort himself out. You have enough on your plate.

He messaged a prostitute for text but didn't go ahead and did drugs in the living room while we were all asleep upstairs

Umm...yes split permanently