To think my midwife is being slightly ridiculous over bonding with my unborn baby?

[GotSomethinCookin]

Please be gentle as I had a loss before this pregnancy. I’m therefore finding it hard to trust that I’ll be bringing a baby home this time and don’t really dare think about her much.

My midwife has said this needs to change now. Baby’s neural pathways are being laid down and so it’s important that I start bonding so that she feels loved and secure.

AIBU to think that sounds a bit mad? How even do you make an unborn baby feel loved and secure? She’s not going to realise she’s a separate person from me until she’s at least six months old, let alone have any concept in utero of whether I love her.

Sure, I can talk to her. Yet I talk throughout the day to lots of different people. She’s not going to know I’m talking specifically to her, is she? Even if I address her as ‘Baby.’ Or is she?

I’m realising I don’t even know what it means to ‘connect with your unborn baby.’ What exactly do I have to do in practical terms to achieve that? Lie still and just focus on her? Attempt to transmit positive thoughts to her? Yet surely if she’s getting any of my thoughts she gets them all indiscriminately whether I’m intentionally focusing on her or not. Is there actually any hard evidence for any of this? Am I really in danger of damaging her now?

Sounds like nonsense. Sorry for you loss xx

Sounds like rubbish to me

YANBU, you don't need to try and psychically communicate with the unborn. I never talked to my babies in utero. I just got on with my life. I talked to other people, when I felt like singing on my own behalf I sang. DH didn't talk to them either. All of us bonded just fine after birth and they were clearly soothed by my voice.

Midwife sounds crazy. Sorry for your previous loss xx

I have never once spoken to an unborn dc. Bloody odd imo!!
You can also for a different mw.. In labour once I remember through the gas and air insisting that particular one wasn't coming back in!! And she didn't. Poor woman!

Complete batshittery. You do things your way and I’m so sorry for your loss.

Yeah, I'd be asking for another MW as yours sounds bonkers

Ignore your midwife, she is talking twaddle. Congratulations on your pregnancy - try to relax and enjoy it as best you can (easier said than done I know).

Neural pathways are constantly built throughout childhood and even adulthood. Do not worry about bonding now. I didn't talk or read to my bump, it felt ridiculous - just not my style. I didn't really connect until after the births with mine. When they're really there right in front of you it's easy to talk, sing and build that bond for real. Good luck and all best wishes for your pregnancy xx

I think it's more about you, and whether it's good for you to talk to your baby. If you don't want to, then don't.

I felt exactly like you all throughout my pregnancy, after a few previous miscarriages. I had no problems bonding with my baby once he arrived. Don’t worry- you and your baby will be fine x

Is the midwife telling you that you need to bond with the baby rather than the baby needs to bond with you?
It still sounds crackers but if she's worried that you're not yet convinced you'll bring a baby home you might be trying to support you?

Still bonkers though.

Maybe she is gently trying to get you to bond with the baby for YOU - not the baby, but she is saying that to be polite / not offend you ? (Maybe because of your previous loss you are understandably holding back) .. or she is batshit.

Sounds like total rubbish to me.

I can confirm I didn’t speak out loud to either of mine while pregnant, didn’t make a jot of difference.

I also found it very tough to bond to the idea of my second - partly because I’d had a miscarriage, partly because it was 2020 and life was just fucked up and I wasn’t sure adding another baby in was a great idea. He’s a perfectly happy little soul who is totally bonded to both me and his dad.

She sounds unhinged..ask her for the scientific evidence backing up these theories I really can't think of any. It's totally normal to feel a bit detached from your unborn baby. It's a strange time and you can feel so ill. Ask for a different midwife and don't spend another minute worrying about this ....you have enough real things to worry about. Madness

So babies can definitely hear in utero during the 3rd trimester at least, and there is evidence that they recognize and prefer their mother’s voice to other sounds and also that they can learn to recognize repeated phrases that they heard frequently in utero.

Yeah that's bonkers. I didn't particularly bond with either of mine as "babies" when I was pregnant, but bonded with them perfectly well when they were born.

Never once spoke to the bump, but obviously they heard my voice all the time, and both obviously recognised it in recovery after their births.

Please ask her to back this up with scientific evidence. It sounds like she has had very little training in supporting pregnant mothers following a loss. You are entitled to request another midwife.

No you're not in danger of damaging your baby.

I was like this with my second. Had 2 losses before her and couldn't trust that I would bring her home. I've had no trouble bonding and neither will you x

just start to play her the sort of music you will be happy to continue to listen to for the next 20 years..... clue- not Bat outa hell! which I played constantly when i was pregnant for some reason, and my baby still loved more than anything into her teens

I’m not sure there’s the science to back up the neural pathways but and I mean this very kindly now is a good time to try to lay anxieties aside and focus on the idea that you will be having a baby. Even when your baby is here there will be lots of things that you make you worry for them and that’s part of parenting.

I never spoke to either of my babies whilst pregnant, no issues bonding.

Sorry for your previous loss and congrats on this baby. Wishing you well

So sorry for your loss. I would ignore her. Your baby is being nourished by you and will be hearing your heartbeat. You don't need to do anything to make your baby feel loved at this stage. If she was worrying about you connecting with the baby after your loss that might make more sense. Is she thinking your previous loss will make it harder for you to let yourself relax and bond with the baby after it's born? It's understandable you not being able to get excited or enjoy the pregnancy this time, but once your little one is born I hope you can relax. Just be aware that grief can impact on you and if you do have any anxiety after the birth there are people who can support you. Hope all goes well for you.

Ffs

there have been thousands of women throughout history who have been in terrible situations emotionally and physically during pregnancy or whom were in circumstances where they didn’t want the foetus or were pregnant during war or from SA or had had losses and were terrified and a myriad of other reasons.

but once they had their baby everything changed and the child never knew anything but that they were loved.

pregnancy is already scary enough without a midwife scaring you even more!

itl be just fine.

She could of course be bonkers but I would gently suggest that maybe she was trying in a round about way to get you to believe you will be bringing this baby home. She may be concerned that your (perfectly understandable) fear is making you a bit too detached. Which doesn't seem to be the case from your post. Either way, don't worry yourself, your baby will know your voice well enough once she arrives. Best wishes to you and sorry for your previous loss