To think my midwife is being slightly ridiculous over bonding with my unborn baby?

[GotSomethinCookin]

Please be gentle as I had a loss before this pregnancy. I’m therefore finding it hard to trust that I’ll be bringing a baby home this time and don’t really dare think about her much.

My midwife has said this needs to change now. Baby’s neural pathways are being laid down and so it’s important that I start bonding so that she feels loved and secure.

AIBU to think that sounds a bit mad? How even do you make an unborn baby feel loved and secure? She’s not going to realise she’s a separate person from me until she’s at least six months old, let alone have any concept in utero of whether I love her.

Sure, I can talk to her. Yet I talk throughout the day to lots of different people. She’s not going to know I’m talking specifically to her, is she? Even if I address her as ‘Baby.’ Or is she?

I’m realising I don’t even know what it means to ‘connect with your unborn baby.’ What exactly do I have to do in practical terms to achieve that? Lie still and just focus on her? Attempt to transmit positive thoughts to her? Yet surely if she’s getting any of my thoughts she gets them all indiscriminately whether I’m intentionally focusing on her or not. Is there actually any hard evidence for any of this? Am I really in danger of damaging her now?

The most I spoke to dd1 was when I was about 8 months pregnant and she seemed to stretch sideways. They were mostly swear words! An unborn baby will hear your voice all the time as you talk. They will also hear your heartbeat and blood etc.

I had two losses before my youngest was born. Didn't get any of the baby clothes out of storage from my eldest until I was 35 weeks. Didn't buy anything until 36 weeks and didn't buy the car seat until 37 weeks (which arrived 3 days before he was born). I never believed I would bring him home, so I definitely didn't do any unborn baby bonding. Once home, he only ever did contact naps and was pretty much attached to me permanently until he learnt to crawl at 6 months.

He's now 5 and loves nothing more than a mummy hug, so I think we've bonded just fine.

Similar situation. I kind of was neutral to the pregnancy and not really "bonding" until I had a baby in my arms. It was seen very negatively. Once I had baby everyone was surprised because the bond was instant and strong ... ugh

Didn’t bond with either of my kids before they were born. Loved them both from the second I clapped eyes on them.

The advice is to encourage Mothers to bond with their unborn babies by speaking to them, touching/rubbing their stomachs and learning about what stage of growth the baby is at etc. The idea is to help Mother to feel connected to baby so that the bond is being formed. This is what I imagine she is trying to achieve but she’s worded it incorrectly.

She should indeed be considering your circumstances though. Sorry for your loss but congratulations on your pregnancy.

How many weeks are you ?

You may not believe you will be having a live baby until she is actually born, and even then you may not believe it until they have done their checks etc. and she is placed in your arms for the 1st time.

I’m realising I don’t even know what it means to ‘connect with your unborn baby.’ What exactly do I have to do in practical terms to achieve that?
I never had any idea about that either. I liked being pregnant, and I felt connected to my babies as soon as they were born. No issues there at all, but never felt "connected" to them before birth. Never had any interest in scan photos. I only took some of the screen when they paused and told me it was a good shot because I didn't want to be judged for my lack of interest in the grainy medical image.

Doesn't mean I wouldn't have been utterly devastated about a late-term loss. And I found my early miscarriage very upsetting at the time. But I still found the idea of bonding a bit unfathomable

When I got pregnant with dd a year after my other dd died, I found it much better for my mental health to kind of switch off. I took the vitamins and ate correctly, didn't drink, all the stuff you're supposed to do, but I don't think I bonded during pregnancy.

The minute that beautiful baby was safe and in my arms I bonded instantly, and she's 16 now and we are very close and have an amazing relationship.

Do what you need to do and don't listen to your midwife on this issue, you're not ruining anything.

I'm so sorry for your loss, its the worst kind of pain there is 💐

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I completely understand how you feel, I was saying “IF the baby arrives…” right up til delivery. Once she was here she was here and I could love her as a person, not a possibility. I’m sure you’ll be the same.

the MW will be thinking she’s helping you forestall PND, I’m not sure what they think will happen but it sounds like a load of bullocks and unnecessary stress to me. If she keeps on I’d just tell her plainly “I’ll be fine once the baby is here”. And repeat.

best of luck xxx

She is insensitive and ridiculous. Unborn babies can't tell if they're loved and wanted or if you're talking to them. Ignore her, ask her to stop, or ask for a new midwife.

Pick a song you like, sing it whenever you can to yourself. Baby will become familiar with the sound, make it just for you two. Give the bump a little rub at the same time! Bonding ✔️ and you don't have to feel like an idiot chatting to yourself!

My guess is what she really means is you are so detached she's concerned about you bonding with the baby once they are born.

How far along are you?

If neural pathways could only be built if pregnant women sat cooing at their stomachs for 9 months, the human race would have died out aeons ago.

You're fine. Healthy food, gentle exercise, reasonably calm, unstressful environment for you, sleep - these will create healthy neural pathways.

That is really sweet :)

She sounds eccentric and I would smile politely and ignore her advice.

Mad. What about women that give birth without realizing they’re pregnant? Or only find out late in in pregnancy ? They still bond with their babies. I spent my whole first pregnancy worrying that i might not love my baby. Laughable really when I remember how besotted I became as soon as I saw him.

What a lot of rubbish. I basically pretended I wasn't pregnant for my first baby, a friend had had a full term stillbirth not long before and well, it got into my head. It was the most awful thing in the world and I was terrified it would happen to me.

We didn't do anything to 'bond' before the baby was born. Didn't find out the sex, didn't buy a pram, didn't decorate a room, didn't pick a name. We literally had 8 babygrows, one pack of nappies and a carseat the day he was born.

He's nearly nine now and we adore each other, I couldn't be more bonded to him, I could wax lyrical for hours about him honestly.

Do what you want to do and feel comfortable with. I still cringe when I see gender reveal parties and baby showers but loads of people do that stuff to feel a connection with the baby. I wanted to protect myself when I was pregnant and it sounds like you do too - do it your own way and you can bond with the baby when it's here.

I'm sorry for your loss by the way, it's a terrible thing to endure.

YANBU your baby doesn't know what you're thinking but does feel your stress so she's not helping by worrying you like this.

Your baby doesn't know that you're speaking to them or anybody else, they hear your voice all the time. It's probably not good for them if you're shouting all the time or arguing. But think of what babies are born into all around the world.

The only times I talk to my baby is 1. If something is a little stressful or annoying or tiring I'll kinda pat my belly and say "you alright baby." Or 2. If he's kicking the shit out of me I'll say "all right, chill." Or "stop kicking that " or "put that elbow away."

You're growing your baby, that's literally all you can do right now. Your baby doesn't need you to make them feel loved, she is born with the assumption that she is loved and cherished, that's why she cries, becuase she assumes that her mother will give her what she needs.

Absolute rubbish. I had absolutely horrendous pregnancies and didn't bond st all with my fetuses. Infant I absolutely resented them for what pregnancy was putting me through.

Second they were born those feelings went away and I would have endured it all over again! 4 kids later they're still the best thing that has ever happened to me and its not affected our bond at all ❤️

I'm so sorry for your loss, pay no mind to the midwife xx

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I'm in the same position, had a couple of losses before this one, now about to burst any day now!!
I've been told throughout my pregnancy and in antenatal classes that we need to bond with unborn baby throughout. Babies learn their mother's voice early on, recognise music etc and it can help reduce the risk of postnatal depression.

I was the same with my second pregnancy, think it's more self-preservation on our part to protect yourself incase anything goes wrong. You're doing everything right, so sorry for your loss xx

Sounds like a load of twaddle to me. I never read to the bump or whatever it is people do. I did poke the babies occasionally and liked trying to identify which body part was sticking out though.

Wow I had zero bond with my baby in utero, I mean I cared about her but I didn't feel anything, not really. Was also going through some really hard stuff at the time and couldn't really focus on the positive side of they pregnancy at all. I felt pretty numb/indifferent, I really wanted her but there was no actual feeling inside me towards her if that makes sense.

I definitely bonded with her when she was born though! As soon as she became a real person to me, it all changed (although still took months for that really deep love to develop, so don't worry if you don't feel instantly overwhelmed with it either). She's a toddler now and I'm utterly obsessed with her, our bond couldn't be any stronger.

So yeah, ignore your midwife!

She’s speaking rubbish. I did nothing intentional to bond with my baby before birth. I helped myself make the idea of the baby more real by buying the baby items and setting up the nursery.

However, I fell straight in love the second time I held him. The first time I was absolutely exhausted and I thought he looked a bit alienish (don’t judge!). I would recommend skin to skin contact when baby is born, that’s when I had the feeling of ‘oh yes, this is mine’. I had (still have) a great bond with him despite not speaking to him as a foetus and not managing to breastfeed past day 3.

I had 2 losses before ds, I didn't allow myself to feel anything for him before he was born, to be totally honest I didn't really know if I wanted to be pregnant, I even thought about terminating because I wasn't sure if I wanted to be a mum, I'm not maternal in any way. It took me a long time to bond with him, but that was because I had a horrific birth & nearly died, plus had really bad PND & was under the mental health team for the first 6 months I had him.