To think my midwife is being slightly ridiculous over bonding with my unborn baby?

[GotSomethinCookin]

Please be gentle as I had a loss before this pregnancy. I’m therefore finding it hard to trust that I’ll be bringing a baby home this time and don’t really dare think about her much.

My midwife has said this needs to change now. Baby’s neural pathways are being laid down and so it’s important that I start bonding so that she feels loved and secure.

AIBU to think that sounds a bit mad? How even do you make an unborn baby feel loved and secure? She’s not going to realise she’s a separate person from me until she’s at least six months old, let alone have any concept in utero of whether I love her.

Sure, I can talk to her. Yet I talk throughout the day to lots of different people. She’s not going to know I’m talking specifically to her, is she? Even if I address her as ‘Baby.’ Or is she?

I’m realising I don’t even know what it means to ‘connect with your unborn baby.’ What exactly do I have to do in practical terms to achieve that? Lie still and just focus on her? Attempt to transmit positive thoughts to her? Yet surely if she’s getting any of my thoughts she gets them all indiscriminately whether I’m intentionally focusing on her or not. Is there actually any hard evidence for any of this? Am I really in danger of damaging her now?

She’s actually biologically correct

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6838998/#:~:text=Neurobiologically%20oxytocin%20directs%20the%20young,periods%20of%20development%20%5B7%5D.

But I do get where you’re coming from OP 💐

We are not just incubators. Having loving thoughts towards your baby can induce oxytocin. The baby will feel that rush of ‘safe comforting’ hormone.

Maybe your midwife has picked up on your dissonance towards baby and is worried about after birth too.

Mother of three - hated being pregnant all three times. Felt like there was an alien in my body. But try and break though that fear - you did want this baby x

Unborn babies must be able to hear your heartbeat ( and the food sloshing about in your stomach) and they do hear voices . It must be a constant noise environment for them !

I do remember saying to DD ( my DC2) "Any time you;re ready " as she was 4 days overdue , I had a toddler , a bad back and I was knackered in the heat .
Massaged my belly as she scraped her foot down , I could see her little heel under my skin.
Then , as now , she was very much an "I;ll decide" girl .

My friend didn't even know she was pregnant until 3 days before she gave birth
She went to the doctors with back pain (after I told her to stop whinging about her feet and back hurting) and they said the baby is sitting in an awkward... her "what fucking baby?!"
He's 18 now and they have a great relationship

I've been there. Please do not worry. Your baby will get everything they need from you. When you meet them, you'll have your own distinct relationship based on who they actually are rather than who you predict them to be.

When my son was a baby I used to sing Better Every Day by the Momas and Pappas to him:

"I once believed that when love came to me
It'd be filled with rockets, bells, and poetry,
But with me and you
It just started quietly and grew
And believe it or not
Now there's something groovy and good 'bout whatever we've got."

Our love grew. It continues to grow. It changes all the time. As soon as I think our relationship is tip top, what he needs from me changes and I have to learn all over again. That's having kids.

Your midwife sounds batshit. Ignore.

Your midwife is being ott and pushy
They should ask about your feelings about your unborn baby as it can be a useful tool in working out if a woman may be struggling emotionally or liable yo develop pnd.
But all women are different and feel differently about their pregnancies...
There can be some benefit on doing things like playing your baby music and talking to them when they are in the womb but don't feel bad of that's not something you feel comfortable doing.
I hated being pregnant and certainly never did any of that. I've had 3 children who I love dearly abd feel I have a good bond with despite never talking to them when they were inside me.
Your midwife is fine to suggest it but it sounds like she's being inappropriately intense about the whole thing.

It sounds bonkers but it is recommended in the baby books and was recommended to me by my MW. I didn't do it though.

My children and I bonded just fine.

And you and your babies bonded just fine

It's not acceptable to tell a women who has had multiple pregnancy losses and who is obviously anxious about her pregnancy that she needs to start talking to her not yet born child because it may damage them if she doesn't, which is basically what this mw is saying and is complete bollocks

I wonder if the midwife means it’s time to mentally connect with the reality of the baby. To start to “bond” with the baby in your own mind or something

But the mother doesn't have to speak particularly to the unborn child. They will hear voice when she speaks to others

Midwife is bloody ridiculous. I was the same in a way OP, talked to my babies but it was pretty abstract as found it quite hard to believe there was actually a baby in there - even second time 😂Bond is fine.

Sure, talk to her. But her neural pathways will not be affected by your thoughts because although inside you she cannot actually read minds.

Point taken above re oxytocin but she's still massively overstating the case imo. She may just be trying to say reduce your stress and anxiety. But that's actually bloody unhelpful.

Just ignore OP.

Rest easy. Your midwife is completely batshit 🤣

So sorry for your loss.

xx

Welcome to being a parent! This will be the first time of many times where people will make utterly ridiculous comments about what you are doing/feeling with complete conviction and no evidence to back them up. In this case you are right, it doesn't stand up to common sense.

I’m so sorry for your previous losses.

You’re right that the idea that your baby can absorb your thoughts about her/him or understand what you are saying in some way, or that your baby will develop a bond with you only if you speak to them directly while they are in the womb is batshittery.

But the idea that you might be better prepared for your baby and better able to bond if you feel positively about her/him now rather than remaining in a state of limbo until you give birth, may not be so dumb. And will probably make your pregnancy more enjoyable. I don’t think that’s the sort of thing where you can just start talking to the baby, though. You’d need to trust yourself/your body/fate/? again, which doesn’t sound easy.

You poor thing!

Midwife is talking crap. Phone community midwives and ask for a sane person, not the batshit crazy lady.

You are not alone in losing a baby. We all deal with it in our own ways as you must. Be gentle with yourself and don't let that lunatic cross your threshold.

What nonsense. Baby will be listening to your voice but has no idea whether you're talking to them or not. Unless you're a mute, baby will be picking up on your voice all the time and will find comfort in this after birth. I think the only time I ever spoke to unborn DS was to ask him to please stop booting me in the ribs. Currently BFing him and we are very well bonded :)

You should be playing whale sounds to your bump and also reading suitable books to it for 3 hours each day! Frankly, I'm shocked you didn't know this...

Your midwife is nuts, ignore her!

So you must get off your miscarriage/fear because the midwife decided it's time?

She sounds crap at support.

What did she say that in response to?

Is it possible that she has concerns about your mental health? Obviously she could just be bonkers- but it's always worth thinking whether there's more going on.

I’m with you OP. I never got all this bonding with your unborn baby. I think it’s natural to bond with the baby when it’s here so I don’t get the emphasis on things like this that seem silly. Everyone is different and if it works for them then fine but I don’t find it useful. It’s like women saying finding out the baby’s sex makes the bond stronger. Again don’t get it.

I wouldn't do as MW suggested if you're not comfortable doing so, it won't help you or ease you if you simply don't think that way, especially after loss. The experience of plenty of people on here shows that you'll make that connection with your baby upon birth and that this blooms. Can you request a different MW if you feel that your differing philosophies are going to cause a schism as things progress?

I have not been where you are but I have had some twists in life and I now don't just assume that things will go right; I stay a step removed until events are upon me. It has to be this way. How you are feeling about this and dealing with this is your personal thought and coping process and it is completely valid; you need to be able to put one foot in front of the other and keep going for sometime yet and you need to be mentally in a space that will allow you to do it. Do what you need to do to get through and don't let the midwife tell you otherwise.

She's talking nonsense. Baby will learn your voice if you are going about your life as normal and makes no difference if you speak directly to them at all.

I saw a documentary that said that they recognise songs etc that you sing or listen to while pregnant and prefer them when they come out. Very well. However what they should have said is:

"... so when you're watching friends every day during pregnancy don't skip the theme tune. That way when they're born they'll go to sleep to "I'll be there for you" and you can continue your friends watching habits happily."

When you're in the thick of it you really don't want their preferred song to be twinkle twinkle fucking star.

I’m sorry for your loss.

There are studies that connect antenatal maternal stress / depression with long term effects on children. I know because with my second child I had antenatal and postnatal depression brought on (in my view) by work stress. Fairly easy Google if you want to read them (I wouldn’t recommend it though).

Bonding (or not) with your bump is a key marker for how you’ll feel postnatally. Does it mean you’ll struggle bond or have PND, no, of course not. Does it mean you’re more likely to, yes.

But, I wouldn’t worry about it. You can’t control your emotions. Talking to your bump is weird, I found it easier once we’d picked a name.

I don’t think the midwife’s approach was helpful.

Sounds like utter crap honestly.
I had a very bad pregnancy, and suffered with hyperemesis. I really resented being pregnant because it honestly was the worst I'd ever felt in my life, I'd vomit 20+ times daily and felt nauseous 24/7 until the day I gave birth. I felt absolutely no "connection" with my DD, never spoke to her, I'd occasionally put my hand on my tummy and she would kick my hand. But no really effort to connect, I was too flipping ill.
Fast forward to 20mo and she we are obsessed with each other, I think she's the best human that's ever graced this earth, and honestly she thinks the same about me.
I'm so sorry for you loss, I would imagine it's very hard to get through and you must worry all the time over this pregnancy, which must take up all your mental capacity. I wouldn't worry about trying to make a "connection" that comes after!

Agree she sounds nutty. I’ll be honest and say I found most midwives’ advice nutty through my pregnancy and birth. I am not in the uk so might be different but where I am they all have their own ‘take’ on pregnancy and birth - a bit like yoga instructors - they all learn to teach ‘yoga’ but do it slightly differently depending on their own personal beliefs etc and I found the same with midwives and it didn’t sit well with me, made me really anxious - when it comes to medical situations in a medical setting I need factual advice! The book ‘expecting better’ is excellent if you are like me and need black and white info with no faffy in between. Because this sounds like faffy to me!! Just enjoy your pregnancy, take it easy, keep breathing. Best of luck & congratulations @GotSomethinCookin xo