To think my midwife is being slightly ridiculous over bonding with my unborn baby?

[GotSomethinCookin]

Please be gentle as I had a loss before this pregnancy. I’m therefore finding it hard to trust that I’ll be bringing a baby home this time and don’t really dare think about her much.

My midwife has said this needs to change now. Baby’s neural pathways are being laid down and so it’s important that I start bonding so that she feels loved and secure.

AIBU to think that sounds a bit mad? How even do you make an unborn baby feel loved and secure? She’s not going to realise she’s a separate person from me until she’s at least six months old, let alone have any concept in utero of whether I love her.

Sure, I can talk to her. Yet I talk throughout the day to lots of different people. She’s not going to know I’m talking specifically to her, is she? Even if I address her as ‘Baby.’ Or is she?

I’m realising I don’t even know what it means to ‘connect with your unborn baby.’ What exactly do I have to do in practical terms to achieve that? Lie still and just focus on her? Attempt to transmit positive thoughts to her? Yet surely if she’s getting any of my thoughts she gets them all indiscriminately whether I’m intentionally focusing on her or not. Is there actually any hard evidence for any of this? Am I really in danger of damaging her now?

I didn’t bond at all with mine in utero. In fact even for the first few weeks of life it felt like she wasn’t really mine and I was just looking after her for someone else.
Youll be ok. Your midwife is crazy

I felt the same when I had my daughter. Never ever believed I'd be bringing home my baby, but as soon as she was born, and she was on my chest, it all came then. Foetus' know nothing of love, even once they're out in the world, some mothers struggle initially to bond but that will have no lasting effects on the baby. As long as they're fed and warm, that is all their survival instincts will know of!

I couldn’t relax throughout my pregnancy after 2 losses. Also found the idea of reading to baby etc ridiculous. I was in love with her the second she was born. You’ll be fine x

That's bonkers, but baby (once here) will know long before 6mo.

If neural pathways could only be built if pregnant women sat cooing at their stomachs for 9 months, the human race would have died out aeons ago.

This. You don't need to do stuff to try and bond with an unborn.

The elements of bonding happening now are physical. Baby is aware of your heart beat, the rhythm of your walking/movement etc, the sound of your voice (as you go about normal life to talking to other people etc!!), the familiar noises of your home like your pets or your favourite music.

For your own health and wellbeing it will generally be good if you can work on your anxiety etc.

My youngest came after a run of miscarriages, i 100% didn't expect her to make it until i had her in my arms, she's absolutely fine & currently playing noisily with her older brother & she and i have a fantastic bond.

A midwife laying on the guilt to a pregnant mother that’s already suffered a miscarriage. Brilliaaaaaaant. 😑

the advice is to encourage Mothers to bond with their unborn babies by speaking to them, touching/rubbing their stomachs and learning about what stage of growth the baby is at etc. The idea is to help Mother to feel connected to baby so that the bond is being formed

Who's advice and what science is it based on? It sounds rather old fashioned and the sort of thing promoted in the 60s and 70s based on absolutely nothing at all.

She’s understood the concept and delivered it poorly.

Yes baby’s brain is developing currently. Oxytocin helps so you feeling loved, safe and secure will have an enormously beneficial effect. She can hear your voice. However she has no concept of whether you are talking directly to her. The important thing is that she isn’t being affected by domestic violence, loud arguments etc.

It’s important to understand how being responsive and affectionate are essential to healthy infant mental health and development. However that doesn’t mean you have to sing her a special song or read her a book every night in the womb 🙄

It sounds like nonsense to me.

I couldn't imagine having a baby at home, felt no great love for my bump. Had a difficult birth, didn't know what I'd had for 8 hours afterwards because I was asleep.
Took about a week to bond.
By week three I was completely focused on baby ds. I actually hit a stranger who tried to put his hand in the pram. He was drunk and I really wasn't happy. Not something I would normally do.

Mums/Babies bond through instinct, food and smell.

My midwife used to spout nonsense as well. Just smile, nod and ignore.

I didn’t talk to my first kids before they were born. Then I was in intensive care for a month when they were born. Then I was very ill and ‘hands off’ as a mother for the next 3 months, in and out of hospital. They are 22 now (twins). They are fine. Both grew up to be successful, rounded adults. No mother could ask for more. There is no difference in my relationship with them or my younger kid. I didn’t try and communicate with my youngest either. It just wasn’t a ‘thing’ back then.

I have only skim read this study. But from what I can see, it refers to post birth, not in pregnancy.

Oxytocin released by the mother might have an effect on the foetus but oxytocin will be released for any number of reasons - the foetus won’t be able to distinguish whether it’s been released because its mother is thinking happy thoughts about motherhood, or if she’s having a cuddle with the dog.

We need to stop telling expectant mothers they should feel any way about their pregnancy and babies. I remember being told several times in my first pregnancy that I should feel a rush of love for my baby when it’s born. Everyone does, apparently. I didn’t. With any of my kids. I love them more than life itself now, but I didn’t have any massive rush of love in the first moments after birth. So I felt like I was broken in some way and that I’d failed motherhood at the first opportunity. It affected my mental health terribly.

Regardless of previous losses it’s no good going through this pregnancy pretending she’s not there and hardly acknowledging her. Now that is bad for baby

How do you acknowledge the baby? Like others say the baby doesn’t understand if you’re talking to them or someone else. I also don’t get why it’s bad for the baby, how so? This just sounds like more guilt tripping the OP because she doesn’t deal with things like some other people do.

i was used to the idea of being told I was doing mothering all wrong by random people and society in general. Now it seems you can get it wrong before the baby has even been born.

why do midwives say things like this to stress and worry pregnant women when in reality there’s nothing you can do except worry more.

Absolute bollocks. Ignore. Said as a neuroscientist.

You're right, the midwife sounds militant and is talking nonsense.

She's probably trying to say, albeit in a really wishy washy way that its more for your benefit, so you can get used to the idea that you will bring your beautiful, healthy baby home.

Good luck OP, I hope all goes well for you

As a mental health professional, it sounds like she is saying it to help you start to bond with your DD so you feel a connection to her when she is born. She's just gone about it a bit arse about face.

I was terrified I'd lose DD1 when I was pregnant and as such didn't bond with her at all in utero. I then struggled so much with feeling like I wasn't bonding with her post partum that I developed severe anxiety and PND and ended up in Hospital.

I just think she's trying to help you realise your baby is there, safe, and encourage you to start thinking about her as a 'real thing'. If that makes sense.

My midwife asked at one of my appointments if I had been talking to the baby?
I thought eh? I didn't know how to answer, because no, I hadn't! I felt like being under a microscope.
Never spoke a word to him whilst he was in the womb, once he was born I spent 5 days in hospital and I think he spent a maximum of 2 hours in the cot, the rest bring held mainly by me because he would scream un the cot within 5 min!
Even at nearly 2 years old he still loves to cuddle with me or daddy.
So don't worry yourself, you'll bond just fine.

Sorry for your loss

Pregnancy after loss can be like holding your breath for 9 months, constantly expecting the worst to happen. It can be hard to imagine a future with your baby when you know you’ve had previous losses, you feel it’s too good to be true.

I would personally look into asking for a new midwife

My midwife knew about my previous losses and really helped me, got me in touch with therapy whilst I was in my 3rd trimester and extra midwife appointments

Hope all goes well OP xx

Op ignore the midwife. In my experience whilst there are many amazing midwives there are some bloody terrible ones out there (same with any job).

I had a late loss followed by miscarriages before I had my very loved daughter. I had the same mindset as you. Also didn't tell anyone and when it was obvious just said I didn't want to discuss it with anyone other than medical professionals. I was also very much "IF" the baby comes and quite matter of fact generally. Anyway, my daughter came at 24 weeks and so I couldn't even touch her the first week, or hold her for a month.

My daughter is nearly 3 now and we have the most amazing relationship. So yanbu and congratulations.

Sorry for your previous loss and congratulations on your pregnancy.
I chatted to my bump throughout pregnancy lol, had a nickname I still use now, used to directly address him about other people’s driving, how much I wanted some chocolate, how much I loved a TV show etc! I rubbed my tummy and told him I loved him so much. When he was born and handed to me, I literally said “good to finally see you pal!” (And burst into tears at how gorgeous he was)! It felt like his birth was a continuation of our relationship and not the start of it, and despite a long and difficult delivery he felt like someone who I already knew well and our bond is still very strong and joyful.
That said, I’m sure you don’t have to do that in order to have a good bond, it’s different strokes for different folks! I know it helped me, so just sharing my own experience with you. Best wishes.

I'd be putting in a complaint about that midwife.

A PP described pregnancy after loss as like holding your breath for 9 months and that is the most accurate description I've ever heard.

We lost our first DD late into pregnancy, my physical recovery was long and we had to undergo a lot of tests due to genetic issues, to say the pregnancy with our second was rough would be an understatement. I was convinced that i would lose her at the same point, that she would be poorly too and that the only baby I would ever bring home would be in an urn. So to protect myself I 'held my breath', I did everything I was supposed to do, took the vitamins, ate as well as I could and engaged with every appointment and test but I never really allowed myself to believe that she would arrive safe and well, until she actually did, so there was no conscious talking to the bump or whatever.

We bonded just fine, shes a proper little mummies girl at almost 8 year old, I was ok after the birth, it felt like I could finally breathe again. There were a few hiccups along the way but nothing like PND or anything, it was grief and sadness that needed to be felt and still needs to the felt from time to time.

I am so sorry for your loss OP, don't let this midwife make you feel bad for doing what you have to do to get through and don't be afraid to ask for a different one if you aren't gelling with this one.

Absolute rubbish. I was never particularly bonded with my bump, yes I was happy to be pregnant and excited to be a mother but tbh that idea was pretty separate to my massive swollen belly. I never sang, or really spoke to my belly, definitely wasn’t walking around caressing it all day. My children are fine, and very securely attached! My bond with them came afterwards, as will yours.

Another one who is quite firmly in the “Your midwife is totally batshit” camp.

At this point your happiness and well-being is paramount and that’s what she should be focusing on. Baby is absolutely fine and not going through an existential crisis.

Midwife seems to have the emotional intelligence of a tea spoon. Relax, ignore, and put yourself first for a bit.