To think my midwife is being slightly ridiculous over bonding with my unborn baby?

[GotSomethinCookin]

Please be gentle as I had a loss before this pregnancy. I’m therefore finding it hard to trust that I’ll be bringing a baby home this time and don’t really dare think about her much.

My midwife has said this needs to change now. Baby’s neural pathways are being laid down and so it’s important that I start bonding so that she feels loved and secure.

AIBU to think that sounds a bit mad? How even do you make an unborn baby feel loved and secure? She’s not going to realise she’s a separate person from me until she’s at least six months old, let alone have any concept in utero of whether I love her.

Sure, I can talk to her. Yet I talk throughout the day to lots of different people. She’s not going to know I’m talking specifically to her, is she? Even if I address her as ‘Baby.’ Or is she?

I’m realising I don’t even know what it means to ‘connect with your unborn baby.’ What exactly do I have to do in practical terms to achieve that? Lie still and just focus on her? Attempt to transmit positive thoughts to her? Yet surely if she’s getting any of my thoughts she gets them all indiscriminately whether I’m intentionally focusing on her or not. Is there actually any hard evidence for any of this? Am I really in danger of damaging her now?

Ask her how she thinks the human race managed to get to this point? When she asks what you mean, point out that you very much doubt hunter-gatherers and pretty much any society up to the late 20th century left most women time to 'bond' with their unborn babies. Ridiculous woman.

Every second of my pregnancy felt like an hour and every hour felt like a day. When you've experienced pregnancy loss, IVF, a difficult time conceiving, etc, you're not always going to behave in the way that midwives think you should. Some of them have no concept of sensitivity or how to speak to a woman experiencing this. I sent some polite feedback to Maternity Voices Partnership which was passed to the matron, after what was said at my week 8 appointment. I was put with an experienced and sensitive midwife for regular appointments. This helped my anxiety and in turn helped me feel more connected to my growing baby.

Your midewife is an insenstive idiot. If you had the energy you could complain about her, otherwise just ignore her ignorant mitherings.

I conceived unplanned after the sudden death of one of my children and was in denial through the whole pregnancy. I didn't want this baby, I wanted the child I had lost, and I was sure I could never love this baby. My mum's advice was 'babies bring their love with them'. Of course she was right - the second I gave birth I adored my new child and was fiercely protective of her. She is now a fabulous and funky adult.

Relax, let the pregnancy happen, your emotions will come with your baby x

I didn't actively bond with my DS before he was born but I played Mozart for him and told him I loved him. I very much looked forward to meeting him. But the best thing you can do for your baby is to look after yourself both mentally and physically.

I don't like the sound of your midwife. She's laying on guilt in very difficult circumstances and your baby isn't even here.

I lost one baby at 30 weeks then had a Miscarriage a year later. The next time I was pregnant I even refused to look at the screen when I had my Scans ( and I had plenty - after 20 weeks I had them every 2 fortnight). I tried not to bond as I'd wouldn't get over a third loss - not logical, I know. I never stroked my Bump, sang or talked to it. In any event as soon as she was born we bonded. Your Midwife is talking rubbish.

This. The guilt she’s putting on you is pretty abhorrent, given your previous loss.

OP your experience is why I’ve been reluctant to tell the midwife how I’m feeling in case I’m judged for being a bad mother before it even arrives but after 2 years of trying and three miscarriages the fact that this one is now hopefully going to arrive still doesn’t seem real and I have a degree of separation as a result.

I’m doing everything right in terms of diet / vitamins / exercise but I’m not cooing over my bump or talking to it or wanting to find out the sex.

I hope this doesn’t mean I’ll be awful when it arrives, I just need to see it as a real life in my arms human.

I think she is referring to this research which suggests that there MAY, indeed, be advantages to feeling bonded with your unborn child:

However, I think this needs to be balanced against the need for OP to feel supported in this pregnancy and to have support with the grief she carries for previous loss. I had 5 miscarriages before my 2nd child was born and was scared and anxious, probably until he was about 2. Fearful if anyone carried him up the stairs, scared to leave him - I would sincerely, gently encourage some counselling if you can afford it.

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/pregnancy-changes-the-brain-possibly-promoting-bonding-with-a-baby/

Because they hear their mother speaking to other people. And saying things like "love you" to partner/older children. Or even "time for dinner" or "hello this is Jen Smith in IT, how can I help you?".

Love the idea that once Jen Smith's baby is here she doesn't bother with lullabies and just says "Have you tried turning it off and on again?"

This must be new because I had it the other week and I didn't have it with my first baby 4 years ago - the midwife was really concerned that I hadn't been talking to my baby but it's not really my thing

I had a bonkers GP who told me at the 6 week check that in order to ensure proper bonding I must never put my baby down at all! Bear in mind this was my third and I was EBF and co sleeping. HCPs should not offer this kind of spurious advice.

Say "can I speak to the obstetrician or paediatrician about that please?"

She's not going to get a doctor, but it's pointing out the obvious.

A doctor would put her straight, which she is well aware of, because this is unscientific nonsense and you wouldn't be a doctor if you subscribed to such unsubstantiated claptrap. Which is why a midwife is saying it.

This. I was very ill during my first pregnancy, had 17 scans and at each one they would flag up a new issue. In the end I just shut down mentally about it all and simply didn't expect that I would bring a live baby home. I was convinced that I would have my elective cesarean ( breech position and totally stuck. Pelvis too small to deliver a breech baby's head fast enough) they would take my baby away and I would just go home as if the pregnancy had never happened. I had switched off to protect myself from future pain and when he arrived I couldn't switch back on. I had post natal depression and it took a long time to feel that he was mine and I could look forward to a future with him ( he's now 31 and fab and turned out to have no problems at all ). So whilst I agree that the way she is putting it is a bit batshittery there is sense behind it. I wish you a beautiful, happy time after your loss.

I'd report to hospital and request another midwife tbh.

I take it all back, seems some doctors are full of rubbish too.

Still, less likely to be than a midwife, and the (true) insinuation that a doctor knows far more than a midwife about it might get to her; which the petty part of me wants to point out to her.

I didn't talk to either of mine op.
How did the conversation come up op? Did you raise any concerns about not bonding, given your history your feelings are absolutely valid though, so I thought she would have been more supportive.
Congratulations on your baby.
Also please don't worry if you are still in a bit of denial when they arrive, not everyone bonds with their baby straight away, that is perfectly natural too

How pregnant are you, OP?

I had a missed miscarriage before I had DD that gave me nightmares, and I understand the disbelief that you will deliver.

Could she be sensing that you may need some mental health support to ensure that you bond with the baby when born? She is going about it the wrong way, obviously, but it could be a concern if it seems you have shut down a bit (understandably). Mothers do bond with their child pre-birth, whether they realise it or not (though maybe not how she is suggestibg!), and if she is seeing detachmentor disengagement, it can be a flag to monitor your mental health.

It was something I had an ongoing conversation with my midwife about (and I did struggle with it once she was born). She was exceptional, though, and I was her last community case before moving to a specialist MH midwife job, so she may have been more in tune with these issues and how to deal with them.

I have a great relationship with DD now, but that intervention helped.

I’m just repeating what everyone else has said. There’s a lot of cultures where they don’t “draw attention” to the pregnancy at until the baby is safely born. Even when I had my first 15 years ago plenty of woman weren’t keen on having anything in the house until the baby was coming home. Lots of women of my mums generation kept prams and cots at someone else house an there was a mad dash once they went to the hospital. That’s all designed to protect mothers. Neural pathways are important but you can do naf all until your holding the baby. Until then it’s all your body.

I'd ask to change midwives.

I've had 2 children, didn't talk to my stomach while pregnant with either of them, that would have felt ridiculous to me.

Also, I didn't buy anything until a couple of weeks before they were born.

Midwives never said anything to me about either of these. Bonded perfectly well with both my babies when they were born.

Some Midwives talk about absolute load of nonsense, they really do! Especially the ones who don't have children themselves and soak up everything from textbooks and the internet.

It’s rubbish. I had top psych monitoring through my pregnancy due to high risk of post partum psychosis. I was analysed on this and everything else you can imagine and the psych said it’s entirely normal for you to go day to day and everything to be very conceptual. Especially with a first pregnancy. It’s mind blowing that that’s your child in there so most people can’t compute and ‘bond’ until they are born. Even if they pretend they can or rewrite their memories.

What else does she suggest, different rocks, summer moonlight, chanting?

Your midwife has undermined you and has created anxiety for you unnecessarily. You were already in a highly anxious state due to previous loss. She's making you doubt yourself further. Quite frankly I think what she's said is insensitive, unprofessional and tone deaf to you feelings and she's done far more harm than good.

I don't think it's typical to be doing any of those things deliberately in other to bond before birth.

It's total nonsense.

Certainly whilst I could feel the baby the sense of them being real and being a little person was still alien and I can't say I bonded beforehand. I didn't actually want to either.

Just go about your day normally and get on with it.

Even when the baby arrives it's normal to go 'what the fuck is this? What the hell have I done? How the heck do I cope with this?' without a sense of love at first sight. I think it's normal to have a sense of going into shock over it all. Anyone who tells you different is a liar.

There is no right way to behave in pregnancy. There is no right way to behave when you have a newborn. Others will tell you different and they are feckless pricks with an attitude problem. You do what you feel works for you and you are comfortable with. You handle each situation that arises in the best way that suits you. You want this baby and you will care for this baby in your way. And that's what is important.

The quicker you learn this lesson the easier having a baby is. All those other people offering advice? Ignore it - pick and choice what works for you and forget the guilt making.

You want to do the best you possibly can. That's the purpose of you having made your OP. That's what you focus on.

Ignore the midwife as she's talking out her arse.

Different women bond at different times and at different rates because they have had different life experiences and have different personalities. This doesn't mean they won't bond.

So sorry for your loss.

Your baby can hear your voice and will know you regardless.

FWIW I felt very bonded to my baby in utero but when she arrived I struggled with PND and to me, she didn't really feel like the baby I had bonded with for so long! She's now a teen and we are very close, it did not do her damage.