School fees and inheritance. I have my hard hat

[barenakedhazy]

I have 3 children, currently all at Uni. My sister is child free by choice.

11 years ago my husband and I sat down and did the maths about school fees for secondary school. We had planned to send our children privately but the youngest two were
twins and while affording 2 would have been possible, 3 wasn't. We were disappointed as we'd planned for this school, but instead started looking into moving house.

When we told my dad this he made us an offer. He'd recently sold his house to downsize to a small flat in an over 50s block and he was cash rich. He offered to pay for the kids to go to school. He felt really strongly about them going and this mattered to him- more than it mattered to us frankly. To ensure their education wouldn't be disrupted he paid the school for 7 years up front for each child. This was just over £100k each.

He then changed his will stipulating that my sister would get the first £300k of any inheritance, with the remainder split between us. (Look - before people start pulling this apart it was a lot more complicated and involved- this is just a simplified summary). He felt confident this wouldn't be a problem as he owned a property he'd paid £250k for and had another £200k left after paying the school fees, as well as a good pension for day to day living.

Over the next 10 years things weren't brilliant. In summary- flat was a terrible investment which cost £50k in 5 years for leasehold repairs and eventually sold for less than he bought it. There were some mistaken investments. He helped out his sister with a loan and she then died and our cousins were dreadful and said without a legal loan agreement they wouldn't repay from her estate. Finally there was a fall that hospitalised him and left him wheelchair bound and needing full time care.

My dad died 7 months ago and after over 5 years in a care home there was almost nothing left for an inheritance.

My sister and I are joint executors and she is furious. She says I got over £300k and she got nothing. She wants £150k off my husband and I to make it "fair".

I understand she's upset and do see how it seems wrong. However we weren't going to go the private school route as we couldn't afford it- this was something that mattered to my Dad and which he did for his grandchildren. I said I see it as a gift to his grandchildren- she says she's being punished for being child free.

I was sympathetic but she's been so bloody horrible that I'm at the stage of just telling her to get lost and never speaking to her again. She's made Dad's death all about money and seems more upset that there's no inheritance than the fact that he's died. She visited rarely and had nothing to do with setting up the care home or managing the fees- I had POA and did all of that. Now she wants his accounts audited and I'm so angry at the implication that I mismanaged things.

Anyway. AIBU to tell her that she's not getting £150k off us? We do have the money as we are both in well paid jobs and she's always struggled to find her niche which I think makes things harder. She lives alone and doesn't have a lot saved for retirement which has been worrying her, so I think some of this is because she was relying on dad's money. However if she'd have bothered to get involved in his care she'd have seen the situation in real time.

The way I see it is that HE spent HIS money on what HE wanted. You had to agree to it of course as they are your children...I presume that insofar as your sis had any choice, she agreed to it too? Whether or not you and your partner give her some of YOUR money because of the situation she is in is a different (although related of course) issue presuming that you would see things differently if you and she were equal financially.

Having read your updates, I've an idea.

She doesn't have any dependents and nor do you NEED to give her the money.

As a compromise, see a solicitor and discuss a trust. The trust buys the house for your sister so she has protection in her retirement but the beneficiaries of the trust are your kids. So they have a house / funds to use for a deposit later.

There will be other clever ways of structuring this. I feel for your sister and a peace offering would be sensible. Would I give a lump sum knowing what you've said about your sister and having kids myself - no.

I am siding with your sister, even though none of this is actually your fault.

Your dad should have gifted her the same amount of money that he gifted you at the same time (perhaps to pay a chunk off her mortgage or something) and then had the will 50/50.
If he could afford to give you both £100k then he should have given you both £50k.

Anything could have happened and he may have needed expensive private care etc which used the money up and your sister would have got nothing.

This is your money and you can do what you want with it but I personally couldn’t not give my sister any money, knowing that your dad gave you a huge £100k and not her.
You also say you’re well off with 2 incomes, whilst she isn’t.

I think you have to be very cold hearted to not see how unfair this is to your sister.

Pay her.

That’s along the lines I was thinking but I’m not sure if trust her to take care of the house and if she was wrecking it - evictions - aaaargh!! It could get very messy. I feel like a compromise would ideally be less tying for the OP. I want as little to do with my sister who sounds similar, as possible. Becoming her landlord makes my blood go cold! But that’s my sister not the OPS of course.

I think people make unfair financial decisions and wills all the time and it's not up to the beneficiary to make it right.

My grandparents have a will that means their estate will only go to their surviving children, my aunt has died so my two cousins are effectively disinherited. If my mum died, I would be disinherited. I personally think this is a very unfair set up but it's not my money and I won't begrudge who actually ends up inheriting.

Your dad must have known there was a chance he would have no estate left. It's well known that care homes can drain everything. If he wanted to ensure your sister got a fair share he would have gifted her money at the time he did to you. That's what my dad does if he ever spends a lot on either my sister or me.

I don't think it's your job to fix the decisions he made and I hope you don't pay it.

But then, because the OP had decided against private school, they have just essentially gifted her aggressive sister their future security. I think a smaller amount is more fair. But this isn’t the OPs mess. She didn’t cause this and her sister sounds aggressive and a bully.

How do you think your DC would feel if you gave DC1 a deposit and DC3 a deposit but then before DC2 was ready to settle down and buy a property circumstances changed and you weren't able to help him at all. Would you shrug your shoulders and expect him to accept that shit happens or would you want his siblings to help him out of they could?
Your father made a massive mistake in promising your sister something that ultimately didn't exist but that isn't her fault and I can completely see why see is hurt.

You did benefit.

your children didn’t decide they wanted to go to private school. You did. That’s how you you chose to spend your inheritance. It’s gross you are making out that it didn’t benefit you at all.

This is just the saddest saddest thread. My heart breaks for the sister.

I suppose families are different but I could NEVER dissociate myself from how unfairly this has turned out and how cruel it must feel to her. Nor could I ever pretend that my Dad wouldn't be horrified beyond words and so distressed by this.

As for your DH ... he benefitted too because his kids benefitted. If he takes a 'my inheritance is mine' attitude then he's just a shameless sponger.

There are differences of opinion regarding whether the 300k school fees is considered a gift to the OP, or only to her children. Surely what matters is not how others feel about this, but how the OP’s father felt about this. He clearly considered it a gift to the OP, as he felt a need to “even it out” in the will. It was clearly intended to be a share of the OP’s own inheritance, rather than some extra payment only to her children. Presumably with true gifts to the grandchildren, e.g. birthday presents, there was no such compulsion to equally compensate the sister.

wearing my hard hat.....right or not, you father wanted his money to benefit that generation....to be spent on education. Your sis chose not to have children so he may have felt that during his life he didn't want to spend his money on her in other ways...although it seems that he did help her when she needed it.

My friend’s dad has skipped his children in his will and all of the grandchildren will inherit instead. My friend could use the money, all of her siblings are extremely wealthy and don’t need it. This is a similar situation, imo.

You don’t owe your sister anything, OP.

Can you not give her £50k or similar? Seems like a fair compromise.

You owe her nothing, regardless of what you may have in the bank.

Your father pays for his grandchildren’s private school fees for the benefit of them.

If there was any inheritance (which is never guaranteed), then your sister would get the first £300k.

There wasn’t any money left as your father paid for his own care.

You entitled sister needs to understand that any monies that she would have inherited, were spent looking after her father in the last few years of his life.

I'm astonished with some if the responses tbh.

I wonder if all the pps pushing that the 150k should be given to the sister would really, genuinely give away money they had saved for their dc's house deposits to an adult relative to make them feel better about a different adult relative's poor financial planning? I know I wouldn't.

Yes, the sister has a right to be aggreived and upset. She hasn't been treated fairly. But if you give her money intended for your own dc's future, then that's hardly doing right by your dcs.

TEAM SISTER. Your father meant you to have equal amounts. And you did benefit from the private schooling; the lack of a stressful commute, the benefit of how your children doing well will have contributed to you being able to build up those savings. She’s challenging her grief towards how left out she feels. You’ll lose your sister over this and rightly too. She’ll have felt all that favouritism over the years.

but they wouldn't have sent the kids to private school without the offer and it sounds like, at least in part, they did it to please Dad because he had his reasons for them to go to THAT school.

I think that's a little unfair on DH.

There's no way I'd give over my inheritance to a SIL I didn't really see, to repay for a school I didn't really care if my kids went to, to fix bad financial/ unfair decisions made by my FIL. I also know my parents would be furious if they knew this is what I was going to do with their money.

Buy your children their houses. Don’t give the money to your sister but in return she comes and lives with you and DH rent free in perpetuum.

Could you not give her an amount? She’s essentially been cut out, I would be completely devastated if I was her

DH feels very strongly about helping them with housing. And a lot of our savings are from his late mum.

I think this makes a huge difference. How on earth would you tell the DH that his inheritance from his late mum has to go to his sister-in-law because his father-in-law made some bad financial decisions in later life?

So all of those saying pay her would you honestly be ok with it if your partner (having insisted along with their father that your children went to private school in the first place) wanted to give up your inheritance from your mother that you and her both wanted to go towards the (grand)children housing deposits being given to a woman who has been in rehab

because I would be shocked if anyone said yes.
the dad in part did it to avoid inheritance tax as well

if you discount the inheritance OP how much in savings do you actually have?

We had planned to send our children privately but the youngest two were
twins and while affording 2 would have been possible, 3 wasn't. We were disappointed as we'd planned for this school
In retrospect it would have been better if your dad had given you half the money for the school fees and the other half to your sister. You'd planned to pay for 2 kids so would have been able to afford for 1.5 and your dad the rest.
It's really hurtful when someone is cut from a will. Especially when the person cut is on their own and less successful than the person not cut out who has a husband sharing everything and kids who may help a bit in old age. She won't even have you supporting her in old age as you're planning on cutting her off rather than making up her half that your dad wanted her to have.

It was your dad’s intention to split any inheritance equally. If you want to respect his wishes then (and you have the money) then you should pay her £150k.