School fees and inheritance. I have my hard hat

[barenakedhazy]

I have 3 children, currently all at Uni. My sister is child free by choice.

11 years ago my husband and I sat down and did the maths about school fees for secondary school. We had planned to send our children privately but the youngest two were
twins and while affording 2 would have been possible, 3 wasn't. We were disappointed as we'd planned for this school, but instead started looking into moving house.

When we told my dad this he made us an offer. He'd recently sold his house to downsize to a small flat in an over 50s block and he was cash rich. He offered to pay for the kids to go to school. He felt really strongly about them going and this mattered to him- more than it mattered to us frankly. To ensure their education wouldn't be disrupted he paid the school for 7 years up front for each child. This was just over £100k each.

He then changed his will stipulating that my sister would get the first £300k of any inheritance, with the remainder split between us. (Look - before people start pulling this apart it was a lot more complicated and involved- this is just a simplified summary). He felt confident this wouldn't be a problem as he owned a property he'd paid £250k for and had another £200k left after paying the school fees, as well as a good pension for day to day living.

Over the next 10 years things weren't brilliant. In summary- flat was a terrible investment which cost £50k in 5 years for leasehold repairs and eventually sold for less than he bought it. There were some mistaken investments. He helped out his sister with a loan and she then died and our cousins were dreadful and said without a legal loan agreement they wouldn't repay from her estate. Finally there was a fall that hospitalised him and left him wheelchair bound and needing full time care.

My dad died 7 months ago and after over 5 years in a care home there was almost nothing left for an inheritance.

My sister and I are joint executors and she is furious. She says I got over £300k and she got nothing. She wants £150k off my husband and I to make it "fair".

I understand she's upset and do see how it seems wrong. However we weren't going to go the private school route as we couldn't afford it- this was something that mattered to my Dad and which he did for his grandchildren. I said I see it as a gift to his grandchildren- she says she's being punished for being child free.

I was sympathetic but she's been so bloody horrible that I'm at the stage of just telling her to get lost and never speaking to her again. She's made Dad's death all about money and seems more upset that there's no inheritance than the fact that he's died. She visited rarely and had nothing to do with setting up the care home or managing the fees- I had POA and did all of that. Now she wants his accounts audited and I'm so angry at the implication that I mismanaged things.

Anyway. AIBU to tell her that she's not getting £150k off us? We do have the money as we are both in well paid jobs and she's always struggled to find her niche which I think makes things harder. She lives alone and doesn't have a lot saved for retirement which has been worrying her, so I think some of this is because she was relying on dad's money. However if she'd have bothered to get involved in his care she'd have seen the situation in real time.

OP, your dad made a very generous, but, as it turned out, unwise decision to pay for all 3 of your children to be privately educated. His clear intention was that the situation would be evened out on his death. I think your sister deserves something. How much depends on your own circumstances.

I do find it strange that you didn't just accept £100K at the time though. It was always possible that his investments wouldn't work out and that he would need care - it happens a lot, and you could have prevented your sister from losing out by funding the other two children as you had planned. So it is disingenuous to say that you haven't benefited, because you have - by £200K that you didn't end up spending on school fees.

Time to do the right thing and come to an arrangement with your sister.

I would give my last £10 to my sister because I'm kind and would never be sat there smugly with money whilst she was struggling. You even say you've got the money.

Why does money make some people ridiculously tight?!!! You are not a nice sister. Fact.

Any normal parent would prioritise their own children. Fact.

What about the house deposit the sister was gifted by the way?

He gave the money to your children, not you, so I can see your point.

But also, I wouldn't ever be sat on a pile of money while my sister struggled.

I don’t think you owe her anything. Your dad should have given her the same amount as he gave you at the same time but he didn’t and that’s not your fault. If he hadn’t paid for the school fees and you were just splitting it now, there’s still no guarantee she would have got anything since he might just have made more bad investments. Life lesson for your sister - never expect an inheritance.

And then HE made bad choices.

Is this in the Daily Mail yet?

@theowlwhisperer Are you the OPs husband?

I'm usually all for parting with money for the sake of family harmony. But it doesn't sound like they have much of a relationship, or that she was supportive or grateful for OP's work caring for their father.

It doesn't sound like £50k would 'fix' it or make DS feel better. She'll still feel shortchanged by £100-£250k. She'll still feel hurt by her father who isn't even here for her to be angry with. Even if OP cleared out her savings to give to her DS- DS wouldn't be grateful- she'd just see it as her due.

I'd give up on the sister and set my children up. I think most posters would do the same, regardless of what they say online.

It's too complicated for the daily mail. If it can't be summed up in a sentence, they are going to run with it

My sisters struggles because when I was working hard in my twenties she did whatever she liked. That’s not on me to fix. May be if she wasn’t a bully if want to help but I certainly don’t owe her.

@barenakedhazy
*11 years ago my husband and I sat down and did the maths about school fees for secondary school. We had planned to send our children privately but the youngest two were
twins and while affording 2 would have been possible, 3 wasn't. We were disappointed as we'd planned for this school, but instead started looking into moving house.

When we told my dad this he made us an offer*

You are contradicting yourself. “We planned to send our children privately… we were disappointed…when we told my dad…”
I know you wouldn't have sent them because you couldn't afford to send 3. But you said you could have afforded to send 2. So you had the means to pay for 2, but because of your father’s very generous offer, you were able to save the £200k that it would have cost over time to send just 2 children.

I don’t think your relationships is salvageable after this. If she doesn’t get the money, she will resent you. I don’t see that it’s your responsibility to give her any of your money because she didn’t inherit. Neither of you have inherited anything. What you have compared to her isn’t relevant. Life choices and all that.

what would happen if you did hand over the £300k and then its spent quickly and she wants more?

You have the money. You knew your dad wanted to give her money before it all went to shits. Why not just help her out in the same way that you’ve been helped out?

I guess it comes down to how hard you like your pillow. A clear conscience makes for a soft pillow. Yes ultimately I put my children first and want the best for them, but not if it meant throwing my sister under a bus. How are your children going to feel about all of this, helped at every turn by their parents on money that was not theirs to start off with?

I find it odd that people would expect OP to pay her sister from her own personal money because their father didn’t have enough left of his own for the sister to inherit from.

Circumstances are irrelevant. The father may have enabled OP to save better or have more money but ultimately it was Op and her partner working in well paid jobs that allowed them to save. The sister made different life choices and doesn’t have the same wealth. It’s not up to OP to bankroll the sister for her own life choices and her fathers bad investments.

Yes it will be hard for the sister to take but as is so often cited on MN you are not owed or entitled to an inheritance. Why in this instance is it different from every other relative looking for their share of a payout they’re not entitled to?

This.
Your father decided to invest in the education of his grandchildren - had your sister had children then presumably he would have treated them equally.

I've seen families who fought over the "inheritance" because they simply couldn't accept that the person needed to pay care home fees. The money was theirs, they'd thought about getting it all the time and were bitterly upset that the money was "wasted" on a care home.

It was your Dad's money and most of it went on his care home. That is a fact of life that your sister needs to accept.

When he had money, he spent it on his grandchildren. If your sister had children, he would have helped them too. He wanted you both to benefit but because of his health needs, it wasn't possible.

That said. I think that people sometimes equate what they are left in a will with the amount of love the person that died had for them. However irrational that might be and whatever the reasons for the gifts. Grief distorts all this and makes them even crazier about it. Which is why, whatever my DC's circumstances or prospects are now, they will all get an equal share, because none of us know what the future holds.

I can see why your sister feels this is unfair. But I don't think you have to return the entire school fees money, given to you decades ago in order to compensate her for the care fees. That is very unreasonable on your sisters behalf. The care fees burden is usually shared equally by the DC, irrespective of inheritance and she is forgetting that. So in a way, the will should have said that she'd get x amount AFTER care fees. And it should have been phrased as x amount of the value of his property sale, not a specific sum of cash.
You couldn't help that his circumstances changed and he didn't have as much money to leave as he promised and she shouldn't have counted the money as already hers ( although it is sad that he wasn't able to keep his promise). So the fact that your Dad complicated things and although well intentioned, he wasn't able to keep his promise to her, is down to him. Not you. You acted in good faith at the time and both sisters thought that your sister would be given an equal share. Its not your fault that she wasn't. It was your dads, but then he coudln't predict the future.

What people should remember about wills is that the money is not theirs until its actually in their hands, so it is pointless relying on it. Which is on your sister, although that's understandable.

Given the above. I think that perhaps you could give her a portion, as a gesture of goodwill. But I don't think its fair that you should have to pay her the entire amount of money. There is effectively no inheritance and that is not your fault. You made decisions based in good faith because your Dad told you he would sort it and he wasn't able to in the end. If you'd known you'd have to pay the entire sum back to the sister - you wouldn't have made those decisions. Its not fair on either side, but that is life.

Let's take the inheritance out of the situation for a min.... you and your husband have 150k available to comfortably give your sister.

She on the other hand is basicly on her knees no financial security for retirement etc.

If this were me I'd give her the money but not for the reasons she's stipulating. I'd let her know I don't feel she's owed this money from us, as we didn't cause the bad investments or the need for 5 years worth of care fees but she's my sister, I love her dearly and want her to have a financially secured retirement.

Please don't disown your sister. She got no children I assume both your parent have died so she will end up alone because of something she does have a right to be angry about.

She could have caused a fuss when your dad agreed to pay these fees and he may not have done it then. She didn't and thanks to that your children had the best possible education and you did save £150k that you didn't have then but do now.

What would your dad want you to do? I think I know the answer and I think you do too.

Who’s to say it was “unwise”?! It’s fine for him to prioritise education over leaving legacies to his kids, it was his money, his choice. I’d say education is wise and laudable use of his hard-earned money.

Very often elderly people intend to leave money to their children but it gets eaten up in care fees. Very common. There was never any guarantee that OP or her sister would inherit anything. You should never count on an inheritance as MNers usually falls over themselves to tell people.

I think you owe her nothing and can sleep soundly OP

I agree with this.

you CANNOT give your sister your family money which the majority is from your DH and his late mother! That’s insane.

never mind your sister being so upset - how on earth is your husband going to feel handing over money that you and him have diligently saved for house deposits for your kids!! Also if his DM thought her money he inherited was going to be spent on her grandkids you would be very very unreasonable to hand it over to your sister!

your sister is upset - I understand. However no one is owed an inheritance. Sounds like your dad spent it on his grandkids when he was alive. The rest of the money dwindled through bad luck/ bad choices of your dad, not your fault OP.

Do what is right for your kids. Ignore the haters on here who hate anyone who’s done well for themselves!

You have to live with your conscience for the rest of your life. If you really think this is fair treatment of your sister you can sleep easily and not give it another thought. Don't bother asking here.

However much you fall over yourself she was never going to educate her 3 children privately. DH wasn’t that keen on the idea anyway as he had a good state education.

You have also benefitted from your children being well educated, all making it to university, presumably with better prospects for earning and likely marrying partners of a similar privileged backgrounds. That's worth a hell of a lot. Also £300k now is worth a lot less than £300k a decade or so ago. It wasn't even fair to begin with. Was there an inflationary adjustment in the will?