School fees and inheritance. I have my hard hat

[barenakedhazy]

I have 3 children, currently all at Uni. My sister is child free by choice.

11 years ago my husband and I sat down and did the maths about school fees for secondary school. We had planned to send our children privately but the youngest two were
twins and while affording 2 would have been possible, 3 wasn't. We were disappointed as we'd planned for this school, but instead started looking into moving house.

When we told my dad this he made us an offer. He'd recently sold his house to downsize to a small flat in an over 50s block and he was cash rich. He offered to pay for the kids to go to school. He felt really strongly about them going and this mattered to him- more than it mattered to us frankly. To ensure their education wouldn't be disrupted he paid the school for 7 years up front for each child. This was just over £100k each.

He then changed his will stipulating that my sister would get the first £300k of any inheritance, with the remainder split between us. (Look - before people start pulling this apart it was a lot more complicated and involved- this is just a simplified summary). He felt confident this wouldn't be a problem as he owned a property he'd paid £250k for and had another £200k left after paying the school fees, as well as a good pension for day to day living.

Over the next 10 years things weren't brilliant. In summary- flat was a terrible investment which cost £50k in 5 years for leasehold repairs and eventually sold for less than he bought it. There were some mistaken investments. He helped out his sister with a loan and she then died and our cousins were dreadful and said without a legal loan agreement they wouldn't repay from her estate. Finally there was a fall that hospitalised him and left him wheelchair bound and needing full time care.

My dad died 7 months ago and after over 5 years in a care home there was almost nothing left for an inheritance.

My sister and I are joint executors and she is furious. She says I got over £300k and she got nothing. She wants £150k off my husband and I to make it "fair".

I understand she's upset and do see how it seems wrong. However we weren't going to go the private school route as we couldn't afford it- this was something that mattered to my Dad and which he did for his grandchildren. I said I see it as a gift to his grandchildren- she says she's being punished for being child free.

I was sympathetic but she's been so bloody horrible that I'm at the stage of just telling her to get lost and never speaking to her again. She's made Dad's death all about money and seems more upset that there's no inheritance than the fact that he's died. She visited rarely and had nothing to do with setting up the care home or managing the fees- I had POA and did all of that. Now she wants his accounts audited and I'm so angry at the implication that I mismanaged things.

Anyway. AIBU to tell her that she's not getting £150k off us? We do have the money as we are both in well paid jobs and she's always struggled to find her niche which I think makes things harder. She lives alone and doesn't have a lot saved for retirement which has been worrying her, so I think some of this is because she was relying on dad's money. However if she'd have bothered to get involved in his care she'd have seen the situation in real time.

Also a lot of people are suggesting the sister didn't make an effort to see the dad. The OP says that her sister looked around care homes with her and saw her dad three times in the year before his death. She lives 350 miles away! That frequency does not seem unreasonable.

It also doesn't sound like the sister could afford to stay in a hotel overnight to see him so may have even been doing a round trip of 700 miles. In addition maybe she struggled to afford petrol to do so. On top of that it sounds like the father was overtly disappointed with the sister, so quite frankly he could have expected a lot less!

OP I don't know why you are getting a hard time. You didn't orchestrate any of this, you accepted a generous offer from your Dad and he didn't plan well with the remaining money. Not your fault nor is it your obligation to 'fix'. Your sister sounds bitter and angry.

Her lifestyles choices are not your problem and whilst it would be nice for you to offer some money (certainly not £150k) it isn't necessary.

Not really, the OP says in her first post that her dad was more fussed about her kids going to that particular school than she and her dh was. Her dad desperately wanted the grandkids to go to it, the OP had it as a “nice to have but not essential if we can’t afford it”.

You should give her some. Your Dad wouldn't have paid for your DC's education if he'd known it would have left his other daughter with nothing.

With your comments about your children’s SEN, etc., I understand your perspective a little bit better.

Is there a middle way? It sounds as though your sister might not be very good at managing £150k in cash anyway. Can you work out whether your pensions are good enough to enable you to extent your mortgage beyond 5 years and comfortably pay living expenses and some level of mortgage after retirement at whatever age you have been planning to retire at? Maybe it is possible to give your children enough support through uni and some level of house deposit help without needing the entire £150k for that?

What would your Dad want you to do?

i feel the fact DF paid for private school is clouding some people’s judgement. He was a grown-up who made decisions

I have told my parents if they have anything left just to give directly to my children as I don’t want their money. Inheritance squabbles bring out the worst in people

I'm afraid I have nothing but contempt for people who EXPECT an inheritance, regardless of the circumstances.
I frequently remind my adult DS that IF there's anything left when we die, then it's his, but never ever expect anything as it could all be spent. His current job involves an insight into care costs, so he is well aware of how quickly money can disappear.

Your DF spent his money as he saw fit whilst he was alive - for some part helping other people. Then, in order to live his final years comfortably, the rest went on his care. Sad that there was nothing left for your DSis but even sadder that she is angry about your deceased father's life choices. You owe her nothing in my book!

How in the world can you make that statement. You don't even know the man.

I agree with this. I think that you should give her something.

You said that you were going to pay for 2 kids out of your own money, so it is only fair that you give her something.

The OP says : ^When we hoped to send them privately paying ourselves we both had demanding full time jobs with big commutes which ultimately still didn't pay enough.
We had a rethink about 8 years ago and both changed jobs to be more local and less stressful.^

so the £200k didn’t go anywhere, they never earned it.

or perhaps the money was “spent” on buying less stress and more family time.

Its unfair, but cant be helped. Your sister is not your responsibility.

Frankly the amount of people that think you should just give away your families £150k is shocking - wonder if they'd feel the same if it was their money.

I think it is a dreadful situation. I personally think that you should perhaps find a way to make a meaningful financial settlement with your sister. With our this, I cannot see how you will be able to move forward. It's not your fault but your father should made provisions for a gift to your sister at the time he paid for your DC's school fees.

I think it is a dreadful situation. I personally think that you should perhaps find a way to make a meaningful financial settlement with your sister. With our this, I cannot see how you will be able to move forward. It's not your fault but your father should made provisions for a gift to your sister at the time he paid for your DC's school fees.

This. I think they need to reach a compromise of some sort.

You don't owe her anything.

Your dad chose what to do with his money while he had it. The fact none was left is not on you.

Can't believe how many grabby people there are suggesting you pay her.

If that was my sister and saw her struggling whilst you’ve got a very nice comfortable life with £150k in the bank…. Of course I’d give her at least half of it… Fgs… why wouldn’t you?! 😣

Not read whole thread but I sympathise and don’t agree you should give her £150k. It’s not your fault and you shouldn’t be giving her your life savings.

I do think a peace offering amount might be helpful though if you want to maintain a relationship, although she sounds pretty flawed so it could be money down the drain.

I feel that you didn’t benefit but it was gifted to your children. I have more children than my siblings but my parents buy for them equally. I’m not benefiting but my children are. It’s just the way the cookie crumbles. Seems if he hadn’t gifted the money all them years ago for the school then your sister would probably have less inheritance than she does now as it would be shared between you both. If she was a good sister and daughter then I’d be inclined to help her with money. However given you’re not going to see her again regardless of this situation then I wouldn’t give her any money. Your dad gave the money to the kids not you. You haven’t benefited financially and it seems like she does have some inheritance so she is the only one benefiting financially.

It's astonishing how generous people can be when it's not their own money 😂

Morally OP you know your Dad wanted your sister to benefit from his estate. He was very clear she would get the first 300k the equivalent he spent on your 3 children’s privileged education.

He expected your cousins to do the moral thing and pay back their Mothers loan. They didn’t

Like you seem to be doing they used the fact he was a kind trusting man who didn’t believe family couldn’t be trusted , to behave disgustingly.

Legally you can ignore his wishes, make up all kinds of excuses, look down on your sister to validate your behaviour of “fleecing “ her.

Personally I can understand why she was angry at the funeral .

Its up to you OP but you are 300k plus richer because of your dad and your sister has been shafted by her entire family.
I feel very sorry for her and your dad.

I can’t believe you took that much money from your dad. Absolutely disgusting. I don’t understand why you needed it either, if you could pay for two then surely he just needed to pay for the third?

However - your sister has to cop it, your dad chose what to spend his money on.

Decent people would have refused. But here we are.

Taking into account the facts in your OP, I’m of the opinion you should give her some money.

You were prepared to pay for 2 children to go private, so you have saved the additional cost of the extra twin.

I’d value a relationship with my sister over this. Besides, I’d feel so uncomfortable that my family had received so much whilst her family (ie just her!) got so little. You have so much compared to her, even without the school fees gift.

Did your sister know how much the care home cost? If she only found out shortly after losing her dad than that must have been a huge shock.

Where did your dad live between the flat and the care home? Was there another property.

Your dad obviously wanted to split his inheritance equally and discussions should have been had.

I'm saying he wanted it to be equal but even if he had left £500 000 your sister would have less because of the loss of interest.

Who made the bad investments?

How long did you have POA?

Your dad wanted things to be equal between you and your sister after giving her the £300,000 to balance off the school fees. Mathematically therefore she needs to have £300,000 then you both have a negative amount of -£150,000. You should give her the £150,000 OP.

I have a sister that sounds similar to yours. Has made lots of bad decisions and just expects to be bailed out. Whilst I have worked so hard all my life to get to the position I’m in. We are not close. She’s so aggressive I keep my distance. She is a bully.

I don’t think you should give your children’s money. You’ve saved for THEIR future and you are making sure you have money for your care needs.

But, your dad has shafted her. This isn’t your fault. You are not obliged to put it right.

But I wonder if you’d feel better if you came to a compromise. Could you buy a house with your savings and give her a cut of the rent - if she were reasonable I would say may be she could live there but she sounds unreliable - to give her a bit of extra so she can save and may be a smaller amount as a deposit once she’s ready to buy. If she has no kids then she could buy somewhere small with a 20,000 deposit may be? I don’t know enough about this to know what might be doable or work well.

I don’t think you should compromise your children’s situation for her but my anger towards my own sister might be making me biased.

its a crappy situation your dad has put you in and I’m sorry that this is happening and making the bereavement even harder.