School fees and inheritance. I have my hard hat

[barenakedhazy]

I have 3 children, currently all at Uni. My sister is child free by choice.

11 years ago my husband and I sat down and did the maths about school fees for secondary school. We had planned to send our children privately but the youngest two were
twins and while affording 2 would have been possible, 3 wasn't. We were disappointed as we'd planned for this school, but instead started looking into moving house.

When we told my dad this he made us an offer. He'd recently sold his house to downsize to a small flat in an over 50s block and he was cash rich. He offered to pay for the kids to go to school. He felt really strongly about them going and this mattered to him- more than it mattered to us frankly. To ensure their education wouldn't be disrupted he paid the school for 7 years up front for each child. This was just over £100k each.

He then changed his will stipulating that my sister would get the first £300k of any inheritance, with the remainder split between us. (Look - before people start pulling this apart it was a lot more complicated and involved- this is just a simplified summary). He felt confident this wouldn't be a problem as he owned a property he'd paid £250k for and had another £200k left after paying the school fees, as well as a good pension for day to day living.

Over the next 10 years things weren't brilliant. In summary- flat was a terrible investment which cost £50k in 5 years for leasehold repairs and eventually sold for less than he bought it. There were some mistaken investments. He helped out his sister with a loan and she then died and our cousins were dreadful and said without a legal loan agreement they wouldn't repay from her estate. Finally there was a fall that hospitalised him and left him wheelchair bound and needing full time care.

My dad died 7 months ago and after over 5 years in a care home there was almost nothing left for an inheritance.

My sister and I are joint executors and she is furious. She says I got over £300k and she got nothing. She wants £150k off my husband and I to make it "fair".

I understand she's upset and do see how it seems wrong. However we weren't going to go the private school route as we couldn't afford it- this was something that mattered to my Dad and which he did for his grandchildren. I said I see it as a gift to his grandchildren- she says she's being punished for being child free.

I was sympathetic but she's been so bloody horrible that I'm at the stage of just telling her to get lost and never speaking to her again. She's made Dad's death all about money and seems more upset that there's no inheritance than the fact that he's died. She visited rarely and had nothing to do with setting up the care home or managing the fees- I had POA and did all of that. Now she wants his accounts audited and I'm so angry at the implication that I mismanaged things.

Anyway. AIBU to tell her that she's not getting £150k off us? We do have the money as we are both in well paid jobs and she's always struggled to find her niche which I think makes things harder. She lives alone and doesn't have a lot saved for retirement which has been worrying her, so I think some of this is because she was relying on dad's money. However if she'd have bothered to get involved in his care she'd have seen the situation in real time.

The money was for your children.For whatever reason it was, your sister was not given any at the time.I imagine it was difficult for your sister to receive her inheritance early,the funds were tied up in assets and money wasn't a issue for when the time came. Unfortunately,things didn't go to plan but I don't think you should give your sister anything.You never had a penny(directly,or indirectly)given to you,so why should you have to pay a lump sum now as there is nothing left?
Your father was a grown man with his own money and rights to do as he wished.Its absurd that you now feel you have to part with your savings and husbands inheritance,to make up for something you couldn't have possibly predicted.I personally wouldn't do it.

@FourOfDiamonds My grandparents have a will that means their estate will only go to their surviving children, my aunt has died so my two cousins are effectively disinherited. If my mum died, I would be disinherited. I personally think this is a very unfair set up but it's not my money and I won't begrudge who actually ends up inheriting.

But this sort of thing can be overcome, like the OPs situation, if people are prepared to have some kind of principles. I'm just not one of those people who can shrug and say 'tough tits' in a situation like this. I think folk hide behind the 'it's what X wanted, it says so in the will' narrative. If something is patently unfair, and one has the power to make it more equitable it's a hard faced person who just walks away rubbing their hands at their good fortune, leaving someone else with nothing through no fault of their own. Don't you think?

I'm kind of thinking that you shouldn't have to pay for your Dad's mistakes. In hindsight, what should have happened was that your sister got a lump sum equivalent to the school fees at the same time (I guess that wasn't possible).

I also feel incredibly supportive of your DH's rights - he shouldn't be giving up his savings or inheritance.

If you can honestly say you couldn't do anything about your Dad's determination to send them to this school, then I think it's out of your hands. Yes, your side of the family benefitted, but you didn't ask for it. Your sister is taking her anger and worry out on you, but ultimately she fucked up because trusting on getting inheritance to cover a necessary and important life cost like pension/ care is foolish.

That all said, I'd dig my sisters out of any hole, no questions, and not be bothered by any sacrifice I'd have to make. I'm really close to them though.

Your DF clearly did not want your children to benefit at the detriment of your sister though. That is why he stipulated that she should have the first £300k of his estate.

I think you need to honour that and give your DSister what you can afford.
Do you still think the private school was worth it? Given that your DC have average qualifications?

Hate this attitude that DC and private education come first at all counts. We have had similar in our family with a relative asking to borrow from us to fund the shortfall in their DC school fees, even though our own DC went to state school.

Are you planning on helping out just one or two of your children with house deposits @barenakedhazy but not your third? Or would you want to treat your children equally?

You know that your dad’s intention was to help your sister and your family.

I’m sorry it’s worked out as it has. This is a cautionary tale to other posters but I do think you should give you sister half of the benefit your family received from your Dad so 150k

As for your DH ... he benefitted too because his kids benefitted. If he takes a 'my inheritance is mine' attitude then he's just a shameless sponger.

He really is. Accepting all that money from his FIL was appalling.

But she hasn’t been cut from the Will, the reason she’s not getting the first £300k is because he made bad investments and bought a retirement flat, which even a small amount of research would tell you is a bad investment. He didn’t give all his money to the OP for school fees, he lost the money he’d promised to the sister.

You cannot give someone a gift and then later change the terms, if the OP had known she’d be required to repay her sister she may not have accepted or she would have made different career decisions or made provision for the repayment.

And, honestly, I would have told my cousins to fuck off too. I think it’s really shitty of you to have been laughing at her at the funeral. You’re not painting yourself in glory here op.

If your father hadn't paid the school fees would there have been an inheritance now or would care home fees have taken it
This.

Also, everybody is saying to give your savings to your sister as it is what your dad would have wanted, 1) conveniently ignoring the fact that the savings also belong to your husband and his inheritance and 2) your dad could have given money to your sister at any point, he chose not to. When his money was decreasing he could have discussed making it right to your sister - he didn’t, so not sure why posters are saying you need to honour his wishes by giving your own household’s money to your sister.

I have just seen that a lot of your savings are from your husbands own inheritance from his mum. However I do agree with others that your children have substantially benefitted from your father’s £300,000 gift to their schooling. As a gesture of goodwill and an important acknowledgement of your sisters predicament , I would definitely give her an amount of your savings, perhaps even £75k. I think honestly it’s the right and just thing to do.

You should happily pay her the 150 thousand.
You still got a great deal of half cost fees from your generous father.

If you actually can't pay that, then offering 80 -100 thousand might help your sister get on the property ladder.
I think you should assist your sister to buy her own home.
She needs certainty that your father's money would have provided..

Of course posters would absolutely NOT do anything of the sort.

There's just a lot of projection on here, and they do identify as the sister and are miffed because THEY didn't get help. There's also a nasty jealousy towards the kids who were given a private education and are due to get some help with their home deposit.

Talking about the OP having "money lying around" blissfully ignoring that the mortgage is not paid, the kids are at Uni and are expensive, forgetting that the sister received the gift of a deposit for a house... tells you all you need to know.

The OP has not worked and saved money to give it away to her sister, how ridiculous!

Why isn't the sister asking for the LOAN to her aunt to be paid back for a start? Because she's going for an easy target.

I think it’s terrible that your DC get private education and house deposits and your sister gets fuck all.

You were happy enough to have the fees paid at the time so I do think you owe your sister the money.

This kind of stuff always happens with wills.

In this case the money has been spent as your father intended: he wanted to fund your kids education and whatever was left would go to your sister first. Except there was nothing left.

DF did not give you the money directly. He spent the money on your kids. If he had given you 300k cash which was sitting in an account then of course you would give half to your sister. But in this case, you didn’t personally receive it so you don’t owe her anything. I understand it’s hard for her but that’s the reality.

Something similar happened to my dad, although there was much more money at stake. He most certainly did not demand money from his brother.

You and your children have benefitted from an early inheritance so you should pay your sister. The private school education will also create generational wealth for your kids so you've all benefited from your dad's generosity. It's only right that you pay your sister and I'm surprised that you had to even ask.

She would have sent two to private school.

Baffled by these responses. You don't owe your sister a penny OP.

This 100%

@Tiswa
So all of those saying pay her would you honestly be ok with it if your partner (having insisted along with their father that your children went to private school in the first place) wanted to give up your inheritance from your mother that you and her both wanted to go towards the (grand)children housing deposits being given to a woman who has been in rehab

Yes I would because I would consider the school fees being paid to my children as being as much as a gift to me as to them and I would consider an inheritance from my mum as being family money and not 'my' money.
The fact that the sister was in rehab or the fact she is not very nice is irrelevant. The OP knows what the right thing to do is but she is trying to justify keeping the money.

Don't pay your sister anything.

I'm sorry she feels aggrieved, but your Dad didn't spent her inheritance on your kids. He spent HIS money on something he wanted to do. It's not inheritance until he's dead. And he had every right to choose how to spend his money.

I get your sister feels upset, but at the end of the day inheritance isn't a guarantee given the high chances of care home fees etc.

You are not responsible for her life choices, nor was your dad.

If I was your sister, I would be very pissed off.

Agree. It is rather grim the father of the kids accepted money from his FIL, which was in place of intended inherited, and now keeps what he got from his family as his own. It has been a win win for OP and her DH.

there is no way my DH would take a sum like this from my Dad but he has morals and sense of right and wrong.

Oooof. I feel for the sister tbh.

Of course, legally she hasn't got a leg to stand on. Obviously you can't "sell" or "undo" the private education, but she's got a point. You, as a family, have been massively invested in, whereas she hasn't had a single penny.

I can fully understand her anger, but it's also misdirected. Clearly she can't yell at your dad, but she CAN yell at you.

Try putting yourself in her shoes. I get that she's being pretty nasty to you at the moment, but if the situation was reversed, you'd probably have some things to say as well.
Clearly you can't just give her £150K, but you can give her some support and kindness.

The sister sounds like my sister. I might be wrong but my sister is an entitled bully who has done very little to help herself, blames everyone else and expects people to bail her out.

The FATHER has messed up here. Not the OP.

But I do think a compromise might be the way forward. A smaller sum as a deposit on a house for example.

Why wouldn't I give my sister mine and my DHs hard earned savings along with my DHs inheritance, when I have three children to finish uni and get on the housing ladder? Because my father's financial choices are my DHs responsibility to rectify?