School fees and inheritance. I have my hard hat

[barenakedhazy]

I have 3 children, currently all at Uni. My sister is child free by choice.

11 years ago my husband and I sat down and did the maths about school fees for secondary school. We had planned to send our children privately but the youngest two were
twins and while affording 2 would have been possible, 3 wasn't. We were disappointed as we'd planned for this school, but instead started looking into moving house.

When we told my dad this he made us an offer. He'd recently sold his house to downsize to a small flat in an over 50s block and he was cash rich. He offered to pay for the kids to go to school. He felt really strongly about them going and this mattered to him- more than it mattered to us frankly. To ensure their education wouldn't be disrupted he paid the school for 7 years up front for each child. This was just over £100k each.

He then changed his will stipulating that my sister would get the first £300k of any inheritance, with the remainder split between us. (Look - before people start pulling this apart it was a lot more complicated and involved- this is just a simplified summary). He felt confident this wouldn't be a problem as he owned a property he'd paid £250k for and had another £200k left after paying the school fees, as well as a good pension for day to day living.

Over the next 10 years things weren't brilliant. In summary- flat was a terrible investment which cost £50k in 5 years for leasehold repairs and eventually sold for less than he bought it. There were some mistaken investments. He helped out his sister with a loan and she then died and our cousins were dreadful and said without a legal loan agreement they wouldn't repay from her estate. Finally there was a fall that hospitalised him and left him wheelchair bound and needing full time care.

My dad died 7 months ago and after over 5 years in a care home there was almost nothing left for an inheritance.

My sister and I are joint executors and she is furious. She says I got over £300k and she got nothing. She wants £150k off my husband and I to make it "fair".

I understand she's upset and do see how it seems wrong. However we weren't going to go the private school route as we couldn't afford it- this was something that mattered to my Dad and which he did for his grandchildren. I said I see it as a gift to his grandchildren- she says she's being punished for being child free.

I was sympathetic but she's been so bloody horrible that I'm at the stage of just telling her to get lost and never speaking to her again. She's made Dad's death all about money and seems more upset that there's no inheritance than the fact that he's died. She visited rarely and had nothing to do with setting up the care home or managing the fees- I had POA and did all of that. Now she wants his accounts audited and I'm so angry at the implication that I mismanaged things.

Anyway. AIBU to tell her that she's not getting £150k off us? We do have the money as we are both in well paid jobs and she's always struggled to find her niche which I think makes things harder. She lives alone and doesn't have a lot saved for retirement which has been worrying her, so I think some of this is because she was relying on dad's money. However if she'd have bothered to get involved in his care she'd have seen the situation in real time.

@chickennoodless how on earth is your husband going to feel handing over money that you and him have diligently saved for house deposits for your kids!!

Its money that wasn't spent on school fees, or stamp duty and a pricier house in a catchment area for a good state school.

'Comfortably' is a strong term there, when they have a DC with learning difficulties. She may well need more help as an adult, doing well at uni now doesn't preclude that.

I agree with both of you.

Its a good point by @chickennoodless I must have missed the post about the money you have available coming from your DH's mother... that's his money

I would not dream of asking your husband to give money to your sister.You are not responsible for your sisters or your fathers choices .What you do with your own portion of family money is up to you and a modest gift to your sister from that would be kind.

Why should her husbands inheritance not come in to this? As it stands his children's education has been totally funded from his wife's side of the family. Why should none of it come from his side? Why would his late Mother not want any of the money to go to her grandchildren?

OP I hope you read my post, just so you know that not everybody is “team sister”.

In my view it’s bizarre and disgusting how grabby and obsessed with money people become on the question of inheritance. Assuming they have a “right”, or some legal or moral entitlement to cash. It’s gross. This thread only demonstrates how many people think this way.

Your father made his choices, and that’s the end of it frankly. Tell your sister you’re not giving her any of YOUR money and if that destroys your relationship with her, well, not much of a loss then is it?

I have children and have luckily benefitted from flexible working. If someone I worked with wanted flexible working because of ANY FUCKING REASON THEY LIKE I wouldn't be a massive twunt and think this..

This is like people saying, “I’m childless but I need flexible working too.” Nope. You don’t. Not unless you have a very valid reason e.g. health.

And big lols to the person who thinks the sister should be given money in the form of family holidays with the op, her husband and their kids. I'm sure she'd LOVE that...

To me it's not about whether she's owed it or not. I'd say it's fair to say she's acctually not based on that but....

This is a woman who was helped considerably by her father to educate her children. She had the money for 2 already and he even paid that aswell presumably so it was fair to all the kids and she could still buy her new house.

She should take a leaf out of her dads book and help her sister into a comfortable retirement. This comes down to generosity. Is she as generous as her dad... what would he want and think and will she do what he would want.

Honestly?

I wouldn't give her any money. OP didn't get an inheritance; it all went to the grandchildren, no different than if he'd put it in trust for them. It's been spent. As he was entitled to do, whether people agreed with his decision or not.

Life means the rest was spent so by the time he died, neither OP nor her sister received an inheritance.

OP's sister has failed to plan for her own future. That's not OP's fault.

OP also took on the burden and responsibility of looking after their dad while OP's sister couldn't be arsed to even visit occasionally. ANd now she's outraged? Too effin bad.

OP, do not give away your hard earned money to a third party. And that's what your sister is here. A third party. It's not yours to give away. It's your husband's, too. And he has a right to veto the very idea.

The money was never divided between the 2 sisters: the inheritance skipped a generation and went to the grandchildren. That was effectively the grandfathers choice.

Well, one very good reason is that DH is evidently not keen on the idea and cannot practically be made to at this point.

Also, you have it entirely arse about face when it comes to his DMs money going to her GDC. The private schooling has been and gone. The only way her money will go to her GDC now is if OPs DH doesn't give it to Dsis.

Have read a big chunk of this @barenakedhazy : it’s tricky - I say this as one of a big family where things are unequal (with resentment!) and where the generations above have fallen out for life over inheritance

@ChateauMargaux and @JurassicFantastic both raise good points

What is clear though is your dad INTENDED equality, and could not imagine there’d be no money left (‘the first £300k)

If you give her nothing now your dad is gone, you are screwing her over like your cousins are screwing you both over now your aunt is gone

My dad’s brother did the same to him (stealing an inheritance- in this case property)- what you are doing is not quite the same but in his case he justified it as needing it for the next generation (like you wanting a deposit for your kids). The hurt never went away

Basically you can choose to make things right with your sister (even if you can’t give a full £150k) or chose your own kids

Your sister SHOULD have had 300k, she isn’t asking for that. Maybe you can’t give £150k, but she will have been banking on that money and the question is - are you a more worthy recipient/more of a daughter than she?

In my family, 2 of a larger set of siblings have got huge help (house deposit & the bulk of the main family home) - it’s not fair

One recognises it, the other thinks it’s their birthright/luck of the draw

It’s complicated and there are a lot of things to consider (including your kids future needs).

In your shoes I would try to give your sister a decent sum (maybe £50k?) - as much as you possibly can especially what YOU personally contributed to the family pot (not your DH) and could you provide a further sum once kids all graduated?

There is always a reason not to pay / you will believe your kids deserve it more than she, but obviously your dad intended her to have something and to leave her with nothing while she needs it and you are comfortable is not right

On repeat: she was never intending to educate 3 kids at private school. They were going to state school until DF made his decision. He made the choice that his grandchildren’s education was more important to him than ringfencing money for his 2 daughters or giving it to them there and then.

You can never rely on an inheritance: particularly in an age when care fees are what they are.

In my view it’s bizarre and disgusting how grabby and obsessed with money people become on the question of inheritance. Assuming they have a “right”, or some legal or moral entitlement to cash. It’s gross.

I could say the same about OP. I doubt that when she accepted the £300K that she didn’t need that she never thought about her sister or about possible care fees for her father.

TBH given that Dsis is now accusing OP of having mismanaged the funds, I think the relationship is probably fucked anyway.

Im intrigued about you being critical about your sister and fathers financial decisions. Maybe they think / thought yours are poor as you had 3 children, wanted to privately educate them which most people know is ruinously expensive for 2 never mind 3

You need to give your sister her share. You are very lucky to have that much savings (you wouldn't if you had paid for private schooling) and split 3 ways wouldn't be a deposit to buy a property in lots of areas of this country. Your children got the advantage of private education after all. I didn't get either and lm doing well. Your fathers wishes were for your sister to get the first £300k, that isn't possible but she does need to be compensated

For maybe the 46th time this thread, OP wasn't ever going to be paying for 3 lots of private school.

If she was so concerned about the money she should have stepped up and actively been there to help and support your dad, then she would have known full well what was going on.

Op, save that money for your children. I have friends and family who went to private school. Most people with no experience of it seem to think that anyone who goes is automatically set up for life with influential friends and a highly paid job. It just doesn't work like that. Without a lot of luck and a job that pays incredibly well your children are going to struggle financially to afford housing, and they're going to need all the help they can get. I have friends who are doctors and are still living with their parents so they can save. That is money that YOU have worked hard for and saved, it's not your sister's. If you give it to her your children will suffer for it and you will regret it at some point down the line.

This is your dad's AND your sister's screw up, not yours. She could have asked for a share back then, or she could have actually bothered being in his life. I have a sibling who lives thousands of miles away, and yet he is still actively involved with our parents, so I know it can be done. The distance thing is nothing more than an excuse.

It was your dad's money.
He spent it as he wished.
He was an adult.
The only money your sister can go after is the loan to the family.
Plus she never bothers about you or your family, till she got nothing.
She knew at the time of the school fees.
So sorry but in your dad's lifetime it all got spent. End of.

It wasn't the father's choice to skip OP's sister and cut her out of the will. He intended her to have an equal amount.

He intended to leave money to OP as well - neither of them got any. Only his grandchildren benefited.

This was his choice - he could have ringfenced or given the money to his DDs at the time if he had wanted. During his life he prioritised his grandchildren.

Leave OP money only after the sister had received an amount equal to him funding school fees.

A will means nothing if there's no money left. Father's choices all the way. He could have given sister the money years ago and it wouldn't have been swallowed up in care costs. Had he wanted her to have it so much.
Or he could have put it away for her in trust without it being used in care costs.
All father's choice his money his choice he didn't .
It got spent nothing left for either daughter.

Yep. Because you can't spend your money during your lifetime and will it too!