School fees and inheritance. I have my hard hat

[barenakedhazy]

I have 3 children, currently all at Uni. My sister is child free by choice.

11 years ago my husband and I sat down and did the maths about school fees for secondary school. We had planned to send our children privately but the youngest two were
twins and while affording 2 would have been possible, 3 wasn't. We were disappointed as we'd planned for this school, but instead started looking into moving house.

When we told my dad this he made us an offer. He'd recently sold his house to downsize to a small flat in an over 50s block and he was cash rich. He offered to pay for the kids to go to school. He felt really strongly about them going and this mattered to him- more than it mattered to us frankly. To ensure their education wouldn't be disrupted he paid the school for 7 years up front for each child. This was just over £100k each.

He then changed his will stipulating that my sister would get the first £300k of any inheritance, with the remainder split between us. (Look - before people start pulling this apart it was a lot more complicated and involved- this is just a simplified summary). He felt confident this wouldn't be a problem as he owned a property he'd paid £250k for and had another £200k left after paying the school fees, as well as a good pension for day to day living.

Over the next 10 years things weren't brilliant. In summary- flat was a terrible investment which cost £50k in 5 years for leasehold repairs and eventually sold for less than he bought it. There were some mistaken investments. He helped out his sister with a loan and she then died and our cousins were dreadful and said without a legal loan agreement they wouldn't repay from her estate. Finally there was a fall that hospitalised him and left him wheelchair bound and needing full time care.

My dad died 7 months ago and after over 5 years in a care home there was almost nothing left for an inheritance.

My sister and I are joint executors and she is furious. She says I got over £300k and she got nothing. She wants £150k off my husband and I to make it "fair".

I understand she's upset and do see how it seems wrong. However we weren't going to go the private school route as we couldn't afford it- this was something that mattered to my Dad and which he did for his grandchildren. I said I see it as a gift to his grandchildren- she says she's being punished for being child free.

I was sympathetic but she's been so bloody horrible that I'm at the stage of just telling her to get lost and never speaking to her again. She's made Dad's death all about money and seems more upset that there's no inheritance than the fact that he's died. She visited rarely and had nothing to do with setting up the care home or managing the fees- I had POA and did all of that. Now she wants his accounts audited and I'm so angry at the implication that I mismanaged things.

Anyway. AIBU to tell her that she's not getting £150k off us? We do have the money as we are both in well paid jobs and she's always struggled to find her niche which I think makes things harder. She lives alone and doesn't have a lot saved for retirement which has been worrying her, so I think some of this is because she was relying on dad's money. However if she'd have bothered to get involved in his care she'd have seen the situation in real time.

This is a tricky situation.
If you do choose to recompense your sister in some way, then I would also take into consideration other money he has spent on you and your sister.
So the 15k house deposit and the rehab (a similar investment to private school), as well as ant other gifts to you (did he help you with your house deposit too?)

I think we'll be in a similar position to you and your sister. I'll end up with POA (although I am the one further away) because my DSis, although lovely, does not cope well with any "complicated" or negative situation (recent example, her new car had an issue and my dad had to ring the garage for her, she's mid 30s). I also have DC whereas she does not (although that's not by choice).

My parents have helped both of us out in different ways financially. I know the full extent of it all, she doesn't.

I think if it were me, I wouldn't care if she'd had something while they were alive, that they'd wanted her and her family (she is married) to have, to help them out, and that meant there was nothing left for me after care. That just is what it is, and if she needed help that I didn't, then that's how it was.

However, I think, based on her DHs attitude to money, and knowing how easily swayed she is, if I'd had something and then there was nothing left to "make it fair" to her, it would damage our relationship. People have very different attitudes towards money, and her and her DH don't have a lot of it (neither do we right now but we have much better jobs and assets, we're just in the childcare fee trenches).

My only thoughts right now would be that I'd hope, once I'd say down and gone through all the documents with her, she'd understand. And whilst still being disappointed, would also eventually realise that inheritance isn't guaranteed.

I don't think you should give her your savings, @barenakedhazy, as although you have benefitted it's been for your children and not something you'd have done it your dad hadn't wanted to pay. You've therefore not stuck 300k in a savings pot because you've had an expense covered. I also note that a chunk of it is DHs inheritance from his mum. That's definitely not a fair thing to do, take from his mum to give to your sister because your dad made decisions leading to this situation.

I think let her have the accounts audited. She'll see for herself you're not "on the take" and then it'll go from there.

I hope it works out right for you both.

You'd basically be taking his money/his mum's money from your children and giving it to your sister.

Yet, OP’s husband was happy to accept a vast sum of money from his FIL’s savings.

I agree with this & if I were your DH, I'd be apoplectic that you were even considering giving away £150k of family money. No chance.

I feel for your sister but you don't owe her anything.

You were silly to accept £300k for schooling you were t that bothered about. Just greedy tbh. You accepted it as your half of the inheritance, if you didn't want to spend it on private school you should have refused.

Tbh I'm not surprised your sister is upset, and as you've got £150k you should give it to her, it's only fair. You say you wouldn't have sent your dc to private school had you known, but you did and you have to live by that decision.

Your dc have had the luxury of private education instead of a house deposit, and that's all on you!

Disapproving of your daughters choices does not mean you would deliberately disinherit them – that’s a leap fabricated so OP can feel better about what she wishes to do.

Neither OP or her husband received any money. OPs Dad kindly paid for his grandchildren's education.

OP and her DH weren't going to send the kids to private school so they saved £0.

Why punish the children for a gift their grandparent gave them.

They haven't benefitted in monetary terms either.

Did sister offer to share when her dad gave her a house deposit?

Aw good, worried I wasn't being clear!

OP hasn't said where she lives, but if she's in the UK, her ability to decide what her spouse does with his inheritance isn't straightforward anyway. If they're in Scotland, it's his. If they're in England and Wales, it's potentially part of the pot if the couple were divorcing... but they're not! OP has said DH feels strongly that they should be doing something else with the money, and he doesn't actually have to change his mind about that.

Also worth pointing out that if they have 3 DC and OP has been the child with essentially exclusive responsibility for organising DFs care in his final years, DH has probably been more impacted by this than Dsis, simply by dint of the other adult in the household being less available for the 3 DC.

OP I don't think you can win here.

If you give your sister anything, especially if it comes in part from your husband's inheritance, he and possibly your children will resent it.

If you don't give your sister anything then she will resent it.

You will not please everyone. That's not your fault, it just isn't possible as people want things that just aren't compatible. All you can do is what feels right to you and what you can live with.

If you can't decide what feels right then I'd be thinking about how that money could most benefit the world and the people you care about. Is it a better use of your family's savings to give her money or to set your children up for the future?

Same.

It would be different if OPs Dad had gifted them £300k cash and they'd chosen to spend it on school fees or if they were going to send them anyway so they'd saved £300k, but that isn't the case here.

Also OP, with 150k in savings, you shouldn’t be helping your kids with deposits. It’s money you might need in your old age. You need to teach them to stand on their own two feet.

@CovertPiggery Yes they were. They could afford and had budgeted to send 2 to private school but they had twins with their 2nd attempt and just couldn't stretch to paying for 3. They could have accepted just the extra to top them up, but they accepted the lot for all the children.

I'm childfree. My brother isn't.

My parents have never treated us differently and in both of their wills my brother and I inherit 50% each.

I think that what your father and now you are doing is absolutely appalling.

And you trying to justify it by saying that she's childfree by choice and has made some bad decisions, well quite honestly I'm speechless.

Would you treat your own children like this?

I think the fact that a lot of this £150k in savings were saved by your husband and from his inheritance is important. Do you personally have £150k you could give your sister? As in, money you solely have saved? If not then I don’t think you are in a position to give it to your sister, you don’t have it to give.
i also think that your dad should have made different choices if it was so important to him to give your children and your sister the exact same financially.

They did receive money, the unnecessary school fees for their kids. They did not need to go down private route.

“Dad was frustrated with my sister's life choices and much more approving of mine (job, house, marriage, children.) “

yeah tbf it does sound a lot like he was punishing your sister for not falling inline with the patriarchy. I totally see why she is pissed off. YABU @barenakedhazy

Whatelse did you get apart from what was given to the grandchildren?

They had already decided they weren't going to, before her dad paid the fees to the school, up front.

@CovertPiggery

OP didn't receive any money. Her dad paid the school directly.

OP and her DH are £0 up from her dad. Their savings are mostly her DHs own inheritance and both of their hard earned savings.

That isn't how her dad saw it.

He saw it as a gift to her, as is evident in the will where he made a specific stipulation that it was taken into account:

He then changed his will stipulating that my sister would get the first £300k of any inheritance, with the remainder split between us.

Reading this back, can't you see that her dad did view the money as a gift to OP directly? With the will stipulation in mind I don't know how people can't see that he saw it that way.

Apologies I re-read and had missed that, I didn't know it was possible to pay a lump sum upfront.

Although if they estimated they could already afford 2 x school fees without dad's help and its now part of their disposable income, then that is a fairly chunky amount to save

Another clairvoyant

true, they could have taken that cash and go on a luxury cruise around the world. Or bought a house.

They didn't though, did they.

Exactly, they were happy for the cash to be splashed about on school fees when it was not their own but when it came to using their own money, they weren’t going to bother.