School fees and inheritance. I have my hard hat

[barenakedhazy]

I have 3 children, currently all at Uni. My sister is child free by choice.

11 years ago my husband and I sat down and did the maths about school fees for secondary school. We had planned to send our children privately but the youngest two were
twins and while affording 2 would have been possible, 3 wasn't. We were disappointed as we'd planned for this school, but instead started looking into moving house.

When we told my dad this he made us an offer. He'd recently sold his house to downsize to a small flat in an over 50s block and he was cash rich. He offered to pay for the kids to go to school. He felt really strongly about them going and this mattered to him- more than it mattered to us frankly. To ensure their education wouldn't be disrupted he paid the school for 7 years up front for each child. This was just over £100k each.

He then changed his will stipulating that my sister would get the first £300k of any inheritance, with the remainder split between us. (Look - before people start pulling this apart it was a lot more complicated and involved- this is just a simplified summary). He felt confident this wouldn't be a problem as he owned a property he'd paid £250k for and had another £200k left after paying the school fees, as well as a good pension for day to day living.

Over the next 10 years things weren't brilliant. In summary- flat was a terrible investment which cost £50k in 5 years for leasehold repairs and eventually sold for less than he bought it. There were some mistaken investments. He helped out his sister with a loan and she then died and our cousins were dreadful and said without a legal loan agreement they wouldn't repay from her estate. Finally there was a fall that hospitalised him and left him wheelchair bound and needing full time care.

My dad died 7 months ago and after over 5 years in a care home there was almost nothing left for an inheritance.

My sister and I are joint executors and she is furious. She says I got over £300k and she got nothing. She wants £150k off my husband and I to make it "fair".

I understand she's upset and do see how it seems wrong. However we weren't going to go the private school route as we couldn't afford it- this was something that mattered to my Dad and which he did for his grandchildren. I said I see it as a gift to his grandchildren- she says she's being punished for being child free.

I was sympathetic but she's been so bloody horrible that I'm at the stage of just telling her to get lost and never speaking to her again. She's made Dad's death all about money and seems more upset that there's no inheritance than the fact that he's died. She visited rarely and had nothing to do with setting up the care home or managing the fees- I had POA and did all of that. Now she wants his accounts audited and I'm so angry at the implication that I mismanaged things.

Anyway. AIBU to tell her that she's not getting £150k off us? We do have the money as we are both in well paid jobs and she's always struggled to find her niche which I think makes things harder. She lives alone and doesn't have a lot saved for retirement which has been worrying her, so I think some of this is because she was relying on dad's money. However if she'd have bothered to get involved in his care she'd have seen the situation in real time.

I haven't read the whole thread.
You have the money; I would pay your sister.
It is obvious that your father wanted to split any money evenly between you and your sister.
I understand why she is being 'horrible' about it. It's because it's unfair.

You say you weren’t directly benefitting. But you were. You said initially that you could afford 2 school places and not 3. So understandably had to decide no places.

Your dad offered to pay for all 3, not just the 1 you couldn’t afford.

So you have saved, £200k on school fees (in a round about way)?

How much do your DC know about all this?

Ah yes I see what you mean!

Yes, I'm amazed how few people are mentioning that.

You say you can afford it. Why on earth would you not want to make it fair with your sister. Absolutely you should have offered without her even having to ask. Your Dad offered in good faith and ruining your relationship with your sister is clearly not what was planned. Absolutely give the money. Her rightful half. Her childlessness is irrelevant.

Exactly this!

And not just savings, but her husband's inheritance.

I doubt his mum wanted him to just give it away.

Haven’t RTFT but I can’t understand why people keep talking about £150K. The amount was £300K. Plus inflation. So I would be thinking the OP would owe north of £450K - if she was to be paying anything at all.

However.. it was the OP’s father’s responsibility ultimately to make this “deal” work. He was the one who got to spend money on the DGC. Money he couldn’t really afford. He also have passed on the flat to the DS while he was still alive. That he didn’t is the tragedy. But not everyone thinks through their financial decisions completely (especially when they benefit others).

I don’t sadly think that the relationship with the OP’s sister is saveable. There will always be bad blood between them.

£200k cash, he had assets but I agree it should have been obvious to all that the sister may not have revived £300k. But then property values go up etc so uncertain but a Riis.

If you are one of two and your father says to you I’ll pay your kids school fees and I’ll “make it equal” by giving your sibling the same amount out of the first proceeds on death and you think there is a risk that money won’t be there for your sibling, do you take the fees?

She's your sister, your dad was so generous, take a leaf from his book.
Give her the money and with blessings too, I'm getting the impression that your dad would be pleased if you did this

This. I understand the dilemma with your dh as it's family money however your dad was not really in a financial position to give such a large amount to benefit your children. He should have set aside equal amount for your sister because care home fees were always likely.

Your husband accepted the private school funding at the time so rather than look at it as a gift reframe it..It was 50% gift and 50% loan. The loan is now repayable, without interest, to your sister.

It's still a fantastic deal for your family, ultimately, with the reduced "gift" it only cost your family 50k per child for 7 years education. It will have made your lives MUCH easier so don't ignore the benefit you and your husband has had.

It seems as though you are on this thread looking for validation to not give her money.

I would give her something, say £50k. You then still have plenty left for your family with the potential to earn lots more as you have great careers. Sister won't ever be completely happy but nothing will change that and it doesn’t sounds like you have much of a relationship with her anyway.

Exactly this

at the very least give her something.

she shouldn’t be penalised just because she didn’t have kids

Mmm, it's not immediately obvious why the wishes of one deceased parent are more important than the wishes of the other here.

Haven't rtft but presumably OP didnt pay the school 300k in one lump sum for 3 children's entire education, but even when interest rates were crap there would have been some return on the 300k that was gradually being used up (yearly? Termly? Monthly? I'm not sure how private school fees are paid) so would have had some benefit there, as well as having 2 x school fees money available that they had considered paying but now didn't have to.
It's unlikely there would be £150k + in savings if they'd paid even 1 lot of school fees.

OP had also said that he disapproved of her sisters choices and those posts show that he prioritised OP. At the very best, he didn't care enough about prioritising the security of the sisters money. At worst, he knew he was gambling it away, but did it anyway.

If you really care about treating your kids equally, you give them the money at the same time, or you ring fence the amount 'owed' in a secure way. He didn't care enough to do either.

And that is the crux of the sister's upset. As with all inheritance issues, it's the feeling that the relative didn't love you/love you as much. And as they're dead you'll never have closure.

Omg give her the money. You had your inheritance early now through no fault of hers there is nothing left. You owe her something.

What a fool your poor df was (sorry for your loss ) causing all this drama.

We've had similar threads recently parents wanting to 'gift' one dc huge sums the other dc has to wait till they die for some crazy reason. Parents should split any gifting equally whilst alive then anything left over once they die is fairly shared if that is what the will stipulates.

I'm glad your DH feels strongly about it.

You'd basically be taking his money/his mum's money from your children and giving it to your sister. Despite the fact that neither of you got any money from your Dad.

Can you sit down with your sister and explain that you didn't receive any money from your Dad and weren't going to send the kids to private school so didn't save any money either. And that the savings are mostly your DHs inheritance and nothing to do with any of this.

I feel for your sister. It's clear you were the golden child and now you and your family have effectively received all your dad had to give. She gets nothing. You're there in your big nearly mortgage-free house with six-figure savings and big pensions and privately educated children, looking down your nose at her ("none of her jobs stuck, she's been in rehab") and refusing to give her a fair share.

You should give the money to your sister.
If I were her I’d feel absolutely furious with your dad but unfortunately he’s not here and instead of talking to you both re the dwindling inheritance he’s left this whole bloody mess for you to sort out. Therefore I also feel for you but unless you want to end any kind of relationship with your sister you should give her the money.

Oh, OP, it isn't about the money for her, not really. After someone dies the money they do or don't leave to a person can become a metaphor for how much that person was or wasn't loved

It hurts like hell to be discounted.

Wow, what a mess. Recently the threads about private schools are tedious and boring but this one is totally different.

my personal opinion is if you could not afford the fees yourself, why the hell would you accept the cash from someone else? There is no way I would take money from my parents, especially that much, because you never know what is round the corner and that cash might be needed, exactly what happened to your dad. Was private school really that necessary your dad was left financially vulnerable?

the decision is yours, you have the cash to put things right but it sounds like you don’t want to do, you have done very well out of this situation, hope you are pleased with the outcome.

@Livinghappy Your husband accepted the private school funding at the time so rather than look at it as a gift reframe it..It was 50% gift and 50% loan. The loan is now repayable, without interest, to your sister.

That is a very good way of looking at it, and they're still £50k up on the deal. If they were going to spend £200k on private education for two kids and just couldn't afford to do it for a third, this is a win win for everyone concerned.

Are you taking the piss?

You'd be furious with him for what? Paying for his grandkids education and his own care?

That's not "dwindling an inheritance" FFS. It's spending HIS OWN money in the way he wanted to.

OP didn't receive any money. Her dad paid the school directly.

She wasn't going to send the kids to private school so didn't save any money either.

OP and her DH are £0 up from her dad. Their savings are mostly her DHs own inheritance and both of their hard earned savings.

“we are hoping to give each child a house deposit at some stage.”

”Each child”… well, what if you give two of your children enough for a house deposit when they’re ready to buy, then get sick and end up in a care home and die before you can give the third child a deposit? Would you want the two who had had a deposit to shrug and say, “sorry sis?” if they had enough in savings to help out their sibling because they hadn’t struggled to get on the property ladder? Or would you want all three of your children to benefit equally from your estate, and hope that they’d ensure this happened?

Your children have already benefited from the private schooling that they effectively ‘inherited’ from your father’s estate. But now you want them to benefit again from the savings you made because you didn’t pay for their private school fees? Am I right in thinking your sister isn’t a home owner?

I’d give her something. Legally you don’t need to, but morally I’d see it as my duty.