School fees and inheritance. I have my hard hat

[barenakedhazy]

I have 3 children, currently all at Uni. My sister is child free by choice.

11 years ago my husband and I sat down and did the maths about school fees for secondary school. We had planned to send our children privately but the youngest two were
twins and while affording 2 would have been possible, 3 wasn't. We were disappointed as we'd planned for this school, but instead started looking into moving house.

When we told my dad this he made us an offer. He'd recently sold his house to downsize to a small flat in an over 50s block and he was cash rich. He offered to pay for the kids to go to school. He felt really strongly about them going and this mattered to him- more than it mattered to us frankly. To ensure their education wouldn't be disrupted he paid the school for 7 years up front for each child. This was just over £100k each.

He then changed his will stipulating that my sister would get the first £300k of any inheritance, with the remainder split between us. (Look - before people start pulling this apart it was a lot more complicated and involved- this is just a simplified summary). He felt confident this wouldn't be a problem as he owned a property he'd paid £250k for and had another £200k left after paying the school fees, as well as a good pension for day to day living.

Over the next 10 years things weren't brilliant. In summary- flat was a terrible investment which cost £50k in 5 years for leasehold repairs and eventually sold for less than he bought it. There were some mistaken investments. He helped out his sister with a loan and she then died and our cousins were dreadful and said without a legal loan agreement they wouldn't repay from her estate. Finally there was a fall that hospitalised him and left him wheelchair bound and needing full time care.

My dad died 7 months ago and after over 5 years in a care home there was almost nothing left for an inheritance.

My sister and I are joint executors and she is furious. She says I got over £300k and she got nothing. She wants £150k off my husband and I to make it "fair".

I understand she's upset and do see how it seems wrong. However we weren't going to go the private school route as we couldn't afford it- this was something that mattered to my Dad and which he did for his grandchildren. I said I see it as a gift to his grandchildren- she says she's being punished for being child free.

I was sympathetic but she's been so bloody horrible that I'm at the stage of just telling her to get lost and never speaking to her again. She's made Dad's death all about money and seems more upset that there's no inheritance than the fact that he's died. She visited rarely and had nothing to do with setting up the care home or managing the fees- I had POA and did all of that. Now she wants his accounts audited and I'm so angry at the implication that I mismanaged things.

Anyway. AIBU to tell her that she's not getting £150k off us? We do have the money as we are both in well paid jobs and she's always struggled to find her niche which I think makes things harder. She lives alone and doesn't have a lot saved for retirement which has been worrying her, so I think some of this is because she was relying on dad's money. However if she'd have bothered to get involved in his care she'd have seen the situation in real time.

Your Dad's intention was for it to be equal. The 300k wasn't a gift to the GC, it was an early inheritance and he wanted to give your sister the same.

If you had only had two children you said you could have afforded private school and that was your intention, which presumably would have been £200k. So if you gave your sister £150k you'll still be financially better off than you otherwise would have been. Or you'd have moved which would also have had costs.

I definitely think morally you owe your sister and I'd absolutely pay it.

Their dad intended to treat the two equally.

The dad was very explicit that OP should not benefit at the expense of her sister.

I feel for your sister, it must feel very unfair. However, I don't think you should give your savings to her as the savings are from your DH's inheritance from his mum. It's not fair that money his mum gave to her child is then being given to someone else and I'm sure not what your MIL would have wanted.

I feel like your post is water in the desert!

All these people suggesting her kids getting a private education is someone not a benefit to the OP are making me want to bang my head off a wall. If someone paid for my kids education I’d feel as if I’d won the lottery.

Put your kids first. Relying on an inheritance is never a good thing. Tough the way things have turned out but that is life (and death)

Delightful. I bet you are loved by all with that attitude.

…I’d add that after a (free) private education your kids should be well equipped enough to earn the money for their own deposits. You’re basically screwing your sister so that you can set your kids up for an easier life. If it was the other way around you wouldn’t think this was ok. Just as your kids mean the world to you and you want to see them safe and secure, do you not think your dad wanted the same for his daughter?

I'm not sure OP would even be able to do that if she wanted to.

I wouldn't pay. Nowadays with folk living so much longer and having to pay for care, inheritance is no longer a given.
That's life unfortunately and your sister needs to suck it up

Ah yes OP life is tough you can totally use that as a justification to see your sister suffer in retirement.

You took £300k of your dad’s money but you keep your money for you & yours!!

Those saying the money was a gift to children and nothing to do with OP seem to have missed this bit of info:

He then changed his will stipulating that my sister would get the first £300k of any inheritance, with the remainder split between us.

Her father certainly saw the school fees as part of OP's inheritance, not just a gift to the children.

I think your sister deserves something and not to be left without a penny from your Dad.

Ultimately you are where you are and you can't escape he invested £300k in your children. Can you both live with yourselves giving her nothing and cutting the relationship, especially when you can afford to?

You've already said your DH has benefitted from his family inheritance, that must sting your sister a bit too.

If i were you I would suck it up and offer her a reduced sum... £50k, £75k..? You likely have lots of equity in your house so you could move and release the same to help your kids in the future.

Sometimes we just have to do the right thing as much as it may feel unfair to you and i think your sister deserves some financial security that has bypassed her and gone to your kids

Exactly! Thank you!!

This!!

Turn the tables. if £300k had been given to your sister to buy a house say, and you got nothing but were promised the first £300k from your fathers estate, I bet you would be wanting £150k back from her. After all she could remortgage to release the funds, use savings etc. after all she would have benefited from that £300k and could have saved more, gone on nice holidays etc.

Do not underestimate the additional benefits of a large financial gift in it often allows the recipient to benefit from an easier lifestyle. Whilst you may feel school fees were intangible those funds freed up your money to presumably pay off your mortgage, put money into savings, pensions, do up your house, go on holidays, allow you to work easier jobs etc

i think your sister is justified in wanting back some of the early inheritance you and your family have clearly benefited from.

Your dad chose to pay for his grandchildren to attend private school l therefore legally and morally you don’t owe your sister anything.

your dad created this unevenness of money, it’s not your problem to sort.

inheritance is not a given right.

In your shoes I wouldn't give my sister money. I don't think your savings are going to go that far anyway to get your dc on the housing ladder. Your dc are people in their own right. Your dad has effectively skipped giving his own dc inheritance in favour of the next generation. Given the generational advantage I think this is quite fair.

Your dsis hasn't made any provision for her own future. Relying on inheritance was poor judgement. Both my dp and ILs are well off but I'm pretty much assuming it will all go on care fees at some point.

You can't give her the money anyway. It's your DHs decision too. I'd support my DH to give £5k or £10k to a sibling but not all our savings. That's nuts.

Does she know you have savings?

I'm guessing she's going to be bitter about your better lifestyle in the future.

This is how I feel, too.

You don't owe her anything, OP.

If people can take it on their conscience, then whatever works for them.

I think I would give her some money but not 150k all in one go. Maybe 75k now and plan for some more later on? If she is not great with money this may be better for her as well?

Yet the OP was happy to take £300k and let her sister alone carry the risk of estate being eroded by care costs.

She someone didn’t have a choice though according to her. Big bad daddy held a gun not only to her head but apparently to the school’s head to and they all just had to go along why it. My experience of school’s is that they are very big on both parental consent and data protection but that school must be different somehow. The OP’s father is somehow guilty of “manipulation” in this circumstance apparently.

Now the sister is left with nothing when it seems the largest chunk taken from her dad’s money was to pay for these school fees.

But she did gain a lot - by not paying the school fees, or having to move to an expensive area for a decent state school, the OP was able to have the extra money to buy her house, and have so much in savings.

This simply isn’t true. The OP had intended to pay for her two children to go to private school but hadn’t anticipated having twins the second time around. Had she just had 2 kids she would have paid the school fees herself and wouldn’t have had anything like as much money for a nice house, cars etc. She only has those things because her father gave her family £300k.

It’s not accurate to say the money was given to the children and not their mother. The money was given to one household and not the other.

I think this hits the nail on the head. It sounds like his money went fairly quickly through a series of bad choices, and the 300k would have been swallowed up here too