School fees and inheritance. I have my hard hat

[barenakedhazy]

I have 3 children, currently all at Uni. My sister is child free by choice.

11 years ago my husband and I sat down and did the maths about school fees for secondary school. We had planned to send our children privately but the youngest two were
twins and while affording 2 would have been possible, 3 wasn't. We were disappointed as we'd planned for this school, but instead started looking into moving house.

When we told my dad this he made us an offer. He'd recently sold his house to downsize to a small flat in an over 50s block and he was cash rich. He offered to pay for the kids to go to school. He felt really strongly about them going and this mattered to him- more than it mattered to us frankly. To ensure their education wouldn't be disrupted he paid the school for 7 years up front for each child. This was just over £100k each.

He then changed his will stipulating that my sister would get the first £300k of any inheritance, with the remainder split between us. (Look - before people start pulling this apart it was a lot more complicated and involved- this is just a simplified summary). He felt confident this wouldn't be a problem as he owned a property he'd paid £250k for and had another £200k left after paying the school fees, as well as a good pension for day to day living.

Over the next 10 years things weren't brilliant. In summary- flat was a terrible investment which cost £50k in 5 years for leasehold repairs and eventually sold for less than he bought it. There were some mistaken investments. He helped out his sister with a loan and she then died and our cousins were dreadful and said without a legal loan agreement they wouldn't repay from her estate. Finally there was a fall that hospitalised him and left him wheelchair bound and needing full time care.

My dad died 7 months ago and after over 5 years in a care home there was almost nothing left for an inheritance.

My sister and I are joint executors and she is furious. She says I got over £300k and she got nothing. She wants £150k off my husband and I to make it "fair".

I understand she's upset and do see how it seems wrong. However we weren't going to go the private school route as we couldn't afford it- this was something that mattered to my Dad and which he did for his grandchildren. I said I see it as a gift to his grandchildren- she says she's being punished for being child free.

I was sympathetic but she's been so bloody horrible that I'm at the stage of just telling her to get lost and never speaking to her again. She's made Dad's death all about money and seems more upset that there's no inheritance than the fact that he's died. She visited rarely and had nothing to do with setting up the care home or managing the fees- I had POA and did all of that. Now she wants his accounts audited and I'm so angry at the implication that I mismanaged things.

Anyway. AIBU to tell her that she's not getting £150k off us? We do have the money as we are both in well paid jobs and she's always struggled to find her niche which I think makes things harder. She lives alone and doesn't have a lot saved for retirement which has been worrying her, so I think some of this is because she was relying on dad's money. However if she'd have bothered to get involved in his care she'd have seen the situation in real time.

I love how a stranger on the internet can access the innermost thoughts of a deceased person to declare their true wishes.

When we have his daughter right here telling us that he explicitly set his will up so she would receive her fair share.

I’d just give her a token, such as £50k, if you have it. You don’t need to give her anything. It is what it is. Life doesn’t always pan out the way we plan.

It sounds like after your Dad gave the money for school fees, there were several years where he could have given your sister an early share of her inheritance if he wanted to. I think it's usual for parent's to try to simultaneously give equal money to their children, so situations like this don't happen and create unnecessary family rifts.

It's rubbish for your sister, but ultimately you're not responsible for the decisions your father made. Also, the situation with your cousins not repaying the loan is awful and I'm sure has added to your sister's frustration; I'd find it difficult to stay in touch with them. I think if there's something you can help your sister out with in the future, like if she wants to go on a course to help her career prospects, morally it would be right to help her out financially. That seems to be in the spirit of what your Dad has done when he paid your DC's school fees, so you would be paying it forward.

@barenakedhazy I apologise for being thick, I've been up since 3am! If you both had nothing from the inheritance, because it's all gone on nursing home fees then why is she mad? There is nothing left at all. Does she actually expect you to give her your savings/loan? If so then that's ridiculous! He wanted his grandchildren to go to private school, you weren't bothered. He wanted to pay the fees, and he did. It benefited the grand children, not you at all. I would offer take her on a mini break somewhere to reconnect and bond. It would be nice to move past this. She's angry right now but it's not right what she expects from you. Apologies if I have this back to front, I'm very tired 😆

I would be inclined to give your sister something, if you can afford it.

Is there a tax implication in UK for a 150k gift between siblings?

If he intended to treat them equally he would’ve given her £300k at the same time or ring-fenced it by putting it in a bond or her name on the property. He also previously gave the sister £15k house deposit which he didn’t give to OP so he didn’t always treat them equally.

Fundamentally a will only distributes what’s left on death. He only intended the sister to get £300k IF he had it on death, he didn’t so she doesn’t get it, he didn’t say anything when the gift was given about the OP having to repay the sister, only that it would come from HIS money, that was clear. It sounds like the OPs DH would not have agreed to the school fees payment being a loan rather than a gift.

It sounds like really he couldn’t afford to pay the school fees and give the equivalent to the sister, and that’s ok, he clearly valued private education and chose to spend his own money while he was alive.

I'm so sorry @barenakedhazy - what a horrible situation to be in, and how sad that your dad's lasting legacy is going to comprise of all this upset and hurt.

Honestly don't know what the solution is and I'm torn morally. I can understand why your sister is so upset and seething with resentment but you clearly wouldn't have made this financial decision if you had know what was going to happen further along the line. It is not ok that your DC should potentially lose their house deposits. We chose house deposits over private school, and it sounds like you would've too given the full choice.

Hard as it is I think you need to prioritise your children, but it doesn't have to be an all or nothing situation. I would compromise on giving your sister some money but definitely not all. Maybe give her £30K now (she will not like this but you are not obliged to give her any) and in the future consider giving her a monthly sum to help in retirement. Something anyway.

Are you new here. I have been consistently impressed on this site the ability of some to accurately assess any given scenario based on the bare minimum of details. They must make a fortune on euromillions every week.

The rich get richer and the poor get poorer and then oh dear the world is one big mess.

Everyone out for themselves and society ceases to function.

Thankfully, in my life I have family and friends who think the opposite to you.

I feel for your sister even though you haven't done anything morally wrong. I'd give her as much as I could afford.

That's really deep man.

It seems to me almost as if you are trying to play god over the (unwise) decision your Dad made. Your sister should save her anger for him, not you.

What would your sister do if the shoe were on the other foot?

She sounds like quite an impulsive person. I’d maybe put £20k in a pension in her name, give her that, and then focus on rebuilding your relationship.

In terms of out for themselves, Dsis is a pretty good example of that. Not arsed about her father when he needed care, leaves all the grunt work to OP, suddenly gets interested when she thinks she's getting paid.

He couldn’t afford to pay the school fees and give the sister £300k because he only had £200k left.

But the OP knew that and took it anyway. She has set out the advantages that brought her - the positive impact on the children and not having to move house for staters.

Now she is wants to paint her sister as not caring that their father died, being money grabbing and making poor life choices.

OP put yourself in your dads position. If something similar happened to your children after your gone. How would you feel knowing 1 of your children would be in your sisters position and your other 2 would not help them? They have NOTHING. Would that be ok? Or would you want your other 2 children to help the child that has nothing as they are in a position too?
Morally I think you should as I don't believe for a second your dad would have gone ahead paying your children's school fees if he knew his other child would getting absolutely nothing.

If you can't see how selfish you're being then there's no hope.

A few people have asked you this OP - what are your thoughts?

This is a tough one. You didn’t actually see the money it went straight to education. I don’t think you owe her. However if you and your husband are well off and she isn’t I can see how this may look. I wouldn’t necessarily give her what she is asking for but I would be inclined to help as she has a point. Really your dad should have gifted her some inheritance earlier in so it didn’t become complicated. Many peoples inheritance is swallowed up in the care system.

She's not being selfish. An inheritance isn't a right! Life happens and as I tell my kids, circumstances can change, thereby leaving nothing.

The obvious one would have been giving to his other daughter instead of his own sister.

I would give her the money
No way would I put money before my relationship with my sister

The sad thing is seeing how time and again , disparity in treatment (in life or in death) tears families apart.

People make all kinds of justifications for doing so.

But you would have to be a superhuman not to begrudge a sibling (whether through their children or not) getting vastly more than you.

Op you said you could have afforded to pay for two children so I don't really understand why your dad didn't just pay for the third (or rather pay a third of the fees for each). I am astonished if you were both earning well that you were prepared to take such a vast chunk of his net worth

You chose to accept the gift of private school education for your kids. You absolutely were responsible for that. Stop trying to wriggle out of it like it had nothing to do with you. You accepted the money for your kids.

I don’t know how you can make this fair. sister shouldn’t have depended on an inheritance. It sounds like your dad did want her to receive a fair share but didn’t act accordingly. I am not sure I’d want to hand over huge savings to my relative if that was going to disadvantage my own children either. But surely pretending that your children didn’t get the whole lot isn’t going to help your relationship with your sister.

It’s difficult isn’t it, I think I would give your sister £50k that’s a good safety net for her and yet it still leaves a good amount to help your children in the future.
I don’t think your sister can reasonably expect the full 150k, as you say it’s not your fault things have ended this way.
Does she know you have £150k if so you must make it known that some of it from your husbands mother.
It’s difficult isn’t it, I feel for your sister, but for you too, don’t rush into anything and don’t give away all your savings, you don’t know what life may throw at you in the future.

THIS.
OP's children have benefitted hugely as has OP bu not having to pay school fees.

The sister gets nothing?
That really isn't fair.