School fees and inheritance. I have my hard hat

[barenakedhazy]

I have 3 children, currently all at Uni. My sister is child free by choice.

11 years ago my husband and I sat down and did the maths about school fees for secondary school. We had planned to send our children privately but the youngest two were
twins and while affording 2 would have been possible, 3 wasn't. We were disappointed as we'd planned for this school, but instead started looking into moving house.

When we told my dad this he made us an offer. He'd recently sold his house to downsize to a small flat in an over 50s block and he was cash rich. He offered to pay for the kids to go to school. He felt really strongly about them going and this mattered to him- more than it mattered to us frankly. To ensure their education wouldn't be disrupted he paid the school for 7 years up front for each child. This was just over £100k each.

He then changed his will stipulating that my sister would get the first £300k of any inheritance, with the remainder split between us. (Look - before people start pulling this apart it was a lot more complicated and involved- this is just a simplified summary). He felt confident this wouldn't be a problem as he owned a property he'd paid £250k for and had another £200k left after paying the school fees, as well as a good pension for day to day living.

Over the next 10 years things weren't brilliant. In summary- flat was a terrible investment which cost £50k in 5 years for leasehold repairs and eventually sold for less than he bought it. There were some mistaken investments. He helped out his sister with a loan and she then died and our cousins were dreadful and said without a legal loan agreement they wouldn't repay from her estate. Finally there was a fall that hospitalised him and left him wheelchair bound and needing full time care.

My dad died 7 months ago and after over 5 years in a care home there was almost nothing left for an inheritance.

My sister and I are joint executors and she is furious. She says I got over £300k and she got nothing. She wants £150k off my husband and I to make it "fair".

I understand she's upset and do see how it seems wrong. However we weren't going to go the private school route as we couldn't afford it- this was something that mattered to my Dad and which he did for his grandchildren. I said I see it as a gift to his grandchildren- she says she's being punished for being child free.

I was sympathetic but she's been so bloody horrible that I'm at the stage of just telling her to get lost and never speaking to her again. She's made Dad's death all about money and seems more upset that there's no inheritance than the fact that he's died. She visited rarely and had nothing to do with setting up the care home or managing the fees- I had POA and did all of that. Now she wants his accounts audited and I'm so angry at the implication that I mismanaged things.

Anyway. AIBU to tell her that she's not getting £150k off us? We do have the money as we are both in well paid jobs and she's always struggled to find her niche which I think makes things harder. She lives alone and doesn't have a lot saved for retirement which has been worrying her, so I think some of this is because she was relying on dad's money. However if she'd have bothered to get involved in his care she'd have seen the situation in real time.

But the op wouldn’t be £150k up, because the OP and her DH had decided not to send their dcs privately because they couldn’t afford it and didn’t want to work the long hours they would have had to do in order to find the money.

4 people got money from the OPs dad, the OPs 3 dcs and her Aunt. The OP didn’t get £300k then decided to spend it on school fees, her dad paid the school directly, so the OP didn’t even get to decide which private school her dcs went to, her dad controlled that, it was this private school or state. He pre-paid so they couldn’t even decide a different school for 6th form. There was no option for the OP and her DH to decide how to spend the money.

Anybody could and should have foreseen that paying vast amounts of money for care can happen with an older person. It’s not sensible to rely or make decisions based on an inheritance coming for this reason.

So your dad made his choice, it was not your choice. He spent his money how he wanted. It’s very unfortunate that there is none left now, but that’s not your fault or your dh’s fault.

Your father didn't 'make it equal' in his will. £300,000 however many years ago has less buying power than £300,000 today, but she's not even getting that, she's getting £150,000. You had money to pay for two kids but choose to take the entire £300,000 from your father, you have the funds to make it equal but you don't want to. You are incredibly greedy. YABU!

I’m with this. ^

Your dad gifted the money to your children, not you. It is sad that the nature of the state of care for the elderly is such that it wipes people’s savings out, but it is what it is. We don’t expect to receive a penny from our elderly relatives for this reason. Also, you say she did nothing for him - in inheritance isn’t owed by right of biological connection. Once a will has been made, it is gifted. Legally she has no right to expect to be compensated - if there is no money in his estate to inherit, there is nothing for her to appeal over (it was gifted more than 7 years ago).

I wouldn’t tell her you have any money saved - your kids may need that for uni, deposits on their first homes or to help with post graduate courses. They are where your loyalty lies.

Edited to add: your sister should be angry at the ‘system’ that fleeced your dad - and your cousins - that’s why there us no money in the pot.

I think it's tough for your sister but it's nonetheless all in line with your Dad's wishes and how he wrote his will, and you do not owe her anything. It is not for you to pay her anything especially as the money he paid for education is already used. She can ask for the accounts to be audited and you will have to grit your teeth but I suggest you go along with that as proof that you have not mismanaged anything will help. But the money is gone so that's the end of it really.

Of course you don’t give your savings to someone else. Your dad gave that money to your children. Yes it was unfair to your sister, but that’s not your fault.

Tough luck to your sister.

I would help my children, not her.

Your children are, by definition, an extension of you so your side of the family have benefitted to the tune of £300k. Your sister, who is child free, was not given an equal amount at the same time.

Turn this on its head. If one of your 3 kids chooses not to have their own children and the other two do, with you giving a significant portion of your own wealth to pay for those grandchildren BUT the one who doesn't ends up through some poor decisions, bad luck and circumstance, being financially straitened, and there's no money left in inheritance whilst the others are enjoying a rather nice life, how would it make you feel? Is it still a case of tough tits, not my problem?

If you didn't feel guilty, you wouldn't have posted the question looking for sympathy for the decision you've already made. Sorry to be so blunt, but you're not so different from the cousins. They don't want to give anything back, and neither do you. As others have said, if you take £20k from each potential deposit for each child, that gives your sister £60k. She's been shafted by circumstances and yet it makes little difference to you, you've already had your share.

This is a horrible situation, I feel bad for you and your DSis. Right now you are both grieving and that makes it all worse. A lot of things could have been done differently in the past to prevent or lessen the impact of right now but dwelling on that now won't help.
I would start by sharing all the bank statements etc with your DSis so she can look herself at where all DF's money was spent and offered to sit down and answer any questions about that. Hopefully it will help her understand that you were not wasting it on fripperies. I think this is more important than deciding whether to dip into your personal savings to 'make up' for your DF's decisions (and TBH I do not think that I would in your situation) as it goes to the trust between you and DSis. If she thinks you're responsible for there not being 300K left she'll always be angry with you anyway.

This thread has really angered me for some reason!

I cannot see how the OP doesn’t feel any sense of moral obligation.

The OP’s father intended her and her sister to treated equally. The OP was happy to take a huge amount of money from her father’s estate knowing that he father didn’t have the money to do the same for her sister.

The OP went to her father at the time saying she was going to move house for schools and then her father paid fees. But that is now being spun as big bad daddy imposed a private education on her children as of somehow the OP and her husband didn’t have a choice.

Another poster has pointed out that her mother wanted to pay the kids school fees and was told immediately it wasn’t up for discussion. But yet the OP somehow has no choice.

And all this the DGS benefitted but the OP didn’t. How on earth is seeing your children benefit from a school in the manner the OP has set out not a benefit to the OP.

Yes there are arguments that the £300k might not have been in his estate at the time of death and there’s the fact of the loan to the aunt.

But to happily sort yourself out by helping your children with deposits while your sister suffers in retirement is something I’d have very strong feelings about.

And your husband has strong feelings about his money being spent but still allowed your dad to pay for children’s education!!

As for telling us about your sister’s cheating - disgusting IMO. You started by saying you wanted to send your kids private and your dad wanted to make things equal. Then suddenly all your sister’s “poor life choices” are somehow relevant that she didn’t get anything like what you from your father’s estate even though his intention was to make things equal. One of the reasons there isn’t anything left is that your father gave you £300k for your kids’ education. And you took it even though he was about to become an old man who might need money for care. Or you didn’t think about that he might need care. But according to yourself you should have because you are baffled about how your sister didn’t know certain things.

The money has gone, it’s been spent, there is no inheritance, that’s the thing. Your dad spent it. Yes a huge part of that was on your kids but what it was spent on doesn’t really matter. Your sister just has to understand that. It’s gone. You and your husband’s savings is that it’s yours.

You are not responsible for either your Father's or your sisters poor financial planning. The imaginary £300k was a wish that if there was enough money it would go to your sister. There isn't so it can't. You absolutely do not have the right to raid your and your husbands savings and/or pension funds to retrospectively right a perceived wrong committed by your Father on your sister you didn't commit, ask for or in any way insist on. It's a sad situation but not one of your making.

I don’t think you should give her anything. Your father made his choices about how he wanted to spend his money during his life. It is unfortunate but that’s how inheritance works. He has spent it how he wanted to and now it’s gone.

You could consider offer her monthly pay as a gesture, to recognise that you have had a favourable treatment and that you love her as a sister. She’s entitled for a fairer share.

You could afford private education for 2 kids but he paid for all three so you have directly benefitted. It doesn’t sound like he would have wanted you to be £300k up and your sister nothing. You could have only taken £100k for the 3rd child and there would have been money left for her too.

I would give her something I think, but not £150k.

If you lived more locally to your DF sounds like you did more of the day to day care/everyday decisions.

Maybe a lump sum of £50k to acknowledge the discrepancy, but then you could give her that and she could continue to feel aggrieved.

Ouch, what an unfortunate mess.

The legal position here is of course clear, so it's about the moral side. And the fact that she was so uninvolved with him and his care would probably tip the balance for me. From what you say, she really wasn't bothered about seeing him, but starts taking an interest as soon as she thinks the pound signs are flashing.

Sorry for your loss.
I think you are being blamed for your father's decisions. He didn't gift you the money as such, he gave it to your children with strings. The real villans here are the family who are refusing to pay back out of his sister's estate what he lent her. Can you and your sister get together to take civil action against them, so that she can get some money back?
DO NOT give her your life savings, anyone suggesting that is bonkers. This is your family money.
In our family parents have lent our sibling multiples of £10ks. They said it will be deducted from inheritance, but whatever, the rest of us of clued up enough to know that this is a possibly, not a guarantee.

No one us entitled to an inheritance

Agree everything you said. It’s just greed.

Feel really sorry for your sister. Such uneven treatment is bound to cause resentment. And the idea that you have not directly benefited because the money was spent on your children is absolutely absurd.

It is not your responsibility to sort out the mess that your father has created by some poor financial decisions.

Annihilating your sister’s character and life choices was also evident that your moral compass is of a very low bar indeed. Which, is perfectly fine, we can’t all be the same.

You have many supporters on here supporting you not to pay and these individuals imo join you in the cesspit of humanity I try hard to avoid. You have great family time with your cousins to look forward to also.

Legally she has a very weak/ no case but morally I think you owe her, especially given her financial circumstances compared to yours.

Also OP practically speaking, if you don't think your DH is going to be up for this then it's a no go anyway, isn't it? If the savings are joint, and this is a substantial part of them, it's not actually for you to unilaterally decide to give them to someone else anyway.