School fees and inheritance. I have my hard hat

[barenakedhazy]

I have 3 children, currently all at Uni. My sister is child free by choice.

11 years ago my husband and I sat down and did the maths about school fees for secondary school. We had planned to send our children privately but the youngest two were
twins and while affording 2 would have been possible, 3 wasn't. We were disappointed as we'd planned for this school, but instead started looking into moving house.

When we told my dad this he made us an offer. He'd recently sold his house to downsize to a small flat in an over 50s block and he was cash rich. He offered to pay for the kids to go to school. He felt really strongly about them going and this mattered to him- more than it mattered to us frankly. To ensure their education wouldn't be disrupted he paid the school for 7 years up front for each child. This was just over £100k each.

He then changed his will stipulating that my sister would get the first £300k of any inheritance, with the remainder split between us. (Look - before people start pulling this apart it was a lot more complicated and involved- this is just a simplified summary). He felt confident this wouldn't be a problem as he owned a property he'd paid £250k for and had another £200k left after paying the school fees, as well as a good pension for day to day living.

Over the next 10 years things weren't brilliant. In summary- flat was a terrible investment which cost £50k in 5 years for leasehold repairs and eventually sold for less than he bought it. There were some mistaken investments. He helped out his sister with a loan and she then died and our cousins were dreadful and said without a legal loan agreement they wouldn't repay from her estate. Finally there was a fall that hospitalised him and left him wheelchair bound and needing full time care.

My dad died 7 months ago and after over 5 years in a care home there was almost nothing left for an inheritance.

My sister and I are joint executors and she is furious. She says I got over £300k and she got nothing. She wants £150k off my husband and I to make it "fair".

I understand she's upset and do see how it seems wrong. However we weren't going to go the private school route as we couldn't afford it- this was something that mattered to my Dad and which he did for his grandchildren. I said I see it as a gift to his grandchildren- she says she's being punished for being child free.

I was sympathetic but she's been so bloody horrible that I'm at the stage of just telling her to get lost and never speaking to her again. She's made Dad's death all about money and seems more upset that there's no inheritance than the fact that he's died. She visited rarely and had nothing to do with setting up the care home or managing the fees- I had POA and did all of that. Now she wants his accounts audited and I'm so angry at the implication that I mismanaged things.

Anyway. AIBU to tell her that she's not getting £150k off us? We do have the money as we are both in well paid jobs and she's always struggled to find her niche which I think makes things harder. She lives alone and doesn't have a lot saved for retirement which has been worrying her, so I think some of this is because she was relying on dad's money. However if she'd have bothered to get involved in his care she'd have seen the situation in real time.

You owe her nothing. Your dad made a hugely kind decision to gift you that money, but sadly his mistake was assuming all would be equal in the end when he passed. Elderly people requiring care absolutely burn through money as you know and the money assumed/promised isn’t there. This is not your responsibility. Tbh I was son the fence til I read that she couldn’t give a hoot about actually helping when he was alive but happy to swoop on and claim the money now, making the grief all about money is quite distasteful, when you didn’t care much prior. Leaving it all to you and then accusing you of mismanagement. Tell her you are keeping the money as wages for all the work you put in. Oh and loosing her nice life over having an affair… I guess somehow that’s your fault too….
I also imagine if you hadn’t mentioned school fees, if you had said money gifted for grandchildren future to avoid the inheritance tax etc/7 year thing everyone would be on your side!

So instead of being gifted £100k for one child’s education you were gifted £300k for all 3. Initially your intentions were to pay for 2 DC but the last are twins . So your father funded all 3. Context is everything in this case and you were saved £200k. Selfish much

This is awful for your sister. It’s crazy how things turn out in life sometimes. Your dad wanted you both to have his money. Morally you should give her some money. I would give the money to my sister and would never lose my sister over this.

You also say you could afford 2 of the 3 school fees. 75K would make the situation much better all around. You would still have benefited financially much more than your sister.

No, that’s not how it works, he was entitled to spend his money as he saw fit while he was alive, and presumably if she’d had children he would’ve either paid their fees or made different choices. An inheritance is not a right.

You did directly benefit. You were going to pay for the first two children, so £200,000. You saved £200,000 and had that added to you day to day finances- probably why you have such a large savings pot.

The thing that made me lose the most respect for you OP was your increasing drip feeding about how nasty your sister is - sleeping with married men, rehab, never visited, hates your kids. As if people would just be “yeah cool, let her have nothing while you had it all”. You genuinely sound awful and you know you should give her something.

With the care home fees did the money run out and the council pay? If so how long before he passed?

It is possible the 300k would have been gone or depleted in care home fees before he passed.

If the money did run out before he died maybe work out how much money would have been left in the estate had he not given it to you e.g he was in care for 5 years at 1000 a week. The money ran out after 3 years so the 300k would have needed to fund 2 further years. £52000 a year for two years means 104k of the 300k would have gone to the care home. Offer half the remainder to your sister.

The OP has said several times they had decided not to send their kids to private school so they wouldn't have had to pay out money on school fees.

This is tough but these were all your dad ‘s choices, not yours. Your husband needs a big say in this too and money he has saved/inherited certainly should not be handed to your sister.

This is nonsense.

In an imaginary world where she only had 2 kids she would have paid for them. In reality she had 3 kids who were going to go to state school but their grandad chose to pay to send them to private.

I'm genuinely baffled people think you should be handing over a lump sum of cash to your sister

I sympathise with her but none of this is your fault and you don't owe her anything.

Your dad chose the kids to come first, he is entitled to do this, perhaps a little foolish to think he could still protect sis equally, but thy didn’t work out with care, but he chose them to be the primary beneficiary and have a boost in life- especially considering prematurity and health issues beyond anyones control. That is a valid use of his resources as is his right to choose. Sister has made poor choices (loosing her life over sleeping with a co worker) and was perhaps counting her chickens over the inheritance while not giving a toss over helping with his care which is quite unsavoury imo. Absolutely do not give her savings of dh or inheritance from his late mum and I wouldn’t give her a penny. Perhaps be generous, pay for meals out, invite her on holiday etc but no lump sums

IMO the OP can be seen as not only immoral but also predatory. OP was so grabby to accept the 300k and get the school fees paid upfront.

The 300k paid upfront was a prime example of money mismanagement. The 300k invested with OP paying for school fees out of the gains and topping up any shortfall would have resulted in there still being a lump sum now if managed correctly. 300k was a huge amount of money years ago.

The OP’s ‘I had no control’ over the choices my DF made rhetoric is quite frankly embarrassing.

OP if you do not pay your sister anything you at least will be in good company within your cousins.

(BTW my DC was 9 weeks premature and born in August instead of November and had numerous health problems as a baby and young child. DC was the youngest in the year and technically in the wrong year however, DC managed to get all A’s in STEM A levels and is now a medical student. All state schools!).

I could not take my savings and give them to my sister when I had three children, that’s insane. I get that she’s upset but unfortunately sometimes life doesn’t work out as we expect, she’s no legal entitlement to your money and you’d be a fool to hand it over. Your children benefited because that is what your dad wanted at the time, his money is now gone because of care fees and poor choices he made, he doesn’t get to spend your savings now he’s dead.

I disagree, all these facts are very relevant, if sister had slogged her guts out for years and was on the breadline due to no fault of her own, cared for her old dad morning noon and night and now was to get nothing I would feel sorry for her. But she has made poor choices taht put her in the lonely and poor financial position and couldn’t care less about visiting her old dad but now wants to swoop in on the money and accuse her sis of mismanagement of the poa when she did no legwork. That’s not being nasty that’s saying the facts.

I also imagine if you hadn’t mentioned school fees, if you had said money gifted for grandchildren future to avoid the inheritance tax etc/7 year thing everyone would be on your side!

OP said in one of her replies he paid the school fees in lump sums to avoid inheritance tax.

I really don't understand why people think it's OP's job to hand over money that was NOT given to her by her late father.

Her sister was told by her dad she could have £300k when he died. He didn't have it so couldn't give it to her. That's nothing to do with OP, she didn't spend that money.

You say that the money goes directly your children as opposed to you seeing impact through holidays, better house etc. That’s not true. If you were going send 2 children to private school anyway at cost of £200k - and could afford to - then even if the money never goes directly to your bank account, you as a couple have enjoyed £200k (if it had been 2 kids not 3) more than you would have to spend on a better quality of life. My parents pay £250 per month toward my kids nursery fees. I don’t see that money myself but I cannot argue it doesn’t benefit me as I now have £250 of my own money more available to me per month.

You keep saying that you haven’t seen a penny of this money or benefitted from it at all as it “went straight to the grandchildren”, but that’s totally disingenuous IMO. If your original plan was to spend £200k on school fees, you’ve effectively had that back in your pocket to save/invest/spend on holidays or your house. You have absolutely benefited from your father’s generous gift, as have your children. I’d be very upset in your sister’s shoes.

Your relationship with your sister will be damaged regardless of what you decide to do.

You say there was little left for an inheritance, was she left anything of the 'first £300k'?

Why does it have to be all or nothing ? Offer £25k as a good will gesture?

Your family has benefited massively and it has eventually been at her expense really

How does your DH feel about the whole situation? A lot of people here saying do this or that but I’d assume this has to be a joint decision?

This reminds me of my family but with a very different spin.

I have two kids and the oldest is going to secondary in Sept. Both my sister and I were privately educated (although school fees are now x5 and wages x2 since we went so a very different proposition to the 90's) and my son has some SEN needs. My sister also has no children (not by choice) and absolutely adores my kids. We see her twice a week as she coaches them in a sport.

We could afford to send one child but not two so we have decided to send to the local non private school however we have had the discussion about private with my sister and parents incase it doesn't work out (my son has high functioning autism) and we need to take him out of state. My sister was the one pushing to send him to private school from the start and quote 'spend the family silver'. If we did have to go private then my younger child would follow. My parents would pay half the fees if this were to occur.

I am so lucky knowing that if we did need to go down that route I would have my parents and sisters support without her feeling I was taking away from her.

YANBU

Your dad chose to spend his money on paying for his grandchildren to be educated at a specific school. I can understand how your sister views your children as an extension of you but in reality they are not. They are separate individuals with specific wants and needs that he wanted to meet in a particular way. He spent his money and what he deemed important. He obviously wanted to be fair to your sister and leave her an her equivalent amount upon his death but everyone knows a bird in the hand is worth two in a bush and sadly this never came to pass. You didn't lose the money that was earmarked for her, once again this was your dad's doing.

It seems to me that your sister has a right to be angry at your dad for the choices he made in his life, but she has no right to transfer this anger to you. Demanding the money from you is just ridiculous! It would make more sense logically for her to demand the money from your children who were the actual beneficiaries of your dad's gift but this was obviously be ludicrous and they would haven't the money anyway so you are the easier to target. I think for her this is just the culmination of a lifetime where she has felt judged and badly supported by your father and felt you had preferential treatment. No amount of money will put this right in reality though and she needs to work through her issues with your father rather than getting worked up about this money and demanding it from you.

You should give her 150k ,the fact she is child free is irrelevant. Your children have benefitted from private education paid for by your father and you now have 150k in the bank which you admit you can afford to give her. You also admit that your sister is in a different predicament.
Your sister has every right to be angry with you. Transfer the 150k with good wishes 😀