School fees and inheritance. I have my hard hat

[barenakedhazy]

I have 3 children, currently all at Uni. My sister is child free by choice.

11 years ago my husband and I sat down and did the maths about school fees for secondary school. We had planned to send our children privately but the youngest two were
twins and while affording 2 would have been possible, 3 wasn't. We were disappointed as we'd planned for this school, but instead started looking into moving house.

When we told my dad this he made us an offer. He'd recently sold his house to downsize to a small flat in an over 50s block and he was cash rich. He offered to pay for the kids to go to school. He felt really strongly about them going and this mattered to him- more than it mattered to us frankly. To ensure their education wouldn't be disrupted he paid the school for 7 years up front for each child. This was just over £100k each.

He then changed his will stipulating that my sister would get the first £300k of any inheritance, with the remainder split between us. (Look - before people start pulling this apart it was a lot more complicated and involved- this is just a simplified summary). He felt confident this wouldn't be a problem as he owned a property he'd paid £250k for and had another £200k left after paying the school fees, as well as a good pension for day to day living.

Over the next 10 years things weren't brilliant. In summary- flat was a terrible investment which cost £50k in 5 years for leasehold repairs and eventually sold for less than he bought it. There were some mistaken investments. He helped out his sister with a loan and she then died and our cousins were dreadful and said without a legal loan agreement they wouldn't repay from her estate. Finally there was a fall that hospitalised him and left him wheelchair bound and needing full time care.

My dad died 7 months ago and after over 5 years in a care home there was almost nothing left for an inheritance.

My sister and I are joint executors and she is furious. She says I got over £300k and she got nothing. She wants £150k off my husband and I to make it "fair".

I understand she's upset and do see how it seems wrong. However we weren't going to go the private school route as we couldn't afford it- this was something that mattered to my Dad and which he did for his grandchildren. I said I see it as a gift to his grandchildren- she says she's being punished for being child free.

I was sympathetic but she's been so bloody horrible that I'm at the stage of just telling her to get lost and never speaking to her again. She's made Dad's death all about money and seems more upset that there's no inheritance than the fact that he's died. She visited rarely and had nothing to do with setting up the care home or managing the fees- I had POA and did all of that. Now she wants his accounts audited and I'm so angry at the implication that I mismanaged things.

Anyway. AIBU to tell her that she's not getting £150k off us? We do have the money as we are both in well paid jobs and she's always struggled to find her niche which I think makes things harder. She lives alone and doesn't have a lot saved for retirement which has been worrying her, so I think some of this is because she was relying on dad's money. However if she'd have bothered to get involved in his care she'd have seen the situation in real time.

You say in your opening post that she’s made your dad’s death all about money. As someone who’s been in a similar (but less extreme) position to your sister you have to understand that it’s not about money, it’s about what the money represents. This will be a huge kick to her and she’ll be feeling second best and unworthy, that is why she is being horrible and lashing out. She’s grieving and she’s also angry at her dad for effectively saying that she wasn’t worth his money.

This situation isn’t wholly your doing but don’t throw away your relationship with her over money. I get that £150k is a huge chunk of savings, can you at least offer her something though?

Good point. I think you’ve changed my mind! But whether the sister is given any money or not, the relationship is probably wrecked.

It's your husband's money. Don't give it to your sister.

I think this is a tough one because I can see both sides. She will feel badly done to but purely off facts, your dad spent that money on your children while he was alive which is nothing to do with inheritance. Its not like he gave some to you and less to her. I can see how it bothers her though. £150 k wouldn't be achievable, my house is worth less! But if you do have lots stashed away and it wouldn't make a dent I would give her something something. If she is struggling financially she probably feels completely desperate about the situation but we can't rely on someone having money to pass on.

I can see both sides.

'DH feels very strongly about helping them with housing. And a lot of our savings are from his late mum.'

If you do give anything, consider ring-fencing and retaining his mum's inheritance - was it received after the school fees were paid?

Your father chose to pay for your children's education. He told your sister she would get the same later. He should either have organised for that to be set aside, or not given you so much if he couldn't afford to do that. Poor planning on his part.

I don't think you have to make up for your father's poor planning but you have had a huge helping hand. You can't give away your DH's inheritance. That would be unfair on the person who left it to him. You don't have to give your children home deposits either. Your children are hugely privileged on many fronts.

I don't think you owe your sister any money but I can see how she would feel the injustice of your family benefiting so much from him. It would be hurtful. I don't think you should wipe out your own savings either. Maybe as a good will gesture, considering how your family have benefited from the education, you could give her something. Maybe 50K? Considering all you have got from your father, that's a bargain really

I don't think you have to make up for a situation your father created but I do feel for your sister here.

I agree with this.

Your DC have benefited from private education and now university. Next you want to gift them house deposits. At what point do your DC get to realise life isn't handed to them on a plate and they have to make their own way in life? They've had a very privileged upbringing. I feel bad for your DS who has been left feeling second best and unloved, while grieving at the same time.

I probably wouldn't give the full £150K if that's your total savings. Even if you gave your DC £30K each, and your DS 60K, that would be helping everyone.

Are you paying for your children's University fees or are they getting student loans?

The 300k would have been better invested to pay for the PS fees instead of in their bank account!

You do come across like a vulture picking over your father’s generosity and leaving little for your sister.

You know what he wished for on his death. Your children got a private education. You could have always said no and removed them from the school. Your excuses for not doing this are disingenuous.

I would be surprised to hear that you have treated your sister fairly and given her the 150k. I don't believe in God so there is no fear of retribution in a religious sense. After reading all your posts I don’t believe you to be a moral person either.

If it were me and I had 150k in savings I would give my sister 75k now and pay monthly the rest.

I agree you should give her something.
i expect she will cut you off if you don’t.. and I think that’s fairly reasonable of her. It shows to me in your posts that you think she’s a bit ‘silly’ or made poor choices, and you don’t see why you should help her with that.. your father helped you make good choices, you should do the same. Also you can give your kids 30k each for housing (still great) and give your sister the rest.

@barenakedhazy I’ve read all your updates. I initially thought you should help your sister, but have flip flopped again! I would be absolutely livid if I were your sis, most people would, but that isn’t your fault, it’s your dads. Would your mil want your dh’s inheritance to go to your sister? Of course she wouldn’t. In a terribly unfair situation I think you are doing your best to do the right thing and have come across as really thoughtful.

I agree this is very complicated as actually the money you would be giving her isn’t your dads but is just as much your DH and that is t fair on him either (and I suspect legally isn’t just as easy as giving up the money)

the problem is any solution here is shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted. The time it should have been shut was way back when he decided to pay the fees up front (which frankly I haven’t ready heard off) after that what solutions are there

what is v clear that your dad both really wanted to send his grandchildren to private school that was his decision and that the will tried to even this out but ultimately I think he gifted the money not loaned it

at any point in time though when it was clear the money was going did he actually say anything at all - also if he hadn’t paid the school fees would that money have actually still existed

and the big question who actually benefitted from the money he spent -it isn’t like the OP has a tangible asset from it and given that actually the money was spent like all the other money who is to say it would still exist

and what would your sister do with it - does she need it for housing or would she simply spend it if so I don’t think that is what your Dad would wantas his grandchildren were clearly very important to him

if it were me I would offer to use a chunk of my savings to help out as a deposit on a house and place a charge on it so that it would come back to you and your children if she failed to make payments. Help set her up but also safeguard the money that it eokldnt just be lost because giving her the money could do that

Hold on it’s your DH savings then no of course you don’t plus she has had a deposit and rehab fees as well and how much of it would have gone on care home fees

having reread it if I were your DH I would say no way to this at all and keep it for my children.
the money went at the time it doesn’t exist anymore

It’s tricky but if you can’t afford £150k is there another sum you could gift? Is there absolutely nothing left from your dad’s estate? Then you could gift say £50k to make it closer to £100k for example

By the sounds of it you are better off than you would have been if you had put 2 of your children in school (which had been your plan before your second child was actually twins)

you’d planned to spend £200k on fees.
and haven’t had to.

so why, if you have the means, don’t you give your sister the £150k, half of the inheritance you essentially received.
it might not be a legal obligation, it might not be necessary at all, but you have the means and she’s your sister.

The amount of people telling OP to hand over £150k (!!!) like it's small change is ridiculous and KNOW none of them would do the same.

Their dad paid for his grandchilren's education. That money has been spent. There's nothing left, that's all there is to it.

I don’t think you owe her anything. She sounds mercenary. Your dad prioritised his grandchildren, meaning you both miss out on inheritance.

I completely understand your sister’s upset but I don’t think you should give her the money. It’s your father’s mistake, not yours.

This. My father has over the years made noises about gifting/leaving money in a way that would benefit me more. I am a single parent with a lower income than my sister who has a partner and no children. I have always shut that shit down immediately and insuated on fairness. I would never have agreed to OP's originall situation with the school fees.

Wow, what a thread. I'm with you OP, I can see why your sister is hurt but you dont appear to have much of relationship with her anyway. No way would I hand over my life savings, it's not up to you to make things fair.

I think the right thing would be to compensate your sister in some way, perhaps £100k as a gesture. Had you have only had two children you would have paid the school fees so I think this is a fair compromise. Legally there is little to be done but morally she has a right to something and it’s what your dad wanted.

@Lola2024 bit harsh, OP wouldn't have oversight of her father's money at the time he was paying the school fees and probably also thought that her sister would be in receipt of the same amount. Honestly people get bashed on threads like this for things beyond their control and for helping their children. Who could honestly stick their hand up and say that wouldn't give their child help if they had the financial means to do so.

Just a point…many people on this thread (me included) have said that her husbands inheritance/savings should be ringfenced and not spent on his SIL…but he has, in effect, spent hers.

Secondly, I agree with pps who have asked you not to be so passive in your decisions around schooling. You’ve almost made it sound like it was forced upon you by your dad. You wanted it, it was offered to you, you took it. Same with your husband, if he felt strongly enough about not going to private school he wouldn’t have accepted 300k to do exactly that.

None of this has happened to you by accident OP. You’ve seen this car crash coming for years. I can see why she is angry. It clearly has come as a surprise that there is no money left. At what point did you personally realise she would receive nothing?

I also find it telling that OP accepted 300‘000 total / 100‘000 for each child even though they could have afforded the schooling of 2 and simply struggled with the 3rd.

Seeing as they were clearly expecting to pay for private schooling of at least 2 children she essentially saved 200’000 k in fees, which she was free to save, spend, invest…

that was more than just a gift to the children but meant that OP and her DH profited directly!

I understand why OP’s DSis is upset tbh. It may not be due to greed (as some pp are suggesting) but simply due to feeling lesser / second best.

This is also a very good point.

But this was money you were going to spends if you hadn’t had three? So you are better off.
i think the whole thing of grandparents paying substantial sums for education of grandchildren is problematic in any event. No one has any idea what later life may bring, particularly in terms of care home fees which are huge and probably in London not much shy of a million if you end up living in one for 10 years which with the increase in dementia is becoming more and more likely for people.
what would have happened if he had lived much longer and ran out of cash? The taxpayer would then have picked up the payment because the money had been spent on your kids.