School fees and inheritance. I have my hard hat

[barenakedhazy]

I have 3 children, currently all at Uni. My sister is child free by choice.

11 years ago my husband and I sat down and did the maths about school fees for secondary school. We had planned to send our children privately but the youngest two were
twins and while affording 2 would have been possible, 3 wasn't. We were disappointed as we'd planned for this school, but instead started looking into moving house.

When we told my dad this he made us an offer. He'd recently sold his house to downsize to a small flat in an over 50s block and he was cash rich. He offered to pay for the kids to go to school. He felt really strongly about them going and this mattered to him- more than it mattered to us frankly. To ensure their education wouldn't be disrupted he paid the school for 7 years up front for each child. This was just over £100k each.

He then changed his will stipulating that my sister would get the first £300k of any inheritance, with the remainder split between us. (Look - before people start pulling this apart it was a lot more complicated and involved- this is just a simplified summary). He felt confident this wouldn't be a problem as he owned a property he'd paid £250k for and had another £200k left after paying the school fees, as well as a good pension for day to day living.

Over the next 10 years things weren't brilliant. In summary- flat was a terrible investment which cost £50k in 5 years for leasehold repairs and eventually sold for less than he bought it. There were some mistaken investments. He helped out his sister with a loan and she then died and our cousins were dreadful and said without a legal loan agreement they wouldn't repay from her estate. Finally there was a fall that hospitalised him and left him wheelchair bound and needing full time care.

My dad died 7 months ago and after over 5 years in a care home there was almost nothing left for an inheritance.

My sister and I are joint executors and she is furious. She says I got over £300k and she got nothing. She wants £150k off my husband and I to make it "fair".

I understand she's upset and do see how it seems wrong. However we weren't going to go the private school route as we couldn't afford it- this was something that mattered to my Dad and which he did for his grandchildren. I said I see it as a gift to his grandchildren- she says she's being punished for being child free.

I was sympathetic but she's been so bloody horrible that I'm at the stage of just telling her to get lost and never speaking to her again. She's made Dad's death all about money and seems more upset that there's no inheritance than the fact that he's died. She visited rarely and had nothing to do with setting up the care home or managing the fees- I had POA and did all of that. Now she wants his accounts audited and I'm so angry at the implication that I mismanaged things.

Anyway. AIBU to tell her that she's not getting £150k off us? We do have the money as we are both in well paid jobs and she's always struggled to find her niche which I think makes things harder. She lives alone and doesn't have a lot saved for retirement which has been worrying her, so I think some of this is because she was relying on dad's money. However if she'd have bothered to get involved in his care she'd have seen the situation in real time.

Your dad would have wanted to treat you both fairly. Infact, he believed that was what was going to happen. You had initially planned to send two to private school for £200k. Instead their eduction was free.

You have benefitted from you dads money because you had the luxury of knowing your children were at a good school. This would be slightly different if private school wasn't ever on your radar and your dad twisted your arm.

Your sister is worried about her future and you can afford to make it fair. She sounds awful but ultimately this is what your dad would have wanted. Many of us take the responsibility of caring for a parent but accept that we will be sharing an equal inheritance with sibling so take that out of the equation.

Is there a halfway house to be had? Put aside the money from DH's mum, and a chunk for some deposit (you don't have to give the whole deposit to each) and offer her a deposit as well? £50k for example?

Reading this with two sen kids in bog standard state school and seeing the difficulties they have and lack of support there, I think you are hugely underestimating the positive impact going to that school will have had on them. Good grades, good sport provision and uni feels like a pipe dream.

It was the fact that she dropped this in as soon as people started to say it was unfair. Then it became “but my sister’s a bitch, she did x and y” to make people say that she didn’t deserve the money.

OP talked about treating all three of her DCs equally. Well the dad should have done the same for his two DC. Would the OP give nothing to one of her DCs in the future if they didn’t make the life choices she approved of?

Your sister sounds very immature. Of course inheritance would be nice, but this day in age it’s not guaranteed, due to care costs. It’s disappointing, but it’s the reality we all face. Just because there is sadly no inheritance at the end of someone’s life, it doesn’t give beneficiaries the right to go through gifts that were given to grandchildren in the past and demand “compensation” from their parents.

You have had a great deal of money from your Dad. I think your sister deserves the extra as it was your Dads intention to make it up to her. If it was me I'd have no more to do with you. And as somebody else pointed out it was only your third child you couldn't afford to educate privately. But your Dad paid for all three.

What a complex picture. Legally you owe your sister nothing. Morally there are different ways to look at it. You personally didn’t gain, your children did. I’m therefore not sure you giving money to your sister is fair. However your dad never intended for this to be the outcome. As your savings are largely intended for your children perhaps there is some fairness in each of your children giving up a percentage of what they would have been given. I definitely don’t think you should give her £150000 but what could you give her that leaves something for the children?

The other thing to consider long term is the impact on your relationship. As you lose your parents, sibling relationships with links to the past become more valuable. Would a discussion about what you can afford allow you to maintain the relationship?

I think the point about a lot of your husbands savings contribution coming from his late mum is very relevant. Is it right to ask him to give up his inheritance to compensate your sister for the lack of hers? Would his mum have wanted that? Your sister is asking for your husband to mop up your dads mistake.

This is such a hard situation OP. At the end of the day, I think your Dad suspected your sis wouldn’t get her money, but prioritised your children. You were obviously the favourite child, and gave him grandchildren. He made his choices.

Mumsnet is usually the first to shout about people being “grabby” to expect inheritance, and whilst I appreciate the will stated the first 300k, if your Dad then made decisions that risked the inheritance he can’t have cared that much. He planned ahead to avoid gift tax for you, but shrugged his shoulders at her.

However you look at this your relationship with your sister is going to be damaged because of him. For what it’s worth, I might look at what your contribution to the savings is and give her that. Explain it isn’t right to offer your husband’s inheritance to cover hers, and you are offering all of YOUR money to help her.

At the end of the day though she isn’t entitled to your money and you shouldn’t have to give it. It’s shit, but it’s your Dads fault even if you may have unconsciously sailed along benefiting from it. She also sailed along expecting it to be handed to her.

‘she was relying on dad's money’.

There’s the rub.

Your father meant well by making an earlier provision for her in good faith.
It was no more than a provision from what he believed would be a good sized estate. It was not a contract or promise to pay.

The subsequent years since expressing his wishes saw his assets dwindle. Had he known how things would work out, he may have adjusted his will to reflect his financial reality. Just for completeness.

You have no moral or legal obligation to compensate your sister. None.
She has made her life choices & financial decisions. She is where she is & living off any future inheritance is a folly many follow.

You did your best for your father.
My condolences for your loss.

I had some sympathy for the op before reading the updates. She’s clearly in the ‘I’ve worked hard for everything, no one helped me’ camp and oblivious to the good luck and generosity that helped her get to where she is.

Your kids, including their schooling, are your responsibility, not your dad’s and definitely not your sister’s. Even if you treat it as an interest free loan and give your sister the £150k, you still benefitted massively. Without your dad paying for the school fees you would not have had this amount of savings.

Your dad was maybe a bit shortsighted when he made the will and maybe too unwell to change it afterwards. But you have the chance to put this right.

However, it seems you have already decided not to share the inheritance with your sister and are trying to justify it to yourself.

Nope. At the time he gifted the money, he had a lot of money left over which he’d planned to give to his daughters.

"I wasn't directly benefitting - we weren't buying a bigger house and going on flash holidays."

But you were directly benefiting because you had the money for 7 years where you had planned to pay school fees for 2 children (leaving aside the extra "surprise" child) instead of having to pay for it.

I would feel uncomfortable if I was the only child to have benefited from an inheritance, when the parent's clear intention was that both sibs should have benefited, and I had loads of spare cash around.

Given that your plan had been to pay at least £200k for school fees (albeit not upfront), and you didn't need to, what have you done with the money?

Your comments that she should have seen how things were going equally apply to you - at the point where your dad ended up having to sell his "income property" at a massive loss, and care home fees were eating up his savings, you never thought "Hmmm, sister isn't going to have much of the intended £300k, is she?". I suspect that thought didn't enter your head, because you were doing fine.

Legally, you don't owe your sister anything, but you are likely to lose your relationship with your sister over this - is it worth it?

You would not have that 150k lying around if you had to pay the school fees yourself. You should give her the 150k. I am surprised you feel otherwise. Unless she was terrible to your dad. If he still intended for her to get something if he had any money, I would give it to her. Geez.

I'm sorry for your loss. I think the key point you made was she visited her dad rarely. Therefore why should she deserve anything? You did the bulk of the care

Your dad prioritised paying private care, realising it was a risk that caring costs could swallow it all up. Your sister wasn’t on the ground at all for him so failed to see this. I’m sure it gave him great joy to see his grandkids educated privately if that was his strong wish.

Your sister is as angry with herself as she is with you: life didn’t work out as she had planned and she may have made choices re saving or spending based on £150K coming her way.

I wouldn’t do anything. All this was done openly and his reduced circumstances were clear to all if visited. It doesn’t sound like you were very close anyhow.

I'm in two minds with this situation. On the one hand, I can your sisters point of view and she has no inheritance. On the other hand, it was your dads money to do as he wished whilst he was alive. It's not any of your sisters business how your dad chooses to spend his money. He could have given it all to charity instead and there couldn't be a single thing anyone could do.

In some ways, you have indirectly benefitted from your children receiving this funding. Perhaps you could offer £60k to your sister to keep the peace and to salvage the relationship. I've calculated that as £300k divided 5 ways. 3 parts to the grand children, 1 part to her and 1 part to you. Although if she's looking for £150k and you offer £60k, I don't think she'll be happy either way.

You can't rewrite history.
Decisions that were made at the time were based on the circumstances and if they are unfair in hindsight so be it. The financial ship sailed at the time the money was spent in accordance with your father's wishes.
Your sister had the opportunity to see and assess the financial climate and protect her inheritance for over 10 years, but instead she left it up to you and her dad.
Her dad failed her, not you.

It sounds like the real situation is that there is NOTHING left of Grandad's estate now and both OP & sister will get NOTHING from his estate.

Would £300k be left now if Grand-dad had never paid it out those many years ago?
£300k PLUS accrued interest ?

Is that the basis of her logic asking for £150k now?

Yes I agree with this, your dad would have wanted her to have it I think.

You wanted your children to go to private school and they went.

I find it really odd that you don't see this as you directly benefiting.

How much was the loan to the cousins/ aunt. At the moment, your sister is bearing 100% of the burden of your dad bad financial decisions, whereas your burden only kicks in at 300k. So you aren’t exposed, she is fully exposed.

Whatever the loan was ( which could potentially reasonably be recouped, but won’t be), then offer half of that. Then you both truly bear the loss of your cousins awfulness. Then you are in sisterhood against these cousins.

If he wanted her to have it he would have given her it at the same time he paid the school fees, he obviously wanted to hold on to the money until death because he knew he might need it, and he did. You would be a fool to give money earmarked for your children’s house deposits to your sister, if you were my parent I wouldn’t forgive you for that.

Don’t give her the money.

You should never anything as an inheritance due to situations exactly like this. Your father made a choice to pay school fees, not you.

If you had asked him for the money for school fees I would say you should pay your sister.

It sounds like your sister has been seen as a disappointment to your dad her whole life. I am guessing this is about so much more than money its about her feeling like she was valued too.

I do understand about the deposits but as the kids benefited already could you share the money 50% to your sister and the rest between the kids? Lots of parents downsize to help with deposits and there is plenty of time if they are all at uni now. They don’t have to immediately buy and most people want to try living in house shares and try different areas etc.

If the same scenario happened to your twins what would you think and would you want to resolve it?

The bit that stands out to me, is you don’t have £300k and never did. Your dad bought education for your kids but didn’t give you the money with a free choice what to do with it. Your dh hasn’t had the advantages you and your sister had in way of private education but he’s the one who’s managed to build savings for his own retirement or to pay for house deposits for his dcs, but now might need to give them to his SIL to compensate for his FILs poor financial choices.

If your dad hasn’t prepaid for schools, would he have potentially wasted the money some other way seeing that he’s blown through £550k with poor investments and loans to family that turned into gifts? You’ll never know.

your 3 dcs are all adults. Your adult children benefited from your dads money, your cousins benefited from your dads money, but given you and dh had agreed you couldn’t afford to go private so wouldn’t, both you and your sister have equally not got anything. You didn’t save £300k because you never would have spent it. In the same way your sister hasn’t saved £xk he gave your aunt because she wouldn’t have given that money if he hadn’t.

If anyone owes her money, it’s your kids and cousins. Not your dh anyway.