School fees and inheritance. I have my hard hat

[barenakedhazy]

I have 3 children, currently all at Uni. My sister is child free by choice.

11 years ago my husband and I sat down and did the maths about school fees for secondary school. We had planned to send our children privately but the youngest two were
twins and while affording 2 would have been possible, 3 wasn't. We were disappointed as we'd planned for this school, but instead started looking into moving house.

When we told my dad this he made us an offer. He'd recently sold his house to downsize to a small flat in an over 50s block and he was cash rich. He offered to pay for the kids to go to school. He felt really strongly about them going and this mattered to him- more than it mattered to us frankly. To ensure their education wouldn't be disrupted he paid the school for 7 years up front for each child. This was just over £100k each.

He then changed his will stipulating that my sister would get the first £300k of any inheritance, with the remainder split between us. (Look - before people start pulling this apart it was a lot more complicated and involved- this is just a simplified summary). He felt confident this wouldn't be a problem as he owned a property he'd paid £250k for and had another £200k left after paying the school fees, as well as a good pension for day to day living.

Over the next 10 years things weren't brilliant. In summary- flat was a terrible investment which cost £50k in 5 years for leasehold repairs and eventually sold for less than he bought it. There were some mistaken investments. He helped out his sister with a loan and she then died and our cousins were dreadful and said without a legal loan agreement they wouldn't repay from her estate. Finally there was a fall that hospitalised him and left him wheelchair bound and needing full time care.

My dad died 7 months ago and after over 5 years in a care home there was almost nothing left for an inheritance.

My sister and I are joint executors and she is furious. She says I got over £300k and she got nothing. She wants £150k off my husband and I to make it "fair".

I understand she's upset and do see how it seems wrong. However we weren't going to go the private school route as we couldn't afford it- this was something that mattered to my Dad and which he did for his grandchildren. I said I see it as a gift to his grandchildren- she says she's being punished for being child free.

I was sympathetic but she's been so bloody horrible that I'm at the stage of just telling her to get lost and never speaking to her again. She's made Dad's death all about money and seems more upset that there's no inheritance than the fact that he's died. She visited rarely and had nothing to do with setting up the care home or managing the fees- I had POA and did all of that. Now she wants his accounts audited and I'm so angry at the implication that I mismanaged things.

Anyway. AIBU to tell her that she's not getting £150k off us? We do have the money as we are both in well paid jobs and she's always struggled to find her niche which I think makes things harder. She lives alone and doesn't have a lot saved for retirement which has been worrying her, so I think some of this is because she was relying on dad's money. However if she'd have bothered to get involved in his care she'd have seen the situation in real time.

Do you really say that OP's father would expect her to take her husband's inheritance and give it to her sister instead of helping her own children with special needs to get a home?

It is a strange assumption.

You and your husband didn't receive a cash gift from your Dad or get any monetary value from your children's gift.

We have small fraction of the money and assets that OP & DH have, and certainly nobody in the family who could afford private school for any of the children; but nevertheless, we don't feed our DS on bread and water, give him a cardboard box under the sink to sleep in or let him walk around in rags.

Do most parents who do send their children to private school expect to benefit monetarily themselves from it? Or do they benefit from the knowledge that they are helping the people they love most in the world, giving them amazing opportunities, hopefully a prosperous career ahead and setting them up for life?

Even in our much, much less wealthy circumstances, we feel an enormous benefit and reward in everything that we can do to help our DS get ahead in life by spending time and money with/on him. We might not gain monetarily, but it's absolutely not purely altruistic - like it might have been if we'd had him dropped on us for us to look after; we chose to have somebody to pour our love and a great deal of our resources into, and to continue the family line and make us proud whilst we are still alive and afterwards - and, in return, to derive huge pleasure from.

Surely this is the motivation of the vast, vast majority of parents - however wealthy and/or privileged they are? Don't tell me that how well my child's life plays out is of no benefit whatsoever to me.

I get that this sounds ridiculously privileged to some but honestly how many of you would genuinely pass up the opportunity to help all 3 of your children buy houses under these circumstances?

Your Dad had that same desire to help both of his children but he doesn't get a chance now.

A big update from the OP is that most of the savings they have are actually the result of her DH's inheritance.

We can talk about honouring the father's intent to be fair to both the OP and her sister, but following that principle what about the intentions of the persons bequests to her DH?

Wpuld they have left that money knowing it would be given to the OP's sister?

The whole situation is a mess and I genuinely don't think there is any good outcome here.

The school fees can't be unspent.

The OP doesn't have £150k of her money to gift.

The lack of communication about money with the sister is unfortunate to say the least but it probably wouldn't have made a material difference as care fees needed to be paid and poor financial decisions by the father done and dusted.

You did directly benefit from your father paying £300k in school fees. Regardless of whether you wouldn’t have sent them, it has allowed you the privilege of sending your children to a much wanted school and saving. You also have pensions, and a house with only five years left on the mortgage compared to your sister who has nothing. Saying that, why does it have to be all or nothing? 150k is a lot of money, but can’t you offer your sister a portion of your savings? 50k? 75k? That is still a big lump sump and still leaves you with savings. Your kids could still have house deposits but smaller - seems like a fair compromise.

It's interesting, because in at least one post, OP refers to the money as "my life savings"; but then in other (convenient) places, it's her DH's money/earnings/inheritance - not hers.

Which is it; it can't be both?

Well, I don't think you owe your sister.

Your df gave money to his dc to ensure they had the life experience he wanted them to have. It's a shame that there's no inheritance left, but that isn't your doing. The money your df gave is spent, gone, in the way he directed.

While I have sympathy for your dsis being worried about her pension, she was never entitled to an inheritance. There is no way I would give my dc's house deposit away to my dsis.

I would never have accepted that much money from my Dad in the first place if I had siblings. What he did was very unfair.

I would honour the spirit of your father’s intentions and his desire for your sister to be looked after. Obviously the £300K has now been spent but you can still pay for any major medical or house repair costs that your sister has. Take care of her as your father would have done if he was still alive.

I understand why she is so angry. She is probably terrified of not having anything behind her in old age with no children to support her.

I think you should give her some money - I’m not sure how much. Your dad‘s intentions were that she should get some inheritance.

It seems in pretty bad taste that you keep saying your "dad's poor decisions" when your family benefitted to the tune of 300k.

You have said that you weren't intending to send your kids to private school but you literally starred the thread by saying that you saved for them to go but twins meant you hadn't saved enough.

It sounds like sending 2 would have cost you 200k fifteen plus years ago. I think you should give your sister the 150k which is a lot less than it would have been 15 years ago.

To say you "didn't benefit" is a joke and I'm not surprised that your sister is angry.

I haven’t RTFT.

I think your sister is deranged as is anyone who expects a bequeathment.

1. Don’t rely on people leaving you shit when they die.
2. when someone dies, they can do whatever the fuck they want with their money.
3. refer rule 1.

I understand why your sister is angry and upset. From her perspective it seems she has been treated unfairly. She may have gone through life feeling she was the less favoured child and this may be rubbing it in even further, I don't know.

However I think her anger is misdirected at you.

You chose to accept the school fees from your father in the belief that your sister would eventually get more from his estate. It is not your fault that did not happen. Anyone whose parent goes into a care home must realize that their potential inheritance is affected by that and you say she had access to that information. This could have been avoided by your father giving her money at the same time as you got it but you can't change that now and I don't think it is up to you to make things even now. Yes, if you could afford to it would be a nice thing to do, but if the only way you could do it is to use your husband's inheritance or your joint finances that he doesn't agree to use in that way, then you can't afford to.

Effectively, as other posters said, your father skipped a generation with his estate by everything going to his grandchildren during his lifetime rather than his children after his death. It didn't go to you, though you have benefitted via the advantages it brought your children and being able to use money you may have used for school fees for other things, yes I know you said you wouldn't have paid for private school fees yourself. Equally you appear to have provided more care and support in your father's last years than your sister did from what you say. Some people find it unfair that the kids who do not fulfill a caregiving role for their parents are often treated equally in terms of inheritance to those who did. You could go round in circles about whether treating people equally is the same as treating them fairly!

No, but it's quite convenient if you're in a position whereby you can tell somebody else that they can't expect a bean of inheritance, although you personally/your family just happened to get a small fortune - especially if you're siblings.

Gosh, you played your dad well didn't you. Having the 'woe is us' conversation JUST when he became cash rich 🙄

But nothing but judgement towards your sister despite knowing there'd be nothing going her way. Must have been such relief that you'd 'got in' when you did.

You were never going to be 'fair' in any way. You bilked, you benefitted and your sister lost out. My guess is that you felt that she was the 'favourite' when you were younger so are loving this now. Either way, it's a really mean way to get back at her, your husband who took money from your father is just as bad, and I'd say any relationship you had is over.

I’d just give her the money. Not worth falling out over.

What a horrid situation, money always creates such a rift in families. One should never assume that there will be money to inherit, care homes often eat up all families inheritance. Your father should never have put you both in this position but I can see that he was trying to help you out and it wasn't intentional favouritism. But from your sister's point of view, it will feel like that.
Personally, I would give her as much money as you comfortably can. £150K is unreasonable, but would £50K be possible? Yes, it might mean that you won't be able to give your children the best start with housing but they have had the best start in education. If she doesn't accept £50K then withdraw the offer.

If your Dad hadn’t used the money for fees it may well have gone on poor investments and loans to relatives like the rest of it.
There is no guarantee there would have been anything left.

Your sister is struggling financially, insecure in her future and alone.

You are VERY comfortable (apparently you have 150k of spare cash, which makes you way wealthier than the average person in the UK).

You could help her. You could make a phenomenal, fundamental difference to the rest of her life. You could change her reality from worrying alone each night about her future to having the heads pace to live her life.

Regardless of the reasons why or wherefore, if you are in a position to, why would you not do that for your sister?

Your dads wishes were for it to be equal.

You budgeted for 2 kids. You should have said at the time you would split the cost anyway!

Sorry I think yabu and I never say that on these inheritance threads.

It’s just one of those unfortunate situations. Inheritance makes people feel so entitled. I wouldn’t be giving her any money: in the nicest way it’s not your problem to solve

I don't think you owe your sister any money personally. Your father made financial decisions. They didn't all work out. Such is life. She shouldn't be angry at you for the fact that the estate had dwindled to nothing by then.thats just bad luck.

There's no way I'd be handing over life savings, esp not ones from DH.

I really feel for your sister. It sounds like her life choices have been criticised throughout her life and yours have been favoured.

maybe she didn’t visit as much as maybe she knew the money was going and she didn’t feel valued by your dad?

as others have said your children have already had amazing privilege they don’t need deposits from you. But ultimately it’s your choice.

this actually reminds me of my family situation. My brother is probably more like your sister, made life choices which has seen him keeping all his money for travelling/fun and relying on our parents to pay his way. They have changed their will to fully favour him as I am doing so well in my career. I don’t have the same disposable cash as he does and I work hard long hours in a high stress corporate job but I own my home. he Is the golden child, like how you sound in all fairness. Can you see the similarities? You needed the money for school, he needs the money for his home. Both don’t need it, you don’t need to send your children to private school, he doesn’t need the money to travel extensively and could buy a house. I don’t care what my parents spend the money on as it’s their money, but their position on fully favouring him makes me sad and I admit I did distance myself for a while to protect myself.

I think if you spoke to your sister this would likely be more about how she feels, I’m sure you could talk to her about your situation and come to an agreement

I don't think you owe her anything. You could be very generous, but you don't have an obligation to be.

You could keep the savings you have from partner's inheritance and give the rest to your sister. That would at least be something, and more in line with what your dad intended. She may want more - maybe you could go to some sort of mediation??