School fees and inheritance. I have my hard hat

[barenakedhazy]

I have 3 children, currently all at Uni. My sister is child free by choice.

11 years ago my husband and I sat down and did the maths about school fees for secondary school. We had planned to send our children privately but the youngest two were
twins and while affording 2 would have been possible, 3 wasn't. We were disappointed as we'd planned for this school, but instead started looking into moving house.

When we told my dad this he made us an offer. He'd recently sold his house to downsize to a small flat in an over 50s block and he was cash rich. He offered to pay for the kids to go to school. He felt really strongly about them going and this mattered to him- more than it mattered to us frankly. To ensure their education wouldn't be disrupted he paid the school for 7 years up front for each child. This was just over £100k each.

He then changed his will stipulating that my sister would get the first £300k of any inheritance, with the remainder split between us. (Look - before people start pulling this apart it was a lot more complicated and involved- this is just a simplified summary). He felt confident this wouldn't be a problem as he owned a property he'd paid £250k for and had another £200k left after paying the school fees, as well as a good pension for day to day living.

Over the next 10 years things weren't brilliant. In summary- flat was a terrible investment which cost £50k in 5 years for leasehold repairs and eventually sold for less than he bought it. There were some mistaken investments. He helped out his sister with a loan and she then died and our cousins were dreadful and said without a legal loan agreement they wouldn't repay from her estate. Finally there was a fall that hospitalised him and left him wheelchair bound and needing full time care.

My dad died 7 months ago and after over 5 years in a care home there was almost nothing left for an inheritance.

My sister and I are joint executors and she is furious. She says I got over £300k and she got nothing. She wants £150k off my husband and I to make it "fair".

I understand she's upset and do see how it seems wrong. However we weren't going to go the private school route as we couldn't afford it- this was something that mattered to my Dad and which he did for his grandchildren. I said I see it as a gift to his grandchildren- she says she's being punished for being child free.

I was sympathetic but she's been so bloody horrible that I'm at the stage of just telling her to get lost and never speaking to her again. She's made Dad's death all about money and seems more upset that there's no inheritance than the fact that he's died. She visited rarely and had nothing to do with setting up the care home or managing the fees- I had POA and did all of that. Now she wants his accounts audited and I'm so angry at the implication that I mismanaged things.

Anyway. AIBU to tell her that she's not getting £150k off us? We do have the money as we are both in well paid jobs and she's always struggled to find her niche which I think makes things harder. She lives alone and doesn't have a lot saved for retirement which has been worrying her, so I think some of this is because she was relying on dad's money. However if she'd have bothered to get involved in his care she'd have seen the situation in real time.

Are you talking about OP or her sister? Both privately educated.

I presume you aren't blaming OP's children's here.

The Op said in her initial post that she was always going to send her children privately but then couldn't afford to when she had twins. Later on this changed to she was never going to send them privately . I think that was when she started to get answers she didn't like.
I think its obvious she has benefitted from the money her father paid for school fees. Sadly I think she will convince herself her sister is the greedy one and do nothing to remedy the situation

"partly due to dad not really hiding his disappointment." Scapegoating.

There was no money left.

OP I can see that you are responding and taking comments on board. Please can you clarify - you say that your sister absolutely knew the situation and was aware of various financially bad decisions occurring. I’m still puzzled as to why you hadn’t had this conversation with her before he died? Why did you not explicitly say to her ‘so this means dads will isn’t going to work out, what shall we do about that?’ I have a sister and a (currently) wealthy dad, although it may yet get spent on care home fees. My sister and I have different family sizes and different finances but we are scrupulous about what is fair with any gifts my dad has given. We speak up for each other and I can’t imagine not doing that.

OP said once they had twins, they realised they couldn't afford private school so decided against it.

They were going to spend £0 on school fees. That's exactly how much they saved on them.

You can't give someone a gift then demand they pay half of it.

Think of it this way. If you sort this out fairly with your sister, you can't afford to help your kids out with big house deposits. But the private school has given them a massive boost that will set them up well in life. You have helped them by accepting your Dad's gift.

You have decent pensions, a house nearly paid off and some savings left. Focus on what you do have and do the right thing.

I'm still a little meh at the forced to send the children to private school, manipulated into sending the children to private school, didn't really want to, but daddy made me send the children to private school. He offered you £300,000 worth of education and you chose to take it, then chose to (understandably) take an easier trope because you no longer had to find that money. Ultimately you owe your sister nothing, and if you choose to go no contact with her, fair, as others have said, an inheritance is never guaranteed, and she's spent her life obviously relying on it coming- that's on her. I think, personally, it would be morally 'right' (for me) that you maybe offered her £50,000 given that you were willing to spend £200000 on education, and your dad saved you that. But ultimately it also sounds like you don't like her very much, so cut ties and move on

I think I agree with this actually. OP did benefit from the gift of private school but it was a long time ago and OP and her DH have made several financial decisions which they would have made differently if they expected to give away £150k.

I think if it was one of my sisters (who I like) I would do everything I could to help but where the sister is being angry and confrontational I would be inclined to walk away.

I firmly believe nobody is owed anything from their parents and you should never rely on inheritance.

Having said that OP I think you were naive to assume your sister would have realized. You probably should have updated her as soon as you understood the situation yourself.

They'd have gone to state school, been fine and DH and I would have made exactly the same financial decisions we've made until now because we WERE NOT PLANNING ON PAYING SCHOOL FEES.
and

We had planned to send our children privately but the youngest two were twins and while affording 2 would have been possible, 3 wasn't. We were disappointed as we'd planned for this school

Ok so you weren't planning on paying THREE lots of schools fees but were planning on paying TWO lots of school fees.

I thought this thread was going to be another VAT one (will schools have to charge VAT on dad's inheritance?) 😂 Bit of a twist here.

You talk like you were forced against your will to send your children to private school. You could have said no. It's disingenuous to say/imply you did not save money or benefit from that money, because you did. You gave your children a private school education without it costing you anything. So it is very understandable that your sister is upset that she was led to believe that she would receive money too at a later time.

However, it is not your responsibility to put this right. But it's still shit for her, and the least you can do is not deny that your family benefited from your father's money.

How was he even able to pay for 7 years of fees upfront anyway? The school wouldn't have known what their fees were going to be that far in advance.

It wasn't the sort of school that sets you up for life. It helped them get good grades and they were happy and got good SEN support, but there are thousands of other young people with similar qualifications. DH and I aren't able to call wealthy friends and get them jobs- they're in the same job market as everyone else.

The school did really help the youngest two (premature, health and learning disabilities) but what if the world of work isn't so forgiving?

Over 50% of first time buyers get help from parents. That percentage increases every year. I hate that home ownership is becoming unaffordable if you don't have parents who can help with the deposit - but also I'm a parent who could help her children.
DH feels very strongly about helping them with housing. And a lot of our savings are from his late mum.

I get that this sounds ridiculously privileged to some but honestly how many of you would genuinely pass up the opportunity to help all 3 of your children buy houses under these circumstances?

OP, you do not under ANY circumstances get to give your sister family money because of your sisters perceived injustice.
Your father chose to pay for his grandchildren education because he wanted them to go to this school.
The money has skipped a generation.
Your children are the sole benefactors of your fathers estate.
I can well understand your sisters annoyance but it should be with your controlling father who didn't really approve of her life choices and prioritised his grandchildren education ahead of giving her some early inheritance.
He did pay for rehab for her.
You do not get to dip into joint family savings to compensate for your father's poor decision making.
I can understand your sisters disappointment.

I would give her the money.

You are at risk of losing your sister.

One day, your life may come crashing down around you, things change in a heartbeat and life is too short to be mean spirited.

You would have paid school fees if you had had not had twins. You've saved one lot of school fees, which in turn has contributed to you being able to build up savings.

This is something your sister will likely never recover from. His will clearly indicated that he wanted things to be equal. It would be a no brainier to give my sister the money, but then I do love her and wouldn’t want anything (especially not money) coming between us.

I'm team sister here. You said in hindsight your dad would want it to be fair, you have the chance to do that now. I'm sure your privately educated, university children will be fine, they've already had a great leg up.

Your fathers wishes were clear: your sister was to be treated equitably.

He stepped up when you couldn’t afford schooling and made a considered decision believing he would have enough to even the balance in his estate.

If you were to take the spirit of your Fathers generosity then yes, if you can now afford it then I would be hard pressed to say no to levelling the situation.

Everything else you have said is noise from the facts. Yes it’s terrible your cousins refused to repay the loan (please tell me you see the irony here - your Father essentially forwarded your inheritance to you) and it hurts that your sister appears fixated on the finances however when you are left with an estate, it can feel that one’s worth and how much they were loved and favoured is measurable in fiscal and material bequests.

I am sorry for your loss and for the heartache with your sibling.

I think I would perhaps have the accounts audited, to put to bed any underlying suspicion your sister has about funds being misappropriated. I am positive they haven’t be, but she needs that reassurance.

I would then have a very, very frank discussion - the 3 of you - based on the audit findings. I think I would also explain that this is your life savings & that a portion of it is your DH inheritance. I think if there is some sort of sun that can make her life slightly easier, you could consider it. But think long and hard.

I would also consider using some of that £150k to purchase a property now for your DC to rent off you whilst at uni. By the time you split some of the sun 3 ways in 10yrs time it will not buy a bicycle. Make the money work hard now. Maybe you already are.

Your dad presumably believed when he died your sister would be equal in terms of what she would get.

The fact it's all disappeared due to poor judgement is terrible for all involved including your dad.

It's shit for your sister.

If you can afford to pay towards your 3; children having their own houses surely you can afford to give your sister the money.
Seems mean to me and not at all what your dad would have wanted.
Also why do you keep saying you assumed she knew the financial situation when you had POA and never told her anything?

Why did you do an AIBU? You aren't going to help your sister are you. It's not what your Dad would have wanted but there isn't anything he can do about that now.

It's sad that you aren't even thinking of giving her something. Even £50k would be a help.

What you could do is stop trying to paint your sister as the unreasonable one. She's been treated horribly.