School fees and inheritance. I have my hard hat

[barenakedhazy]

I have 3 children, currently all at Uni. My sister is child free by choice.

11 years ago my husband and I sat down and did the maths about school fees for secondary school. We had planned to send our children privately but the youngest two were
twins and while affording 2 would have been possible, 3 wasn't. We were disappointed as we'd planned for this school, but instead started looking into moving house.

When we told my dad this he made us an offer. He'd recently sold his house to downsize to a small flat in an over 50s block and he was cash rich. He offered to pay for the kids to go to school. He felt really strongly about them going and this mattered to him- more than it mattered to us frankly. To ensure their education wouldn't be disrupted he paid the school for 7 years up front for each child. This was just over £100k each.

He then changed his will stipulating that my sister would get the first £300k of any inheritance, with the remainder split between us. (Look - before people start pulling this apart it was a lot more complicated and involved- this is just a simplified summary). He felt confident this wouldn't be a problem as he owned a property he'd paid £250k for and had another £200k left after paying the school fees, as well as a good pension for day to day living.

Over the next 10 years things weren't brilliant. In summary- flat was a terrible investment which cost £50k in 5 years for leasehold repairs and eventually sold for less than he bought it. There were some mistaken investments. He helped out his sister with a loan and she then died and our cousins were dreadful and said without a legal loan agreement they wouldn't repay from her estate. Finally there was a fall that hospitalised him and left him wheelchair bound and needing full time care.

My dad died 7 months ago and after over 5 years in a care home there was almost nothing left for an inheritance.

My sister and I are joint executors and she is furious. She says I got over £300k and she got nothing. She wants £150k off my husband and I to make it "fair".

I understand she's upset and do see how it seems wrong. However we weren't going to go the private school route as we couldn't afford it- this was something that mattered to my Dad and which he did for his grandchildren. I said I see it as a gift to his grandchildren- she says she's being punished for being child free.

I was sympathetic but she's been so bloody horrible that I'm at the stage of just telling her to get lost and never speaking to her again. She's made Dad's death all about money and seems more upset that there's no inheritance than the fact that he's died. She visited rarely and had nothing to do with setting up the care home or managing the fees- I had POA and did all of that. Now she wants his accounts audited and I'm so angry at the implication that I mismanaged things.

Anyway. AIBU to tell her that she's not getting £150k off us? We do have the money as we are both in well paid jobs and she's always struggled to find her niche which I think makes things harder. She lives alone and doesn't have a lot saved for retirement which has been worrying her, so I think some of this is because she was relying on dad's money. However if she'd have bothered to get involved in his care she'd have seen the situation in real time.

It is clear that your father intended you both the inherit equally from his estate. Everything you have written is noise to make you feel better about keeping the money. If one of your children did that to their siblings would you really be ok with that? Decent human beings don't need to be asked to do the right thing. Do you think your father would be proud of you? or turning in his grave?

Given the fact that you've posted this up in quite some detail and been quite prepared to take some flak I think you know that your sister has some justification in being upset.

I don't think inheritances are ever about the money, it's about the fairness and how it feels when someone you're meant to be equal with got more than you from someone you thought loved you equally, particularly when it's life changing amounts.

Your dad's intentions was to treat you both equally and you get the benefit of a wonderful education for your children that they will hopefully benefit from forever.

Surely the only moral position is to get to a number with your sister and redress the balance.

Firstly, your dhs inheritance is for your children. I wouldn’t consider giving a penny of that to your sister, if my husband suggested similar it would put a huge strain on our marriage.
if your dad hadn’t given you the money, and kept it, it sounds like it would have gone with the rest of his savings and there would be no inheritance for anyone. But your sister will never forgive you. What are the chances she stays in your life anyway? They sound medium at best. I’d weigh up the answer I could sleep with and consider giving her half the non Dh inheritance savings. That’s all.

This wouldn’t even be a question for me. I try to put the shoe in the other foot a wonder how I would feel if the roles were reversed. I would give her between 50-75k or whatever I could actually afford. I’m sure my mother wouldn’t be happy if I didn’t compensate my sis if I could.

OP, you have said yourself that the school was life changing for at least one of your children. That’s quite a gift - on balance, probably one you can’t really put a price on in the long term. It must be hard for your sister to see that a life changing opportunity has been given to you/your children as a result of your fathers estate, but not her.

Not sure why people keep saying that the DF gave the money to the grandchildren. If it had been given to them they would have had a choice over how and when it was spent. It is unlikely they would have chosen to spend it on school. It was given to the OP who, as one poster upthread stated. only needed 100k as they have planned for two children at private school. The OP has benefited by avoiding the financial burden of funding her children's education.

You don't need a hard hat, you need a heart OP.

It is very clear to me - your dad could have taken that $300k and done anything he wanted (holidays, fast cars, fast women, model trains!) and it would have been gone and neither she nor you would get anything from it. Instead he set up his will to make it fair to your sister to get the first $300k in exchange for paying for your children’s education. There is not a first $300k so it’s just hard luck to her and it is unfortunate. Do not give her $150k.

He could have just paid for the kids education and not stipulated a “fairness” clause in the will but he did and now there isn’t enough money. It’s not great but it’s the facts and there is no need to “repay” her because it isn’t your debt to repay. You could spend a $1000 or so and get legal advice but I think you could just stay firm and it be a no.

Your dh’s inheritance should be ring fenced for your children. His savings should also not go to your sister. I think you should work out appropriately how much of your joint savings are “yours” and offer to gift her what you can afford. Your dad paid for rehab and a house deposit for her so she’s not actually due £150K. Try to reach a compromise with her. If she isn’t happy with that then you will have to walk away.

So it's win win win for you and your children and your sister ends up with nothing.

Of course you know perfectly well that your father intended that.she should have her share of his estate. You should not overrule his wishes. He loved his daughter as much as he loved you. He would probably have seen it that your children have had their inheritance via a very expensive private education. He provided for your sister too. He likely died pleased that both his children would benefit from his estate. He could never have foreseen that one wouldn't get a penny.

Sorry, this isn't on you and certainly not on your husband to make right. Your Dad set this up. It was his money and his wishes. Like hell should you pressure your DH to give money to your deadbeat sister whom you barely see. Life isn't fair. Your Dad could have ensured your sister got a cut and he didn't. She can be as cross as she likes.

I see both sides here but think about how your father might feel if he knew that was going to be his only 300K.

Your family has benefitted hugely whereas your sister who already seems to have struggled in life has got nothing.

I would give your sister something. Maybe not the full amount but at least half of it.

Exactky this. I’m surprised more people haven’t picked up on it.

OP frankly ask yourself what answer are you looking for.

I’d be really hurt and upset if I were your sister.

I also think you are being very insincere. You wanted to send your kids to that school and ultimately taking your dad s money and putting them in that school was up to you as legal guardian. To call your dad manipulative for gifting your family £300k is interesting to put it mildly. Your kids had the benefit of a private education. My number one goal is educating my kids if someone paid for it it would be a huge gift to me as their mother.

At the point in time your dad gifted you that money it seems he intended to split his estate between his two children. He didn’t at that point have any idea of what was to come. His intention was 50:50.

There are lots of ways you can argue this. But it’s hard to not to see where your sister is coming from.

If you have the money you should give it to her. It's the right thing to do.
You say you didn't care if your kids were privately educated or not, but you did take the money.
If you didn't have it, it would be different, but you essentially took your half of 300K early for your kids' education.
And she deserves her half of that - whether she has kids or not or how well she's done in life is irrelevant.

That really is a tricky one, OP. I can definitely see her side and I do think your father should have given her some money at the time, rather than holding it all over until he died. Whether or not you wanted private schooling for the children, you probably did reap financial benefit in saving on a lot of costs you may have otherwise had if they needed additional supports the public school couldn’t provide. However, $150k is also a huge chunk of your savings and I can understand not wanting to part with it all, given you don’t know what’s around the corner. I think I’d validate my sister’s emotions, apologise for the impact on her, and then give her an amount that doesn’t strip your savings so significantly. Noting you have the 150k available, I’d offer 75. At worst I’d offer 50, I wouldn’t be able to sleep well if I didn’t offer something.

His wishes appear to have been 50:50. He’d no idea of what was to come.

OP, you sound incredibly selfish. You opened the thread by suggesting you’d saved enough for two kids to have a private education but were £100k short for the third to go. You then say if your father had offered you your £300k, you probably wouldn’t have paid for your children’s education - despite saying this was such a phenomenal experience for them.

So dad wouldn’t give you your inheritance that you didn’t really want to spend on a fantastic education for your children, but in order to make sure your family had your share whilst it was available, you agree to take it in the form of school fees for YOUR kids.

Your sister didn’t have the luxury or option of taking her share then but your dad clearly wanted her to have £300k. He wasn’t being cruel about her difficulties and lack of husband. He recognised she was just as worthy of his help as your family had been and wanted her to have an equal share.

Knowing that your dads money was dwindling, you chose not to point out to your dad or sister that she’d get nothing in inheritance as you presumed she would know and felt it wasn’t your job, despite you being the one with POA.

You try to discredit your sister by saying she didn’t visit often but given she lived 350 miles away and has no one to share costs with, of course she would be around much. If she’s been made to feel as pushed out as you’d have her feel now, she probably found it difficult to be around you and your dad.

Your children have had a great education but if they grow up thinking this is how you treat a sibling, maybe they won’t be the happy, close-knit family you’d hope. Would you want them to treat their siblings like this?

You say your sister has been rude but quite frankly, I’d be rude if my dad had died 7 months ago and my sister (whose family benefitted hugely from dad’s inheritance) had still not offered a penny in evening things up.

You may see this as just a thing between you and your sister but you’re really dishonouring your father and his wishes. A decent daughter wouldn’t do that, unless they were greedy.

You took advantage of your fathers generosity with no consideration of the consequences for your sister because it suited you to do so. Anyone with half a brain would see this problem coming a mile off.

You should compensate your sister. She must feel dreadfully hurt.

The decent, not greedy, thing you should have done is to accept 100k for the extra twin and insisted 100k goes to your sister, so you both got equal early inheritances. You took three times that in spite of the fact that you could manage to privately educate two. You are greedy and disingenuous. Your outrage at your sister's outrage and anger is pathetic. Can you not imagine this from her point of view? You were greedy. I could never take so much money from a parent without my sibling getting the same at the same time. Give her at least 50,000.

I totally agree with this post. It is a very sad and difficult situation, however, I can see your sister's point. At the end of the day your Dad wanted to treat you and your sister equally in terms of inheritance. Basically you got yours early regardless of what it was spent on.

The question you need to ask yourself is what was your Dad's intention and what did your Dad want?
In any event if I was comfortable financially and my sister was struggling I would want to help her out regardless.
If money means more to you than helping or having a relationship with your sister then don't give her anything, however. I hope you will make the decision to try and at least meet her halfway.
The other thing to remember is you are both grieving and people act out of character at such times.

It was madness to bank on money being paid out from your DF’s estate. It may have been his decision but you were complicit in that decision for your own advantage.

Not only did you have your inheritance, you had it years earlier when it was worth more.

When you decided on paying for a care home instead of caring for your DF yourself, you were spending her share of his future estate, not yours.

Taking all this into account you do have a moral obligation to make good the loss to your sister who must be feeling very aggrieved at being cheated out of what may be her one and only chance of inheritance.

I think in you and your husband were either very naive or deliberately ignored the fact that wills do not guarantee money will be left. I think most people are aware over 50 complexes are money pits and often don't sell plus care home fees eat away at any inheritance. This has been a thing for so very long. I cannot believe it didn't cross neither of your minds that you'd be guaranteed your early inheritance and there maybe nothing left for your sister.

I think as complicated as it is, I’m on the thought that you don’t owe anything to your sister. The ‘being punished for being childfree’ mindset is her thoughts projecting on you. Stay firm on not giving money. You can’t control that she made decisions in her life that leads her where she is today.

I have a similar sister with that attitude of thinking only of herself and also not involved in her DN’s life. I know in time we will fall out. We already have once. Only because DH and I have more generosity than her that she’s in our lives. I can tell it won’t last.

You don't have to give her £150K but my view is you do have to find it in your head, and your heart, to offer your sister something.
Yes she made bad choices and yes your Dad was disappointed with her but he showed it
Your sister doesn't need anyone to tell her she is a f* up she knows it herself. Your Dad's actions have also clearly shown who he favoured, your sister must feel so unloved, please don't make it worse for her.