School fees and inheritance. I have my hard hat

[barenakedhazy]

I have 3 children, currently all at Uni. My sister is child free by choice.

11 years ago my husband and I sat down and did the maths about school fees for secondary school. We had planned to send our children privately but the youngest two were
twins and while affording 2 would have been possible, 3 wasn't. We were disappointed as we'd planned for this school, but instead started looking into moving house.

When we told my dad this he made us an offer. He'd recently sold his house to downsize to a small flat in an over 50s block and he was cash rich. He offered to pay for the kids to go to school. He felt really strongly about them going and this mattered to him- more than it mattered to us frankly. To ensure their education wouldn't be disrupted he paid the school for 7 years up front for each child. This was just over £100k each.

He then changed his will stipulating that my sister would get the first £300k of any inheritance, with the remainder split between us. (Look - before people start pulling this apart it was a lot more complicated and involved- this is just a simplified summary). He felt confident this wouldn't be a problem as he owned a property he'd paid £250k for and had another £200k left after paying the school fees, as well as a good pension for day to day living.

Over the next 10 years things weren't brilliant. In summary- flat was a terrible investment which cost £50k in 5 years for leasehold repairs and eventually sold for less than he bought it. There were some mistaken investments. He helped out his sister with a loan and she then died and our cousins were dreadful and said without a legal loan agreement they wouldn't repay from her estate. Finally there was a fall that hospitalised him and left him wheelchair bound and needing full time care.

My dad died 7 months ago and after over 5 years in a care home there was almost nothing left for an inheritance.

My sister and I are joint executors and she is furious. She says I got over £300k and she got nothing. She wants £150k off my husband and I to make it "fair".

I understand she's upset and do see how it seems wrong. However we weren't going to go the private school route as we couldn't afford it- this was something that mattered to my Dad and which he did for his grandchildren. I said I see it as a gift to his grandchildren- she says she's being punished for being child free.

I was sympathetic but she's been so bloody horrible that I'm at the stage of just telling her to get lost and never speaking to her again. She's made Dad's death all about money and seems more upset that there's no inheritance than the fact that he's died. She visited rarely and had nothing to do with setting up the care home or managing the fees- I had POA and did all of that. Now she wants his accounts audited and I'm so angry at the implication that I mismanaged things.

Anyway. AIBU to tell her that she's not getting £150k off us? We do have the money as we are both in well paid jobs and she's always struggled to find her niche which I think makes things harder. She lives alone and doesn't have a lot saved for retirement which has been worrying her, so I think some of this is because she was relying on dad's money. However if she'd have bothered to get involved in his care she'd have seen the situation in real time.

Oh and I speak as someone who's parents were obsessed with private school! DH and I don't agree with them AND can't afford it 😂. I know my mum would offer to pay so when she brought up the topic I very firmly said we'd decided against it and I didn't want to discuss it. I didn't accept hundreds of thousands and hide behind a pretence of "having to accept because it was so important to her".

OP has not benefitted by a single penny as she wasn't going to send them to private school.

The OP said she was going to move presumably to be closer to a good stare option. That would cost.

This. For me the crux of this isn't the private school fees, it's the fact now you have money and she doesn't, and was probably counting on this. So I would pay her at least some money, if not the full £150k.

It sounds like you know deep down the right thing to do is give your sister her share of the money but are twisting your self in knots trying to justify why you don't have to.

But OP wasn't going to send them at all.

She would have spent £0 on education for them so she has saved £0.

Giving her husband's savings and inheritance away doesn't sound fair at all to me. I doubt his mum would have wanted that.

I thinknit would be more accurate to say that your dad expected it to be fair, not that he wanted to put your kids first.

It is right to sy that you have an opportunity, as do all of us, to atone for the mistakes our parents made. Your dad has dropped a clanger and currently yur sister is on the receiving end entirely. It would be fairer to share the burden and be the person you want to be. What would the moral you do? Of course you want to keep the money, who wouldn't?

But when you're the one who will have to live with the decision. Life is fragile. She could get seriously ill, win the lottery, turn to drink etc. You aren't responsible, but you will.have had a hand in the whole thing. Money cant buy family and you would be devastated to be in her shoes.

I agree on your last point - I know have vehemently defended the OP’s position in not paying money to her sister but naturally I too can see why the sister is upset. Saying that, the fact that it went on her nieces and nephews should in my view limit the pain especially as it wasn’t at the expense of her kids.

@CovertPiggery the OP said she was going to move & didn’t need to in the end.

All posters saying how would your father feel if he knew the situation should be ignored as its irrelevant and mind reading which is impossible.

Your father is not here anymore. He made a financial decision to pay for school fees with the information he had to hand. He made a decision on his will with this information. You and your sister were aware of his plans. Yes it hasn't gone quite how he wanted but that is just tough luck.

No one should rely on an inheritance coming and you do not owe your sister morally or financially. Do not pay her anything. It is not your fault this has happened and you shouldn't be handing over savings meant for your children to compensate. It was never her or your money it was always his and he spent it how he wanted then the rest was used to fund his care the same as it does with many elderly people.

Alright, then if OP wants to work out how much that would have cost Vs the extra costs that come with private school, it would be fair to give that much to her sister if she wants to.

Given that your father made poor financial decisions how does anyone know that he wouldn’t have lost the £300,000 he spent on school fees if he hadn’t used it for this purpose? This situation is the responsibility of your father, not you and it shouldn’t be up to you to put it right for your sister. The money went to his grandchildren, that’s what he wanted and it probably gave him a lot of pleasure while he was alive.

@CovertPiggery just pointing out that she didn’t have £0 benefit. Although I see any benefit to my dc as a benefit to me.

Also if OPs dad hadn't paid for the private school, it sounds like he'd likely have gone with the same bad investments and would still have needed care so no one would end up with anything anyway.

So she planned her life based on the assumption that there will be some inheritance. There is no inheritance available, all the assets are consumed and can't be freed again.

You can't uneducate the children now. The paid of mortgage and savings based on her husband's inheritance have nothing to do with grandfather's money.

I don't think you should pay OP.

I don't think it was very fair of your dad but it's his money and his decision. If he wanted to ensure your sister got an equal share he could have gifted her a sum of money at the same time. It was always a risk there would be no inheritance left and it's a risk he took and should not fall on to you to sort out.

It's fair for OP to work out what, if any, financial gain she received and given half of that to her sister.

It likely wouldn't be much with all the extras you have to pay for at private school, but worth doing.

It seems like your (& your DH’s) position is that the grandchildren inherited £300K, and you and your sister inherited £0. So his wealth skipped a generation.

Your sister believes your children are really an extension of you and you inherited £300K and she got £0.

Both have merit.

It’s further complicated for your DH by some of the available money to ‘even it up’ being his own inheritance from his parent.

Would a way of moving forward be to consider that your Dad wanted to gift each individual a slice of his wealth? So that £300K should have been shared 5 ways - £60K to each grandchild and each daughter. If you ‘opted out’ if your share then it’s divided 4 ways - £75K each. So you could offer your sister that amount.

Also if OPs dad hadn't paid for the private school, it sounds like he'd likely have gone with the same bad investments and would still have needed care so no one would end up with anything anyway.

But that didn’t happen so it’s meaningless

Not really. It just shows that OP doesn't owe her sister anything as she'd likely never have received anything anyway.

Just like OP also received £0.

@CovertPiggery

Re:*But what amount would you say OP has benefitted by in actual money?

They weren't going to send their kids to private school, so they didn't save that money.

The savings they have are from their own income and her husband's inheritance.

I would not agree to my husband giving his sibling my inheritance + savings.

It would be different if he'd given them cash.*

I agree with your comments to a degree. 

The problem all stems from the fact that the whole premise here (as per my pp) was a disaster waiting to happen.

Which is why I'd have never accepted the money to pay school fees in the first instance and the OP and DH did jointly agree to this. 

It doesn't matter that the OP didn't directly benefit.  The choice in accepting this gift meant her sister did not benefit at all. 

The father's choices have been disastrous financially and had consequences that could have been predicted. 

When the gift was made was the time to have conversations about "what if there is no money left".  

As I also said in my pp the position of the OP's DH is relevant but he presumably did agree to accepting the gift.

But no one actually inherited or received any cash gifts.

The children might end up financially better off because of their education.

OP is £0 better off. Her sister is £0 better off.

In your scenario, OP is £75k down and her sister £75k up.

You were his Golden child and your sister is the scapegoat. Awful, toxic set up. It should always be fair between children. You should have stood firm and got your sister involved in the discussions and not accepted your father's poisoned chalice of a gift.

The flat, the loan, the investments all happened when he was in charge of his own finances. Once I stepped in sis absolutely knew the situation which is why I'm so bloody baffled that she seems surprised.
She told my cousins to fuck off at dad's wake so she was very aware of the loan! (Actually that's a nice memory! I was tearful, doing the stiff upper lip thing and making conversation while they skulked at the back and hoovered up sarnies. She marched right up and said they were a disgrace, had really upset dad before he died and weren't welcome, then told them to fuck off. We then went to the loo and laughed. I get it. We're not close. She's been pretty absent from my life - partly due to her life choices partly due to dad not really hiding his disappointment. But I do love her.)

I do think you could give your sister a chunk of money. You could have said no the school fees, but you chose to take him up on it. I don't think you are legally obliged, but morally it seems right that you help her as you have the money and are comfortable, while she needs it.

@JurassicFantastic
I think the fact that you had decided against private school is a red herring here. Whatever you say about your dad wanting them to go and it bring his gift, your dad's will made it clear that this was not to be at the expense of your sister (hence leaving her the first £300k). If he'd have known then that this would be the ONLY £300k for both you and your sister, how do you think he would have split it?

Exactly. The OPs Dad wanted to split his money between the OP and the OPs sister. He was clear. (Giving money to 'the grandchildren' was the same as giving it to the OP in the OPs Dads eyes)

OP, you and your husband are fine, your kids are fine but your sister is struggling. She is struggling financially and she will be feeling devastated that her father has let this happen and that her sister doesn't seem to care.

You first post said you had planned to send your kids to the private school and that you were disappointed when you couldn't due to having three kids instead of two. In your later posts you are massively backtracking and saying you weren't fussed about it and it was because your Dad wanted it etc. If you are as inconsistent with your reasoning with your sister then I'm not surprised she is feeling angry and sad.

Your Dad wanted to treat you and your sister fairly. You should give your sister her share or at least some of it.