AIBU not wanting dh to go to second funeral abroad

[SenQuestion]

I am doing a full time PhD. We have an autistic 6 year old with behaviour issues and language delay, and a one a half year old. I do the lion share of the cooking, cleaning. Dh can't drive so I do the school run as well. As well I sort school stuff, shopping and meal planning l. I have to catch up with my PhD work and housework at the weekend. Both children are not good sleepers. Feel quite stressed and run ragged.

Dh's gran died a few months ago, we both went to the funeral. She comes from a different country so Mil is taking her ashes to be buried there. She is asking dh to go there with her. It will be during the summer holidays for about 4 days over the weekend in July.

I have alot to juggle at the moment and have a busy schedule for July, August time as well as an appraisal in August. There is also the cost, £350 for flights, plus share towards hire car and food etc while there. So it could be £500 plus. That is an additional worry.

I also have issues with mil, and her behaviour for the past decade towards us. She is very controlling and manipulative - I very much relate to Susan forwards toxic in-laws(mil is the first few chapters of the book). And her gaslighting, she constantly blamed us for our autistic son not talking at age 3 and would point out what he can't do infront of him. When we asked for an apology she denied it ever happened and said we were awful for suggesting it did happen. So it may be clouding my judgement.

Need some opinions please

I get that you have a lot on your plate. But that is life as a Mum to young children.

I think the fact that you are doing a PhD has absolutely nothing to do with it but it seems to you it does. If you were just working a full time office job would you feel different? What you are doing is irrelevant we all have busy lives.

I think only 4 days and that being over a weekend is not unfair at all. This is his grandma and it is important for him to say goodbye.

This has actually nothing to do with your MIL. Your husband wants to say goodbye to his grandmother and see the people who were close to her.

I think you are totally overreacting

This is about how your husband deals with his grief. Having lost all of our parents and grandparents, I can’t imagine stopping my husband attending his grandmother’s ashes ceremony because I didn’t like my MIL.
What does he want to do? Truly, rather than trying to please other people?
By all means, start cutting your MIL out of your lives, and call on friends and your family for support as much as you can.But you are blurring the issues together. The ashes ceremony and your critical MIL are two different things.
And four days is not a long time, you will not be battling your 6 year old into school for a start. And you can do easy cooking for a week, my autistic children had fairly restricted diets and were easy to plan for.

I wouldn't stand in the way of my DH attending a family event like this. I get that you don't like your MIL but there are some things you just don't interfere with, and funerals are one of them. It's only four days.

What childcare and social support can you get while DH is away? Put it in place now.

Then book yourself a little jaunt away, job done.

Just to clarify, the first funeral was in the UK? If he had gone abroad once I would think it was a big ask to return for the interment of the ashes, but if it is actually just the one trip I wouldn't object. Death and funerals can be inconvenient but you just have to roll with it.

I lived through five years of supporting my partner doing his PhD.
It wasn’t easy.

He should go if he wants to go, but equally he should be thinking now about what he can do to make things easier for you while he is away. I appreciate that there has been a funeral but clearly this ceremony is also meaningful to him and I would do whatever it takes to support him going.

Issues with your MIL are irrelevant.

I'm guessing your instinct not to let him go is more based on you doing the lions share of the cooking and cleaning - what does he do other than work?

What does your dh want to do?

I think you should support your husband to support his mum as they take his grandmother's ashes back to her home country.

It's only four days, and it's clearly something that is really important to your MIL.

Can you ask anyone to come and help you during those days?

I have to agree with the first 3 replies and others in the same vein.

People grieve differently. If it is important to your dh to take the ashes 'home', then that is what must happen.
The fact it is only 4 days, under £500 and mostly over the weekend seem to all be positives to me.

Ask a friend to come and stay with you for four days - or ask DH to take one or both of the children on the ashes trip.
That could be a lovely thing to do with his mother..

Yabu.

Its 4 days. He's grieving and its his final send off. You chose to do a PhD knowing that situations will arise and be inconvenient

I am doing PhD because it allows flexibility to do school pickups and everything. Other jobs don't allow you to leave at 2.30 to do school pickups every day.
Dh wants me to go back to work as he wants a bigger house. Yet all the childcare and school stuff falls on me.
And it's the cost of at least £500 or lots more depending on what mil tries to guilt dh into paying for (think restaurant meal for everyone and the extended family). He constantly penny pinches at home, talking about how much things cost, and saving money.

YABU. Its his grandmother. Let him grieve and lay her to rest in the most appropriate manner to him.

YABU, he needs to go and support his mum.

This isn't really about your husband's late grandmother, or indeed about your MIL or your high needs children. This is about how your husband already doesn't pull his weight around the house or with his children - you wouldn't feel so resentful about the ashes trip if he generally did a fair share at home, nor would you already be feeling so burned out that this might tip you over the edge of coping/not coping.

Time for a serious discussion with your husband - but about daily life, not about the trip.

YABU. You have big issues in your marriage but this isn't one of them. He doesn't sound very nice or a good husband but stopping him from going to a funeral for 4 days is not going to help anything.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, surprised at the replies.

If you are not earning, it’s not unreasonable for your to do the majority of the home and family support work. Once you have gone back to work, obviously your husband will have to do a greater share.

You sound very resentful of your life and your relationships in general. Do you not have any family to act as a counterbalance to your MIL?

I agree with this.
I also wonder if some of the pp realise the pressure and stress of doing a PhD, especially when the majority of the family responsibility falls to you.

I can see both sides. Doing your PHD whilst also raising a SEN child and seemingly doing all the running around is unbelievably hard, so facing losing his support (I assume you’re not going?) for 4 days must seem like a mountain to face.

On the other side, this isn’t just about his mil being toxic, it’s about his grief and saying goodbye to his grandmother. Does he want to go? Does he want to support his mum? Is there any leeway on the amount of days he has to go, could there be a compromise there?

OP, a PhD isn't a job that allows flexibility around school pickups. Surely there must be some other reason why you are doing it?

I think it is quite usual for the lion's share of childcare to be done by a non working spouse. Not that doing a PhD isn't time consuming and difficult, but it's not what is putting food on the table or keeping a roof over everyone's head. Your husband's salary is.

It's not unreasonable of him to want you to get a job so the sole financial burden of supporting the family isn't on his shoulders.

And if I were him, I would be pretty pissed off if my non working spouse who I financially supported begrudged me four days and £500 out of my own earnings to go and lay my grandmother to rest.

Her husband is financially supporting the whole family.

Obviously if the OP worked - which he has said he wants her to - it would be entirely reasonable to expect him to pick up more of the slack in other ways.

But for now, him working and financially supporting the family and her at home doing childcare is the arrangement they have. It's notable that the OP has indicated that she wants her husband to do more stuff at home to take some of the "wife work" burden off her, but not that she is willing to get a part time job to take some of the "bringing home the bacon" burden off him.

I technically earn money as the PhD is funded, so I am being paid. Dh is wanting me to get a full time job after so we can get bigger mortgage for a bigger house he wants. The school run and lion share of cooking and cleaning will still fall on me. He constantly penny pinches at the moment with money