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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not wanting dh to go to second funeral abroad

104 replies

SenQuestion · 14/06/2024 13:33

I am doing a full time PhD. We have an autistic 6 year old with behaviour issues and language delay, and a one a half year old. I do the lion share of the cooking, cleaning. Dh can't drive so I do the school run as well. As well I sort school stuff, shopping and meal planning l. I have to catch up with my PhD work and housework at the weekend. Both children are not good sleepers. Feel quite stressed and run ragged.

Dh's gran died a few months ago, we both went to the funeral. She comes from a different country so Mil is taking her ashes to be buried there. She is asking dh to go there with her. It will be during the summer holidays for about 4 days over the weekend in July.

I have alot to juggle at the moment and have a busy schedule for July, August time as well as an appraisal in August. There is also the cost, £350 for flights, plus share towards hire car and food etc while there. So it could be £500 plus. That is an additional worry.

I also have issues with mil, and her behaviour for the past decade towards us. She is very controlling and manipulative - I very much relate to Susan forwards toxic in-laws(mil is the first few chapters of the book). And her gaslighting, she constantly blamed us for our autistic son not talking at age 3 and would point out what he can't do infront of him. When we asked for an apology she denied it ever happened and said we were awful for suggesting it did happen. So it may be clouding my judgement.

Need some opinions please

OP posts:
Blahblahblah2 · 14/06/2024 14:42

I think the issue here isn't the trip, but how the lion's share of housework falls to you. You clearly need more balance in your relationship. It all sounds very stressful.

It seems like an important trip to make. But perhaps you don't want to let him, because you feel he hasn't been a supportive partner?

AnnaMagnani · 14/06/2024 14:43

Your DH seems to be all problems no solutions.

He would like to have more money.
He'd also like to do no school pickups, minimal childcare and not much round the house.

TBH most of us would like this but it's not real life. Housework and childcare massively cuts in to money earning capacity.

I'd ask him for his solutions and if he hasn't got any he won't have, tell him you want to hear a lot less whinging.

Original poster
SenQuestion · 14/06/2024 14:44

I am bringing in money into the house. It's going into savings for a bigger house dh wants

OP posts:
fieldsofbutterflies · 14/06/2024 14:50

OP, how would you feel if he told you you couldn't go and scatter your relatives' ashes?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 14/06/2024 14:55

SenQuestion · 14/06/2024 14:42

I technically earn money as the PhD is funded, so I am being paid. Dh is wanting me to get a full time job after so we can get bigger mortgage for a bigger house he wants. The school run and lion share of cooking and cleaning will still fall on me. He constantly penny pinches at the moment with money

It's not unreasonable of him to want you to get a full time job so you can have a better standard of living.

If you did get a full time job, it would then be unreasonable of him not to do his fair share of childcare and housework. This is a conversation that you need to have together.

Catza · 14/06/2024 14:58

SenQuestion · 14/06/2024 14:44

I am bringing in money into the house. It's going into savings for a bigger house dh wants

Yes, but what do YOU want?
I am not talking about him not going, I honestly can't see how this is relevant since he won't be helping out with any of "your chores" anyway. So it very much feels like a red herring.
You say your husband wants bigger house. Great. Do you wan the same? No? Then why aren't you discussing it with him and saying "no more penny pinching - I want to stay where we are". You say the childcare will fall on you when you go back to work. Why? Why are you not talking about the practicalities of shared childcare when it happens?
I don't know whether you are simply not talking to each other and your built resentment and are now throwing a hissy fit or you are talking and he is a complete arse about it.... but the ash ceremony is neither here nor there either way.

GrumpyPanda · 14/06/2024 14:59

Sounds like the straw that broke the camel's back. But surely the main issue isn't a single trip, but the fact that your DH is pretty much useless year round and leaves you to carry the bulk of the load? Why isn't HE doing housework at the weekend?

GrumpyPanda · 14/06/2024 15:03

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 14/06/2024 14:27

If you are not earning, it’s not unreasonable for your to do the majority of the home and family support work. Once you have gone back to work, obviously your husband will have to do a greater share.

You sound very resentful of your life and your relationships in general. Do you not have any family to act as a counterbalance to your MIL?

She's not a housewife and working bloody hard at her main job, even if it's not lavishly paid. Your comment comes from a place of complete ignorance.

Aallvtirin · 14/06/2024 15:04

You're taking out all your gripes about your stingy DH and his annoying mum out on this trip - which really is for a bereavement/sad occasion.

If your DH wants to he should go on this trip. But this trip aside - sounds like you need a serious convo with him about your future goals as a family and how much you're willing to put up with from his mum.

VeryGoodVeryNiceChickenNugget · 14/06/2024 15:05

Yabu.

Original poster
SenQuestion · 14/06/2024 15:09

Sounds like the straw that broke the camel's back. That is how I feel. I feel like with everything I'm maxed out to full capacity and then managing with no help and weekend with a special needs kids is the straw that broke the camels back. There will be no weekend away for me.

You say your husband wants bigger house. Great. Do you wan the same? No?
Not at the cost of all his penny pinching, down to what time the laundry goes on, he wants to switch to the tariff that is cheaper at different times of the day. Asking what am I buying as my money should be in savings for new house. Not working 40 hours and doing all the school run and lion share of housework.
I have only been doing PhD for 8 months or so and I feel close to burn out already.

OP posts:
Jeezitneverends · 14/06/2024 15:10

Do you have the guarantee of a job with the phd or is it a “vanity” phd ?

GrumpyPanda · 14/06/2024 15:11

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 14/06/2024 14:55

It's not unreasonable of him to want you to get a full time job so you can have a better standard of living.

If you did get a full time job, it would then be unreasonable of him not to do his fair share of childcare and housework. This is a conversation that you need to have together.

Show quote history

A PhD programme IS a full-time job, not a PT pastime. OP in effect works two jobs - full-time research and study plus the bulk of childcare and housework. Her "D"H only works one, and I'd lay bets his daytime job is more relaxed than hers. Yes her stipend will be lower than his salary, but normally in cases of two full-time working spouses MN collective wisdom is that it's not the pay level that counts but hours worked. I'm amazed at the anti-intellectual snobbery that extends this generosity to, say, women filling TA positions but not to somebody doing extremely strenuous research work.

Original poster
SenQuestion · 14/06/2024 15:17

"vanity” phd - what is one of those? It's an engineering Phd if that makes any difference

OP posts:
Greenbike · 14/06/2024 15:17

GrumpyPanda · 14/06/2024 15:11

A PhD programme IS a full-time job, not a PT pastime. OP in effect works two jobs - full-time research and study plus the bulk of childcare and housework. Her "D"H only works one, and I'd lay bets his daytime job is more relaxed than hers. Yes her stipend will be lower than his salary, but normally in cases of two full-time working spouses MN collective wisdom is that it's not the pay level that counts but hours worked. I'm amazed at the anti-intellectual snobbery that extends this generosity to, say, women filling TA positions but not to somebody doing extremely strenuous research work.

Edited
Show quote history

Disagree. A PhD is full time work but not equivalent to a full time job. Even a funded PhD is normally paid worse than minimum wage, and is much more stressful. Fine when you’re 25 and have no children or money worries. But if I had a child with severe SEN and a toddler, was living in a not-big-enough house with money worries, and my partner decided they wanted to do a full time PhD I wouldn’t be thrilled.

AgentJohnson · 14/06/2024 15:18

This isn't really about your husband's late grandmother, or indeed about your MIL or your high needs children. This is about how your husband already doesn't pull his weight around the house or with his children - you wouldn't feel so resentful about the ashes trip if he generally did a fair share at home, nor would you already be feeling so burned out that this might tip you over the edge of coping/not coping.

Time for a serious discussion with your husband - but about daily life, not about the trip.

This

whosaidtha · 14/06/2024 15:23

If he doesn't help around the house then why does it matter if he's there or not? Tbh my husband is great and pulls his weight but I still sometimes find it easier when he works away. You get into a groove
Please let him go. He has to say goodbye.

mossylog · 14/06/2024 15:27

Ignore the posters who are saying your husband is reasonable to leave all housework, driving and childcare to you— it's an unreasonable burden for one person. This is what you need to work out with your partner, not one long weekend. His gran isn't going to die again, after all!

mossylog · 14/06/2024 15:31

Greenbike · 14/06/2024 15:17

Disagree. A PhD is full time work but not equivalent to a full time job. Even a funded PhD is normally paid worse than minimum wage, and is much more stressful. Fine when you’re 25 and have no children or money worries. But if I had a child with severe SEN and a toddler, was living in a not-big-enough house with money worries, and my partner decided they wanted to do a full time PhD I wouldn’t be thrilled.

Show quote history

It's also not forever, a PhD comes to an end and OP will be able to get different kind of work than she would if she hadn't done one. Financially, it's not much different to taking an entry level position to start a new career. I think it's a reasonable choice to make, the husband shouldn't be resentful about it.

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 14/06/2024 15:46

For all that are saying he needs to say goodbye - is that not what the funeral was?

Meetingofminds · 14/06/2024 16:52

He has already been to the funeral!
Why didn’t they spread the ashes whilst there?! It seems too much to me given the pressures you are under as a family.

fieldsofbutterflies · 14/06/2024 16:55

Meetingofminds · 14/06/2024 16:52

He has already been to the funeral!
Why didn’t they spread the ashes whilst there?! It seems too much to me given the pressures you are under as a family.

Edited

You don't get the ashes back on the day of the funeral - it's very normal to have a week or two, if not longer.

fieldsofbutterflies · 14/06/2024 16:56

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 14/06/2024 15:46

For all that are saying he needs to say goodbye - is that not what the funeral was?

The funeral and the scattering of the ashes are two separate events/ceremonies.

It takes a couple of weeks to get the ashes back and it's very normal to then have another family gathering while they're scattered - kind of like a final send off.

My MIL died in April - the funeral was in May but we won't be scattering her ashes until the summer for various reasons.

Meetingofminds · 14/06/2024 16:57

fieldsofbutterflies · 14/06/2024 16:55

You don't get the ashes back on the day of the funeral - it's very normal to have a week or two, if not longer.

Show quote history

Well he doesn’t need to be there! He went to the main event. It’s too much to expect people to fly out for a second time to do this as well.

It smacks of MIL game playing to me!

AlwaysFreezing · 14/06/2024 16:58

Ah, mate, massive sympathies.

You can't carry on like this, can you?

The weekend away is a red herring. Get your whole life back in balance. With your dh onboard and pulling his weight and not being a dictator about your money and future.