AIBU not wanting dh to go to second funeral abroad

[SenQuestion]

I am doing a full time PhD. We have an autistic 6 year old with behaviour issues and language delay, and a one a half year old. I do the lion share of the cooking, cleaning. Dh can't drive so I do the school run as well. As well I sort school stuff, shopping and meal planning l. I have to catch up with my PhD work and housework at the weekend. Both children are not good sleepers. Feel quite stressed and run ragged.

Dh's gran died a few months ago, we both went to the funeral. She comes from a different country so Mil is taking her ashes to be buried there. She is asking dh to go there with her. It will be during the summer holidays for about 4 days over the weekend in July.

I have alot to juggle at the moment and have a busy schedule for July, August time as well as an appraisal in August. There is also the cost, £350 for flights, plus share towards hire car and food etc while there. So it could be £500 plus. That is an additional worry.

I also have issues with mil, and her behaviour for the past decade towards us. She is very controlling and manipulative - I very much relate to Susan forwards toxic in-laws(mil is the first few chapters of the book). And her gaslighting, she constantly blamed us for our autistic son not talking at age 3 and would point out what he can't do infront of him. When we asked for an apology she denied it ever happened and said we were awful for suggesting it did happen. So it may be clouding my judgement.

Need some opinions please

Can he take one or both children with him? There will be two adults plus presumably more family out there to help.

4 or 5 days in the summer holidays to support his mum on a difficult family trip is not a big ask. You are justifying him not going because you are busy and you don't like your MIL. Those reasons are irrelevant. You should be able to cope with your own family for a few days. Worst case scenario have you no friends or family who can come and stay if you needed help with your autistic son?

He could take the little one with him for just a few extra pounds, that could be a good compromise. As for the rest of it I'd tell him to help out more or I'm leaving!

I’d let him go. She was his gran and it’s obviously going to be very hard for his parents. But do make sure he helps get you set up beforehand, like he should do some batch cooking, make sure the house is tidy before he goes etc.

I think you need to separate the funerals from the day to day issues and deal with them but without punishing him via the funeral. There’s no reason why he can’t do a decent share of the day to day stuff, so that should be your focus.