AIBU not wanting dh to go to second funeral abroad

[SenQuestion]

I am doing a full time PhD. We have an autistic 6 year old with behaviour issues and language delay, and a one a half year old. I do the lion share of the cooking, cleaning. Dh can't drive so I do the school run as well. As well I sort school stuff, shopping and meal planning l. I have to catch up with my PhD work and housework at the weekend. Both children are not good sleepers. Feel quite stressed and run ragged.

Dh's gran died a few months ago, we both went to the funeral. She comes from a different country so Mil is taking her ashes to be buried there. She is asking dh to go there with her. It will be during the summer holidays for about 4 days over the weekend in July.

I have alot to juggle at the moment and have a busy schedule for July, August time as well as an appraisal in August. There is also the cost, £350 for flights, plus share towards hire car and food etc while there. So it could be £500 plus. That is an additional worry.

I also have issues with mil, and her behaviour for the past decade towards us. She is very controlling and manipulative - I very much relate to Susan forwards toxic in-laws(mil is the first few chapters of the book). And her gaslighting, she constantly blamed us for our autistic son not talking at age 3 and would point out what he can't do infront of him. When we asked for an apology she denied it ever happened and said we were awful for suggesting it did happen. So it may be clouding my judgement.

Need some opinions please

Your dh sounds like a nightmare!

Id let him go but I would be keeping money aside and planning to leave him

dictating what time the washing machine goes in is controlling behaviour and I wouldn’t be attracted to such a man

It's his grandmother!

How would you feel if your partner told you you couldn't go and support your mum?

I agree with this, he needs to go, let him go

This.

I wouldn’t be going to this kind of thing in the first place - we would spread the ashes here or save them for the next visit. It’s indulgent when a family is struggling in the way they are.

I wouldn’t want to go myself. Don’t do funerals. It’s important to your husband though so sorry, I think YABU. It’s 4 days. My husband worked away all week for years. Bit of rearrangement, you’ll manage fine.

I can't imagine ever thinking that scattering a parent's ashes is "indulgent" 😬

Bloody hell.

Yabu re the funeral...it's his Gran and he needs to support his mum. The lack of help he gives you at home is a different issue that you need to talk to dh about

The ashes can be spread at any time! Sometimes years or decades later. They don’t need to be done immediately. The funeral is the important thing, and was attended by everyone.

Maybe the person who's lost her mother wants to do it sooner rather than later?

I mean, I think her wishes are slightly more important than anyone else's in this scenario.

@SenQuestion I might have missed it, but does dh not have any siblings? why should he have to go and spend your family money when your mil is practically demanding that he accompanies her???

Then she goes with someone else!! She doesn’t actually get to demand and insist others do it on her time frame.

@Meetingofminds what a heartless thing to say. His grandmother has died. MILs mother. Scattering the ashes is an emotional event and she likely wants the support of her son. As I would. And the husband probably wants to attend also. As I would. He is grieving the loss of his grandparent and needs to be allowed to attend events to help that process. If he wants to go it would be cruel of the op to block him or make him feel guilty about it.

He should absolutely go to the spreading of the ashes, for me being prevented from attending a funeral or ashes ceremony for someone I love would be inforgivable.

The ashes aren’t actually going anywhere: we are talking about two international flights and four days on top of the funeral. It’s completely unreasonable. Spread the ashes somewhere closer to home if there is a time pressure.

Your DH should go to take his Gran home
There is only one chance to do this
He should be there to support his parents
This is to support for the wider family

You cannot & should not stop him going

You would not like someone telling you what to do, when you are grieving

Maybe he actually wants to go and say goodbye to his grandma and support his mum? I wouldn't let anyone tell me I couldn't go and support my mum in a scenario like this.

Right but his is the job which puts food on the table and a roof over their heads. Perhaps now isn't the best time for her to be doing a PhD.

He has just said goodbye to his grandma that’s the whole point of a funeral!

Everybody is different and grieves in different ways. I'm surprised you've managed to reach adulthood without realising that

If my DH told me I couldn't go and support my mum in this scenario, I'm not sure I could ever forgive him. Likewise, when he lost his mum earlier this year, I supported him unconditionally while he did what he had to do to support his dad. I can't imagine sitting at home saying "You can't do that because it would be too difficult for me".

A PHD is not a full time job. It's a choice OP has chosen to do because she wants to. She should be doing the lions share of childcare because she's a SAHM, I'm honestly not sure why the complaining about it?

If you're both working FT life admin, cleaning, cooking and childcare should be shared. If you choose not to you have to take more of that burden as you have more time.

The fact you don't want to him to support his mum after she lost her mum because you will have to care for your children is bizarre.

Your opinion of your MIL is definitely clouding your judgment.

You chose to do a PhD at the same time as having a toddler and an autistic child so you should expect that it is going to be hard at times. It is not something that should stop your DH doing something so important to him and his mother. I think it would be really nasty to stop him supporting his mum when she’s just lost her own.

It’s a one off and it’s not a ‘weekend away’. You said that as if your DH was going off with his mates to have a good time. It’s the internment of his Grandmother’s ashes ffs.

Of course everyone grieves in different ways but you can’t dictate to other family members to fly internationally to suit you! You don’t get to demand anything from anyone because you are ‘grieving’ - it’s not a blank cheque. They have just said goodbye to granny - it is abit much to now be demanding he flies back again right now - totally unreasonable. The phd and dc are irrelevant.

I get that you are exhausted but I do t think there are any circumstances you can ask someone not to attend their grandmother’s funeral. Could somebody come and stay while he’s away to help out?