AIBU not wanting dh to go to second funeral abroad

[SenQuestion]

I am doing a full time PhD. We have an autistic 6 year old with behaviour issues and language delay, and a one a half year old. I do the lion share of the cooking, cleaning. Dh can't drive so I do the school run as well. As well I sort school stuff, shopping and meal planning l. I have to catch up with my PhD work and housework at the weekend. Both children are not good sleepers. Feel quite stressed and run ragged.

Dh's gran died a few months ago, we both went to the funeral. She comes from a different country so Mil is taking her ashes to be buried there. She is asking dh to go there with her. It will be during the summer holidays for about 4 days over the weekend in July.

I have alot to juggle at the moment and have a busy schedule for July, August time as well as an appraisal in August. There is also the cost, £350 for flights, plus share towards hire car and food etc while there. So it could be £500 plus. That is an additional worry.

I also have issues with mil, and her behaviour for the past decade towards us. She is very controlling and manipulative - I very much relate to Susan forwards toxic in-laws(mil is the first few chapters of the book). And her gaslighting, she constantly blamed us for our autistic son not talking at age 3 and would point out what he can't do infront of him. When we asked for an apology she denied it ever happened and said we were awful for suggesting it did happen. So it may be clouding my judgement.

Need some opinions please

Could he not bring the 1 year old and then you only have the 6 year old to manage alone?

I'm not sure why you keep using words like "demand" or "dictate" when OP herself has said the MIL has asked her son to accompany her.

Clearly you have some kind of hidden agenda

To be fair, doing it during the summer holidays isn't ideal.
If MIL wanted her son there then a wider conversation should have been had - including working out a date that works for everyone, rather than a summons.

@Meetingofminds there is not time pressure. The only "pressure" is coming from the op being unwilling to look after her own kids for 4days.

Not sure where you are getting "flies back again right now" from. The original post is slightly ambiguous, but I read it as the funeral was in the UK and now the family are taking the ashes "home" to be scattered. So only one trip abroad. But I could have misinterpreted it.

All of which is irrelevant anyway, as in situations like this I think the DH's wishes come first. But also that he should be helping OP to plan for how she will manage during his time away.

Like fuck would ANYONE stop me from being there for my Mum while she scattered my Gran's ashes.

Agenda? 😂
No, I just don’t agree that it should be August when it’s maximum stress. Why August? It could be at other times given she died months ago.

I don’t like the idea that it’s an arbitrary order and not a discussion between the whole family when the best time would be. In our family we are considerate of each other, and do not summon others to anything.

The thing is OP, this is a one off, never to be repeated situation. If you prevent him from going, you can never undo it or make it better. I don't think it's worth the risk of the possible repercussions.

Totally wrong to say she's a SAHM whilst doing a PhD. What do you think a PhD involves?

The average PhD student works more than a standard full time job: https://www.hepi.ac.uk/2020/06/25/new-report-shows-phd-students-work-50-more-than-undergraduates/

Sorry Yabu

You're allowed to take up to 20 days' vacation/annual leave (4 weeks) while doing a PhD. So take a break while your DH is away. I think that it is important for him to be able to go.

And then when he's back, the two of you need to look at the balance of workload in your family. He's leaving you to do far more than half. Doing a PhD - if full-time - is just like a job. It's not nothing.

She's a SAHM who chose to pursue an expensive 'study'. Then complains she'll have to parent her children while her husband deals with a family bereavement. This is not even remotely the same as working a FT job to support your family like the majority of mums have to. It's an expensive decision which clearly does not benefit her family.

Oh my god. Anyone working on a PhD is not a SAHM. Some of the comments on this thread are unreal.

OP your husband needs to go on this trip, you would be unreasonable to ask him not to.
See if you can organise some leave or support for yourself while he's away.

Then it's time for a serious conversation about sharing the workload, agreeing priorities and an agreed budget for future housing vs current enjoyment and additional support to help you achieve your potential.

You've got a lot going on but you deserve a partner who supports your ambitions, not lets you burn out trying to achieve them

OP, you said your DH wants you to go back to work full time so you can buy a bigger house.

Was it a joint decision for you to do the PHD? If he agreed toit at the time, what has happened in the last 8 months for him to now say you need to go back to work?

Do you actually need a bigger house or is it that he/you both want a bigger house?

I think one funeral for a grandparent is enough.

You’re not being unreasonable. You’re dealing with a lot of child raising stress alone and trying to improve all of your prospects. Solidarity and support OP, hold fast and good luck.

No, this is not correct. OP has said the PhD is funded so she won't be paying fees (they will be paid by a funding body) and she will be receiving a stipend, so she IS bringing in income. So it's not "an expensive study" and she IS supporting her family. (Edited to add: stipends from the main research funders are about £19k per year but are not taxed so equivalent to maybe £25k salary pretax).

Funded PhDs are highly competitive so she will have had to show a great deal of ability and hard work to get on to the programme. Again, not just just something she has done on a whim. It will also contribute to her future career and therefore benefit her family.

OP has also said this decision was in part because of the flexibility for childcare - again, benefitting her family but compromising on earnings like many other mums have to.

She's not just doing it for fun as you seem to think, and it certainly doesn't mean she should be doing all the childcare all the time.

This

I’m not in the UK but they have a similar system to us - it is incredibly rare for a local PhD student to be unfunded if they are full time. And most students work as well - so by no means milking it, but usually there is an income.

But flexibility is not a good reason to do a PhD. The workload is high, and there’s often considerable stretches of long hours and travel (so yeah leaving early for pick up can be easy - depending on your field - but you may well be back at your desk till midnight finishing stuff off).

I wouldn't stop him going. It's about his grief and paying his respects to his grandmother. Your relationship with your mother in law is a separate issue.
For days is a short period and will fly by.

Honestly I think I'd okay the long game and be looking at divorce.

Use your stipend money to pay for some help whether it's a cleaner or childcare help in the holidays.

When he moans about the cost tell him if he pulled his weight that's how much it would save.

I don't think it's just your mil you have a problem with @SenQuestion
I just skim read your posts and what jumped out at me was the many times you referred to a bigger house that your husband wants to buy.
Also that you do sooo much of the "family work".
You appear worn out from it all and believe you're not getting the support you need.
Your mil was unsupportive re your dc with autism and it's easy to pin your unhappiness on her. She hurt you by her comments and actions.
But I think from reading your posts, your husband is actually the problem.
It's not just about him going away with his mother to bury his gran's ashes.
It's about him and what he puts into the family and I'm not just speaking about money here.
You need to have a big conversation with him.
You are not happy in your marriage.

Your problem isn't the funeral or your MIL. The real problem is how useless your husband is.

People saying she’s a SAHM while doing a PhD have absolutely no clue.

Would you say that about someone doing a full time apprenticeship? Or someone working from home full time? The pay is shit but it’s a full time training role, not a chance to sit at home navel gazing for several years. Presumably she didn’t make the decision to embark on it unilaterally so he now needs to support her through it and realise that they are both doing full time work and so should split the home stuff accordingly.

At the same time, OP should support her DH to take the time to go and scatter his gran’s ashes and support his mum. It’s time to pull together as a team.

The issue isn’t the funerals it’s the fact your DH is doing f all at home anyways. Make him step up.