To be irritated by friend’s remark about ADHD?

[4pirates]

I work in a professional job and have done pretty well in my career. I have a friend who works in the same profession who I’ve known for over 10 years and who is a really nice guy and a good mate.

For years I’ve suspected I have ADHD and recently got test and had the diagnosis confirmed. I’m lucky enough to be able to afford medication, and it’s really, really helped me.

Throughout I’ve confided in my friend about the testing, diagnosis and treatment and he’s been really supportive, and was delighted that the treatment is working.

One of the reasons I confided in him was that he has always had similar symptoms and I suspect he also has ADHD. During a recent conversation I did reference this and wondered if he’d considered seeking a diagnosis too.

He replied that he agreed that he had some of the same symptoms, but that was just him, he didn’t want to “medicalise” it or become reliant on medication. He felt he was doing OK in life generally and didn’t see the need or understand what value a diagnosis might bring.

I obviously respect his right not to seek a diagnosis but the way he put it made me feel that he wasn’t as supportive of my decision as I thought, and that he really thinks I should just have “cracked on”.

It’s not affected our relationship but I just wondered if I was being oversensitive to feel a little irritated?

I’m in the same boat as him but opt not to use medication as I manage quite well mostly. I fully support my friends in doing what ever they need to do to look after their own health and well-being. Everyone’s different.

YABU. He simply explained that he doesn't feel a diagnosis would be beneficial for him.

I don't think he was saying anything about you was he? I think he was just talking about him?

Can I ask what your symptoms were, what made you think you might have it? And what the doctors say your symptoms are? If you don't mind me asking

He didn’t make you feel anything, he told you his thoughts on his life and you chose to make it about you. You made yourself feel like that.

So imo yes YABU to be annoyed, you’re offended because he doesn’t see it the same way as you.

I wouldn’t call this sensitive as that would imply he was giving feedback on your choices whereas he was talking about himself, so that’s not sensitive, its defensive

People with ADHD often have strong reactions to perceived criticism. Do you suffer with rsd as one of your symptoms? I'd file this one under that op and move on.

I feel you massively overstepped. He didn't say anything to imply he couldn't think for himself to follow your lead so I'm not sure why you thought you should query diagnosis with him.

He was supportive of you, and happy for you that diagnosis and medication has helped you, but feels differently about his own life. I really think you're being silly to be offended by this.

Like I'd support a friend if they wanted to shave their head and be pleased for them if they went for it and loved it, but I wouldn't do it myself because I like my hair. You can support people's life choices fully and wholeheartedly without wanting the same thing for yourself.

Don't make his choice about his life about you. It's not.

I think you overstepped too. You could have just said, I pursued diagnosis because XYZ, but instead you directly asked him if he'd considered it, putting him into the position of having to respond - whereupon you can't be irritated because you don't like the answer you forced out of him.

He said he wants no meds and to crack on.

He didn’t say that you should make the same choice.

not much different than women who do and those who don't seek hrt for menopausal symptoms.
or those who have vaginal births vs c/sections.
personal choice

He's smart to leave it be if he wants to move to Australia at any point...

adhd does not affect immigration to australia and medication...

Not what that other thread said.

@pearlsundersea adhd is NOT autism, most countries you might want to immigrate to do full health checks including people who wish to immigrate to the uk. @4pirates i believe some countries will not let you bring your adhd meds into the country (turkey).

Yes, I am of course aware that ADHD is not autism.

My point was there was value in her friend's decision to not seek formal diagnosis and to medicate his condition, as he has chosen, that is above and beyond those decisions.

I’d be really annoyed if you said that to me OP. You’ve taken it badly. What’s he meant to say? ‘Oh yes thank you you are so right I value you sticking your nose in’

You were the unreasonable one, you can’t go around diagnosing people and expect them to be delighted

@Donutbed RSD is not a recognized disorder or diagnosis. It’s floated around a lot on pseudoscience sites and groups where there is a lot of self reporting. Some people are more sensitive to perceived rejection than others, but that it’s not a sp civic ADHD trait.

@4pirates , you definitely overstepped. If he does have ADHD but feels that he can manage his symptoms without treatment, than his ADHD is probably quite mild. If it’s not mild and he’s not treating it, then he’s putting himself at all kinds of risk, but that’s his decision to make.

I think that was really rude of you to imply he might have Adhd and asking if he will get a an assessment for diagnosis! Quite insulting actually.

In starting to actively avoid people who wave about their diagnosis. They never seem to want to fly under the radar and feel their condition of themselves or their kids should be the hot topic of conversation or that they should notify me upon meeting. Some people, like me don't care! I am in the crack on camp and think this explosion of diagnosis all came about because of the Internet and people spending too much time in online groups echochambers. Mind your own business.

you over stepped, he politely deflected and you took offence

The only person with a right to be irritated here is him.

I’ve noticed this phenomenon in people recently diagnosed with ADHD that they think everyone else has it too

Says a lot about the diagnostic criteria imho

DH and I have ADHD. He medicates, I don't.
I don't need, or want, pharmaceuticals for the rest of my life. Doesn't make me any better than DH, it's just the choices we've made to individually manage it.
If asked, I'd answer the same as your friend.

"He didn’t make you feel anything, he told you his thoughts on his life and you chose to make it about you. You made yourself feel like that. "

This!

My 3 of 4 kids have ADHD, all diagnosed and the last one is pending diagnosis. All diagnosed as teens adults. I was diagnosed bipolar twenty years ago but I can bet you a million pubs that I am in fact ADHD and was misdiagnosed. Now, for my kids, medikenet has been a life line. It single handedly saved my youngest dds GCSEs. I may seek a diagnosis myself or I may not, but I have no real intention of taking medication unless something drastically changed. I'm 45, I've learned to cope so 🤷🏼‍♀️. My children know this, but me stating it doesn't negate their own medical pathway or cause them to introspect on what they are doing. They just understand not everybody is the same.

He can support you while taking a different tack for himself.
You feel strongly about the topic, he doesn't.
That's ok.