To be irritated by friend’s remark about ADHD?

[4pirates]

I work in a professional job and have done pretty well in my career. I have a friend who works in the same profession who I’ve known for over 10 years and who is a really nice guy and a good mate.

For years I’ve suspected I have ADHD and recently got test and had the diagnosis confirmed. I’m lucky enough to be able to afford medication, and it’s really, really helped me.

Throughout I’ve confided in my friend about the testing, diagnosis and treatment and he’s been really supportive, and was delighted that the treatment is working.

One of the reasons I confided in him was that he has always had similar symptoms and I suspect he also has ADHD. During a recent conversation I did reference this and wondered if he’d considered seeking a diagnosis too.

He replied that he agreed that he had some of the same symptoms, but that was just him, he didn’t want to “medicalise” it or become reliant on medication. He felt he was doing OK in life generally and didn’t see the need or understand what value a diagnosis might bring.

I obviously respect his right not to seek a diagnosis but the way he put it made me feel that he wasn’t as supportive of my decision as I thought, and that he really thinks I should just have “cracked on”.

It’s not affected our relationship but I just wondered if I was being oversensitive to feel a little irritated?

I do think you are misinterpreting your friend’s motivations OP. Like your friend I have a lot of the traits, online tests tell me there is a high chance of adhd etc. I probably won’t go for a diagnosis or seek medication but this is a personal choice for very personal reasons. It’s nothing judgy about the diagnosis itself or taking meds. I make this choice whilst fully understanding and supporting others choice to seek a diagnosis.

Is there scientific evidence of this? You know this is a fact internationally?

My friend got diagnosed recently. In all honesty, I think her issues in life are caused by poor mental health that she won't. address rather than the adhd itself but anyhoo...

She's one that everyone has autism / adhd. She told me I had autism most likely. The diagnostic criteria she used are so vague 90% of the population would fall under them. I'm not autistic.

She ruined my friends birthday by telling her repaeadu she has adhd and should be tested. My friend has never considered having adhd. She spend the weekend doubting herself and wondering if she'd failed to recognise her own issues.

It's very rude to go around arm chair diagnosing people.

You made a judgement of him. He didn’t judge you or criticise you in any way. You should apologise to him.

He replied that he agreed that he had some of the same symptoms, but that was just him, he didn’t want to “medicalise” it or become reliant on medication. He felt he was doing OK in life generally and didn’t see the need or understand what value a diagnosis might bring.

This is exactly how I feel about my chronic lateness and occasional inattentiveness. Like your friend, I have a couple of friends who got diagnosed late in life and decided that I had to get diagnosed too. I don't want to. I'm not convinced I have it and I feel that I am improving at punctuality and organisation without them. It's not a reflection on anyone else's decision at all.

Perhaps if you asked him honestly he'd say that he hadn't thought you needed meds, but who cares? He's not judging you. He's just not you. He has no idea what it is to be you and you have no idea what it is to be him.

@TaraRhu Yes! I think my issues are symptomatic of anxiety which in the last few years I have started properly addressing through work/life balance and therapy. For me that's worked. I think it's very easy to mistake neurodivergence for anxiety that behaves a bit like ADHD.

How long had you been on this medication before you were incredibly rude and highly insensitive to your very supportive friend? I would be looking at the dose if I were you.

I think you over-stepped too. If he has wanted to explore his possible ADHD/medication he would've brought it up already. Sounds like he didn't really mind too much but his comment succinctly expressed why he hadn't been discussing it with you already.
I definitely wouldn't read from that that he thinks that you are doing the wrong thing or he is judgemental in any way - sounds like he is very supportive.

Dc were on them. They had to have ECGs before starting and then ongoing checks as their NHS consultant who prescribed them said they can affect the heart.

We were also told they can affect growth. So height and weight checks monthly too. I doubt this would affect adults but certainly heart issues may.

They are controlled drugs for a reason.

You’re being too sensitive. It’s not about you. He’s entitled to his own feelings about how to handle his own wellbeing. You overstepped by bringing it up IMO.

I've always known that I was different, and my disorganisation and euphoria caused me significant problems. School and the world of work could be difficult. But this is me and I'm retired now. Last year my adult children sat me down and said that they thought I had ADHD. I knew nothing about ADHD and thought it unlikely but the more I read the more I thought that they were right. My boundless enthusiasm and hyperactive and hyper focused mind are me. I feel as if medication would stop me being me. I'll live with the messy house. This is me.

I’ve got a diagnosis of ADHD but didn’t/don’t want medication. I may revisit that at some point but don’t feel the need right now. I love that it works so well for people who struggle more than I do, but I hold down jobs and relationships, and always have done. I have been a homeowner- on my own and now with DP for a few years now. I get shit done! Things can be harder- hense the diagnosis, but I’m ok. Stimulant ADHD medication is basically speed, I don’t want to take hardcore drugs every day if I can manage ok without.

During a recent conversation I did reference this and wondered if he’d considered seeking a diagnosis too

I think you REALLY overstepped here and you're lucky that he reacted so kindly

I would have told you to wind your neck in

If you're in the UK, did you get a private diagnosis or NHS. Wondering about the prescription payment and after watching the TV expose of practice in private clinics it put me off going down this route. I am diagnosed too through an NHS psychiatrist but not on medication. My DD is seeking diagnosis but it feels like there is alot of suspicion around those enquiring about adhd at the moment which is very frustrating for those of us with life long debilitating conditions.

Agreeing that you have taken his decision about his needs personally. Adding that there may be more to it that he doesn't want to say. The various medications don't work for everyone and can have side effects. One of the ones I was on gave me intense anxiety. It sounds as if you have the zeal of the convert and want people to try what works for you; depending on how you phrase this, it can come across as pushy.

I've got an nhs diagnosis and definitely don't want medication. I don't like medication and the side effects risks of ADHD medication scares me.I’ve taken the NHS course of therapy treatment option and working on other coping strategies instead.My dd who is 19 has gone for the medication route which I’ve supported her with.We are all different and one size does not fit all.

Poor mental health is a very common comorbidy in those of us who are ND, more so than our NT partners.

ADHD in women can mean impulsively, leading to poor life choices, but poor executive function to rectify situations, and emotional blindness to realising when something is making them feel bad before it's too late.

Once you've been through the diagnostic criteria it's easy to see how people in your life might fit into those boxes. It's an example of rigid thinking. You're either autistic/ADHD or you're not which is a fact, but it's easy to misinterpret the fact that the diagnostic criteria are very human behaviours so all humans do them, but you've got to meet all points of the diagnostic criteria to get a diagnosis. Your friend is struggling with this sort of black and white thinking.

I agree it's rude to armchair diagnose, and going through the diagnostic criteria doesn't make you a professional suddenly, so she shouldn't be saying anything to you.

But I did want to point out that what people might perceive as poor choices and a decline in mental health are hallmark symptoms for ADHD especially in women.

I think so too. You had the cheek to tell him he's possibly the same and then feel all hurt and angry when he spoke about himself and his opinion! Do you hear yourself op?

It sounds like he was being kind and polite and you interpreted it as more interest than he really had. Especially since you say you chose to confide in him because he had similar traits - did he get a choice in that?

Please could you share your coping strategies? And what is the therapy offered by the nhs? I undoubtedly have adhd but I'm not keen on diagnosis. Would like to learn to manage it myself.

I do think you are being oversensitive here, OP. It is possible to support a friend with their choices, whilst making different choices for oneself. This does not mean they disapprove of you or judge you.

You have made this all about you and it's not. He doesn't have to make the same choices you have.

I agree with this

OP you've just described the two main types of thought on ADHD (and a lot of frontal lobe conditions).

You have a condition that people think of as 'not that far from normal functioning'. You're functional, working, paying bills, raising kids, and 'appear' to be fine.

For some people it's a sign of resilience to mask and get on with life but for others it helps to diagnose and medicalise. Neither of you are wrong.

I am constantly told I have ADHD by people who have it, and urged to get a diagnosis. Maybe I do or maybe I dont. But I am in my 50s now. Hold down a job and am long married. Completely functional.

What would getting meds do for me now? I already take HRT and that is enough.

Armchair diagnoses really annoy me. You overstepped.