To be irritated by friend’s remark about ADHD?

[4pirates]

I work in a professional job and have done pretty well in my career. I have a friend who works in the same profession who I’ve known for over 10 years and who is a really nice guy and a good mate.

For years I’ve suspected I have ADHD and recently got test and had the diagnosis confirmed. I’m lucky enough to be able to afford medication, and it’s really, really helped me.

Throughout I’ve confided in my friend about the testing, diagnosis and treatment and he’s been really supportive, and was delighted that the treatment is working.

One of the reasons I confided in him was that he has always had similar symptoms and I suspect he also has ADHD. During a recent conversation I did reference this and wondered if he’d considered seeking a diagnosis too.

He replied that he agreed that he had some of the same symptoms, but that was just him, he didn’t want to “medicalise” it or become reliant on medication. He felt he was doing OK in life generally and didn’t see the need or understand what value a diagnosis might bring.

I obviously respect his right not to seek a diagnosis but the way he put it made me feel that he wasn’t as supportive of my decision as I thought, and that he really thinks I should just have “cracked on”.

It’s not affected our relationship but I just wondered if I was being oversensitive to feel a little irritated?

I agree with your friend and YABU.

Medication can be wonderful when you finally find something to deal with symptoms that have been derailing your life but the push to medicalise everyone and everything, to the point so many children are being labelled and many adults are dependent on prescription drugs isn't good for society imo.

I am also a high energy person. It's helped rather than hindered me. Its annoying to be told I should be sitting on the coach and watching Netflix. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it doesn't appeal to me personally.

Couch!

I tend to agree with him...it's been suggested my son might have ADHD and i'm 99% sure if we went down the diagnosis route we would get a diagnosis for him (likewise, he's probably got it from me!).

Controversial, i know....but I do wonder whether we're over medicalising/disordering everything. Are there any celebs now who don't have ADHD - every day another one or two pop up saying they've got it? so is actually just a normal human trait for the vast majority of people who "have" it? There was an article recently saying it's probably evolutionary and benefitted us when we were hunter gatherer types - as more likely to find food if flitting from one place to another! We weren't designed to sit still in a class room or at a desk for 8 hours a day!

The problem is when everyone has it, it undermines it for people who have serious issues because of it.

Your friend hasn't done anything wrong, but you have by firstly diagnosing him (I assume you have no medical training) and then by getting offended that he doesn't want to follow the same path as you. Sounds like he didn't say anything for you to get irritated over.

He did nothing wrong. He was supporting you with your life choices but then you chose to make it about him so he said how he felt about himself.

YABU - did you ever consider that your comments to him might be unwelcome and irritating? He’s supported you in you making the health decisions that you thought were best. Now you support him the same way.

He’s allowed to make different medical decisions than you - and frankly you aren’t entitled to his reasoning for his medical decisions.

You asked - it’s not really your place to have an opinion about his answer.

No we’re not over medicalising it, not everybody has it and it’s actually quite hard to get a diagnosis. The levels it has to impact life for a diagnosis is not normal human behaviour.

I have adhd and yes sorry I think you are being over sensitive. You asked him / he said why not appropriate for him it was not about you. He’s your friend he should be able to speak freely if you ask him something.

DD has just been diagnosed with combined subtype ADHD and has decided to try medication (not yet been prescribed). I have Inattentive subtype and don't medicate, nor do I plan to. I never realised I had it and have structures in place to manage my life and my diagnosis doesn't change that. We have to do what works for us and for some people medication is life changing (especially in terms of career) but for others, they are managing just fine with techniques to help where needed. Personally, while I would love to be able to focus more, I've built a career on starting projects and initiatives and have a team who will finish them for me. I also get everything done that I need to in my personal life but it just sometimes look chaotic to others as I will have 15 jobs on the go at the same time and switch between them all the time (think housework for example). The one area I would want to improve is life admin as I find it incredibly difficult to get round to booking appts. Fortunately I have a super organised DH who will either nag me to death or take over. 🙂

YABVU
You took it upon yourself to suggest he might have ADHD and you are now making it all
about you instead of respecting his polite way of saying he wasn’t interested of seeking a diagnosis.

I've said it on many threads and I will say it again.

Every body urinates, but if you're pissing all the time then it's probably a disorder.

The same thing goes for ADHD and Autism. Every one might do something that is considered a trait, because it's normal human behaviour.

If you're able to meet diagnostic criteria then you have a disability. There's nothing mild about it, it's not typical behaviour. It's a-typical.

If anything it is under diagnosed from years of poor understanding, and women especially get the short straw because we present much differently from men.

What you're saying is very in the lines of "everyone's a bit autistic/ADHD" and that's frankly just bollocks. Not every one is disabled by the way they're wired. You either are or you aren't.

And before someone says but some people are impacted more by it, of course they are. Some people have extremely high support needs.

But there's nothing mild about it. Mild is how other people perceive someone's disability, that doesn't mean it's mildly disabling.

It’s not affected our relationship but I just wondered if I was being oversensitive to feel a little irritated?

Yes I think you are.

You are being unreasonable.

I know I have it- I was diagnosed as hyperactive as a child (in the 70s!), and I really struggled to focus throughout school, college, and in jobs where I was desk based.

I chose not to get a formal diagnosis as an adult, and I have developed my own strategies to cope. One is working outdoors.

I think it’s a very personal thing; I don’t judge anyone who does it differently, and I’m always interested to hear about the ways in which other people manage their ADHD.

Sometimes some people with ADHD can be over sensitive. Reading meanings into things that aren't there. Ruminating on every interaction. I think that might be what you're doing.

It's quite difficult to get a diagnosis on the NHS.

I've known people diagnosed privately where they've never even met the person diagnosing them. That's why many GP surgeries won't accept it.

I'm with your friend on this. All these people have been cracking on in life absolutely fine, and suddenly in their 40s they want tested? Why? Seems pointless if they are getting in fine.
People need to stop putting people.in categories and groups and just accept that we all have different behaviours.

I agree in parts.

It is becoming overdiagnosed though. To the extent that the general perception is changing. Everyone and their granny on social media claims to have it for what is essentially perfectly normal behaviour. It's the in thing and seen as cool.

Some private diagnoses aren't worth the paper they are written on either. I personally know a couple with a private diagnosis who are not disabled or indeed impacted in any way. This isn't my perception either, it's their own admission.

There seems to be a growing desire to want a label. For some it's just blatant attention seeking on social media and its disingenuous to not acknowledge this. Mental health issues quite possibly but ADHD no.

The public see this and conclude that its really not that bad. Leaving those who are severely impacted by ADHD overlooked and traumatised by medication shortages and ever growing waiting lists for clinical reviews.

The system needs an overhaul and personally I'd be in favour of a higher threshold for diagnosis restricted to the NHS and reputable private clinics only.

Of course it's becoming more tested for, there are benefits attached to it.

A teacher phoned in to a talk show I was listening to the other week and said surprise surprise just after the diagnosis the forms started to arrive. Not saying this is you OP but it is happening.

I think you’re looking into it too much. He doesn’t feel it’s a problem for him so his choice is not to seek diagnosis to take medication. You felt a different way and for you medication has helped. Simple as.
I think I have adhd and don’t want to take medication and the amount of adhd’rs who take medication and take it as a personal insult that I do not wish to be medicated is worrying! I’m not insulting them just expressing my needs as they do theirs

Lots of those celebrities, like Jonny Vegas, have suffered with mental health problems on and off for their entire lives and it's only when they seek and obtain diagnosis that they finally understand themselves better and begin to find happiness. The fact that these celebrities are doing this means that people like my 7yo dd realise it's ok to be different, but when your difficulties cause your mental breakdown then it's ok to seek help. And if that help only really comes off the back of a formal diagnosis, then I'm pleased that more people are pursuing it. The travesty is that so many have waited for so long for recognition and understanding and that, unlike celebrities, most do not have the means of getting diagnosis quickly enough and so their mental health continues to deteriorate.

Op, your decision is the right one for you. Your friend's decision is the right one for him. You shouldn't feel upset and offended by what he said because the ways in which different people choose to deal with their neurodivergence differs almost as much as their experience of how their neurodivergence affects their lives. Now my dd doesn't feel she has to fit into a specific box to be accepted, that might be enough for her - with our support - to manage some of the discomforts she experiences. Or, as she gets older, she may feel that she needs more than that. Or, she might even take a hybrid approach which a brilliant young psychologist I know takes - medication to manage the times when she's working and needs to maintain focus, taking breaks from the medication when she wishes to be her unfettered self.

I personally think that diagnosis is really important for lots of reasons. But it's a personal choice, and for lots of people (like my dh) it probably doesn't affect their life so much that they feel they need intervention.

This exactly - there was a panorama programme about it. Someone had a private ADHD assessment with someone totally unqualified online and surprise surprise was diagnosed as having ADHD (some of the questions would literally apply to anyone - do you sometimes feel a bit anxious, do you sometimes get fidgety). The same person then had a 3 hour face to face NHS assessment and conclusion was that they perhaps displayed some of the traits, but didn't have ADHD.

Not sure i can think of a celeb who doesn't have it.... 😂

Well said.

I agree you overstepped. This would always be a really delicate subject to broach with a friend and it sounds like he handled it well.