To be irritated by friend’s remark about ADHD?

[4pirates]

I work in a professional job and have done pretty well in my career. I have a friend who works in the same profession who I’ve known for over 10 years and who is a really nice guy and a good mate.

For years I’ve suspected I have ADHD and recently got test and had the diagnosis confirmed. I’m lucky enough to be able to afford medication, and it’s really, really helped me.

Throughout I’ve confided in my friend about the testing, diagnosis and treatment and he’s been really supportive, and was delighted that the treatment is working.

One of the reasons I confided in him was that he has always had similar symptoms and I suspect he also has ADHD. During a recent conversation I did reference this and wondered if he’d considered seeking a diagnosis too.

He replied that he agreed that he had some of the same symptoms, but that was just him, he didn’t want to “medicalise” it or become reliant on medication. He felt he was doing OK in life generally and didn’t see the need or understand what value a diagnosis might bring.

I obviously respect his right not to seek a diagnosis but the way he put it made me feel that he wasn’t as supportive of my decision as I thought, and that he really thinks I should just have “cracked on”.

It’s not affected our relationship but I just wondered if I was being oversensitive to feel a little irritated?

I agree. I think there is no denying that some neuro-diagnoses are seen as more desirable than others, and social media is a factor in this. Lots of people self-diagnosing adhd, but where are all the people self-diagnosing with other neurotypes? How many people think they have borderline personality disorder (which has overlapping diagnosis criteria with adhd such as traits of impulsivity, intense fear of rejection, and emotional dis-regulation)? Not the same 2 year NHS queues for that one, and to think that social media isn't a factor in the explosion of adhd referrals is naive.

You’re definitely over sensitive. If he’s happy with the way he is then more power to him.

I actually think it’s really rude for non-medical professionals to diagnose people with neurological disorders. Really rude. And odd. And actually medical professionals would never do this outside a medical setting so why someone who’s sat through a £600 45 minutes Zoom session think they can is beyond me.

Its akin to people trying to convert others to a religion, and it’s hard to say “fuck off”.

Id also advise you watch the recent Panorama documentary about private ADHD diagnoses. Very enlightening.

I'm diagnosed and refusing to be medicated. I too, don't want to be a lifelong medical patient. I stead I've used the diagnosis to know myself better and that is good enough for me.

You're being ridiculously sensitive. Would you have preferred he lied?

I am waiting for assessment for ADHD but really I’m not too bothered about getting a diagnosis as I don’t want medication. I’m only doing it because dd (20 and already diagnosed ASD) thinks I need a diagnosis.

Your friend explained why he doesn’t want a diagnosis, I don’t think he was implying that you were wrong to get one. Maybe he doesn’t feel it would make a difference to him? If he doesn’t want medication then there’s not much point getting a diagnosis.

Some seriously shitty ablist comments on here.

On the one hand, it's so hard to get a diagnosis, but on the other hand, it's being diagnosed!

People pay thousands to get answers, but apparently those answers aren't worth the paper they're written on.

It's the same with pip! It's really difficult to get pip, but those on it are probably faking and lazy!

Absolutely horrible to read all this.

I've been diagnosed with it. My therapist had to persuade me for over 2 years to go for an assessment. Why? Because of the stigma, because of how women are treated. Because no fucker even believes you when you do get diagnosed because I don't "look ND".

I am seriously sick of it.

OP, I'm glad you're diagnosed and medication helps you. Medication isn't for everyone. As someone else said, I don't want to fit into a NT world, I'd rather just find my tribe and be myself.

Gah! Can't edit:

it's being diagnosed left, right and centre, everyone and their granny

I may have missed them but I don’t see any ableist comments on this thread?

@AgeGapBbe I’m happy for you that your ADHD is mild enough that you can manage well without first line treatment. I would give years of my life to get shit done and be able to hold work and a relationship down at the same time. For those with moderate to severe ADHD, stimulant treatment is the most effective way of managing symptoms. Without treatment, people with ADHD are statistically more likely to due prematurely, more likely to be incarcerated, to have car accidents, more likely to be fired, and more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol.

Yes, it’s a stimulant, but if taken at the proper dose there is no “high”. I certainly don’t feel any different physically after I’ve taken it. Comments like referring to it as “hard drugs” only feed the stigma and cause shame. If you do ever find your symptoms becoming less manageable with age and do need medication, I’m afraid you will see how flippant comments like that can come across as needlessly judgemental.

I feel the exact same way as your friend. I am pretty sure I have ADHD, but I don't see how a formal diagnosis will help me as I already know I am unwilling to take medication for it.

I have friends who are taking meds for their ADHD and never give it a second thought. His comment was about his personal choice and was in no way passing judgement on you. If my friend commented that maybe I should look at getting a diagnosis and medication though, I might feel pretty pissed off and would be wondering why they thought I was doing so badly at work that I would need medication to improve things! So maybe he feels the same way about your 'helpful' comments and thinks you should MYOB.

@CanadaNotAMum my post was entirely about me, and my perceptions for myself and how I am. It had absolutely nothing to do with anyone else, I’m not sure why you’d assume it did- it was quite clear.

it’s great that people find such success with medication, I’m totally open that that might be me one day, I’ve been tempted to try it to see what effect it could have on me but I decided I’d rather not (for now) for the reasons I’ve specified.

im lucky to not feel like I need it. As I said, my post was about me, not you or anyone else.

It has nothing to do with how severe someone’s ADHD is. It’s still personal choice to wether someone wants to be medicated or not. My ADHD totally ruins my life some days, I’m constantly hyperactive and can’t shut down/relax, my sleep can be pretty awful at time and my memory is awful but I don’t want to be medicated because I worry it will change the parts of ADHD that I actually like (mainly the hyper parts). That’s my choice, nothing to do with how severe my ADHD is or how it affects my life. Everyone has that choice and it doesn’t mater what they chose to do, it has nothing to do with anyone else other than them.

All these 'medication experts' pleased not to be taking a medicine they have never ever taken 😂😂.................

Fair enough. But in that case OP and others should stop offering armchair diagnoses and suggestions.

He was very supportive of you with the information you chose to share with him and then you very rudely tried to diagnose him and suggested he get a formal assessment.

He doesn't feel he is being seriously impacted IF he does have ADHD and so wouldn't take medication even if he was diagnosed and you are making it all about you.

You wanted a diagnosis and are benefitting from medication, which is great, but you can't respect that ADHD isn't the same experience for everyone and he is an adult quite capable of making his own decisions.

Be grateful for the benefits your choices have given you and leave him alone.

He's simply at a completely different stage of his ADHD journey to you. You shouldn't take anything he says about himself to be a reflection of you. Be very careful of this as it can have quite negative outcomes for you in general if you start trying to impose other people's comments (on any subject) about their own situation onto your situation. You must separate your ADHD ego (definition of the word ego is positive here) from their's.
Its also possible he has different characteristics which mean he is less comfortable with diagnosis to you.
Everyone moves at different paces, and everyone has their own characteristics that have been formed from the way they were nurtured. These will influence how comfortable they are with next steps, or how they may view medication as a support tool.