To be irritated by friend’s remark about ADHD?

[4pirates]

I work in a professional job and have done pretty well in my career. I have a friend who works in the same profession who I’ve known for over 10 years and who is a really nice guy and a good mate.

For years I’ve suspected I have ADHD and recently got test and had the diagnosis confirmed. I’m lucky enough to be able to afford medication, and it’s really, really helped me.

Throughout I’ve confided in my friend about the testing, diagnosis and treatment and he’s been really supportive, and was delighted that the treatment is working.

One of the reasons I confided in him was that he has always had similar symptoms and I suspect he also has ADHD. During a recent conversation I did reference this and wondered if he’d considered seeking a diagnosis too.

He replied that he agreed that he had some of the same symptoms, but that was just him, he didn’t want to “medicalise” it or become reliant on medication. He felt he was doing OK in life generally and didn’t see the need or understand what value a diagnosis might bring.

I obviously respect his right not to seek a diagnosis but the way he put it made me feel that he wasn’t as supportive of my decision as I thought, and that he really thinks I should just have “cracked on”.

It’s not affected our relationship but I just wondered if I was being oversensitive to feel a little irritated?

I am a very high energy person, but I navigate life perfectly happily. I have been told by lots of people who are medicating for ADHD that I should try it. I find I get a lot done in a day (I never sit down) and that I’m organised and efficient. I find it frustrating that people suggest I need to change something about myself. It feels like they’re saying there is something about me they don’t like.

Perhaps he feels the same.

I agree with this. It may feel a bit like a personal attack or criticism of your decision.

I'm not sure what you expected him to say? He was just being honest. Unless there was something about his tone of voice I think what he said was fine.

I'm seeking an ADHD diagnosis and I will be medicating by the way. But I can understand why some people don't want to, I was originally of that mind but the symptoms have blighted my life for too long.

Yabvu.

I think trying to diagnose another adult with anything is completely out of order and he handled it really well, I would have been really angry if I were him.

To be honest and in the nicest way maybe you should have minded your own business rather than comment on something that he hadn’t asked your opinion on.

I think that symptoms can be more troublesome as you age, have a more demanding job/ busier life so he might change his mind in the future. This is his view at present.

He didn’t just offer up his opinion, you put him in the spot and asked. He answered honestly about his choices for him.

You say yourself he has been nothing but pleased and supportive for you.

@CanadaNotAMum it might not be an actual diagnostic condition, but it's a cognitive phenomenon that people do experience. You are correct, it is not exclusive to those with adhd. The op may feel particularly sensitive about her adhd diagnosis and treatment plan .

However, there is the possibility that the friend was being critical of her choice.

YABU

Frankly he was quite polite in the circumstances whereas you were not.

He’s allowed to have his own approach to medication even IF he does have a diagnosis - which in fact he doesn’t.

Given you have already declared that you think he needs to seek diagnosis, and that you assume he would be diagnosed if he did, to then intrude still further and want to direct his response to the diagnosis he doesn’t yet even have is massively overstepping and I could see HE might feel offended. Yet somehow you have managed to feel offended. 🤷🏻‍♀️Is making things all about you a symptom?

More gently OP, I wonder if what is really going on in your mind is that you’d like him to be taking the same path, which is normal for many when striking out in a new or unknown direction, and that’s why you feel his own decisions about his own circumstances are somehow your business?

You're being over sensitive - which is a feature of ADHD by the way.

He's said he feels he's managing ok as he is. That's his choice.

You felt diagnosis and medication would help you and it has.

Both approaches are equally valid. It's a personal choice. No right or wrong.

You have become a convert and you want him to be one too!

I suspect he also has ADHD. During a recent conversation I did reference this and wondered if he’d considered seeking a diagnosis too
I agree this was over stepping. I’m surprised he was as reasonable in his response. I have hayfever but don’t take a daily antihistamine, despite it being recommended by a health professional. I don’t want to take medication every day. That’s my choice. I’ve done my research and have my reasons. I’d be quite annoyed to be challenged on it or have to explain my decision.

I think he was perfectly fine in how he expressed himself on this topic. You are looking for what he was inferring - he wasn’t. You have invented a whole underlying narrative and then are angry at him about it! He was just answering your question about himself. FYI I feel the same way and so does my DD. She’s diagnosed but doesn’t want to take medication and I am sure I could get a diagnosis myself and I have out of interest done a screening before and it was high scoring, but I don’t think it would add to my life at all. We are managing in our lives but appreciate it’s not the same for everyone. I have a very particular reason why I have learned to cope and I have had a lot of therapy and I have finally accepted myself the way I am and I have learnt how to use certain things to my advantage. It’s not a slight on you that I feel this way about myself

That side of my DD's ADHD (diagnosed as a child and medicated) has had a massive positive effect on her life. She chose not to medicate as an adult and it helped her do well in work and later rise to management in social care.
OP, making a different choice isn't a criticism of the choices you've made. He's just explained his reasoning because you are good friends and he felt that he could.

Please don’t become one of those people because you have been diagnosed that you can now spot symptoms in others. If he hasn’t asked for your advice don’t give it he’s obviously happy with his life.

It doesn’t sound like he was saying it referring to you, or with any similar implications. Just that you asked him if he’d consider it, and he answered with the reasons why he wouldn’t personally. YABU.

I wouldn't be offended personally. My DH also has ADHD and would never consider medication. I totally back him on this. Each to their own.

YABU.

So I’m just going to say it: with this explosion of “ awareness” around ND diagnoses, it seems to me there isn’t a person alive who couldn’t be said to exhibit fairly compelling symptoms of something or other. It’s as if we need to call it TND: typical neuro divergence.

I don’t think he did anything wrong OP. You said he was very supportive and happy for you. It was only when you expressly asked him that he gave his personal opinion and it sounds like he tried to do that nicely too.

Don’t they just!! Iv found this to be the case too. Extremely so.

OP sorry YABVU

Yabu

His position is perfectly valid, you overstepped. Many thousands of people manage perfectly well or indeed better even without the meds which can have some serious side effects.

💯 agree with this. It isn't your place to diagnose him or giving him advice on a condition you suspect he has. And it isn't your place to be offended that he chooses to live his life differently from you either.