is this a bit rude? Or just me?

[iamsoshocked]

Just got home from work, and DD (19 home from Uni) and 2 friends are at the kitchen table. One friend is veggie, the other has allergy to egg.

I came in, said hello, nice to see you again etc, to which they just replied "Hi". Then I asked if anyone was staying for tea? And they both literally just said "no".
Not "no thank you", or anything, just "no".
I said, "ok, well you're both very welcome to stay in you'd like to." Which was met with silence.

So I walked off.

Rude? Or have I just had a bad day at work?

You didn’t rudely assume.

I think YABU
Are you staying for tea? No
Do you want to stay for Tea? No thanks.

Why are people still being deliberately obtuse?

If the friends thought the DD was the one who habitually cooked, then possibly a response of 'No' meaning 'No, DD is't cooking for us tonight, we're going home' would be understandable.

But at least one of the friends present has been cooked for many times by the OP. She is highly likely to know that the OP is the one who cooks, not the DD.
Plus the OP then said they were welcome to stay and eat. At which point, if they HAD made this innocent mistake, they could have said, 'Oh, I see, you're cooking. Sorry, ha ha, no, thank you but I'm going home for tea.'

But I think it's much more likely that they were just being rude and monosyllabic. Especially as this thread is full of people who seem to deliberately misunderstand interactions and/or not feel that a 'thank you' is necessary, and have presumably modelled and taught that to their kids too.

'Are you staying for tea? No
Do you want to stay for Tea? No thanks.'

'No'. Everyone whoever had a 4 year old has had this response. Usually followed by a tantrum. They are not 4 years old.
Mrs Carson - just out of interest, would you have responded in that way?
'Are you staying for tea?'
' No'.

If so, then you are lacking in your social graces.

I think there are a lot of people who ARE being judgemental and rude about others on this thread.

Communication is about a particular message being sent and received correctly. Lots of things can get in the way of that.

The people who have said they would not interpret the message in the way the OP has said it was intended have just offered their viewpoints, as they are perfectly entitled to do. Their viewpoints are just as valid.

I remain extremely grateful for having been given advice on what to say if I ever find myself in a similar situation as the teenagers in this post.

'Are you staying for tea?'
'No.'
Rude. Unless they are actually unable to process what is an appropriate response.

'Communication is about a particular message being sent and received correctly. Lots of things can get in the way of that'.

And a reasonably polite adult will err on the side of politeness, consideration and kindness and say a little more than 'No'.

'... have just offered their viewpoints, as they are perfectly entitled to do. Their viewpoints are just as valid.

Yes, I have to give you that, people are totally entitled to be rude and ignorant, but with a valid viewpoint? No, a viewpoint that is deliberately obtuse, gaslighting and goady is not valid, and should bear no weight with the OP.
'No'.

For all the people insisting “It was a question, not an invitation; therefore they responded correctly” - surely even if the exact words weren’t an invitation, the question implied that someone (in this case OP’s daughter) might have issued an invitation? Who just says “No” and nothing more? Surely you’d at least say “No, I have to get off. See you later!” or similar? It’s basic conversation!

Yes I'd have probably said, No I'm heading home, or No I have plans.
If I'd been offered Tea I'd say No thank you I have plans/gotta go.

@gardenmusic
I have not been deliberately obtuse or goody. I am autistic and need direct communication.
I do not make any assumptions about why others would interpret it in the same way or not.

I do however find it interesting that other people are saying that they would not be so rude, yet are so quick to pass judgement and be rude about them in the same paragraph.

Your response " you are welcome ........" was incorrect. You should have said one of the following:-
I beg your pardon.
No?....
No what?
Don't be so rude
Where are your manners?
DD if your friends can't be civil, they are not welcome here. Please ask them to leave. (This to be said in front of said friends)
You get the drift?

Mrs. Carson 'Yes I'd have probably said, No I'm heading home, or No I have plans'

If you are answering my question, that's a 'No, I would have probably said...' not yes!

ScarlettSunset I'm not going to continue arguing with you - it derails the thread OK you are autistic - they were not!

It is so irritating to have neurodiversity offered up as an excuse for being mannerless.
It is almost as bad as saying poor people may have to steal in cost of living crisis.

Both highly insulting to neuro diverse and poor people

I have been very poor and my moral compass nor that of my parents did not switch to allow us to steal. It's a thing called self respect and poverty doesn't erode it.
My sister is neurodiverse and she would not allow that to be an excuse for being mannerless.

Poverty and neuro diverse conditions do not mean that people have to be excused, apologised for, patronisingly 'understood' as if they were a puppy pissing on a rug and they can't help it.

I hope that I never came across as that when I offered my perspective and I certainly don't expect people to just know stuff that I was taught, when I myself am found lacking in many areas.

For example, I had no idea that thank you notes were a thing until I read it on here once. I was telling my mum and she said that she was made to do this by her foster parents in the 60's - she never passed this on to me. And I don't remember ever receiving any neither.

But, I will say that once I have learned something whether it's on here or tiktok, then think 'wow another thing that I never considered before, and now I know' and do with that what I will.

Or they might just have no manners.

Another option: they thought you were being rude by phrasing the question like they were primary school children. Given local variations in meanings of tea/dinner/supper, that specific phrasing of "staying for tea" might have meant staying for a meal much earlier than most adults like to eat, to them.

Oh FFS 🙄😆😆

FFS seconded.

I don't even understand what independentfriend means? Funnily enough, DD's friends are from the same area as us !
Anyway, my faith in teenagers was restored yesterday when a delightful, well mannered friend came over. (it was after tea when they got in, so cooked themselves a pizza). No ambiguous questions/statements required by me!!

' That's fine- we're eating in 20 mins though so start wrapping whatever you're doing up and making your way home'

Are they British, some cultures don't use thank you after saying no?

Know what is rude?

Your response.

Patronising much?

This situation does not indicate anyone being brought up with no manners. If they had been invited to stay, yes, a “thank you” would have been expected, but it wasn’t an invitation. If they had say “thank you” to other people asking the same question, I could imagine they would be met with “that wasn’t an invitation”. To me, it sounds like a hint to go or someone wanting to know if they have to go to the trouble of scraping up two extra portions. Just a simple change to “would you like to stay for tea?” Would have made it clearer all round. Honestly, some of the comments here about “elaborate excuses”. It’s not an excuse, just an explanation of the difference between an invitation and a general question.

Why? Thank you for what exactly if it wasn’t an invitation?

How do you know? They may have meant it, but when you replied “yes, thank you” were too polite to say actually, I meant please buggef off.

Exactly, OP didn't offer them something or do something for them, she asked a question. The answer was 'no'.

But then the OP said “ok, well you're both very welcome to stay in you'd like to." and was met with silence. Don’t you think that was rude?