is this a bit rude? Or just me?

[iamsoshocked]

Just got home from work, and DD (19 home from Uni) and 2 friends are at the kitchen table. One friend is veggie, the other has allergy to egg.

I came in, said hello, nice to see you again etc, to which they just replied "Hi". Then I asked if anyone was staying for tea? And they both literally just said "no".
Not "no thank you", or anything, just "no".
I said, "ok, well you're both very welcome to stay in you'd like to." Which was met with silence.

So I walked off.

Rude? Or have I just had a bad day at work?

And then this happened, according to the OP

I said, "ok, well you're both very welcome to stay in you'd like to." Which was met with silence.

So bollocks to that. They were indeed rude.

They were rude, 'thank you for the invite but no thank you' would have worked!

I must be losing it. If someone said to me, 'Is anyone staying for tea?', if there were more than one of us obviously, I would respond with 'No I can't Imsoshocked sorry, but thank you', or 'Yes that would be lovely thanks...but can you meet my dietary requirements?'

Or maybe that came across as hollow as they had already answered that they weren’t staying. Yes, they could have said thanks to that, or they could have thought the previous question was “don’t you think it’s time you left as we’re eating soon” in disguise.

i think there first response was appropriate. You asked if they were staying for tea - this doesn’t sound like an invitation, an invitation would be more would you like some tea. Saying no thank you only makes sense if they were being offered son - whilst you were it didn’t sound like it so in their mind wasn’t.

We don’t know that she would be making it, if they said yes she could have turned to her daughter a d said she needed to sort it / order a take away etc

What invite? She didn't invite them for tea?

She asked if they were stopping for tea, which they weren't, so they said no. Seems perfectly acceptable to me.

Although... I've just realised, it does probably depend on where you put the emphasis in the sentence.

As I never make tea for my 19 year old, it would just be a simple question in my house, meaning exactly that - are you stopping for tea? A simple no would do in reply.

However, if you are the person who actually makes the tea in your house, it then becomes an invitation, requiring a no thank you.

Do that make sense? Or is it just me?!

I read all the gentle parenting books and followed those groups for a while when mine were smaller, and they recommend not telling your child to say please and thank you, because you’re forcing them to say it when they don’t mean it/understand it (when they’re very little), and instead that you model it, so you say it yourself or for them when they’re small (in the hope they start doing it themselves in their own time).

I honestly think this is doing children a disservice, because they then don’t get it ingrained into them as something you just say automatically- which means that when not with their adoring parents, but other adults in their lives, they come across as rude.

Even my three year old says ‘thanks’ when given something - does she truly mean it/understand it- probably not, but it makes people in shops/cafes/pre-school warm to her, and will affect how she’s viewed and treated as she gets older and I’m not always with her. I’d be mortified if she didn’t say thanks in that situation as a 19 year old.

(To add, I am not against gentle parenting in general, if done properly and not just as an excuse for permissive parenting. But this is one element I think she’s mistaken on. I’m all for raising independent thinkers and not people pleasers - but saying please and thank you and generally being polite doesn’t make you a people pleaser, it’s equipping your child with the essential skills of interacting with whoever they meet, and it’s not fair to not properly teach your child this).

Yes sullen and joyless with one word answers. This is OPs home and they are guests.
Hello OP, How are you?
and No thanks , I’m heading off home shortly.
would have been a more social response.

I also saw your question as a question, not an invitation tbh. But they do sound a little abrupt. I would have maybe smiled and said ‘ah i’m heading off home in a bit for dinner’, but not sure i would have said thank you unless you said ‘would you like to stay for dinner’.

That's very rude indeed and disrespectful.I find a lot of young people I have encountered have no manners.I was only saying the other day ,I find it a lot in supermarkets,its almost like your inconveniencing them when you ask for assistance.I hate rudeness.

How strange. Teens are usually very polite to other people's parents! I'd say it's good they weren't staying. I'd not offer them a meal again.
I'm not sure what their dietary preferences have to do with it though?

And this thread goes to show why we have and would continue to have kids without manners, teens without manners and in turn, adults without manners.

I can't believe you said that about a poster who asked for advice on the topic because she has autism. Her different understanding of the issue isn't 'gaslighting'. You're disgusting.

They certainly weren't polite.

They were rude and disrespectful.
Even if they were not sure if it was an invitation, it clearly called for more than a 'no'.
If you were at work and were asked 'Are you having a coffee?' would you just say
'No'? It's like getting a conversational slap.
No wonder these brats get away with it if these apologists/goady idiots on here are the parents.
Thing is, behave like that, and your invitations and offers diminish.

At 19, I'd have said no thank you my mum's expecting me but thank you for the offer, and probably at least involved you in our conversation in some way or asked how you were (assuming say, we were sitting around the kitchen table and you came in and I knew you really well.) I think they were really rude.

I can remember when I was a teenager my mum would get very annoyed at what she perceived as rudeness from some of my friends, and I'd always fob it off with something like "oh that's the way they are," or some terrible teenage trauma that excused their behaviour. I cringe now. She was right. And my Mum was the most liberal, flexible, hands off Mum ever!

You are correct. One word answers that should have a' thanks' or 'please' attached to them are rude.

I imagine one day they will be able to teach a pig to say 'No' bluntly and, if you ever hear of such experiments, forward the scientists the names of these ignorant wee shits and tell them that you have already found talking pigs at your own kitchen table.

I imagine anyone on here excusing their behaviour is of the same ilk.

Exactly, OP didn't offer them something or do something for them, she asked a question. The answer was 'no'.

Also everyone responding has ZERO context of how OP's tone may have come off, usually when people poise a question like that its a passive aggressive way to say 'time for your friends to bugger off so I can eat in peace'.

But the OP wouldn't have been catering for them at the pub. If someone asks if you're having tea at their house, they're likely to be asking so they'll know whether to cook for them or not. The obvious answer is 'thank you, but no.'
And when your friend's mother says 'hello, nice to see you again' (if ANYONE says that actually), obviously you reply along the lines of 'Hi, yes good to see you.'
I was still cripplingly shy and awkward at this sort of age, but I could still manage these basics.
I don't know where some people on this thread get off, to be quite honest. If some adults think it's OK to speak to people like this then presumably that's what they're passing on to their kids, and that's why teens like this are so rude; they've never been taught basic manners.

All the people making elaborate excuses for their rudeness - the parents who bring children up to be like this.

RUDE!

Agree.

'Exactly, OP didn't offer them something or do something for them, she asked a question. The answer was 'no'.'

Is that how you speak to people? Were you ever taught manners and how to interact?
Or are you just goading?
Her house, her table. How do you think they would have taken 'Out!'

Speak for yourself. I've honestly never come across anyone who's said 'Are you staying for tea?' and meant 'Bugger off.' When I was a kid adults would say things like 'We're having our tea soon, so you'll need to go home.'