Really dislike 16-year-old niece: don't want to have her to stay

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My sister was divorced several years ago and is sole parent to my niece who's almost 16. Her ex lives abroad and sees his DD rarely. I used to get on really well with DN and spent quite a lot of time with her until she reached the age of around 13, at which point she started to become obnoxious. I ignored the snide remarks and lack of consideration or gratitude for as long as I could, but last year things reached a head.

She and a friend of hers came to stay with me for 4 nights, as they have a couple of times a year for some years. I live in London and when she stays I do things with them that they wouldn't be able to do where they live. Last year we went down the Thames to Hampton Court on a boat, we shopped at Camden Market and Spitalfields and Hoxton, we went to Tate Modern and the Globe theatre, we saw a couple of shows and a couple of films. I pay for everything, obviously. DN's friend was lovely. DN was a complete nightmare. Didn't want to go out and do anything but was angling to go clubbing and angry with me for saying no. She was 14! Didn't want to go anywhere I suggested, couldn't suggest anything she'd like to do. One day we had a quiet day locally, because she was so adamant about not going out, and she complained we didn't do anything. I tried talking to her to find out what was going on, but she told me to eff off and then had a furious rant at me. She was really trying to be hurtful. I soaked it up and tried to comfort her friend, who found the situation difficult, but it really spoiled the last couple of days of their visit and she had another major outburst in the car when I took them home.

Last Christmas I bought her something that I'm sure she'd said she wanted. Something that cost £300. I was there when she opened it, with my DM and DS and other family members around. DN opened her present, pulled a face and then threw it at me and said 'You're as shit at buying presents as everything else' and walked out and slammed the door on us. My DM was shocked. My DS went after DN and told her off and there was a big row that ruined the day. DN hasn't spoken to me or contacted me since then. I've messaged her occasionally and she's just ignored me.

My DS knows what DN is like, but is still anticipating that this August I'll have her and the friend to stay as usual. As the time approaches I feel less and less like doing it. Their visits cost me over £1k, which I don't begrudge. But I'm not going to spend that sort of money and also soak up the abuse.

I've contacted my DS to say I'm not sure I want to continue the tradition. My DS says she has to face this kind of behaviour every day and it's just part of dealing with teens. She's actually accused me of being unreasonable for not carrying on as usual. AIBU?

Can I just say what a lovely person you and your whole family come across and I am sure you will all find a way to get DN past this phase. As a mum to two bereaved primary aged children, I am literally taking notes for goodness knows what their teens will be like. I really hope your DN can reach past whatever is making her so angry and you can all move on and best wishes for your DS’s health

Yeah I did. And then I read every thing OP said and how she reflected and how she is still planning to reach out and support her DN despite bad behaviour and yeah. I stand by what I said.

You are not a boring auntie you are someone who cares very deeply for your niece. I retract my very early statement, I'm sorry I called your niece a brat but as the thread has unfolded it seems there is more going on

She is extremely lucky to have you and as she gets older I think you will be well rewarded for your love and kindness as you are going to have a wonderful relationship with her.

Hope you both have a wonderful time in Edinburgh

Just say no. She was horrible on her last visit and a total bitch . You don’t owe your DS or N anything . She sounds like a brat and it’s just not being a “ teenager”

How defensive you have been of your spoilt N and her behaviour tells me, you will carry on to be treated like that OP. Good luck, nothing is going to change until you change anything. She may have trauma from her father but that doesn't warrants her to behave like shit.

I’d definitely give her another opportunity but if she behaved as appallingly again as before I’d be giving her some home truths. She’s not a baby and I’d hazard she would respect you more for it if you did.

I was thinking of Portobello. lt's a few years since I was last there and I want to see what Leith looks like now, and go all the way on the tram.

Absolutely no way! Her behaviour is atrocious I'm shocked. She needs to learn it's not on. Please don't take her that's not on. And what you spend on her is so so generous. Stay firm and say no

She's not saying no. She's taking her on holiday, and we're all mean and negative.

Like my own Sister has, a teenage daughter with a vile, nasty attitude and the belief that she can actually get away with being like that with no consequences, your sister has justified the lack of parenting with the "it's normal teenage behaviour" card.

It's bull.

I have three teens (one now adult). Never, EVER have they been allowed to speak and act like that. Never would they want to. Even in the worst PMS grump they still had to act civil.

My DN came to my house with that attitude and you'd better believe that I did not hold back. Only took a few days and she was acting pretty decently. The second her mum arrived to pick her up however, the disgusting attitude returned.
And my sister let her do it.

I have very frequently hosted younger relations (nieces/cousins' children) and given them holidays where I live. I expect and get exemplary behaviour. If I didn't they wouldn't be asked back - indeed, the boyfriend of one young relative behaved very rudely and hasn't been reinvited. You owe it to yourself and to young people to expect high standards of behaviour.

When I was 5 or 6 my dad came home from a work trip. He brought me a beautiful jumper. Really lovely, very sensible gift. He got my baby sister a plastic toy worth about 50p, because just a baby. I threw the jumper across the room! In my eyes, the jumper wasn't a present, it was just a jumper.
I guess 15 year olds feel like 5 year olds inside sometimes.

My children have also lost someone who was very dear to them and they are young adults dealing with bereavement. All I would say is communication is key here. Talk to them about everything no matter how insignificant because that is what will keep your teens on the straight & narrow. You do not want them acting out or being targeted because they are going through a difficult situation that they can’t come & tell you about. If you know your children will pick up the phone to tell you about something that they have found funny/upsetting you are winning. Make sure you repeat, repeat, repeat that they can come and talk to you about anything. No judgement from you. That open line of communication will alert you to red flags regarding the children. There will be no guess work for you as you will be able to sit them down to get them to tell you what is wrong. My youngest actually turned round to her Dad & said that if he asked her why she was quiet and was something wrong she would be able to say nothing & that she didn’t want to talk resulting in her Dad leaving her be whereas if she said that to me she knew I wouldn’t drop it and she would have to tell me. For her Mummy doesn’t take no for an answer and Mummy is always able to tell when I am upset. The end result has been her Dad having to work on getting her to open up with him. He says himself that he shouldn’t have left it all to me and will work harder on getting both of the kids to come and talk to him. The kids understand that men & women see the same issue very differently. Their Dad looks to just solve the problem and that’s it move on forget about it whereas I want to understand everything, how did they get to that point, who said what & why, what could have been said and done differently. We don’t get a manual when we have children and we learn as our children grow up. There is no right or wrong way but if we keep communication as being key then everything else in this puzzle will just slot into place. Good luck 👍🏼

This is NOT part of dealing with teens. So rude. Don’t tolerate it or her. She needs to learn some manners and to apologise. Her mother has created a monster by tolerating this behaviour.

Really dislike 16-year-old niece: don't want to have her to stay

I've contacted my DS to say I'm not sure I want to continue the tradition. My DS says she has to face this kind of behaviour every day and it's just part of dealing with teens. She's actually accused me of being unreasonable for not carrying on as usual. AIBU?

The few days DN spends with me gives my DS a bit of a break, so I do understand why she is reluctant for me to say enough is enough.

I was thinking of Portobello.

Make it make sense.

Have you never been caught between a rock and a hard place, or struggled to make a decision? OP is clearly trying to give her sick sister a break but is also frustrated by her DN, 2 things can be true at once. Theres nothing wrong with her sharing her thoughts and considerations on her own thread.

Neither choice (taking in DN, or not taking in DN) is ideal as they both have consequences. OP can of course choose not to do it, but sometimes you choose to do for family. That’s life.

I have a niece who became obnoxious. Sadly she remained that way. The last straw was when we gave her - at her request - a significant contribution to her honeymoon fund as a wedding gift. We didn't get so much as a thank you and, unsurprisingly, no invitation to the wedding either.

I think anything that communicates that you still love her whilst also holding a boundary on behaviour is a good move, OP. I hope she takes you up on it, and also that things go well for your sister.