You love her, she undoubtedly loves you, she's not behaving like she is because she's bad and needs consequences, she probably needs to know that you and your sister aren't going to bugger off, through abandonment or death and it's a very teen thing to do to try and push for exactly the results they don't want through bad behaviour.
Sounds like she backed herself into a corner at Christmas, is probably embarrassed and can’t work out how to open up the conversation... Teenagers sometimes get stuck in a cycle of behaving badly, hating themselves for it, and then behaving badly again because they’re frustrated with themselves. That doesn’t make it okay, but it does likely mean that it isn’t as personal as it feels.
Yes, her behaviour is not okay, but what is it communicating? Often children (and adults) blame themselves when they are abandoned, she might think that her father left because he didn’t love her enough to stay; because she wasn’t good enough. She might be terrified that her mum is going to die. At times like this, we try to push away those closest to us.
At a guess, she’s not angry at you, you’re just one of the safe harbours to offload her pain. Teens can be hell but I’m a believer that all action is communication and it sounds like she’s had a lot to process over the last few years. It doesn’t mean her actions towards you are ok but she will eventually get through this and hopefully will remember that you were there for her.
Quite. Teenagers can process loss as abandonment as well. It's a really complicated and difficult time for DN. 'Angry' for teenagers can be afraid, sad, frustrated, powerless, a whole lot of things that they need support with.
I do think immediate, natural consequences are important. But these need to be accompanied with love, empathy and emotional safety. You won't parent (or aunt!) well without both halves.
I think this is how she might be feeling inside, like a “nasty little cow”. She might be thinking things about herself that are way worse than what she is being described as on this thread (our inner critical voices are often far nastier than what other people say about us).
Have other people here never taken out feelings of stress, upset and abandonment on the very people they love the most? I know I have.
If people on this thread are ashamed of their children, think of children as toads, brats and cows, think we should punish and hurt to teach them right, they are shit parents. No doubt about it and your children will be discussing you in therapy later. Good parenting is empathy, kindness and positivity, while having good boundaries, and allowing immediate natural consequences. Understanding that conflict is unexpressed need and it's your job to identify the need and help meet it. You know, actual effective parenting. This girl was abandoned by one parent and has another with cancer. If I had a sick parent and a no contact one I'd be angry, and I'm not a young teenager.
@Grobblydog ...although lots of people on here say that this is not teen typical behaviour, it absolutely IS typical teen behaviour for a teen who is angry, hurting, resentful and incredibly furious at everything and everyone.. The fact that she takes it out on you is the hardest and most painful thing since it reveals an opportunity to vent her angriest self, both to someone who she feels safest with, but also, to test out your attachment in extreme provocation. Which feels awful for you, but is a very high risk strategy for her an an illustration of just how desperate she feels.
For a minute there I thought I was the only one who thought it is despicable to be calling a troubled teen ‘a horrible cow’ or ‘wretch’. I really hope these Posters don’t use this type of language to their family……….
i have never seen so many judgemental people on 1 thread.
She needs careful handling and love. Teens can be so hard to love. If things don’t work out or if she’s rude on the trip, you can give her a choice to go home or to go off for a while alone. Do remember that teens often need time alone and she may spend quite a lot of the time cooped up in your friend’s house during the day or sleeping. That won’t mean you’re failing her or that she’s being insolent.
I really feel for your DN. My first thoughts are that she has a deep fear of rejection and abandonment and so is subconsciously pushing you all away first so that she can’t be hurt like that again. You described her friend as lovely, and I wonder if seeing you getting on with and liking her friend also sparked fears in DN of you liking her friend over her, due to her Dad choosing his OW over her. And that sparked rejection fears that caused her to reject you first through her behaviour. Shes only a kid, a kid who’s learnt people you love and rely on will choose to leave you for someone they like more. That has to fuck with your head.
This child has more or less been abandoned by her father, she is now possibly thinking her mother won't be around much longer and people are questioning her behaviour 🤦♀️
She deserves all the love & support she can get until she gets through this phase. A gentle hug OP along with letting her know it's understandable she is angry and upset but you'll always be there for her when needed.
I would have quoted @JFDIYOLO too, but it's too long. Thank you to all the posters whose words appear above, and all the other insightful posters who I've tried to thank with the Thanks button. @MrsTerryPratchett deserves particular acknowlegement. There will be people I missed who also said helpful things: there were so many posts, some of them so unpleasant that I probably missed out on reading a few pages.
I was going to say that I made a terrible mistake posting here, but actually within a couple of minutes of reading the welter of 'brat, toad, vile wretch, pathetic parent, demanding DS, all the parent's fault' type responses I was finding my way to the answer to my question. I'd posted full of annoyance because I'm having to organise my diary for August and beyond and had to make a decision about what to do with the week's leave I always book for DN's visit. I should have thought this through months ago and I should have been the adult and tackled what happened with DN, but I'd been putting it off.
In a strange way the shocking, deeply depressing torrent of negativity and spite was useful: it knocked me into 'Hold on a fucking moment...' territory and I was able to see clues as to why my DN had behaved as badly as she did. The fact that the negativity continued, and there's so much of it, has left me feeling very low. We haven't come very far in understanding others' behaviour, have we? It's depressing.
My friend in Edinburgh has messaged back to say we can stay there. My plan is at the weekend to write a formal invitation for DN to join me on a trip to Edinburgh, with an RSVP card as a kind of ice-breaking joke. I'll accompany that with a letter setting out some ground rules but making it clear that what happened happened but isn't to happen again. We'll take it from there.
Thanks to those who reminded me that cancer is cancer, even when it's caught early and the treatment is quick and the risks low. I think my DS has minimised the impact of it to protect me and my DM and DN. Something we probably need to talk about it.