Really dislike 16-year-old niece: don't want to have her to stay

[valsays]

My sister was divorced several years ago and is sole parent to my niece who's almost 16. Her ex lives abroad and sees his DD rarely. I used to get on really well with DN and spent quite a lot of time with her until she reached the age of around 13, at which point she started to become obnoxious. I ignored the snide remarks and lack of consideration or gratitude for as long as I could, but last year things reached a head.

She and a friend of hers came to stay with me for 4 nights, as they have a couple of times a year for some years. I live in London and when she stays I do things with them that they wouldn't be able to do where they live. Last year we went down the Thames to Hampton Court on a boat, we shopped at Camden Market and Spitalfields and Hoxton, we went to Tate Modern and the Globe theatre, we saw a couple of shows and a couple of films. I pay for everything, obviously. DN's friend was lovely. DN was a complete nightmare. Didn't want to go out and do anything but was angling to go clubbing and angry with me for saying no. She was 14! Didn't want to go anywhere I suggested, couldn't suggest anything she'd like to do. One day we had a quiet day locally, because she was so adamant about not going out, and she complained we didn't do anything. I tried talking to her to find out what was going on, but she told me to eff off and then had a furious rant at me. She was really trying to be hurtful. I soaked it up and tried to comfort her friend, who found the situation difficult, but it really spoiled the last couple of days of their visit and she had another major outburst in the car when I took them home.

Last Christmas I bought her something that I'm sure she'd said she wanted. Something that cost £300. I was there when she opened it, with my DM and DS and other family members around. DN opened her present, pulled a face and then threw it at me and said 'You're as shit at buying presents as everything else' and walked out and slammed the door on us. My DM was shocked. My DS went after DN and told her off and there was a big row that ruined the day. DN hasn't spoken to me or contacted me since then. I've messaged her occasionally and she's just ignored me.

My DS knows what DN is like, but is still anticipating that this August I'll have her and the friend to stay as usual. As the time approaches I feel less and less like doing it. Their visits cost me over £1k, which I don't begrudge. But I'm not going to spend that sort of money and also soak up the abuse.

I've contacted my DS to say I'm not sure I want to continue the tradition. My DS says she has to face this kind of behaviour every day and it's just part of dealing with teens. She's actually accused me of being unreasonable for not carrying on as usual. AIBU?

Do not invite your niece this year. If she asks why, tell her honestly that her behavior was so bad the last time that you prefer to end the tradition. It's possible that as a teenager she may not want to spend time with an aunt. Anyway until you see some changes in her attitude, you are under no obligation to submit to her teenage horrors,

No I would not. Your sister has to deal with her like she said but you do not. They both need to realise this brat behaviour is unacceptable and your sister needs to deal with it. Just horrible behaviour. I would say no this year and if she apologised I would have her next year but she would go home if she played up

Yes this seems the best way and most reasonable way

it isn't normal behaviour. DS never behaved like that not ever. He could be a bit moody but I could let that go.
Refuse to have the ungratefulittle cow absolutely. Teach her a lesson and tell her why she is not coming.

I wouldn’t have her to stay, no (that’s a hell no, tbh). But I absolutely would try to keep communication channels open and let her know I was there for her if she wants to talk. I think it’s fair to say you won’t host someone who behaves as she does - there do have to be boundaries and consequences - but you love her and are keen to support her and be a sounding board or whatever if she needs it.

1. Don’t host your niece and her pal.
2. You don’t have soak up someone’s bad behaviour. You could tell your niece you don’t like the way she talks to you, and suggests ways she can improve her behaviour
3. Don’t give into guilt tripping
4. It sounds like something else could be going on with your niece (beyond the teenage years). But I don’t know how you’d get to the bottom of what it is.

I know some people like being treated badly but not having to pay as well.

No - bye niece - forget her - get a puppy

My teens were NEVER like that. She sounds entitled and fucking rude. No way would she be staying with me. Your sister sounds a pushover and is doing her daughter no favours. Absolutely vile behaviour.

Absolutely.
One of my son's friends {one I once made leave the house because he overstepped a boundary} lost his mum to cancer as a teenager- he is a lovely young man.

It must have been terrifying to see your Grandfather die in front of you like that- really stressful.

A serious no. If you ask for an apology it will be forced. If she meant it she would be saying it before now.

And don't get her any more 'shit' Christmas presents either.

From the fast flip on a dime of op's original op to her replys, I wonder if this is really a reverse and op is the sister

Not sure. I think if I were to have her stay, it would be just her and maybe for less time. Teenagers can be dreadful but some do eventually get over themselves and improve. I wouldn't shut the door on her just yet but I would be clear that it won't be a spend fest when she is staying. You make the rules.

We've got two teens -I think part of the issue is your sister thinks this is normal....it's really not!

Stand your ground - your sister might be OK with being abused by your daughter but this is not a reason for you to be.

Just read your updates - have your sister to stay instead of brat niece - spoil sister - brat niece is not a child she can stay home alone and sulk

I do hate this frequent assertion that teens are bound to be a nightmare. It’s definitely not a given. Unless there are very special circs., they’re only horrible if they’ve been allowed to be.

I wouldn’t have her, OP, and I’d be very honest about why.

Dh and I used to be official guardians - consecutively - for 2 nieces from Singapore, while they were at 6th form boarding school in the U.K. So they came to stay for weekends, half terms, etc. - it was a pleasure to have them. Sometimes they’d ask to bring a friend who’d otherwise have to go to a paid host. They were all invariably very pleasant and polite.

I was going from the information in the thread title where the OP says, ‘really dislike 16-year old niece’.

I thought that was kind of how the OP was feeling. Apologies if I took that too literally…

Children with ACEs can really struggle and act out. However, at 16 she does need to know that her actions have consequences. I would say no to the holiday and explain why and see what her response is once the initial shock has subsided.
Good luck.

I agree with all the comments. Remember the word No is a complete sentence.

horrible child

So the consequence of DN swearing at you and rudely rejecting an expensive Christmas gift is to consider taking her to the Edinburgh Festival? And people wonder why today's younger generation are growing up to be so entitled 😂

Hello OP, you sound lovely to me, and the fact that you’ve considered and weighed up so many ideas and different perspectives shows how caring and loving that you are. There are some great ideas in some comments (as well as some shitty ones). I have a couple of observations and comments though: 1. although lots of people on here say that this is not teen typical behaviour, it absolutely IS typical teen behaviour for a teen who is angry, hurting, resentful and incredibly furious at everything and everyone (and I speak as a mother who has a son and we’ve come through all manner of dark dark periods including assault, drug addiction, destruction of property, serious mental illness, several sections bla bla bla). 2. The fact that she takes it out on you is the hardest and most painful thing since it reveals an opportunity to vent her angriest self, both to someone who she feels safest with, but also, to test out your attachment in extreme provocation. Which feels awful for you, but is a very high risk strategy for her an an illustration of just how desperate she feels. 3. Which means that you have to play this for the long game, choose your battles very carefully, choose which hill is worth dying on and which is not, and in general, be completely counter intuitive to all manner of her nasty and destructive behaviors. Resolutely stay loving and positive and radically accepting of the way things are, not the way anyone would wish them to be. So for example, spending time doing things alone with her, but not her friend, or doing things where you don’t have to speak And measure words but have shared experiences is a good plan. Tiny tiny steps as well. Good luck and keep on keeping on.

She's not your daughter and it's not your job. Your sister should ask her father to have her for a while if she needs the break. I would point out given the lack of contact you don't think dn would want to. If you decide to continue I would set out clear ground rules and plans of things that you may do. Make it clear what I'll not happen like clubbing and what will not be acceptable behaviour.

Saucy little mare. 🤨

She'd get fuck all nice from me anymore.

I think that is a great idea and as a professional, he might see something you don't or at least give you some good strategies for coping with the bad behaviour so that a drama doesn't become a crisis.

I'm sorry but she has been indulged - over indulged in fact. No-one should ignore or accept her behaviour & this should have started years ago. Ofcourse you can (& should) tell her off - read her the Riot Act. No way on earth would I let my sister's children (now adults) speak to me like that. She should be made to understand that she is behaving unacceptably & neither you nor anyone else is going to put up with it anymore. She was probably trying to look 'big' in front of her friend & show off. Her response to your (overly generous) present is disgusting and I wouldn't be buying her anything or having her to stay again until she's learnt how to behave & grown up. Why, why, why do so many parents/relatives not teach their children basic good manners anymore & why are they so reluctant to tell them off & put them in their place?