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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel like life is more hassle than it's worth

230 replies

OptimismvsRealism · 12/06/2024 13:10

Up until now I suppose there have been adventures and new things to try to distract from the fundamental fact that being alive is a great big chore. Endless hoovering and bills.

Don't get me wrong, I'm here now and I'll just see where things go but if you asked me if I'd like to do it all again that would be a big fat non merci from me.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 13/06/2024 06:54

I feel similarly, tbh.

On paper, I have a good job, I have hobbies and interests, I've been to the theatre this week, i have great kids (one is 18 and doing her A Levels, one is 25 , lives independently and is working), I'm engaged, I don't really have any closer friends anymore but lots of acquaintances, go for weekends away when I want (and work commitments allow). I find joy in the little things- sitting in the garden, being outside in nature etc

But, in reality, I'm finding things to do to pass the time I'm also knackered from work and went to bed at 7.30 last night, I don't see friends as often as I'd like so friendships have suffered (due to work), I worry about the state of the country and my children's student debts, I'm glad I'm 49 and so (hopefully!) most of my life is behind me now.

I still have the same doubts and insecurities I had when I was younger - I haven't quite achieved the being happy in my own skin that others seem to have done.

I've had enough tbh.

Howbizarre22 · 13/06/2024 06:56

Needtocleanupdogsick · 13/06/2024 06:18

I’m with you garlic twist….

Before any one suggests….i am not depressed.

I am early 50’s and ready to go, so much so I have arranged my funeral, had discussions with family.
I don’t think I would take my own life, but DNR is signed and I won’t be fighting any condition I may be diagnosed with.

If a DNR is signed then you must already have a life threatening condition?

redboxer321 · 13/06/2024 07:21

I feel like a lot of posters. I have some amazing times but a lot of pain as well.
Now nothing excites me. There's nothing I want to do and nowhere I want to go, no one I want to spend time with. I lost the love for my sport and my body is a bit knackered now anyway so couldn't get into anything new that I might like. I see the terrible injustice in life. How many of us never had a chance, even though that's not immediately obvious and you have to work that out.
I struggle with modern life and how it's so hard to get anything done. Some pp have recommended others go to their GP. I would if I could face the hassle of getting an appointment. But actually I wouldn't as I've not had a great experience with GPs and the service has got very much worse in recent years.
I wake up disappointed but get up to try to quash the sad thoughts. Won't be sorry when it ends.
I'm sorry to hear I'm not alone but glad in a selfish way too. And surprised. I didn't think so many people would feel like me. I think it might be the human race waking up and realising how shit we actually are. I feel a lot of guilt about being a human and seeing what we've done to the world and its inhabitants.
.

Needtocleanupdogsick · 13/06/2024 07:41

Howbizarre22 · 13/06/2024 06:56

If a DNR is signed then you must already have a life threatening condition?

No life threatening condition.

Had to have discussions with 2 doctors as 1 was not suffice.

From NHS page….

This is a choice you can make at any time, for example when you are healthy or when you are approaching the end of your life. You can make it clear to your doctor or medical team that you do not want CPR if your heart or breathing stops.

Puginaruggle · 13/06/2024 07:59

I can understand this feeling but I am not there yet entirely.

For me, Covid and the aftermath (which I feel the repercussions of daily) changed my outlook. I had times of feeling positive and like the world was my oyster prior to that. Now I don't at all.

I feel sad and pessimistic, frightened by the world. The hand that life has dealt me is hard but I also recognise that in the grand scheme of things it is barely anything and I remain in the top 1% of privilege in this world.

Instead of looking forward to death I feel accepting of it. I don't want to die yet but I also don't have any lofty ambitions to fill....I just want to enjoy some retirement with my husband...I pray we both get there and have relative health for it.

Howbizarre22 · 13/06/2024 08:03

Find your sense of humour! It’s in there somewhere.
😊

Ponoka7 · 13/06/2024 08:11

Confusionn · 12/06/2024 22:38

And if you have very young children, you literally never stop hoovering, and when you do it looks like you never started in the first place.
You literally get to admire the view for all of 5 minutes before your efforts are long forgotten. Is there joy in that?

There's joy in knowing that you have clean water, children free of fatal diseases and that child traffickers etc aren't waiting to kidnap them. You should have watched soccer aid.

OP welcome to Peri/menopause. I think that it happens so we slow down, don't put our bones at risk etc because we are but land mammals. There's positives to aging, if you are fundamentally content. Take stock, change what you need to, then let this pass. You'll come out of the other side and find new (and old) things to enjoy.

Timeheals · 13/06/2024 08:40

Life is not all it’s cracked up to be. I find it interesting that there is a societal need for life to be considered the most important and prized thing. Humans know they will die - that there is an exit clause and this can allow you to consider life in new terms. For me the good currently outweighs the bad and the cost of my death is currently too high on the emotional stability of others. However when those I love and rely on me pass away or are settled, and the bad outweighs the good I don’t understand why I should be pushed and expected to push to continue on. I actually suspect this societal outlook is simply to ensure the working population don’t all use the exit clause and cause problems in the supply chain and current working order.

pinkzebra02 · 13/06/2024 08:46

I have felt like this at times even in my 20s 😅 but I do think people ate more prone yo these feelings of pointlessness when they lack something they need. Most of the time it's missing connection to people they like/value. I think we all need to feel connected to feel like things are worthwhile and that's really missing these days.

Blueglazzier · 13/06/2024 08:48

I am now very old and my life has been such a long journey , I tried so hard to find and give love and happiness to myself and others . I realise I have never been truly loved for who I am but for what they could get from me . I have adult kids who sadly don't see how lonely I am because they are wrapped up in their lifes , I'm happy they are happy but they aren't interested in me now I am no longer useful to them .

I have been loving and kind and loyal but sadly it's never been reciprocated. I have lived alone for 20 years and tried so hard to find joy in life , I'm better alone , this way no man can hurt me again . I am fearful in this hurtful world , I am fearful for the children . I no longer belong . Being human is too harsh for me . Being sensitive in this harsh world isn't an easy journey .

SlamPunked · 13/06/2024 08:49

Anonym00se · 12/06/2024 13:59

I remember someone once saying to me “Wouldn’t you love the chance to live your life over again? You can’t change anything but just have the chance to go back and do it all again”. I replied “Absolutely not, I can’t think of anything worse! It’s been a battle getting through it all once!”

He was really genuinely shocked that I felt that way, whereas I couldn’t understand anyone wanting to do it twice!

I have this terrifying thought sometimes: what if reincarnation is a thing - or you get to live your life again, or whatever blah blah blah - but the second time round, your life is actually worse!

Probably most people on this thread (me included) have had incredible lives, compared to all the people in the world, over all of history. But several have shared that we wouldn't do it again. I feel the same: no way would I do it again, it has been too hard, unfulfilled etc.

heartbrokenof · 13/06/2024 08:50

I totally understand what you mean, I'm early 30s with you g kids and just life always feels like more effort then it's ever worth

MsLuxLisbon · 13/06/2024 08:50

YABU. You sound depressed, it is not normal to feel this way at all. I am 41 and I am very content with my life. There are certain things about me which are a little unusual and make me luckier than the majority, but not to an outstanding extent: I truly believe that everyone has the power to be content and happy. If you are feeling low all the time, that is an issue of brain chemistry and it can be fixed.

ThisOrdinaryLife · 13/06/2024 08:52

You are not alone in feeling this way @Blueglazzier
For you 🌻

Opleez · 13/06/2024 08:55

OptimismvsRealism · 12/06/2024 13:38

High five fellow autumn baby! I'm starting to see why people go on psychedelic retreats in middle age. But I bet they bring hassle too!

I'd like to feel swept along in something wonderful.

But instead I'll probably just update this spreadsheet.

Go on a psychedelic retreat, try microdosing, join an astronomy club to look at the stars, find a farm with baby animals, spend more time in nature, get a bird feeder and watch it for a while.

Find your joy.

Just being is not enough unless you are truly existing in your world. Doom scrolling and hoovering is stealing your joy.

Find it in real life.

Good luck to you!

MsLuxLisbon · 13/06/2024 08:56

Howbizarre22 · 13/06/2024 03:37

It will with that attitude. Stop looking for confirmation that life is shit and start seeing the good. You had a bad experience being bullied but no need to let that dictate the rest of your life. That won’t happen every time you do something new! It’s your outlook that the problem. Start Looking for the good and you will see that everywhere instead of the bad stuff.

Hear hear! Honestly, if you feel that life is inevitably crap, it will be. If you are a negative person, as well, people will pick up on that and avoid you, as nobody wants to be around a draining person who always sees the gloomy side of life.

BudgetQ · 13/06/2024 09:14

You know, this thread has set me thinking.

There was an explosion in the Arts in the mid 20th Century, after the trauma of two World Wars, I wonder if it was a sort of collective healing?

I think that is what we need, now.

Howbizarre22 · 13/06/2024 09:27

BudgetQ · 13/06/2024 09:14

You know, this thread has set me thinking.

There was an explosion in the Arts in the mid 20th Century, after the trauma of two World Wars, I wonder if it was a sort of collective healing?

I think that is what we need, now.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼🎶♥️🎉

Howbizarre22 · 13/06/2024 09:29

heartbrokenof · 13/06/2024 08:50

I totally understand what you mean, I'm early 30s with you g kids and just life always feels like more effort then it's ever worth

It can do with young kids! Very hard work on many levels. Trust me it gets easier! The only way is up from here x

Howbizarre22 · 13/06/2024 09:33

Blueglazzier · 13/06/2024 08:48

I am now very old and my life has been such a long journey , I tried so hard to find and give love and happiness to myself and others . I realise I have never been truly loved for who I am but for what they could get from me . I have adult kids who sadly don't see how lonely I am because they are wrapped up in their lifes , I'm happy they are happy but they aren't interested in me now I am no longer useful to them .

I have been loving and kind and loyal but sadly it's never been reciprocated. I have lived alone for 20 years and tried so hard to find joy in life , I'm better alone , this way no man can hurt me again . I am fearful in this hurtful world , I am fearful for the children . I no longer belong . Being human is too harsh for me . Being sensitive in this harsh world isn't an easy journey .

You’re placing all your value on how others see and treat you- that is a recipie for disaster! Don’t expect anything from anyone but yourself. Keep being kind to people, but mostly be kind to yourself. Treat yourself. Do what you want. Realise your worth, respect and love yourself. That’s the way to be happy! Internal not external x

choixduroi · 13/06/2024 09:42

I agree that OP is an eloquent and witty writer! That's already a lot!

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 13/06/2024 10:31

But this raises the question... is it circumstantial or is it a mindset?

On the outside I have lots of good friends. 2 kids (one who is autistic and brings many challenges), have a decent job. My ex has just stopped paying maintenance for his 2 kids and I am very careful not to badmouth him to the kids. But the truth is... I'm lonely and feel like every day is a battle. Every night I look forward to getting into bed as it's time off. Every morning my heart sinks when I wake up. I am surrounded by friends with happy marriages and plenty of money.

I know that 'comparison is the thief of joy' 10 times over but that only gets you so far.

How is one expected to be so joyful and happy when everything feels so shit? I go out with friends who talk about their holidays etc and I smile and engage. But inside I feel shit.

WayOutOfLine · 13/06/2024 10:48

I read this thread in the middle of the night. I think a lot of people have felt 'off' since Covid, I know that doesn't apply to everyone, but it does seem a low level depression or lack of optimism has settled over the population. I've seen it with my friends, although each of us seems to be dragging ourselves out recently, and starting to enjoy life again.

If you have the time/energy, read '4000 weeks: Time Management for Mortals' by Oliver Burkeman. He starts from the premise that you are going to die and that you have to work backwards. Doing achievements (like marrying, having children, success at work) rarely bring happiness otherwise the rich married people with kids would all be deliriously happy and they are not. So, what then? He has some suggestions.

Second, I've been trying to think of myself lately as living an 'Ordinary Extraordinary' life. Like most people, I don't 'matter' in the grand scheme of things. So where can I matter? What I hear on this thread is that many people feel helpless and like nothing they do counts. That's a reflection of our society devaluing living a good and ordinary life. I've been working on attending events, ringing a friend, doing a good job at work not because they will make me happy but because they are putting just a tiny sliver of 'good' back into the world. Pick up a bit of rubbish outside my house; work on a project for charity that appeals to me personally. It might be ignored, or even worse, you meet a horrid person and they stick the middle finger up at you when you are driving or whatever. Putting horrible things into the world is essentially a bad thing to do (like when people post mean things on Mumsnet, what have they contributed really, that day?) I don't mean going around being nice, that sounds awful, I mean more seeing that my very minor contributions- even cleaning so my kids have a clean house, or watering my plants on my front doorstep, or chatting to someone, or texting a friend without expecting a reply, isn't adding to the sum of human misery, and that's a good thing I can do in my limited little tiny nugget of the world.

I probably haven't explained it very well, but I noticed on Mumsnet a lot of posts like 'I'm bored' 'I'm unfulfilled' 'I don't like going out with my friends, rather stay home' 'I hate life'- I think asking ourselves to be happy is probably too much. Unless we are going to jump off the world, though, we have to find a way to live through it. Understanding we are both irrelevant and random, but also quite powerful in our own little lives has helped me a lot (if you want to see what happens when people live horrid lives and don't care, clean, or nurture their children, see the stats on what happens to those children when they grow up).

Finally, and this might just apply to me, I didn't notice I'd slipped into a proper depression for quite a while. I definitely shifted from not enjoying things, to actively disliking life, to definitely not wanting to keep living- I've taken antidepressants for the first time in my life and they've been very effective in restarting my interest in living my ordinary extraordinary life!

ThisOrdinaryLife · 13/06/2024 10:56

@WayOutOfLine Lovely uplifting post.

(Note to self - change my user name to ThisOrdinaryExtraordinaryLife 😊)

EatCrow · 13/06/2024 11:07

Howbizarre22 · 13/06/2024 08:03

Find your sense of humour! It’s in there somewhere.
😊

It’s a thread for people to discuss their personal take on what life means and how it doesn’t bring joy anymore. ‘Find your sense of humour?’ Ohh right. Can’t speak for anyone else but I never lost mine, it’s wry, cynical, sometimes lighthearted, sometimes gallows. That pithy little saying is pretty pointless.

Have you advocated yourself as the thread priest or something?