AIBU to think death is expensive.

[Dinoswearunderpants]

I just still can’t get over the cost of death/funerals in this country.

My Dad recently passed away and I had to arrange everything. There was a small funeral plan (Sunlife who were horrific to deal with!) in place but there was still a few hundred pounds shortfall I paid. My dad honestly thought he had enough money to full pay for his funeral and a little left over. No other assets and sadly a few debts.

He died in the hospital (which I blame for his death but that’s another matter) and we had to pay £82 just for a doctor to declare him dead. That’s utter madness! That was an itemised item on the funeral home invoice.

To transfer him 10 mins from the hospital to the funeral home, £280. To get him dressed £200. We didn’t choose embalming or to view him but if we had wanted to, embalming would have been £200 and £50 for each viewing.

Dad said he wanted a cardboard box for his coffin as it was "going to get burnt anyways" (his words) those coffins cost way more than the MDF ones. The wicker ones started at £1500.

I feel like it’s all so expensive. The ‘professional fees’ for the funeral home were £1200. Everything else was charged separate. In total it cost £5,500. My poor dad was a pensioner on state pension, had bugger all to show for all his hard work. I wish he could have used that £5,500 to enjoy life a little more.

I’m not really sure of the purpose of this post but it’s also to maybe get people talking about death and funerals. A huge issue I had was his paperwork was all over the place. I only found the life insurance policy numbers from his direct debits. I’ve just bought an A-Z book so I can keep a list of all my important details such as pensions, life policies etc to try and make it easier to contact everyone in the event of my death.

Just to add even more issues, DWP paid Dad his pension for a full month and now they're asking me (because I informed them of his death) for the overpayment back. It's about £150. I can't believe they're going after me for it. He literally had zero money left after the funeral was paid. The money in his account (which included this pension payment) went straight to paying for his funeral.

I totally agree. Both my parents had a direct cremation with no service. That was still over a £1000 each to collect from the hospital and cremate the body, but much cheaper than your father's funeral.

Don’t pay the DWP from your own money, you are not liable for his overpayment, if there is no money then they write it off.

When.my grandparent died DWP overpaid and asked for money back. My mum called asking for a few weeks to pay it as we didn't have access to her account and they wrote it off. My mum said she didn't need them to she just needed some time, but they just wrote it off. So do call and see, especially when in the grand scheme of things it's not a huge sum of money.

I recently registered to do this. He needs to do so while he's alive and sign for it and have a witness signature too.

I live in Oxfordshire so it's oxford uni where my body will be sent, but he just needs to have a quick Google and can find out how and where to apply to.

I was amazed to discover, when I did a death doula course, that you do not need to use an undertakers at all. Somehow we have this assumption that a person dies, you HAVE to have an undertaker, cos it's the law. Not true.

Death certificate yes.
You can take the deceased home in the back of your car - I'm not kidding, it's perfectly legal - and keep them there - leave windows open and cool the room, heating off, ice packs around them .

Then you ring the crematorium and book a slot.

Then you wrap the deceased in their favourite blankets, back in the car, off to the crematorium, you speak some loving words, job done

You can also bury a person in private land - so if you own your garden, you can do that. It's perfectly legal. We have been sold a lie, that undertakers are mandatory.

I had no idea this was legal.

We had a direct cremation for my dad. We are going to put his ashes in the spot in the fields that he requested,( so he can keep an eye on us all),with an oak tree to remember him by.
We plan to take him from his house to the farm in his Triumph Spitfire,then down the fields on the back of one of his tractors. When my mum told the Dr who was writing the death certificate this,he said that it was the loveliest thing that he'd ever heard,and refused to charge us for the certificate,which was very kind.

The rest of us are going to do the same and be planted in the same field,with a tree each. There should be a nice little copse there eventually.

www.moorebarlow.com/blog/can-you-bury-a-body-on-private-land-your-key-questions-answered/

www.orbitas.co.uk/bereavement-services/useful-information/arranging-a-funeral-without-a-funeral-director.aspx#:~:text=Although%20most%20people%20are%20happy,turn%20out%20to%20be%20a

Did a direct cremation for my dad, it was £995 AI. The cheapest quote was £882.

I was amazed to discover, when I did a death doula course, that you do not need to use an undertakers at all. Somehow we have this assumption that a person dies, you HAVE to have an undertaker, cos it's the law. Not true.

Death certificate yes.
You can take the deceased home in the back of your car - I'm not kidding, it's perfectly legal - and keep them there - leave windows open and cool the room, heating off, ice packs around them .

Then you ring the crematorium and book a slot.

Then you wrap the deceased in their favourite blankets, back in the car, off to the crematorium, you speak some loving words, job done

Yes it is legal but I think it's a lot more complicated than that. You can't hold a funeral without registering the death (in the UK) and when my Dad died, it took 5 days for the GP to inform the registry service of his cause of death. Then the earliest appointment to register the death was two days after that. So a minimum of 7 days, not sure I fancy storing a body for that long using a few ice blocks especially in summer and that's assuming that you could get a crem slot immediately. And some crematoria insist on a coffin.

I think one of the main roles of an undertaker is to store the deceased giving the bereaved time to make decisions. Plus the idea of manhandling a deceased loved one is pretty upsetting to most people.

Yes funerals are expensive but I was more pissed off with the price of a burial plot (doubled because my Dad died in a care home outside the Parish - Mum still lived in it, charged per foot of grave dug, again doubled) than the cost of the undertaker. We organised flowers and after do, the burial plot was the largest cost by far.

I paid 3 grand a few months ago for a funeral. A direct cremation is 1400 quid with the same people.

It's so hard to shop around though, it's not as if you can ring up and get a price over the phone.

Realistically who's going to do that? I couldn't do a funeral for my family member for 4 weeks after her death. No way I would have wanted to use a few ice packs at home on a 4 week old dead body, then lug her in and out of the back of the car a couple of times. Would be traumatising.

Actually you can transport the body yourself and you don't need to buy a coffin.

You also don't have to use a funeral director, and if you have land (even a medium to large size garden) you can legally bury them yourself

It's not for everyone, but it is legal.

Ref the deceased bank account and paying for a funeral - most banks will pay directly to the undertaker, or draw a banker's draft, on presentation of death cert and an invoice.
Nationwide did it for my mum's, they were a bit incompetent about it but with perseverance I got it sorted in time.

So, you don't need "access" to their account.

You need some kind of form for a cremation. My mum was buried and the burial ground did not allow funerals with no funeral director.

So, while you can technically do some of those things, I think you'd struggle to actually do it.

I have a real gripe with funeral directors. It’s obscene the amount of money they charge and for such unnecessary things. Charging £200 for embalming? You do not need embalmed. Plus the chemicals used are toxic to the environment so not nice when they eventually release to the earth. Coffins are so expensive as you said. And the costs to prepare/view the body are extortionate. As a country we have a taboo around death but historically the families would prepare the body, dress them and keep them at home until the funeral. Many Irish families still adopt customs like this and I know of some in the highlands/islands of Scotland but sadly much less than before. This would also reduce some costs. Sadly the funeral industry has turned into a money making scheme that everyone falls victim to. I have told my partner when I die, I want to be taken home and kept here til the burial but I’m much more comfortable around death than he is and he looks at me like I’m crazy! I like to think this approach would keep costs down by who knows!

Yep! I know a gentleman who died in the morning, Doctor signed the certificate and he was buried in his garden by lunchtime. His wife was already buried there so the plan was set. He had even bought his own coffin years early which he stored in the garage for the day he needed it. He was buried but family and neighbours.

Not sure if you’re come across Caitlin Doughty before. She is an American mortician with her own funeral home and YouTube channel. She talks about ‘the good death’ and aims to reduce taboos. She encourages families to get as involved as they feel comfortable in the preparation and funeral. I think you’d be interested in her after your doula death course! She’s lovely.

My DF died at the beginning of the pandemic. Both he and DM had funeral
Plans prepaid for. Because of a question mark as to whether he might have had covid (he was in a care home) the funeral directors wouldn't embalm him but did agree to dress him. DM was allowed one viewing, no cars, graveside service only with 9 people and no wake. The only thing reimbursed from the plan was the cost of cars as we weren't allowed them. In the end the graveside service was very lovely, personal and intimate. The funeral directors were very supportive and tried to be accommodating but I can't help feel that he was short changed a little.

Yep! I know a gentleman who died in the morning, Doctor signed the certificate and he was buried in his garden by lunchtime. His wife was already buried there so the plan was set. He had even bought his own coffin years early which he stored in the garage for the day he needed it. He was buried but family and neighbours.

I'm amazed that they managed to do that in a day, I thought that legally the death had to be registered before either burial or cremation could take place and getting an appointment to register the death in the space of a few hours is a minor miracle! As I said above, the GP dealing with my Dad took 5 days just to contact the county registry service and we couldn't make an appointment before that happened, the computer system wouldn't allow it.

Sorry if you read it that way, I was trying to explain some of the costs involved with a funeral and the work that goes on behind the scenes. No I don't have to do it, in fact I'm retired but wanted to earn some cider money so I don't feel guilty drinking my wife's hard earnt money. It's not a job that most people would do, you have to have a certain deposition to do it.

I have told my partner when I die, I want to be taken home and kept here til the burial

Nothing wrong with that in theory, @Cornishpasty342, but I do hope you're not in an area/country where arrangements can take weeks?

Otherwise keeping a body at home could become a bit challenging ...

Otherwise keeping a body at home could become a bit challenging ...

I'm starting to think that some people must have industrial sized fridges at home! Especially the ones that think that undertakers are a completely unnecessary expense.

It obviously completely depends on the circumstances at the time but it will always be my preference. I live in the highlands so we do have a much colder climate than other parts of the uk. A relative of mine died in the winter and she was laid on top of her bed with the windows open to keep the room cool for several days before she was placed into her coffin which was then sealed and she remained in the home within the sealed coffin until burial. But obviously I realise this would be impractical for 3 weeks in 30c heat!